This is a window into my life.... Infertility, Pregnancy Loss, Marriage, Weight Loss Surgery, and finally... a multiple pregnancy.

Learn more about my Infertility Journey here:
3 years and counting

Welcome to the World Orion and Ronin!

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Thursday, March 31, 2011

Gotta Be Proactive

So the biggest thing I've learned since being up here is that I MUST be more proactive when it comes to my health. I know most doctors hate it when you google and look things up for yourself. But it seems that this is the only way that you can get the right quality care in some cases. I know that with my next pregnancy I will make certain demands. I will DEMAND to be seen immediately. I will DEMAND that they check my progesterone levels (one of the leading cases of miscarriage in women with PCOS). I will DEMAND that they check be for a clotting disorder (another leading cause of miscarriage with PCOS). You have to look out for yourself because no one else is going to do it. Please, please take my advice. Do your research... know what questions to ask, don't go in blind. I knew both of these things could cause me to miscarriage but I was scared to speak up.. I was scared to make demands and look where it got me?

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

My Name

My Name

It’s cold in here feels like everything’s upside down
I can feel you talking but I can barley make out the sound
I been kicking around these parts, feels like a year
I’m gonna change this world if I ever get out of here
She wants to dress me in pink, paint’s my bedroom blue
And I just laugh to myself, cause only I know the truth
This love is my only emotion
Haven’t learned any fear any pain
It’s kind of funny with all this commotion
I guess they’ve got me, to blame
They don’t even know my name
They don’t even know my name

Well I’ve never felt so ready, think it’s finally time
Cause that big old world is waiting, and it’s mine all mine
Just then everything got real quiet, it got real bright
And a man took my hand said don’t worry, Mommas gonna be alright
Then he opened the gate, & I followed him in
Said you can wait right, here till it’s your turn again
And his love is the one true emotion
Heaven knows no fear no pain
I never got to set my wheels in motion
They loved me just the same
And they didn't even know my name
Didn’t even know my name
You loved me just the same
And you didn’t even know my name

A Hot Mess *semi-graphic - you are warned*

Today I am a hot mess. I woke up sick as a dog. I got an appt. downtown with convienent care. I'm now on an anti-biotic and cough syrup with codine. Hopefully this respiratory infection gets better soon. While I was in town at the doctor I started cramping really bad. I hadn't cramped in a few days and the bleeding had all but stopped so I thought this whole miscarriage thing was coming to an end. The cramping and bleeding got pretty bad by the time I made it home after going by the lab to have my HCG level checked one last time. When I got home I laid down on the couch. I was in so much pain that I could barely breathe. I was miserable. I got up and went upstairs thinking that taking a shower and letting the warm water run over my back would help the cramping and that the steam would help my breathing. The cramping only got worse when I got upstairs. I sat down on the potty... things just felt wrong. After sitting there for a few minutes I finally passed the baby. I thought I had already passed it, seeing as this whole thing started 2 weeks ago and on the 17th I passed what I thought was the baby. I guess that was just a small clot, this was a lot bigger and I could tell looking at it that it wasn't just a clot, that it was something different and more than that. The cramping has subsided a lot since I passed the baby. I'm glad that there is finally a light at the end of the tunnel. Today I feel like a mess. I just want to feel better. I want to put this behind me. I want to move on. I don't want to cry anymore.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Happy Pills

So in the next month or so I will be making some major decisions about my health. First, I have to decide whether I want to go back on my anti-depressants or not. I went off of them when I thought I might be pregnant for the health of the baby. I am doing okay right now. I'm very hormonal, I know that. My body is basically going crazy coming down from the pregnancy hormone and trying to balance out with hormones you're supposed to have when not pregnant. I've been exceedingly moody and bitchy. Hopefully it all gets worked out soon. I don't want to go back on the anti-depressants unless I have to. The next is I'm contemplating having weight loss surgery. After trying for years to lose weight without success, I think I want to have LapBand surgery. I've done a lot of research. Many women with PCOS have gone on to conceive without fertility aids after losing weight with the help of the LapBand. I got a referral from my PCM last week and I'm calling Monday to make my appointment for my initial consultation with the surgeon on Monday. My PCM recommended that we try to get pregnant again before having the surgery... but the way I figure it, if I lose weight I will have a better pregnancy. Things will just be better all around. I'm sure some people won't agree with my decision... but it's not their life or body. I'm sure some people will think I'm taking the easy way out. If eating 1500-1600 calories for the last year and exercising without any results.... well I'm done working my butt off then not seeing any results. The PCOS makes it extremely difficult to lose weight. I've always been chunky... I think that is part of my DNA, but I would love to be back down to the size I was in HS. Gaining 35lbs in one month after going on Depo-Provera (the devil's birth control, that has now been linked with possibly causing PCOS) didn't help matters. They recommend not trying to get pregnant for a year after the surgery. The way I figure it, I just wouldn't go on BC. If it happens it happens. The only reason they don't recommend it, is the first year is when the most weight loss will happen. I just want to be healthy before I get too old. I'm also sick of the stigma that "fat" or "plus size" people are lazy. That's NOT true.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

