1+1=4?

So yesterday around 5pm I went to the restroom and found blood in my undies and when I wiped. This, of course, immediately freaked me out. I called my OB's on-call nurse who told me, based on the bleeding and the clots I passed in addition to the back pain I was having I should be seen within the next 4 hours. Thayer and I went straight to the ER in my hometown (we are out of state visiting family). The got me back in a room and did blood work and had me pee in a cup. Then we waited for an ultrasound tech to come in. They don't have one on staff 24/7 because it's such a small hospital so they had to call her in. At about 8pm we went back to have our ultrasound. Of course I was expecting the worst.

They started with a transabdominal US and took some pictures of my ovaries and uterus, but couldn't get a clear picture of what was going on in my uterus. She then switched to an transvaginal US. After lots of looking and measuring the ultrasound tech zooms in on my uterus and says, "Looks like we have two kiddos in there." She then proceeded to show us Baby B followed by Baby A. She took pictures and measurements of each and checked their heart rates. Baby A had a heart rate of 174 and Baby B had a heart rate of 177. There are 2 yolk sacs, and based on the fact that I ovulated out 2 eggs, our best guess at the moment is that they are fraternal twins.

Both babies are measuring 8w3d as of yesterday. It was pretty hard to get measurements on them because they were pretty wiggly and one wanted to hide some. Based on the day I ovulated instead of my last menstral periods I should be 8w4d as of yesterday (by LMP I would be 9w1d). The on-call OB I saw said things look good, and they couldn't pin point the cause of the bleeding. Since last night, the spotting has stopped. I'm on pelvic/bed rest until I see my regular OB on Wednesday.

Needless to say, we are a little bit shocked. We didn't really expect this at all. 3 1/2 years of trying for one little baby and not being able to manage it, all of a sudden we're having two. Guess I can look at is as I only have to go through morning sickness, pregnancy, labor/delivery, etc. once because we only plan to have 2 children.

We were too shocked, I think, to even ask for a print out of pictures of the little bugs. We should have those on Wednesday though because they were planning on doing and ultrasound that day anyways.

8w4d with TWINS!

8 weeks

Things have still been going well. Not really any morning sickness today. Not sure how I feel about that. It's one of those double edge sword situations. Does the absense of symptoms mean something is going wrong? Yesterday I was miserable. Due to the Zofran (morning sickness, nausea medicine) I was incredibly constipated (lol, tmi I know). Finally took something to help and it was... painful. I still haven't gained any weight, but I think I've finally stopped losing weight. I've been making sure to drink plenty of fluids and eat good food in addition to my protein shakes.

I'm doing the very best I can. It does depress me some to know that even with me doing my very, very best it might not be enough to make this little bug stay safe and growing in my uterus. I try not to think about miscarrying again, but from time to time it does cross my mind. I keep reminding myself not to count my chickens before my eggs hatch because I know that at any moment this blessing could be taken away from me. It's a hard pill to swallow, especially when so many women I know can get pregnant in the blink of an eye. I really don't know how much heartbreak I can survive at this point, and I just hope that this is finally my time.

We are telling my in-laws tomorrow that we are expecting. My parents already know; they've known since the morning I got my BFP. They live overseas so tomorrow it will technically be Christmas day for them. We're also planning on announcing on Facebook after we have our next doctor's appointment. I have a SUPER cute idea for how to do it.

 

 Not the best picture. So is the little pooch bloat or the start of the bump? I'm betting on bloat... lol. I do know that because of my surgery I will tend to "pop" sooner than most first time moms because I'm stretched out muscle wise like I've been pregnant before.

 

Symptoms: Nausea, enlarged, tender breasts (1/2 cup size already), sensitive nipples, tired a lot, feeling very lethargic, constipated.

7 weeks... holy all day sickness

This post is late. The holidays and preparing for them have kept me pretty busy. I had my first doctors appointment on Tuesday. They adjusted my due date to August 4th. They took blood, had me sign papers, and went over basic information. I got a nice little, free book. All my bloodwork came back normal. My next appointment is still January 2nd. I've now lost almost 10 pounds since finding out I was pregnant, though I don't look it because I look super bloated.

This week the morning sickness (or should I say all day sickness) has really kicked in. The doctor gave me a prescription for Zofran. It has been a complete life saver. I already have difficulty eating much because of my surgery and being nauseous and barfing just made it that much worse. Actually... I don't really even barf. I just dry heave really hard because of the way my stomach had been re-routed. It hurts more than anything and sounds really horrible.

I'm not complaining. Just stating facts. I'm thankful every time I feel sick. I'm thankful for waking up all night long to run to the bathroom because I get up at least 3 times a night to pee now because I'm drinking so much water. I wouldn't change it for a second. I know how lucky I am. I also know that I have another 5 weeks before this little baby is completely nestled inside me and safe.

