This is a window into my life.... Infertility, Pregnancy Loss, Marriage, Weight Loss Surgery, and finally... a multiple pregnancy.

Learn more about my Infertility Journey here:
3 years and counting

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Thursday, September 30, 2010

Just Another Day...

So the last few days I have been loaded with homework. It was mostly my own fault because I procrastinated for entirely too long. I got it all done and submitted on time. So far I have a 4.0 in Grad school so I'm very proud of myself.

The weekend I have some things going on. Saturday I'm going shopping with Martha and Cristina and out to breakfast/lunch.

I'm currently reading a really awesome book called The Book Thief. It's set during WWII and takes a unique look at the situation between the Jews and Nazis. I definitely recommend it to everyone. It's technically a YA novel, but it is a book that everyone can get into and find something they relate to.

Thayer and I's anniversary is coming up. It's been an interesting 2 years, but I don't think I would change any of it. I love him, and at times I don't think that he even realizes how much I love and care about him.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Blah Blah Blah - Random stuff

This is going to be a blog of random tidbits.

1. I found out that Tricare covers IUIs... so that's good. Those are normally around 5k or more each. They didn't use to. When I first started looking at my options and what was covered by our insurance they only covered a portion of it (aka the medications). I'm glad they cover it all now. They also cover a portion of IVF. IVF on average is 10-15k. If it's done at a military training facility then they cover more because you're their guinea pig to learn how to do it.

2. I went on a really long walk with Martha, Kenobi, and Kaia tonight. The mosquitos are still awful! Why won't they just die already!?

3. Things are getting better with the Provera situation. I'm not cramping as bad and only need medicine a couple times a day instead of every 6 hours or so.

4. Thayer and I had a bit of a disagreement tonight. We're just butting heads about some things that we don't even know will happen. I just want to wait and cross those bridges when we get there.

5. I've been starting to think about the holidays. This time of the year always seems more lonely to me because I don't have family around. I'm so used to all the get togethers and big dinners. I hate cooking a big Thanksgiving dinner for just Thayer and I. Maybe I should see if some other couples want to have a family Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner with us. Is that what military families do? I don't even know. Last year we just had some random meal. Thanksgiving and Christmas were pretty just like any other day. I miss the special feelings. I feel bad that I'm not there to watch my one and only nephew on Christmas morning. I think the hardest time of the year when you're in the military is Nov - Jan (January because of my birthday.) I'll get through it. I always do :)

6. I went up to 1250mg of Metformin today and didn't die or spend the day in the bathroom. I consider this a small victory.

Monday, September 27, 2010

The Ramblings of an Insomniac

So, once again I'm up. It's the middle of the night, I'm dead tired, but I can't sleep. I have this thing where my mind just goes and goes and goes and goes... and it won't stop or shut up long enough for me to lay down and fall asleep. I think about the most random and at times, mundane crap imaginable. I'm not sure what to do. I've tried re-adjusting my sleep schedule. I've tried taking my medicine at different times. I've tried taking tylenol to help me relax. I'm just not sure what to do next. Both dogs are sleeping soundly.

Thayer had to leave to dispatch very early today. I know he'll come home tomorrow tired and grumpy after working all day out in the field. I at least hope the weather is nice again. He'll be even more grumpy if he gets rained on. I don't know what time he'll be home tomorrow. Days like that are rough because he wants dinner when he gets home, but I never know when that will be.

See... now I'm rambling about random crap that's popping in my head at 2:09am.

I've been watching Netflix all weekend, mostly season 6 of Grey's Anatomy because I missed most of it and was pretty lost when the new season started up.

Kaia has been a pretty good girl this weekend and Myst is always a good girl. I bought here a little mini staircase so she can use it to get up and down from the couch and the bed. I don't want her jumping off anything and hurting her knee again. Plus, she is getting older. She turned 6 in May. Kaia's first birthday is coming up in November. She's calming down a lot. I noticed a big difference in her after we got her fixed. She's just incredibly stubborn, but that's typical of a northern breed. She does have a really good disposition though, and I was intentionally rough with her to get her used to things that kids might do to her like pull her ears and tail, poke her, etc. Everyone tells me how beautiful she is. Kaia is the beautiful one and Myst is the one that is just cute as a button. I really oughta enter them in the "cute pet" contest at the vet on base. The prize isn't much, but might be worth a shot.