A Little Better Every Day

So most days I'm doing pretty good. Today I cried for the first time in a few days. I was cleaning the bathroom and I found my pregnancy test. I kept it... I don't know why. I broke down and had a good cry. I just want this to be over. The bleeding is just a reminder... other things are a reminder. Am I still angry? Yes. Do I feel bitter? Yeah, sometimes. Life isn't fair. I said to someone the other day that God was an "indian giver." I still feel this way. He gave me a baby and took it away. Even if their was something "wrong" with the baby... Why even let me get pregnant? Why let me have hope only to rob me of it? Why does karma have to bite me in the ass so hard? Generally I lead a good and giving existance.

I went to the doctor on Friday to see about having an elective surgery. I go for a consult with the surgeon soon. I call Monday to make my evaluation appointment. My PCM recommended that we try to get pregnant again before going through with the surgery. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Part of me wants to... but then there is the other part of me that realizes that I need to get the surgery done while it is still covered by insurance. Plus, I know that it will make getting pregnant easier and make my pregnancies easier. I hate being torn. I wish my life could be easy, but it never is.

Sooner Rather Than Later

So.. today in the break room at work... I almost had to get up and leave. "People who don't have kids have no idea how hard it is to be a mom..."

People who have not struggled through infertility don't know the pain and anguish we go through TRYING to have a child. Maybe if everyone had to struggle they would appreciate their children more. 2 or 3 women in the break room complaining about their children and basically saying that people with out children know nothing about being a parent. It took all I had to keep my mouth shut.

People who haven't lost their baby don't know how hard it is to say goodbye to a child they never got to hold, kiss, the unimaginable love that is felt. They don't understand how the heart breaks.

I'm sure some think I'm making to much of my whole situation, and they are certainly entitled to their opinion... Until you've been there... until you've walked in my shoes, I'm not sure you'll ever understand. I'm not asking you to understand... I'm asking people to learn, educate themselves, have compassion and be sensitive to others because you never know what they might be going through or what they have gone through.

"Do not judge your neighbor until you walk two moons in his moccassins." ~Cheyenne Proverb

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Insensitivity Pisses Me Off

So... in the last few days there has been more than one of my "friends" on facebook that have been bitching and moaning about being pregnant. I just want to go off on them and tell them to shut the fuck up. Maybe I should just delete them. People bitching about being pregnant used to piss me off when I was just another "infertile," but now it pisses me off 10 times as bad. I just want to post a comment to them that says something like "I know heartburn is no cake walk, but I'm sure the emotional pain of knowing my baby is dead and I flushed him/her down the toilet is much worse than having to eat a couple of Tums." Or... "I know that being pregnant is no cake walk... at least you don't have to go through having the symptoms knowing that your baby is dead." Maybe I'm just a bitch... but insensitive, stupid people just make me so angry. It's not fair. Why can't people just be happy with what they have instead of bitching and moaning about it all the time? Why can't they think about all the women who can't have kids or who have had their babies die instead of crying? I mean... pregnancy is 100% preventable... if you don't want to be nauseous, have heartburn, have your boobs hurt, etc. then keep your damn legs closed. In all seriousness... the next person that complains about their pregnacy will be deleted after I post on their wall telling them just want I think about them and their bitching. *end rant*

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

When Shit Hits the Fan...

When shit hits the fan you find out just how amzing your husband is.... you also find out who your true friends are.