Symptoms: tired, all day sickness, sore nipples/boobs, weightloss, frequent urination.

6 weeks

Today marks 6 weeks. I FINALLY was able to make my first appointment. Let me tell you what a pain in the ass that was. First, I had to wait for insurance approval to make the appointment. I got that on Friday AFTER the doctors office was already closed. So, I called first thing Monday morning. After 15 minutes on hold on the appointment line I told the scheduler about my concerns over weightloss due to my gastric bypass surgery. She told me she would put in paperwork for the referral specialist to look over. The referral person would look it over and talk to the doctor to determine if I would an earlier than normal first appointment. The scheduler told me it would probably take 3-5 days for the referral person. I was so FRUSTRATED. I just want to know that everything is okay. I just want something to go right for me for once. Luckily, today (Tuesday) I got a call back. I have an appointment on Dec. 18th to go in and sign forms and have labs done. Then we have our first appointment at 9w1d on January 2nd. These days cannot get here fast enough. I was hoping because of my medical concerns I would get seen earlier than "normal" but he doesn't seem that concerned about it.

6 weeks - Some bloat

Symptoms: nausea after eating and if I go very long with an empty stomach, sore nipples, fatigue, acne, constipation, restless sleep, peeing more frequently.

Smexy Just In Time

Well it looks like I got my boudoir pictures done just in time because now I'm pregnant and bloated. I'm pretty happy with them! I feel awesome. It's so weird to see my collar bones and shoulder blades. I'm so used to being a fatty with rolls on top of rolls that hid all my bones.

I did some "naughty teacher" shots.

I look naked, but I have a corset on.

This is my favorite... I editted it down.. you can't see my corset and thigh highs :-P

5 weeks and counting...

Today is the 5 week mark. I'm feeling pretty good. Peed on another test a couple of days ago with a 3 hour hold. It was darker than the others. I take that as a good sign. Still waiting on getting into the doctor and making my first appointment. It's frustrating, but I guess patience is a virtue. It's just difficult when there is no way of knowing if everything is going right. Heck, really, even if I could get into the doctor there isn't any way of knowing every moment of every day if everything is going alright. I guess I just need to have faith that it is finally my turn. It's hard when I've been fooled into thinking that before. Yes, I have my hopes up and I try not to think about the "bad" things, but I would be completely lying if I said it didn't cross my mind from time to time. I'm ready for Christmas to be here so we can tell the world our exciting news. I'll be about 8 weeks at that time. It's still before the "safe zone" but I don't want to spend the pregnancy hiding. I want to enjoy every minute because I know it can be taken away from me in a heartbeat.

Tomorrow I'm going into get my boudoir pictures. I'm so excited to see them! I know they're going to look great!

5 Weeks... just some bloat.

Symptoms: bloated, nausea on and off, acne breakout, twinges in my belly, tiredness, moodiness, emotional (crying at weird stuff), sore nipples, and swollen breasts.

I've had no cramping for a couple of days and no bleeding.

Last Installment of Thankful!

Day 15 - I am thankful that I got to have the most amazing mentor teacher during my internship. We may have been the same age, but the experience was amazing. I learned a lot and I know they had a good experience in working with me as well.

Day 16 - Thankful it is Friday and I can spend all weekend in my PJs if I want to! I love relaxing weekends where I have nothing to do other than hang out at home.

Day 17- Today I am thankful for hot, relaxing showers and bubble baths.

Day 18 - Today I am thankful for my bed. Goodnight all.

Day 19 - I am thankful for the beautiful weather. 60 degrees and flip flops in November... heck yeah!

Day 20 - I am thankful my husband helped me clean the house before my parents get here.

Day 21 - I am thankful for my Crockpot!

Day 22 - I am thankful for being able to spend Thanksgiving with family for the first time in about 5 years.

Day 23 - I am thankful for Thanksgiving left overs and the International Wine Center!

Day 24 - I am thankful for my computer(s).

Day 25 - I am thankful for the wonderful, exciting news I got today!

Day 26 - I'm thankful for rainbows.

Day 27 - I'm thankful for turning in my last homework assignment EVER!

Day 28 - I am thankful for smartphones!

Day 29- I'm thankful for wonderful, supportive parents!

Day 30- I'm thankful for my amazing husband who is going to make a great dad one day, hopefully soon!

248 Days

Well little baby bug is still plugging away. I'm 4w4d along. I'm having more and more symptoms. My hpt got progressively darker, and I've finally quit peeing on things. I got official confirmation from Planned Parenthood that I am pregnant. I needed to turn in a note with confirmation that I am indeed pregnant for insurance purpose.