I had a rough weekend with all the horrible cramping. It seems like it has eased off in all regards. Hopefully it will be over in the next couple of days. I hurt like hell so I just kept putting off my homework. I will be swamped the next couple of days with it, but it gave me time to relax while my body was going crazy.

Ok, I'm done rambling now. Have a good night (morning)!

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Infertility is not for the weak!

** Disclaimer: some of this may be TMI **

So, I have decided that this whole getting pregnant thing, I'm going through way more hell than Thayer. Because of my PCOS, I'm going through significant emotional and physical stress.

Physically, there are the medications. The first one I was placed on was Metformin. It all began fine, then they ramped me up to 1500mg a day. This made me ill. I was nauseaous and had the poops... so they reduced it down to 1250mg. I did better on this, still had the poops, but the nausea was gone. I stayed on this for months and months. I literally had the diarrhea for like 8+ months. Then about April I gave up. Before we could progress any further in our fertility treatments, Thayer needed to go in and make a donation of his "little soldiers." He kept procrastinating and finding excuses as to why he couldn't accomplish this. I think 1. that he was scared that there might really be something wrong with him and 2. that he didn't want to believe that we were having trouble starting a family. It was a hard pill for him to swallow. It seemed like it took me forever to get him on the same page as me. He kept saying that he wanted to start a family, to have a baby, but I couldn't get him to commit to going in and having his analysis run. So after months of having the poops I decided to say fuck it. Why should I have to endure that if he's not willing to jerk off in a damn cup? My periods were already starting to be jacked up, and after going off the Metformin, they became really jacked up. Thayer did finally go in and do his business. He came back 100% okay, just as I predicted.

The second medication is Provera. Provera is the devil... again I say... Provera is the DEVIL! Provera is bascially hormones (Progesterone) that helps to regulate your period. You take it, and then a couple days after your last pill you are supposed to start your period. The doctor put me on this because I had been on my period for about 3 weeks - Yes, this means bleeding for almost 3 weeks straight. While on the Provera it stopped and then when I went off it, the next day good ole Aunt Flo came back... and that bitch came back with a VENGENCE! OMG, I normally have cramping but a Provera induced period is something that you can't really comprehend unless you have been there. At times I can literally feel contractions, that's how hard I cramp. It's brutal and I have a REALLY high threshold for pain (I walked on a broken foot like 3 days after I broke it because we didn't know it was broke). Last night, I was hurting so bad even after taking 800mg of Ibprophen and laying on a head pad that I was in tears.

There are numerous other aspects of physical hell that come along with PCOS, but that is for another blog.

After you get past the physical torment, there is still the emotional torment. I'm just going to provide you with a few examples:

1. Feeling like a failure - You feel like a failure to just about everyone. The first person, your husband. Sure, he loves you, but you can't give him a family and can't be sure that he will ever be able to have a child of his very own. You feel like you're letting him down and depriving him of something. You also feel like you're letting your parents down. You want so bad for them to have another grandbaby, someone else for them to love and dote on, but your body just isn't letting you have it. Lastly, you feel like a failure at being a women. I mean, originally what were women put on this earth to do? "Be fruitful, and multiply." Well... infertility kinda take me outta that "multiplying" equation.

2. Feeling in adequate - You feel like you're inadequate, that somehow you are less of a women because you cannot have children.

3. Feeling bitter and jealous - You constantly feel bitter and jealous. Bitter because you can't have a child (at least not right now) and people that don't deserve one can. By don't deserve one I mean people who will abuse their children, or expectant mothers who take drugs or drink alcohol. Then when you get past the bitterness there is the jealousy. You're jealous of women that have children and take what they have for granted. You're jealous of women who are pregnant just because they're pregnant and they have what you want. (I know it sounds petty, but it's true.)