Over the last week, I have come to see just how awesome my husband is. He's held me while I cried my heart out repeatedly. He's gotten me food... he's cooked... he's cleaned... he's taken great care of me. He has shown me just how much he really loves me. So many things have gone wrong this year. My husband and I have been through so much in our 2 1/2 years of marriage and we just keep getting stronger. Infertility, separation from the military, moving across the US, miscarriage... we've just had it rough at times. I know that sticking together, helping each other and loving each other just makes us a better and stronger couple. That's right ladies... be jealous because my husband is AHHHH-Mazing!

I've also really come to appreciate certain friends even more over the past week or two. It's one thing to stick beside someone when times are good; anyone can do that. It is something completely different to support and be there for someone when their life seems to be falling apart. I love my friends all over the US!!

Monday, March 21, 2011

First Day Back

So today was my first day back to work after everything that happened. It was rough. I'm still cramping and bleeding. I haven't bled that much overall, and I'm pretty sure I haven't passed the baby. I haven't really passed any clots either. I've just had some tissue looking material. Isn't it sad that I'm worried my miscarriage isn't going correctly? My doctor doesn't even want to see me until the 25th of April. I think that is ridiculous. I had an appointment tomorrow on base with my PCM, but because of the snow storm, the appointment has been cancelled. Also, because of the storm I probably won't be able to make it downtown to get my bloodwork done. I hate North Dakota. Shitty healthcare... shitty weather... Blah... I'm so done with it up here. 2 more months until I don't have to deal with the crappiness.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Scared to Sleep

So I now have the worst insomnia. I'm literally scared to sleep. When I started spotting it was when I woke up... and then when I started miscarrying it was when I woke up. Maybe I'm not so scared of the actual sleeping; I'm scared of the waking. Last night I finally fell asleep at 5am. I'm lacking motivation to do anything... get dressed, do homework, clean... I just want to lay around on the couch in my jammies all day. Thayer has been trying to get me out of the house as much as he can.

Another thing I find ridiculous is that my OB doesn't even want to see me until April 25th. That's almost a month and a half after my miscarriage. I hate Minot, I hate their shitty healthcare. 2 more months until I'm the hell out of this frozen tundra hell on earth.

Just Trying to Get By

An Angel in the Book of Life wrote down our baby's birth, and whispered as she closed the book, "Too beautiful for Earth."

"The sudden disappointment of a hope leaves a scar which the ultimate fulfillment of that hope never entirely removes."

Just Those First Few Weeks
By Susan Erling

For those few weeks -
I had you to myself
And that seems too short a time
To be changed so profoundly

In those few weeks -
I came to know you...
and to love you.
You came to trust me with your life.
Oh, what a life I had planned for you!

Just those few weeks -
When I lost you I lost a lifetime of hopes,
plans, dreams, and aspirations...
A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.

Just those few weeks -
It wasn't enough time to convince others
how important and special you were.
How odd, and truly unique person has recently died
And no-on is mourning the passing.

Just a few more weeks -
And no 'normal' person would cry all night
over a tiny unfinished baby,
or get depressed and withdraw day after endless day.
No-one would, so why am I?

You were just those first few weeks my little one
You darted in and out of my life too quickly.
But ut seems that's all the time you needed
to make my life so much richer
and give me a small glimpse of eternity.

Author Unknown

These are my footprints,
so perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints
never touched the ground at all.
Not one tiny footprint,
for now I have wings.
These tiny footprints were meant
for other things.
You will hear my tiny footprints,
inthe patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angel's tears
of joy and not from pain.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in each butterflies' lazy dance.
I'll let you know I'm with you,
if you just give me a chance.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind,
and call each one that grieves.
Most of all, these tiny footprints,
are found on Mommy and Daddy's hearts.
'Cause even though I'm gone now,
We'll never truly part.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Different.... maybe...

I think that maybe, just maybe my miscarriage is hitting me differently than other women. I'm not saying that I'm in more or less pain, etc. I'm just saying that after enduring 2 years of trying... months of medicines that make me sick.... painful treatments to try and even get pregnant... that it might effect me a little differently. It's like a person tangling a piece of steak in front of a dog only to snatch it up and eat it himself. (I know... kind of a bad analogy, but you get the point). Most women will get pregnant again within a few months of trying... but me... what if it never happens again? What if that was my one and only chance and I failed? Miscarriage is hard no matter who is going through it. From the moment you see those 2 pink lines or read that word pregnant... you are in love... unimaginable love. You would do anything... ANYTHING to protect that baby. Until the night of my miscarriage I didn't realize how selfish I was being. For most of the day Thayer had acted like it didn't bother him... like he wasn't affected at all. Then we went to bed. I started talking and crying and he broke down and cried too. (He probably would shoot me if he knew I wrote that.) He was upset because 1. I was upset. and 2. He missed his baby too.

