Double the Fun (pain)...?

So this month I think I ovulated from both sides. There's no real way to confirm it. I didn't take an OPKs this month. Not really sure why. I just didn't feel like peeing on anything for once... lol. I got ovulation pains on the left side on CD 17 an then had a .8 degree temp spike the following morning. This confirms ovulation. The ovulation pains were pretty intense. I ended up taking tylenol to try and bring it down a couple of notches because it felt like someone was stabbing me with and ice pick. Then on CD 18 I started having ovulation pains on the right side. It was the same stabbing feeling. I know it is possible to ovulate more than one egg. That's how we end up with fraternal twins. I suppose only time will tell. I guess that it is a good thing... at least the swimmers have two targets to shoot for. Now the waiting game begins. I'm 2dpo... 12 days to go. Please, please... for the love of cookies and candy... let me get pregnant this month. I could really use a miracle this Christmas.

Thankful for Things

Here is my second installment of things I'm thankful for in my life.

Day 8

I'm thankful for my awesome car. It gets great gas mileage which allows me to go see my family. We bought my car at the beginning of the year and I still absolutely love it. On this last trip it got 29mpg... which is better than 99% of all other vehicles in it's class. It drives and rides great. It has enough room for both of the dogs as well as kids when we finally add them to the mix.

 

Day 9
72 and sunny! Today I am thankful we escaped Minot! It has made a huge difference in my attitude and outlook on life. So happy right now! (Not that I don't miss my friends up there though). While I was enjoying some beautiful weather it was snowing and blowing up in Minot. The winters there and other aspects always seems to make my moods feel sullen and dreary for majority of the year. I always seemed to be in a funk that I just couldn't shake. Things have been a lot different since we moved. I'm generally a lot more happy. Thayer and I bicker less. I'm able to see my family as often as I want. There is a lot more to do if I choose to do it. I've gotten to see all my old friends and spend time with them. I'm so happy that we left Minot. This doesn't, however, mean that I don't miss the friends and 2nd family that I made up there. Hell, I've even seriously thought about visiting sometime in the future just to see them.

Day 10
Today I am thankful for awesome friends. Some I've had for over 2 decades and some are new. Some are close and some are half a country away. All of the are special in their own way and I love them. I know I always have someone to call when life gets me down.

 

Day 11

First, today I am thankful for all the men and women, past and present, who have served our country. I am forever in debt to you. This includes my grandpa Mallatt; my dad, and my husband. From my time as a miliary wife I saw first hand how much bullshit men and women in uniform put up with and just how much they sacrifice to make sure we're all safe.

 

Second, I am thankful that I got to know true and unconditionally love of being a mother. Today would have been Baby Hope's 1st birthday if she arrived on her due date. I love her to the moon and back and can't wait to hold her in my arms one glorious day.

Day 12
I was thankful that my bottle of wine was chilled when I got home. lol... not that I'm an alcoholic, but I do enjoy a good glass of Moscato after a rough day. I subbed in a middle school room and some of those kids.... geez.

Day 13
I am thankful that my stomach finally quit being upset. It was a long night. I apparently ate something I shouldn't have, and it sent my stomach reeling for about 3-4 hours.

Day 14

 

Today I'm thankful that I O'd :) Now the waiting begins. Maybe I'll get my Christmas wish this year! I ovulated yesterday (CD17). I confirmed this morning with temperature rise and ovulation pains yesterday. We timed everything pretty good this cycle too... so... here's to hoping I have good news in about 2 weeks.

Days Come and Go

This year will be my second year participating in the Wave of Light for Pregnancy and Infant Loss on October 15th. As many of my readers already know, I lost our first and only baby in 2011 to a miscarriage. It was difficult, and I'm not going to lie, sometimes it's still difficult. We have now been trying for over 3 years to have a successful and healthy pregnancy to no avail. Maybe our time will come this month. I still miss baby Hope every day. I probably will always miss her. As time has passed things have gotten easier, but I still have my moments of sadness. I think about next month would have been baby Hope's first birthday or this would have been baby Hope's first Halloween. It's difficult not to think about things like that. I know I sound like a Debbie Downer, but I miss my baby. I want to be a mother. Either way, I hope you all will join me in participating in the Wave of Hope at 7pm in your time zone. I know I will be lighting a candle and remembering baby Hope tomorrow night.