I'm pretty sure I'll be moving over to the new blog once we know for sure that this baby is going to stick. Until then I'll keep posting here.

Symptoms:

Gas, sore nipples, feeling like I have to poop all the time, weird cramping/stretching feeling, BAD leg aches, and very very tired.

Tiny Update

So the line is darker today, which is a good sign. I'm going for confirmation tomorrow at the clinic. I don't know when my first doctor appointment is. They have to wait for my insurance clearance before they can schedule the appointment. The clearance should be done sometime next week. Tomorrow will be 4w0d. Praying this little bug stays sticky.

In the nearish future I will probably be transitioning to a pregnancy blog. I would like to keep this one just for my infertility journey.

254 Days to Go....

So yesterday I was having a struggle with myself...test.. don't test... test... Well I did. It is very very early, but I would like to announce that Baby Bug is due August 6, 2013. Today is 12dpo, so I'm only about 3w5d pregnant so anything could happen. My second trimester is set to begin on my 28th birthday so I'm going to take this as a good sign.

Please keep me and my little bug in your prayer. I'm scared so much of a miscarriage at this point. I had a pretty good positive today. It wasn't super faint. I'm going to call my OB/GYN tomorrow. I've only told a handful of people. We are going to wait a little while longer before spilling the beans to the entire world, but I knew I couldn't keep my readers in suspense for forever! Send me some good juju!

The line is darker in person. The camera washed it out a little bit.

Testing... Testing... 11dpo

Today is 11dpo. I took a test yesterday (one of the $.88 Walmart First Signals ones) and got a BFN. No real surprise there. I'm thinking about testing tomorrow. I'm pretty torn. Today I've been super tired. I'm not sure if I'm getting sick. My backaches, but that could be from sleeping on an air mattress for 3 nights. My temp is still up. Today I was changing out the bedding and bumped a pillow against my boob and it was like being stabbed. I hate feeling so conflicted. I'm prepared for disappointment. That's pretty much all I've ever known on this TTC journey. I just want to have a holiday miracle. I want something to go my way, just this once.

Today Thayer and I broke the wishbone from our turkey from Thanksgiving. I think we were both wishing the same thing. I won. Maybe that's a sign. Also, if I am pregnant this time around my second trimester will begin on my birthday. What a great birthday present making it to the "safe zone" would be.

So now.. the question is... to test or not to test in the morning. I do have about 6 tests sitting in the drawer doing nothing. Either way AF is due Monday or maybe Tuesday if I really have managed to stretch my luteal phase out to 14 days instead of just 13.

I just want something good to happen. I deserve that right?

It Ran for Cover

In the world of infertility, hope is very fleeting. Some days it's there, some days it's gone. Today is a "it ran for cover" type of day. For some reason I'm just feeling really down. Maybe it's the fact that I'll have to spend another holiday season with empty arms. The holidays aren't that much fun when you don't have kids and you desperately want them. I feel as if I'm doomed to be an infertile failure for the rest of my life. No matter what I do, no matter what I try, no matter what medicine I take, nothing seems to be doing the trick. I know it's my fault. I'm the broken one. I'm the one that can't give my husband a child. I'm the one that can't make my parents grandparents again. I'm the one that can't make my sister an aunt. I'm the one whose body has betrayed her. I can't even do the most natural task of a woman. My hope has ran and hid and I don't even know where to look to even try to regain it.

Today I am 6dpo. I have another week to go until my period will arrive and I will know once again that I'm a disappointment. I've done everything right... but I'm being punished. Why?... WHY!?!

I haven't cried about infertility in a while, but here I sit thinking about my childless future and can't help but for alone and desperately sad. My heart aches and bleeds. My eyes cry.

I've tried to be optimistic. I've tried desperately to hold onto hope, but every month of 1 lined pregnancy tests depletes the "hope bank" a little more. I'm running on fumes at this point.

Double the Fun (pain)...?

So this month I think I ovulated from both sides. There's no real way to confirm it. I didn't take an OPKs this month. Not really sure why. I just didn't feel like peeing on anything for once... lol. I got ovulation pains on the left side on CD 17 an then had a .8 degree temp spike the following morning. This confirms ovulation. The ovulation pains were pretty intense. I ended up taking tylenol to try and bring it down a couple of notches because it felt like someone was stabbing me with and ice pick. Then on CD 18 I started having ovulation pains on the right side. It was the same stabbing feeling. I know it is possible to ovulate more than one egg. That's how we end up with fraternal twins. I suppose only time will tell. I guess that it is a good thing... at least the swimmers have two targets to shoot for. Now the waiting game begins. I'm 2dpo... 12 days to go. Please, please... for the love of cookies and candy... let me get pregnant this month. I could really use a miracle this Christmas.

Thankful for Things

Here is my second installment of things I'm thankful for in my life.

