Me.... Me... Me... Mememememememe

Do you ever get annoyed by those people who only ever want to talk about themselves? Those that are only concerned with themselves and what is going on in their life? The ones that never stop to consider the feelings of others?

Really... instead of asking "hey, how did your surgery consult go?" they start talking about themselves and bitching about mundane crap... or crap they know will hurt me.

There is a reason I do the things I do. I'm in self-preservation mode.
---If you've hurt me once, twice, three times, I'm done. I'm not going to continue to be hurt by you.
---If you lie to me, then we're done. I won't be your friend anymore. I don't need friends like that.

I'm sick of selfish people. I'm sick of giving giving giving only to have it shoved in my face. My breaking point will not be pretty, you can be assured of that, and if I keep getting pushed you can bet your sweet ass I will reach that point very soon.

Now that I have that off my chest, I will dispatch the knowledge I gained today at my surgery consult.

I have made the life changing choice to have weightloss surgery, as many of you already know. I am going to have a Lap-Band put in late this summer in hopes of semi-correcting my PCOS and making it easier to get pregnant among other things. I gained a lot of knowledge about what to expect in the coming few months. I already need to being my special pre-surgery diet which consists of 40-60g of protein a day and no more than 1500 calories. The 1500 calories thing will be cake because that's what I usually eat anyways. I will have to drink protein shakes for the protein intake. There was information about pre-op and post-op. I was given a whole binder of information. The place I am going for surgery is considered a "Center of Excellence" so that's good. I was supposed to go in for my psych eval (requirement of surgery) tomorrow, but because of the threatened flood, the appointment was cancelled.

On to another note. Minot is expected to hit record flood stage starting Thursday and into the weekend. The water will be several feet over what the dikes can contain. It is a horribly sad situation. 10-12 thousand people have been evacuated. Minot is centered around the river valley, all of which will be under several feet of water in the coming days. We're safe because we live up north on the AFB. I would much rather be out helping fill sand bags instead of going to work tomorrow for 6 hours, but I guess watching the children of the Airmen so they can help or evacuate is helping in some way. Any contribution helps at this point. I wish there was more that I could do. As of right now FEMA says they will provide NO assistance to Minot and it's residents. That's just effed up in my opinion.

Tee-Gee-Eye-Eff

Thank GOD it's FRIDAY!

It has been a LONG week. The last 5 days have seemed like they've lasted a month. I don't really know why. Just going through some personal issues I think. I'm pooped today! This week my schedule changed from 9a-6p to 6:30a-3:30p. I'm not really a morning person so the switch has been a little rough. Other than that, Father's Day is this weekend, which is a downer. There have also been more than a couple of pregnancy announcements, people bitching about being pregnant, and people having babies.

Right now I would be 19 weeks along and getting ready to find out what we were having... but instead I have an empty uterus and consequently I will have empty arms. Grrr this sucks so hard. I don't know why this one of the hardest losses I've had, but it is. Some days I'm better and some days it's like it happened yesterday. It's an up and down emotional rollar coaster and there are constant reminders everyday that I'm not going to be a mother this year. Part of me really wants to try one more time... ONE more time... ONE more chance before I have surgery. I'm not sure when my surgery will be exactly, probably August or the beginning of September. I know we won't be able to try in July because I will be gone when I'm supposed to ovulate... but what about August. Will I have time for one last ditch effort? Should I even try one last time before I go in for surgery? I do have one more refill of Clomid... I just don't know anymore. I really need someone to point me in the right direction.

Tuesday is my first appointment with the surgeon... we'll start looking at dates and other things. He will submit my information to Tricare for approval for surgery. After that we wait for approval. Once the I'm approved a pre-op appointment will be made and my surgery date will be set. I guess we'll see what happens and I'll go from there. Tricare usually takes 2-6 weeks to approve someone for the surgery.

Bumpy Road

This last week has been pretty bump. I've been especially moody and so has Thayer. Two moody people make for an unhappy household. Hopefully things get better soon. I've had it up to my ears with everything. I know part of my moodiness is from being on and just getting off of my period. There were other things that just made this week hard. It just seems that everywhere I look there is a reminder that I'm not pregnant, that I'm not going to be a mom. Facebook announcements... people who started trying after me who got pregnant and had a baby and are now announcing their second pregnancy... while I'm still waiting on baby #1.

I hate how bitter and angry I am at God. I believe in God. I'm an Agnostic Theist. I believe in a higher power. Right now I just believe that He, whoever He is, is cruel and heartless. He's unfair and unjust. He's and Indian giver (I knowm not politically correct). He lets good people, genuinely great people suffer while people who are horrid get everthing their little heart desires. He doesn't give things to those that deserve it, but instead rewards those who don't. I know all that I've just said will probably make some people angry. Heck, it might even make some people not want to be my friend anymore. So be it. I thought I believed in Karma, you know... that you reap what you sew. I'm not so sure anymore. I've been doing lots of good things with my life. I always have. I volunteer. I help people out.... but where is any of it coming back to me? What have I done in my life so horrible as to deserve this punishment of infertility?