Maybe this will be our month. I'm pretty sure I ovulated today. I got a positive OPK today and I felt killer ovulation pain (think ice pick stabbing you where your ovary should be). I always have ovulation pain, but it gets really bad when I'm on Clomid. I will tomorrow morning if I really have ovulated or not because I will see if my temp rise has happened yet. Either way, we have the BDing bases covered.

Tuesday is also Thayer and I's anniversary. We will have been married for four years. Sometimes it feels like it has been forever and other times it feels like we haven't really been together that long. I think we're just going out to dinner on Tuesday night after I get done with Parent/Teacher conferences. We already got out anniversary present. We bought a Keurig that we have been using the crap out of. I absolutely love it. I make tea, cider, hot cocoa, and yes, coffee in it! Best investment I have made since getting my Dyson.

Next weekend we are going home for a visit and to have family pictures done. I'm looking forward to seeing my parents and (some) of my family. We haven't been back since August, which really isn't that long seeing as we used to go a whole year without seeing them back when we were stationed in Minot.

This week is also going to be difficult and sad. It is my last week at my internship. It is going to be so hard to say goodbye to the kids I've been working with this year. There are some that I've grown really attached to and that have grown really attached to me as well. One little guy I work with for almost 2 hours a day one-on-one. He is very worried about me leaving and keeps asking me to stay. I really wish I could. If we could afford it I would stay for the whole semester, but the truth is I really need to get a job. I am now waiting on my Praxis results (Teaching Certification Test). They should be here no later than the first week of November. I took the test last Friday and the results take up to around 3 weeks to get. I'm pretty sure I passed it, but there is still all this anxiety that comes along with taking a test that will determine your employability. I've been applying for a few jobs that I've seen open in the local area. There was one teaching job and there have been a few paraprofessional jobs. I'm going to call on Tuesday to make sure the school that had the teaching job open received my application. I'm crossing my fingers that I will at least get an interview. In some ways, I know it is kind of a long shot of me getting the job because I don't technically graduate until December, but once my Praxis results come back and are processed by DESE (Missouri Department of Elementary and Secondary Education) I will be certified to teach Special Education even though I don't have my degree yet.

On yet another exciting note, I have booked my boudoir photosession. I can't wait! I'm so excited. I have some awesome, sexy outfits to wear and got an awesome pair of stilleto heels to rock. The photoshoot is going to be at an old historic bed and breakfast that has different theme rooms all decorated in a Victorian style. It is going to be amazing. I'm going to get my nails and makeup done. If I'm going to do this, then I'm going to do it right!

1DPO

So I'm pretty sure I ovulated yesterday. I'm not 100% sure though. I never got a positive OPK, but this month I had to switch brands and learned that the ones I bought aren't as sensitive as the ones I was using before. I did have a temp rise this morning, but I also got up later than I usually do. Yesterday was CD18 so it would have been pretty typical of me to ovulate then. I usually ovulate around CD17-18. I don't know if Clomid made a difference this month. We did baby dance pretty much perfectly (1 day before and the day of ovulation). This month I used SoftCups again. I also have been taking B12 to help with my lining. I've also been taking my iron and multi-vitamins/prenatals. We couldn't have done things any more perfect. I know even with everything timed correctly there is only a 20-25% chance that we will get pregnant. I just wish it would happen already. I know I should be happy that I'm finally ovulating on my own. There are plenty of women out there that aren't that lucky. One of these days it will finally be my turn. I just wish that day would hurry up and get here already.

I really need something to finally work in my favor. I really need to get pregnant this go around or next month so I'll be ready for teaching jobs come next spring. I know it sounds ridiculous to be planning that far ahead, but I have to think about the future. I can't put my life on hold anymore waiting and hoping to be a mother. I just have to keep plugging away and know it will happen when it happens.

T-Minus...