So for now... I'm allowed to be sad, angry, bitter, etc. Why? Because everyone grieves in their own way. For a moment I had a glimpse of heaven and it was taken from me.

One thing that does bother me, is I am just 1 of four women that I know up here that have lost their babies in the last month. Now... considering that the miscarriage rate is only 15%. I only know of one women that is having a normal pregnancy. To me... this seems way way way off.

Now I'm just back to the same old song and dance after waiting 2 months before trying again so my body can heal. Actually, our song and dance is going to be a bit different I hope... we shall see.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Angel Baby

So... as many of you who read what I post here regularly know... I found out last week that I was expecting. Tuesday morning I woke up at 5am to go to the bathroom only to find spots of dark brown blood. Scared, I called the clinic hotline and talked to one of there "advice" people who told me to go to the ER. I got dressed and went immediately in. They took 7 tubes of blood and did and U/S. I was discharged 3ish hours later with information about "threatened miscarriage" and put on bed rest. Things seemed to be going okay. The bleeding had pretty much stopped. I didn't have any cramping and it was all brown... until this morning when I started cramping like crazy and bleeding pretty bad. This morning Thayer and I said goodbye to our baby. My hopes and dreams were literally flushed down the toilet. I don't know if I've passed our little bean yet. I'm scared to know. I feel so bad knowing that that is where my baby is. I loved my baby so much. An unbelieveable love... unimaginable.... That is the baby I had been hoping and praying for, for 2 years only to be swept away. Did I do something wrong? Was I a bad mom? I know Thayer has reassured me time and time again that there is nothing I could have done. I took my vitamins, I ate extra healthy, I drank lots of water... I just feel so guilty... so sad. I want to talk about it... but when I do I start crying. I will write more when I can actually see the monitor though my tears.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Lay the SMACK down!

So tomorrow, I'm going to call Dr. Billings and lay the smack down. I called today to go ahead and make my first OB appointment. He doesn't want to see me until I'm 10-12 weeks. Now... I understand that this is "standard"... but I don't have a standard pregnancy. I have a special, fertility treatment induced pregnancy. Because of my PCOS, I need to have my progesterone levels monitored routinely. They also should check to see if I have any clotting disorders because those are common in women with PCOS as well. These two things are some of the reasons so may women with PCOS miscarry. I'm trying to breathe and not be upset. I asked the nurse and the appointment person if because of the IF treatments and Clomid, etc. if he would want to see me earlier. She said, "No, he likes to treat everyone the same." Well, I'm not everyone... I'm SOMEONE and I will get what I want. I will also call my RE and see what he says. I gotta be my own advocate in this stupid, backasswards place. I KNOW what needs to be done. It's not difficult to google. Most women on my PCOS support forums were seen in their 6th-7th week to make sure that everything was ok. I'm also not sure of my due date. I know my last period was Feb. 4th, but I'm pretty sure I ovulated late in my cycle which would throw my due date off. Additionally, because of the Clomid, there is an increase risk of twins. I'm not sure if I should be lifting considering all my risk factors for miscarriage... I just want to see a doctor and get some answers. Today, work at me so aggravated that I just wanted to put me 2 week notice in. I really really did. RAWR.... ok... now to breathe and not stress.

Saturday, March 12, 2011


So.. now that I found out I'm pregnant... my greatest fear is that I will lose the baby. My greatest fear used to be that I would never be a parent. Everytime I go to the bathroom I am petrified that I will find blood when I wipe. Almost every night I have had a bad dream about it. I don't want to be afraid, but I am. I just want everything to work out. I deserve to have it work out! I know deep down inside that good things come to those that wait. I just hope beyond hope that my wait is over.

I'm so ready to go the doctor so maybe he can reassure me. I'm sure because of the Clomid there is more testing that I should have done. Maybe they will want to do an ultrasound to see if I'm having twins.

Friday, March 11, 2011

A Journey through Infertility....

So... if you're new to my blog or don't know me too well... I'm going to fill you in on my fertility journey.