Day 8

I'm thankful for my awesome car. It gets great gas mileage which allows me to go see my family. We bought my car at the beginning of the year and I still absolutely love it. On this last trip it got 29mpg... which is better than 99% of all other vehicles in it's class. It drives and rides great. It has enough room for both of the dogs as well as kids when we finally add them to the mix.

 

Day 9
72 and sunny! Today I am thankful we escaped Minot! It has made a huge difference in my attitude and outlook on life. So happy right now! (Not that I don't miss my friends up there though). While I was enjoying some beautiful weather it was snowing and blowing up in Minot. The winters there and other aspects always seems to make my moods feel sullen and dreary for majority of the year. I always seemed to be in a funk that I just couldn't shake. Things have been a lot different since we moved. I'm generally a lot more happy. Thayer and I bicker less. I'm able to see my family as often as I want. There is a lot more to do if I choose to do it. I've gotten to see all my old friends and spend time with them. I'm so happy that we left Minot. This doesn't, however, mean that I don't miss the friends and 2nd family that I made up there. Hell, I've even seriously thought about visiting sometime in the future just to see them.

Day 10
Today I am thankful for awesome friends. Some I've had for over 2 decades and some are new. Some are close and some are half a country away. All of the are special in their own way and I love them. I know I always have someone to call when life gets me down.

 

Day 11

First, today I am thankful for all the men and women, past and present, who have served our country. I am forever in debt to you. This includes my grandpa Mallatt; my dad, and my husband. From my time as a miliary wife I saw first hand how much bullshit men and women in uniform put up with and just how much they sacrifice to make sure we're all safe.

 

Second, I am thankful that I got to know true and unconditionally love of being a mother. Today would have been Baby Hope's 1st birthday if she arrived on her due date. I love her to the moon and back and can't wait to hold her in my arms one glorious day.

Day 12
I was thankful that my bottle of wine was chilled when I got home. lol... not that I'm an alcoholic, but I do enjoy a good glass of Moscato after a rough day. I subbed in a middle school room and some of those kids.... geez.

Day 13
I am thankful that my stomach finally quit being upset. It was a long night. I apparently ate something I shouldn't have, and it sent my stomach reeling for about 3-4 hours.

Day 14

 

Today I'm thankful that I O'd :) Now the waiting begins. Maybe I'll get my Christmas wish this year! I ovulated yesterday (CD17). I confirmed this morning with temperature rise and ovulation pains yesterday. We timed everything pretty good this cycle too... so... here's to hoping I have good news in about 2 weeks.

Hodge Podge

This blog is going to be a hodge podge of a little bit of everything that has happened recently.

This last weekend I went home by myself for a weekend with the girls and a break from the husband. It was great! On Thursday I drove up and that evening I just hung out with my parents and nephew. Then on Friday I got up and went into town to shop with my mom. I bought some movies and we went to lunch at a Greek restaurant. The food was really tasty. Friday night was when a lot of the fun happened. I cut loose and forgot about everything in life. We went to see a male "revue" show put on by former Chippendale dancers called "Fifty Shades of Men"... think Magic Mike live. It was lot of fun! Then we went out dancing at a couple of clubs. By the end of the night I was barely walking straight, I was so drunk. At the club I had a couple of drinks bought for me and danced with a random guy. It helped my confidence a little. It's nice to know someone other than my husband finds me at least a little bit attractive. After drinking we went out to IHOP and more mayhem ensued. :) I was a night I won't forget for a LOOOONG time! Then Saturday I went out to dinner with a friend I've known since I was 3. Later, she and I went over to another friend from middle/high school's house to just hang out and talk about life and things. It was nice to just sit around and enjoy each other's company.

As most people in the states know, Sunday was Veteran's Day (though most people "celebrated" on Monday with a day off). I'm proud to say I'm the granddaughter, daughter, niece, and wife of a veteran. My dad's father served in the Pacific during WWII. My great-uncle died in the Korean War and I inherited his Purple Heart. My dad and husband both served in the US Air Force. I'm proud of them for serving their country. I learned first hand being a military wife that freedom really doesn't come free. There is a lot of sacrifice involved... so if you haven't, be sure to thank a veteran. They're the reason we're all here safe and sound living our lives each day.

Baby Hope's Birthday
11/11/12 wasn't just Veteran's Day... it also would have been Baby Hope's first birthday if she would have arrived on her due date. It seems so long ago, but sometimes the pain is still so fresh. I still miss her. I still love her. I wish she was here every single day! Life would be so much different. So here's to Baby Hope... with love, kisses, and hugs.