CD 18... Ovulated today. T-minus 14 days until we might have liftoff (aka. I can pee on a stick and see if I'm pregnant). This was an unmedicated cycle so we shall see. We did plenty of BD so *fingers crossed* that we get a BFP. I'm not holding my breath, and I certainly wouldn't place any money on seeing a positive pregnancy test in 2 weeks, but eh.. I guess I can hope a little. Our next cycle will be medicated so there's always that in the future if this cycle is a bust. I had some mighty bad ovulation pains this cycle. My temp is up and my progesterone has started to rise. I know this because my "girls" are really sore. So.. the countdown has begun. I'm tempted to look and see what my due date might be if we get pregnant this cycle, but then again that seems like such a naive move to make. Something a beginner in the world of TTC would do. I'm no stranger to let down, so....

Tinkle Tinkle in a Cup...

**Disclaimer: This blog involves a great deal of talk about bodily fluids. If this grosses you out or makes you uncomfortable please do not continue to read.

So... the life of an infertile involves lots of peeing in or on things. It begins with OPK (ovulation predictor kits). I usually use about 7 of these a cycle. I start peeing on them one CD 12 until I ovulate. That's a whole lot of peeing in a cup. I buy the cheap ones in bulk on the internet and you have to dip them in rather than peeing directly on them.

Then after ovulation begins the wait. This is known as the Luteal Phase. In most women it is 14 days long... hence the reason it is called a 2 week wait. After the completion of the two week wait infertiles start peeing on things again. This time they are pregnancy tests. They are hoping (usually in vain) that this month will be different and the test will show two beautiful lines.

Currently I am 9 days past ovulation. I have 5 days to wait until I start peeing on things again. I usually wait until my period is at least one day late. Most of the time, however, my period shows up and I don't even have to bother with testing... or there are times when my body does a complete mind f*ck and decides to make my periods a few days late. Then I'm peeing on a stick every day hoping for a different result (isn't that the definition of crazy?) even though my mind/body is just playing a joke. My period always shows up and Aunt Flow (AF) is always like "GOTCHA!!!! BWAHAHAHAHA!" Yeah.. not cool...

So every month I pee on something at least 7 days a month... that is one quarter of a month peeing in a cup and dipping a stick in hoping that one day I will become a mother. Fun times.

Symptoms this month so far (not that it really means anything...): Acne starting to get bad at 8dpo, slight cramping/stretching feeling starting 8dpo. Second temperature rise 8dpo (99.2 instead of my normal 98.6 after ovulation... before ovulation I'm usually 98.0), boob tenderness until 2dpo then it went away, began again 9dpo.

What did you do today?

Oh... not much. I just hatched an egg. :)

Yep, I ovulated last night (CD15). I had the cramping. Now I can tell my progesterone is on the rise because the boobs are a little tender (not too bad though). I gave up on temping LONG ago. It just didn't work for me. I would rather pee on things instead. I do track my temperature after ovulation though. I watch for it to drop. It always drops the day before my period comes. It's kind of like my little pregnancy test.

Last night I was really craving frozen yogurt too. We drove into Springfield and went to CherryBerry. It was delicious. I had American Apple Pie flavor... mmm SO GOOD! :)

Tonight we have tickets to the midnight showing of The Dark Knight Rises! I'm super excited! I love the Dark Knight series. I'm kinda sad that it is all coming to an end, however.

Lately I've been kind of frustrated with people's ignorance about how their own bodies work. It's really not that hard to google and figure out how long different stages of your cycle should last. The latest was a woman claiming to have nausea, peeing a lot, sore boobs... all of these 5 days after ovulation. I hate to break it to her (and I didn't) but your little fertilized egg wouldn't even implant until usually 7-10 days after ovulation. There is no way that your made up symptoms were signs that you were pregnant. " Implantation occurs on average 9 days after ovulation and fertilization, it can happen as early as 6 days after ovulation until 12 days after ovulation." IT IS CALLED GOOGLE! I know how long each phase of my cycle should be. I know signs that these phases are occuring. Today my boobs hurt... does that mean I'm pregnant? NO.. lol I just ovulated yesterday! Besides, if this woman's hormone levels are high enough to make her nausious they should be high enough to be detected on a pregnancy test. However, that will NOT be happening 5 days after ovulation. lol END VENT about fertility stupidity.