At the age of 22 I was officially diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). I had lots of trouble with my periods for years before then. I was put on birth control at the age of 14 because I was having so many difficulties. I knew going into my marriage that we would have trouble conceiving. I even warned Thayer.

Thayer and I started trying to have a baby about 7 months after we were married (June 2009). When I went to the doctor and told him we were TTC he put me on Metformin to try and help me have a regular period, etc. In Oct. of that year I saw an OB/GYN who basically refused to treat me. He wanted Thayer to have a semen analysis. It took me nearly a year to convince Thayer to have this done. Everything checked out fine with him. I then went back to a different OB/GYN. He referred me to an RE and discussed putting me on Clomid. I had an HSG ran and began my first cycle of Clomid in January. During my Clomid cycles I had to have 2 Ultrasounds. I just finished my second cycle of Clomid and it apparently worked this time.

I know my fertility journey isn't as hard or bad as other people's... but it doesn't mean it wasn't emotionally taxing on me and my husband. I hope people can be happy for me. I want people to be happy that my journey through infertility might be over. I don't want people to think that I'm gloating. I'm not... but I deserve to be happy for something I have longed, cried, and hoped for, for nearly 2 years.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Introducing Baby Olin... ETA November 2011.


I was heavily debating whether to tell anyone or not... but after 2 years of trying I just couldn't hold it in. I have a pretty high chance of miscarrying... but for now I'm going to be happy, hopeful, and relaxed. I have 7 more weeks until I'm through the danger zone... I'm almost half way done! I couldn't not tell anyone... I have all these people thinking about me, hoping for me, praying for me... and I felt that I owed it to them to let them know that all their thinking, hoping, and praying had finally paid off.

Now... the story of my peeing on a stick

I woke up early this morning with the intent to go to the base lab and have them take my blood to see if I was pregnant. I'm not much of a morning person so I was like... well I'll just pee on this stick and maybe be able to go back to sleep for an hour or so before work. So I peed on my little stick and sat it on the counter and walked away. I started getting ready for work and eventually wandered back into the bathroom to brush my teeth. That was when I looked at the test (digital). At first I was in utter shock. I first thought I was going crazy... then I wondered if I was going blind... then I just started bawling like a little baby. I was in hysterics. I immediately called my mom. (lol yeah... I didn't call my husband first). She had to have me repeat myself like 4 times. I think she thought I was dying at first because I sounded like a crazy lady. We talked for a minute then my mom asked me if I had talked to Thayer. lol So then I called my husband. He's so silly... he was like "Congratulations." lol Silly boy... it's your baby too and I know he enjoyed the making. Then I called my dad. He was so happy and I think he teared up a little bit. Then I texted my favorite Beaner friend, Martha. She cried! Oh... I did go to the lab on base and they confirmed :)

So... 7 more weeks...

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

I'm Late, I'm Late, for a very important date!

NO time to say hello. Good-bye. I'm late I'm late I'm late.

Okay... now that I have that out of my system back to business. So I has officially been 2 weeks since I ovulated. What does this mean? It simply means that my period is officially late. Now.. don't go jumping up and down and shouting for joy. In the life of a PCOS'er a late period means absolutely nothing. My periods have been effed up since I was 14. The only time I go more than a few month at a time having a normal cycle is when I'm in birth control. So... now the bigger question is... Am I or Am I not? Tomorrow I'm going to the base lab and having them draw blood. I'm not waiting around... I'm done waiting for answers. I'm not going to pee on a damn stick at home. If I do that I'll just think "Well, maybe it was a false negative, maybe I'm not far enough... blah blah blah." So... off to the clinic I go tomorrow to have them take my blood. I hope all my "symptoms" are due to something. My boobs (actually my nipples to be more exact... sorry if it's TMI) have been KILLING me since I ovulated. Normally, they hurt 3ish days or so after ovulation then they go back to being fine. I've never had breast/nipple pain before my period. Lets see... I've also had some clear discharge from my nipples... dunno what's up with that. My BBT (basal body temperature) has been elevated for at least a week now. This is supposed to be a symptom. Most of these are physical signs and can't be "just in my head." I guess I'll know soon enough. Until then I'll try to cross my fingers and not try to get too excited or sad. I haven't really had any pre-period symptoms... no cramping, PMS, etc. I did start breaking out a little the last couple days... but that can be a symptom of pregnancy and an Aunt Flo visit.