To top it off, other things in my life have become complicated and just weird. I'm so ready for my vacation and to get away from Minot for at least a little while. I need a break from everything, and honestly it can't come fast enough.

On a better note, the clinic on base got my records sent down to the surgeon. I go for my first consult on June 21st. I hope that Thayer will be able to go with me. On the 22nd I go in for my Psych eval that they make everyone have prior to surgery. The first consultation with the surgeon will be pretty basic. After they get that information and the info from the consultation they will submit it to Tricare and wait for approval. We will also discuss potential surgery dates because they will have a pretty good idea how long it will take Tricare to approve me for the surgery.

Well... Hello There

So... once again it is that time of the month. AF reared her ugly head today. (See... I knew I wasn't prego!) My cycle was only 33 days, which isn't that bad considering my PCOS and this is only my second period since the miscarriage. At this point, if I weren't going ahead with the surgery we would start thinking about going on Clomid again to try and get pregnant because we would be "cleared" to do so. But, since I'm going to have surgery and lose weight... we won't be technically trying anymore for a while. We aren't going on birth control... but for the first time in TWO YEARS we are going to be able to have sex when we want it not when my ovaries say we can have it. That feels amazingly liberating.

I'm supposed to call the clinic tomorrow and speak with a lady who will get my medical chart sent to the surgeon ASAP! So hopefully in the next month I will be able to have my consult, then get Tricare approved (takes a few weeks... 2-6). Then, once I'm approved they will set my surgery date. Usually the date is set about 4-6 weeks after your approval. I'm starting to get excited about it. I'm so ready to go out and buy new clothes and just be... healthier. I'm ready to fit in my old jeans again from high school. (Yes, I still have a few pairs lingering at my parents house in a bin.) I'm no longer scared of the surgery. I will only be under anesthesia for about 20 minutes. I will more than likely get to go home that day. The last time I was under anesthesia it made me pretty sick. I'm hoping that doesn't happen because it's a 2 hour ride home from Bismarck to Minot. I pray that Thayer will be able to take some leave so he can help me the first day or two after surgery. I will probably be out of work for a week. If everything goes okay then I could come back a week after surgery but I would have a weight limit. I'm hoping that I can get it done in August or September. That would be ideal for me. 

On another note... I'm sick of Minot's weather. It is ridiculous that it was 40-something degrees on Memorial Day. I'm so jealous of all my friend's pictures that they posted on Facebook of them BBQing and swimming and running around in shorts. This place is soooo miserable 10 out of 12 months of the year. Ugh! I can't wait to be out of here. I really do wish I could just pretend that Thayer is "deployed" to North Dakota and go back home for the next year until he's out of the military. I tease him that I'm going to do that, but I don't think I ever would/could. I'm so glad that he has decided absolutely that he is not going to re-enlist. I could not survive another 4 years here. I think he also plans to go back in and talk to the recruiter about "Palace Chasing" his last year. I really hope he does. I would love love love to get out of here. I had gotten so excited about the prospect of leaving then they yanked the rug right out from under us 7 days before Thayer was supposed to have his final out and start terminal leave. Effing Minot!

Anyways, I think that's all for now. Much love!

Changes for the Smaller

So I went to the doctor last week to get some more things done before having surgery. I just gotta do a couple more things then I'll have my surgeon consult. It's basically 10% sure that I will be approved by Tricare. I'm not worried about that at all. Actually, I'm not worried about the actual surgery at all. A little worried about all the changes I will have to make afterward. Liquid diet for a week... baby food diet for a week... and so on. I'm pretty excited about losing weight, and no, I'm not taking the easy way out if people think that. I would love to be back down to the size I was in high school... smaller than that would be amazing. I should lose between 40-60% of my overweight, weight. I'm not going to give numbers... but yeah... I'm excited. I know it probably won't happen until later this summer. I'll be off work for a couple of weeks and then have a weight restriction for a little bit. The weightloss will be a lot more gradual than with gastric bypass. My skin will shrink back better and more naturally than it would with gastric bypass. So... I'm excited.

O is for... OVULATION!

So... I think my ovaries are putting on their big girl panties and ovulating on their own again. No way of knowing if the egg was a good mature one, but hey... one step forward. We aren't trying this month... but we aren't not trying. By not trying I mean we aren't using birth control. The doctor wanted me to for another month because I was still having pain from the MC and I'm still having pain at times from it. I'll probably bring that up with my PCM Monday when I have an appointment before I go meet with the surgeon soon. Fun times. It really sucks to have a sharp stabbing pain whenever you reach your big "O." It only lasts a second... but still it kinda kills the mood ya know? 