Yesterday and today I had my first dose of substitute teaching. It was for a 7th grade English class. I have no decided I don't think I could ever teach a regular classroom of middle school kids. I've worked in middle school special education before and that wasn't THAT bad. Some of the classes were amazing. They sat quietly and did their work, were respectful and kind... and then there were a few other that made me want to pull my hair out. They were just so talkative. Other than that, though, they weren't really that bad. I do have a few notes to myself, however, after this experience. 1. Wear heels... the kids will still be taller than me but the will be less taller than me. 2. Take my piercings out. For some reason they were all very fascinated by these. 3. Do not wear a push-up bra. -- Today there was a really awkward moment when one of the boys informed his group and half the classroom that I had big boobs. Yeah.... A-W-K-W-A-R-D!!!

It's the Little Things

This is my Be Thankful compilation number 1. If you have questions about the challenge please refer back to this blog. The Be Thankful Challenge.

Challenge Day 1

Today I am thankful the Clomid prescription that I refilled today. I am hopeful that this might be THE month. In the same line with the prescription, I am thankful that my body responds to the Clomid. There are so many woman who don't have the option to take Clomid or whose body doesn't respond to it. At least I'm lucky enough to have a body that responds to it.


Day 2

I am thankful I went through with my surgery and had the support I did. I am happier and healthier than I have ever been in my life. I am thankful I had no complications as well. I have no regrets whatsoever about having gastric bypass surgery. It has done nothing but change my life for the better. Sure, I have sacrificed things like soda, beer, fatty foods, and most sugary desserts, but I wouldn't change it for a second. I'm so much more healthy. It has also significantly improved my PCOS so that hopefully I will be on my way to motherhood soon!

Day 3

I am thankful my puppies. They have helped me get through some of my roughest moments. When I'm feeling down they are always there to give me love unconditionally. My dogs, especially Myst, have been such a source of strength for me in the past. There was one really low point in my life several years ago that I really thought about killing myself. I was at my wits end and so depressed. One thought that crossed my mind was "What will Myst do without me? She'll be so sad." When I went through my miscarriage and then recovery from surgery they were always right there beside me, just wanting to be as close as possible to me. I couldn't love them more. They are my furry children!

 

Day 4

I am thankful for a roof over my head and food in my tummy. There are so many people on there that don't have these things and it's a shame. We're one of the richest nations in the world but we have starving and homeless people :(

 

Day 5

I'm thankful for my education (which is almost complete as I graduate in a month!!!). I love the profession I'm going into and love knowing I can make a real difference in the lives of children. I have worked hard to complete my Bachelors degree as well as my Master's degree. I can't wait to start putting all of this knowledge in my head to good use. I'm ready to have my own classroom and to really start impacting some lives. I couldn't have picked a more rewarding profession, though the pay certainly does not reflect all the hard work. I am thankful to know I will be changing the lives of hundreds of kids because of the positive, responsible decisions I have made.

 

Day 6

Today I am thankful that I rocked my Praxis test. Now hoping I get a call back soon about a job. The Praxis test is the certification test that teachers are required to take before receiving or adding on to their teaching license. I needed a score of 158 out of 200 to pass. I scored a 182!!! I passed with flying colors. I was so happy I did the happy dance while my dogs looked at me like I was crazy.

 

Day 7

Today I am thankful for the internet. It allows me to talk to friend and family hundreds and thousands of miles away. It allows me to go to school and do my homework. It also provides fun and entertainment. It has allowed me to meet some of the most amazing people, including my husband.

Inspiration

There has been several times that I have been told that people love that I am so open about my infertility journey. I bare my soul on my blog about anything and everything in my life. It makes me feel good when someone tells me I'm doing a good job or that I helped them get through something or even that they can relate to how I'm feeling. It's a relief to know that my own personal struggles can help someone else.

A few days ago I got a huge dose gratitude from an unlikely source and thought I would share it with you all. 

A friend of mine, I'll call here Sarah for the sake of anonymity, made a huge confession to me. She told me that she was pregnant with her boyfriend's baby even though she was on birth control. She is part of a very strict Catholic Mexican family and knew that it would absolutely break her parents heart. This friend is a smart, successful woman. She went to college and graduated last spring. She just happens to be part of that .1%. She came to me to tell she was pregnant not to hurt me, but to tell me that I had helped her decide to keep the baby. She had initially wanted to have an abortion because she knew how much her parents would disapprove. Her exact words were as follows: "But just wanted to tell you that after thinking a lot, I decided to keep it and you were one of my reasons, because I've seen you stuggle for one, and you were a inspiration to keep it, because of you I realized so many women dream of one so much it would just be cruel and horrible... It is a gift no matter how hards it's gonna be... so I don't know if this will affect you or not, but I just wanted to let you know that in some way you helped me and my little one."