4. You can't watch TLC without being pissed off or crying your eyes out - You can't stand to watch all those damn baby shows because all you can think about is "Damn it, why can't that be me??!?" Then you go back to being angry and bitter!

5. Frustration - You feel frustration on many levels... Level 1: "Why won't they damn test just so 2 pink lines already." Level 2: "Why the hell can't people understand what I'm going through?" Level 3: "Fuck Everyone!" lol No but really, a lot of frustration is involved. Your frustrated with yourself because you're "broken." Your frustrated because your life isn't going how you planned. You're frustrated because people don't understand and a lot of them don't even try to understand. You're frustrated with people telling you to "relax" or to "not stress" or that "it will happen when it's meant to happen" or "get drunk, everyone gets pregnant when they're drunk." None of these little gems of advice is going to make my jacked up ovaries magically pop out an egg. Believe me, if getting drunk and being a drunken bitch every single day for the next month could ensure that I got knocked, you can bet your sweet ass that I would be a drunken bitch every single day.

I could go on and on and on... but I hope those of you that care (or even those of you that don't) can understand me and my disease a little better. Also, if you ever have any questions, feel free to ask. I'll tell you all about my jacked up ovaries and hormonal imbalances!

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

DONE D---O---N---E

I'm done, I've had it. I'm sick of being nice only to be attacked and stabbed in the back. I'm sick of people talking about me behind my back when I've done absolutely nothing to them. I'm sick of people being so unbelieveably unsupportive of me and my struggle with infertility, especially those that have been there them fucking selves. I guess they forgot what it felt like to try every month when their period started and what it feels like to be a fucking failure because you can't start a family. I guess they forgot what it fucking feels like to have other people rub their kids in your face. I'm done trying to be friends with people I'm done being nice. I'm just going to be a bitch. Fuck y'all and good fucking night.

Mum's the word

So there are a lot of things I want to get off my chest, but I know that I would step on people's toes so I won't. I'm frustrated, pissed off, irritated, disgruntled. I'm sick of fake people and even sicker of stupid people. I guess I'm not a very likeable person. I try hard, I really do. I'm just quiet until you get to know me. I always have been. I have trouble opening up and letting people in because I've been burned too many times in the past. I'm just me and you can take me or leave me. I'm sick of trying and putting myself out there only to be hurt time and time again. I just want to curl back up and stop trying. I'm sick of people acting childish and expecting to get away with it. I'm tired of being the nice one and the one that always has to try and patch things up. I'm sick of always having to be the bigger person. Why can't someone else put on their big girl panties? I try not to care, but I do... deep down I do care, but I'm not willing to conceed yet. You were the one in the wrong and you continue to be in the wrong... so keep going ahead and spreading your rumors and glaring. Karma is a bitch and eventually you will get what is coming to you.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Military Wives... Where do you belong?

Categories of military wives… as explained by the non-fiction book Army Wives by Tanya Biank.

1. The shit stirrers – The gossipers. The wives who lives seemed so shallow and silly; they never volunteered for anything. They never cooked a hot dog or washed a car, but they never stopped talking crap about somebody or something. These women just didn’t have enough to occupy their days.
2. The drama queens – The wives who embellish their sagas for the sake of attention.
3. The whiners – The wives who always have something to bitch about. These women are so absorbed in their own woes they never stopped to think that all the wives were in the same fix. Didn’t the whiners know that sergeant so-and-so was an equal-opportunity annoyer, and that chances were good their husbands weren’t the only ones getting shit upon? There was no assuaging a whiner. The whiner’s trademark is “my husband.”
4. The rank puller – Wives who loved to wear their husband’s rank, as if they too, had taken an oath to defend the Constitution.
5. The ass kissers – Wives who are usually married to ass kissing men, and as an ass-kissing couple they would smooch the hide of anyone who might get them ahead.
6. The shining happy people – The perky, cutesy shining happy people who had perk, cutesy marriages and perky, cutesy kids and always a perky, cutesy story to share.
And finally...
7. The “I’ve-got-my-shit-together-club” – Women who could handle themselves and who had control over their house and children. Women who made the best of it, who were stable and strong.