I just wish I had a simple life with everything handed to me on a silver platter like some people. Wouldn't life be grand then? I wish I was like some people and could get pregnant the month I started trying... shoot if that would have happened I would have a child over a year old now.

People I know are getting knocked up left and right and it makes me jealous/envious and angry. I know life isn't fair... but damn. I put on a happy face and say all the right things, but inside I'm crying and heartbroken. I dread going to work... I dread going to different events because all people want to talk about is who's pregnant and blah blah blah. Really... I go to things to get away from these things, to get away from my life and my hardships. I think that's why I've become a hermit again. It's way easier to just stay at home than to go out and listen to it all the time and have to go to the bathroom to cry or make an ass out of myself in public.

I'm so sick of listening to people bitch about being pregnant. Get over it already. If you didn't want to get pregnant then there are things to protect against it. Yes, being pregnant makes you tired... it makes you nauseous... so on and so forth... but there are people that would LOVE LOVE LOVE to feel that way. When I was pregnant... every time I felt so tired I could drop after work it was a reminder that FINALLY I'm going to be a mom. Everytime I felt sick to my stomach or I bumped my boob on something and it hurt so bad I almost cried... I took it as a reminder that FINALLY I get to give my husband a child. So instead of bitching all the time... why don't you take it as a reminder that you have something growing inside you that some people would love to have.

I go Monday to meet with my PCM one more time before I meet with the surgeon. I gotta get med refills and a referral to a psychiatrist. They make you see a Psych before hand to make sure you're mentally prepared for the drastic lifestyle changes that you'll be undergoing and so that you're realistic in your expectations. If you don't pass your psych exam... that means no surgery for you. I'm sure I'll have no trouble meeting their standards.

Every Limbo Boy and Girl...

Gotta love always being in limbo.

So today I went to the OB/GYN for my miscarriage recheck. Let me tell you how fun that wasn't. Today was supposed to be my first Prenatal appointment so... yeah it started off sucky. The one small miracle that did happen was that there were no... and I mean NO pregnant women in the waiting room. That would have made it ten times worse... one hundred times worse. I mean, the main reason I didn't go in for my last set of blood work at the lab was all the pregos sitting in there. I didn't think my heart could handle going through that again. (No offense to prego people, but really put yourself in my shoes for about 10 seconds and I'm sure you could understand). Today I got to ask my questions and have them answered. I asked him about clotting issues and progesterone. He said he could monitor my progesterone if we got pregnant again if I wanted him to. Which... DUH of course I do. I also asked him if it was normal that I was still having pain when I um... *TMI INCOMING* orgasm. He said it was. My uterus had started stretching to make room for the baby and now it is trying to contract back down to normal size and orgasms cause uterine contractions. This is one of the reasons he would like me to wait for 2 cycles to start trying again. Obviously my body is still healing from the miscarriage. I'm due to start my period in 6ish days and that might not be enough time for my body and could hamper my pregnancy if we were to do a treatment this cycle and have it work. So... we wait... in limbo.

Tomorrow I go to my first visit with the surgeon. It is an information gathering thing. Basically we are waiting to find out more from the surgeon before we decide what we are going to do with our fertility treatments. Ideally, I would like to have the surgery with in the next few months, wait a while, then try getting pregnant because honestly, that is the best option. It takes Tricare usually 6-8 weeks to give approval once the surgeon gathers all the information to submit to them. The surgeon could tell me no he won't do the surgery because we plan on having children in the nearish future. There are many different things that are coming into play, so once again, I am in limbo. Hopefully I will come out of the otherside tomorrow with more information. I mean, there are many reasons I would like to have the surgery.

1. It will help with my PCOS, which increases my chance to get pregnant and REDUCES my chance of having a miscarriage.

2. It will help decrease my chance for so many other life threatening illnesses as I get older.

3. Overweight people are more likely to have miscarriages so, once again, I will be reducing that risk.

4. I'm sick of starving myself and exercising and seeing no results.

I know a lot of people are probably thinking... "she's lazy and just looking for a quick fix." Not true, but believe what you will. I've always been heavy, partially due to genetics, partially due to all the steroids that were pumped into my body as a child for asthma, allergies, etc. I don't over eat (1500 calories a day). I exercise, and I will do more exercising now that the weather is nice. I have an active job (You try keeping track of ten 12-24month old kids). What it comes down to, I'm tired of struggling on my own and I want help. This surgery would be a tool to help me in my weighloss. It's not a miracle worker. I'm not going to have it done and POOF I'll be skinny. No, I will have to watch what I eat; I will have to exercise. So back to what I was saying before I rambled on.

We are in limbo because of the surgery, but I hope that I have some answers before it comes time to try to decide to take Clomid or not.