My point is not to advocate for or against abortion. Personally I believe it is a choice everyone should have access to. My point is that you never know who or how your story can help others. If I hadn't been open and willing to share my experiences and desperate longing to have a child then she may have made a different decision. It's nice to know that I have made a difference in not only her life, but also her child's life. It's nice to know that my struggle isn't always in vain and that other people are getting something out of hearing and reading my story. You never know what sharing the good and bad in your life end up doing.

Be Thankful Challenge

This month I'm going to try to actively participate in the "Be Thankful Challenge." Each day during the month of November I will write about one thing that I'm thankful for. It could be something big or small. Something that means a great deal or is relatively insignificant. What matters is the fact that I will be looking at all of the things that are good in my life and not focusing on the things that aren't going the way I want. I'm going to try really hard to look at all the things I should be happy to have instead of dwelling on the things I don't have (e.g. a child). I'm going to be posting these each day on my Facebook and I will probably compile them weekly here on my blog instead of making a post each and every day.

Challenge Day 1

Today I am thankful the Clomid prescription that I refilled today. I am hopeful that this might be THE month. In the same line with the prescription, I am thankful that my body responds to the Clomid. There are so many woman who don't have the option to take Clomid or whose body doesn't respond to it. At least I'm lucky enough to have a body that responds to it.

In All Seriousness...

 

Is it sad that I know exactly how Dumbo's mother feels. Each month hoping, praying, wishing that it would finally be my turn. Watching everyone else have children, even people who don't deserve them or want them. It's so watch everyone else get your dream and feel like it will never, ever happen for you. It is so hard to have hope month after month. People say to just relax, not to worry. I'm not sure how that would even be possible. How can you not think about your dream of becoming a parent, especially when you HAVE to work to try and become a parent? Mrs. Jumbo is a strong elephant. Even as her heart breaks she continues to hope. Even when she is the odd woman out and every other elephant has a child to love and hold, still she hopes. I guess that is one thing going for me. I know that I'm an incredibly strong woman who keeps trying no matter how much my heart breaks. Month after month, cycle after cycle, still I try to keep my head up. I try my hardest to have hope. It's never easy to keep going, to try and put each failure behind me, but I do my best.

 

 

 

There are so many times I put on a happy face and pretend that everything is okay. I have become pretty accustomed to putting on a show and not letting people know if and when things are bothering me. Sometimes all I really need is someone to tell me it wille be alright and give me a hug.

 

 

 

Every month, when a new cycle comes, women go through grief. Even if they know there is little hope, they cling to that. This doesn't mean I'm weak. This doesn't mean I'm a bad person. All it means is that I love my unborn, unconceived child more than most people could even dream of.

 

This is something I seem to struggle with every month. I'm never quite sure after another failed cycle how much more I can take. Usually on CD1 I feel like throwing in the towel and saying "I give up!" I have a good cry and pull myself together over the next couple of days. I put on a happy face again, go get my refill of Clomid and prepare to begin again.

 

Infertility Humor

There is nothing more annoying than bitches complaining about how long it took them to get pregnant, especially when it was such an insignificant amount of time. Try over THREE YEARS bitch!

It seems like the people that shouldn't or don't deserve to be parents are the ones that can get knocked up over and over again without trouble at all. Teenager, people who suck welfare dry... etc.

lol not much more to say about this one...

Bitch Showed Up...

Not much more to say than that. Another cycle down the drain. Another month of hoping that was worthless. Another month of prayers unanswered. I swear if one more person tells me "in God's time" I will shove a Bible so far up their ass their mouth will spew pages like a copy machine.

I had an interview today. That looks promising. She sounds like she really wants me in the position but has to go through the whole process of interviewing all the candidates. The director said that if I were to take a position I would be pretty much in line for the next teaching job that opened up as well because they like to hire from the inside. I really hope I get it. Not sure when I'll find out.

I should know by the beginning of next week whether I passed my Praxis exam so I can have my Special Education certification added onto my license. I'm pretty sure I passed.

Probably Jinxing Myself

My last 2 cycles I started spotting on 12dpo and began my full period on 13dpo (CD1). As of today I am 12dpo and my temp is still up. I had a tiny bit of spotting last night when I went to the restroom, but haven't really had anymore. I know in typing this I'm probably jinxing myself. Every time I start to get excited and really hopeful, my body screams "SIKE!!!!!!!!!" More than likely I'll wake up in the morning and my temp will have dropped and AF will be on her way, but until that happens I'm going to be cautiously optimistic.

I know if AF comes I will be upset and cry. Another month gone, another month of empty uterus, and in the end, another month of waiting for good news. We're quickly approaching the 3 1/2 year mark. Some day it will be my turn, right?