I was going to go to the lab today, but I didn't. I didn't want to be sad so I put it off for another day. I want to be happy these last few months I have in Minot. I don't want to be depressed or upset. I don't want to cry. I don't want to have to, once again, tell my husband that I'm a failure. I mean... if I can't even manage to get pregnant, does that mean I'll be a bad mom? I hate this rollarcoaster. After 2 years, I'm almost sick of trying... but I have to keep going because soon enough we won't have insurance that will cover fertility treatments at all (most insurances don't).

I hate that the lab as 72 hours to notify me of the results. Maybe since I'm getting there first thing in the morning (7:30) I won't have to wait that whole time! Oh... and I'm going to have to lie to the base lab as well because they won't do a test on you unless you're 2 or more weeks late... so I'm just going to pretend I am. Eff them and their bureaucratic bullshit.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Waiting on Aunt Flo

So I was just really bored and decide to re-write the lyrics to the song "Waiting on Joe" by Steve Azar... lol. I just did the first portion of the song... Yeah I'm lame, I know.

We're supposed to starting getting it on in bed today
And the husband... well he's a pretty good lay.
Now I was countin' on him
To get'er done in ten.
A week's pay says he's still hangin low
'Cause the boys in his own time zone.

Now I'm waiting Aunt Flo... Oh whaddya know
Time flies fast and she's slower than a...
I told her over and over: "Now don't you be late." (unless I'm pregnant)
Ah, but like always,
I'm just sittin on go,
And waitin' on Aunt Flo.

My little song revision kinda represents how I'm feeling today. I feel like I'm just waiting on my period to get here. I try to be hopeful, but it's hard. I'm trying to decide if after this month I'll just go ahead and seeing about having surgery or if we should try just one more time... (it sucks that trying once takes a whole month... damn biology!) *sigh* I know I should get it done before Thayer gets out... but it's such a hard decision.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Does 1+1=2.... or does it equal 3?

So there have been a lot of changes or changes that are going to be coming really soon. Thayer is officially getting out of the Air Force. We will be out of Minot no later than May 31st. At first I was freaking out. I was angry, but I was only angry because I was so scared. Our entire life was being turned upside down. In a few short months we wouldn't have jobs, a home, insurance... just to name a few things. I'm so glad I got Thayer to sit down and make a plan with me.

I'm so happy that we are going to be able to move to Missouri. I know for certain that I will never ever live in El Dorado again. That town is too small with too many busy bodies... not to mention that the schools have really gone down the shitter. Looking at their test scores and things... no way I would put my kids in the schools there. lol ok... off my El Dorado kick.

I'm excited for Thayer to start school again. I think he has finally decided 100% for sure on a major. When he was going to DeVry he was majoring in Computer Engineering, but at first glance it didn't look like MSU had a Computer Engineering program, but I did a lot of research and they do. They have a Engineering Physics Degree with and emphasis in Computer Engineering. I know my husband is so smart... though sometimes he lacks common sense. Thayer has been really worried about everything here lately. We talked some today and one of his fears is moving to some place he's never lived before. Minot and Guam are the only two places he has ever lived. Now he's on a new and scary adventure. I reminded him that I was in his shoes once. I moved to Minot after getting married... and only being a couple with him for like 6 months. I took a major leap of faith and everthing worked out fine.

Today is Thayer's birthday. He hasn't been feeling good the last couple of days. He's had some really bad migraines. I think it is because he is stressed. For his birthday, we went out to eat at Happy Panda (not my choice, can't wait to eat real Chinese food back home!). Then we went over to the mall to watch a movie but the line was almost all the way back to Deb's so we said forget it. We then went to Barnes & Noble and he got 2 books (I got 3 books, a cookbook, and a cover for my Nook, lol). We then went to Gamestop where he got a game. I hope his birthday went well. I also got him a rare game of Ebay that I gave him last week.

So, next week (Wednesday) I will be able to test to see if I'm pregnant. Right now I have hope that I am... I'm trying not to... but I still do. I have some symptoms. I just hope that they aren't all in my head. The main symptoms are breast changes (very sore, Montgomery glands appearing, veins becoming more prominent). I guess I'll know soon enough. I hate all of this waiting. It would be kind of bad timing with Thayer getting out of the military, but I'll take whatever I can get. I will be so happy if I am..... OMG... you have no idea.