Rounding Out the Last of the 2ww

As of today I believe I am 11dpo. My temp is still high (98.6) as compared to preovulation (97.9). These are good signs. My boobs (or nips to be more exact) are still sore. More so the last couple of days than before. Also, on 8dpo I woke up in the middle of the night and dry-heaved for about 2 hours. Because of my surgery, I can't really throw up unless I ate/drank sometime immediately before because my pouch empties out so quickly. Since then I have been feeling sick to my stomach off and on. Just a kind of blah, slightly nauseous feeling everytime I eat or drink something.

The last few days of the 2ww are always the worst for me. I wake up. Stick the thermometer in my mouth and wait for the disappointment of seeing the temperature go down. The last couple of months my temp drop happened on 12dpo and AF came on 13dpo (CD1). I really have been wanting to test, but have been doing my best not too. When I wake up in the morning I immediately rush to the bathroom to pee so I'm not even tempted by my FMU (first morning urine). I know for certain it would be too early to show a positive with anything other than FMU. lol. I know it sounds silly, but it is better than torturing myself. If I got a negative I know I would just think "Oh, it's too early." If I got a positive I really don't know what I would do besides freak out. I know I would be scared to death that I would lose the new baby too.

So there it is...

I'm keeping my fingers cautiously crossed and hoping for the best. That's all I can do right? It's not up to me anymore. Again, I've done my part. I ovulated. I've been taking care of myself. It is out of my hands at this point.

Felt Good to Forget

So this last cycle I kind of said screw it and didn't really keep close track of things like I usually do. I took my Clomid CD 5-9. I did a few OPKs but didn't keep doing them until I got a positive. To be honest, I had a lot going on and I completely forgot. Thayer and I just BD'd every other day like usual. It was a lot less stressful. I had ovulation pains and then a temp rise a day later. So I know I ovulated. As of today I'm either 7 or 8dpo. It really felt good to just relax and forget about it for a while. Maybe that will be the trick.

Thayer and I celebrated our 4th anniversary on October 16th. I had parent/teacher conferences that night so we didn't really do much except go to dinner the night before. He bought me a dozen roses and had them delivered to the school. That was really sweet.

This weekend we went home for a visit. My mom and I took my nephew to the pumpkin patch. He had a great time. I love spending time with him. He's so cute and smart, though he can be a handful at times. We also had family pictures done. The last time we had family pictures done was when K (my nephew) was about a year old. I think after my sister passed away we really learned the value of having those memories and being able to look back.

Days Come and Go

This year will be my second year participating in the Wave of Light for Pregnancy and Infant Loss on October 15th. As many of my readers already know, I lost our first and only baby in 2011 to a miscarriage. It was difficult, and I'm not going to lie, sometimes it's still difficult. We have now been trying for over 3 years to have a successful and healthy pregnancy to no avail. Maybe our time will come this month. I still miss baby Hope every day. I probably will always miss her. As time has passed things have gotten easier, but I still have my moments of sadness. I think about next month would have been baby Hope's first birthday or this would have been baby Hope's first Halloween. It's difficult not to think about things like that. I know I sound like a Debbie Downer, but I miss my baby. I want to be a mother. Either way, I hope you all will join me in participating in the Wave of Hope at 7pm in your time zone. I know I will be lighting a candle and remembering baby Hope tomorrow night.

Maybe this will be our month. I'm pretty sure I ovulated today. I got a positive OPK today and I felt killer ovulation pain (think ice pick stabbing you where your ovary should be). I always have ovulation pain, but it gets really bad when I'm on Clomid. I will tomorrow morning if I really have ovulated or not because I will see if my temp rise has happened yet. Either way, we have the BDing bases covered.

Tuesday is also Thayer and I's anniversary. We will have been married for four years. Sometimes it feels like it has been forever and other times it feels like we haven't really been together that long. I think we're just going out to dinner on Tuesday night after I get done with Parent/Teacher conferences. We already got out anniversary present. We bought a Keurig that we have been using the crap out of. I absolutely love it. I make tea, cider, hot cocoa, and yes, coffee in it! Best investment I have made since getting my Dyson.

Next weekend we are going home for a visit and to have family pictures done. I'm looking forward to seeing my parents and (some) of my family. We haven't been back since August, which really isn't that long seeing as we used to go a whole year without seeing them back when we were stationed in Minot.

This week is also going to be difficult and sad. It is my last week at my internship. It is going to be so hard to say goodbye to the kids I've been working with this year. There are some that I've grown really attached to and that have grown really attached to me as well. One little guy I work with for almost 2 hours a day one-on-one. He is very worried about me leaving and keeps asking me to stay. I really wish I could. If we could afford it I would stay for the whole semester, but the truth is I really need to get a job. I am now waiting on my Praxis results (Teaching Certification Test). They should be here no later than the first week of November. I took the test last Friday and the results take up to around 3 weeks to get. I'm pretty sure I passed it, but there is still all this anxiety that comes along with taking a test that will determine your employability. I've been applying for a few jobs that I've seen open in the local area. There was one teaching job and there have been a few paraprofessional jobs. I'm going to call on Tuesday to make sure the school that had the teaching job open received my application. I'm crossing my fingers that I will at least get an interview. In some ways, I know it is kind of a long shot of me getting the job because I don't technically graduate until December, but once my Praxis results come back and are processed by DESE (Missouri Department of Elementary and Secondary Education) I will be certified to teach Special Education even though I don't have my degree yet.

On yet another exciting note, I have booked my boudoir photosession. I can't wait! I'm so excited. I have some awesome, sexy outfits to wear and got an awesome pair of stilleto heels to rock. The photoshoot is going to be at an old historic bed and breakfast that has different theme rooms all decorated in a Victorian style. It is going to be amazing. I'm going to get my nails and makeup done. If I'm going to do this, then I'm going to do it right!

I Love What I Do

Today was one of those days that I just absolutely love what I do. One of my kiddos at my internship wrote me a note at home and gave it to me today. It said that he was going to miss me. He also said thank you and that I was the best teacher in the whole world. I seriously about cried. All school year I have worked with this kiddo one on one for almost 2 hours each morning. I know he's going to have a hard time when I read. He mentions it each day and tells me he doesn't want me to leave. :( I love knowing that I'm making a difference in the lives of children. I couldn't ask for a better, more rewarding job. I'm sad that next week is my last week at my internship. I have learned so much and love all the kiddos I work with. It has been an amazing experience, and I have gotten to know so many wonderful educators! Never once have I doubted my decision to become a Special Education teacher. I love every minute of it. Even when some of the kids are having a bad day or one of them is have a lot of behaviors, I still love it.

Tomorrow is going to be a big day. I am taking my Praxis exam for Special Education. It is the teacher certification test required by the state of Missouri to be a teacher. I'm not really worried too much. I'm pretty sure I will pass it with no problem, but it still is a VERY important test. (Not to mention it costs $139).

Tomorrow I am also officially applying for my first Special Education job. It is about an hour or so away from where we live, but it is probably one of a very, very few teaching jobs that will open up in the middle of a school year. I'm crossing my fingers. I'm not sure if they'll consider me because I won't have my official certification for about a month. Here's to hoping though. I also found out that the teacher I'm interning with will most likely be moving to St. Louis this summer so her job will be open. She said she would be sure to let me know. I know that I would have an "in" because the teachers, principal, and Special Ed. director all know me.

Here's to hoping something finally goes right in my life. I deserve to have some great things happen.

Apples to Oranges

Sometimes I get really aggravated when people try to compare two things that really aren't alike at all. Here are a few examples of what I'm talking about.

- I have had many people compare them working on getting their Associate's degree to me getting my Master's. These, my friends, are apples and oranges. I have an Associate's degree. I know the work it involves. Yes, there are difficult times, but all in all it was pretty easy. You show up to class, you do the homework, you get a grade, end of story. Not saying that these people shouldn't be proud of their accomplishments. I'm not saying THAT at all. I'm simply saying the time and dedication it takes to receive an Associate's degree is less than it takes to receive a Master's degree. Surely this makes sense to most people. Logically, an advanced degree is going to take more effort than a, for lack of better words, basic degree. There is a reason that full time for a Master's program is only 9 credit hours and full time for Associate's and Bachelor's are 12 credit hours.

- Another one is infertility. I know people that have been struggling with infertility for years. Yes, I feel for them to a certain extent. But in some cases part of their situation is their own fault. In a few situations the couples do not have insurance that covers any treatment (this is pretty typical), but instead of saving money they go out and spend it on frivolous things. That would be find and dandy... that is their choice... until they compare their journey with mine. I firmly believe if you want something bad enough you will do anything in your power to try and attain whatever it is you want. I work tirelessly on trying to become a mother. I've saved up money for different things. I've planned ahead and know what treatments will cost and how we will go about affording them. I do all of this because I WANT IT BAD. Going out and wasting your money on stupid shit, then saying "I don't have money for treatments" is just asinine. If you want it bad enough you will save every penny. You would be willing to do anything in your power to become a parent. That is where the apples and oranges come in. I'm willing to do anything to become a mother, including having my insides cut apart and rearranged whereas these people aren't willing to say no to that new tattoo or new car, etc.

There are others, but these were the two weighing most heavily on my mind at the time. I won't apologize for what I've written. I'm not sorry if it offends you. This is the way I feel.

For When I'm Feeling Discouraged...

Tonight beings another month of pill popping to try and get pregnant. Maybe this will be the month. I found a few images of inspiration for when I start to get discouraged or defeated.