2... 4... 6... 8...

Tomorrow I will probably ovulate!

Today I got an almost positive/positive ovulation test (picture below).

Today is CD15 so ovulation should occur on CD16. This month I'm back to my "good" ovary instead of my lazy ovary. I'm pretty sure that this month will end in disappointment just like every other month, but I guess we shall see. At least I'm ovulating all on my own and earlier than I did last month. That is a step in the right direction. I haven't been able to start one the Vitex or Red Clover yet because I'm still waiting on the new shipment that I had to order offline. They should be here before the beginning of my next cycle. I really do think that part of my problem is my uterine lining not being thick enough. Part of that is due to my deficencies from surgery. I'm hoping to boost that up with foods as well as using the Vitex and Red Clover. I know that our "timing" has been good so there has to be some other explanation as to why things aren't "happening." I guess the quality of the eggs I'm producing might also not be the best. About the only way I know to help that would be Clomid, which I know I won't be getting anytime soon. Once again I'm struggling on my own without medical help. Blah.

Late Doesn't Mean Sh!t

In the life and world of a woman with PCOS I have grown accustomed to my periods being... off. When I'm not on birth control they tend to get irregular. Of course I naively thought losing 101 pounds would drastically help in this area, but that does not appear to be the case. Today is CD30 so I am officially late, but like I've mentioned before, this doesn't really mean shit to a woman with PCOS. I don't know if or when I ovulated this cycle because it was the lazy ovary's turn to pop out an egg. Tomorrow I might or might not take a test. I already know what it will say. I'm having no pregnancy or AF symptoms. When I was pregnant I thought my boobs were going to fall off they hurt so bad. I haven't had any cramping. Considering the infrequency of the BD, it is not likely that we are pregnant. I just wish something in my life would go right for once.

It is nice going shopping now and being able to shop in the "normal" people section. I still try to migrate to the plus sizes and I have to remind myself that those clothes won't fit me anymore.

Thayer and I have also decided that it is time that we get some updated pictures. We are going to a local photographer in Kansas to get "family" pictures taken on the 13th or 14th. It will me, Thayer, Kaia and Myst. Our little family. I was putting up pictures around our new place and thought... wow I really need some of the "new" me. They photog is having a sale for the month of July so we are going for it.

What is going on!?

So this month I'm uncertain if or even when I might have ovulated. This sucks. A lot. I guess I should be used to it because really it's just the same old shit as always, but I really was hoping things would work out after surgery. It was the month for my "lazy" ovary though. I've always had trouble with the one side producing eggs. This just all really discourages me. I really do feel like I went through all of this for nothing. Deep down I know I shouldn't feel that way, but I do. I KNOW that I will have a healthier pregnancy and life now that I'm not overweight, but that's not the main REASON I went through all of this. Life is just a rollar coaster now. Based on a 29 day long cycle I should get my period next Saturday. I guess we will see if it shows up on time. Maybe based on my period I can estimate back to when I might have ovulated. Yesterday I had some cramping in the ovary area. It was CD21 which is late even for me to ovulate. I guess I will know if my period shows up a week late that, that was when I ovulated. I know not to even bother getting my hopes up this month because there wasn't a whole lot of BD to be had. Between me being so sick and the husband getting sick, it just didn't happen too often. Oh well... I'm not sure if being apathetic is better than being depressed, but I'm starting to turn towards just not caring or trying to pretend I don't care.

No "O" In Sight

Today is CD15 and there is no ovulation in sight. This isn't abnormal to me. I usually ovulate a few days later than "normal." I just hope that it isn't the start of things going downhill. I don't want to worry, but I'm so scared that I'm going to quit cycling and ovulating on my own. I just want to be normal and healthy for once. I want my PCOS to be better. I don't want to struggle anymore. I want my surgery to achieve the results I want (weightloss and helping my PCOS). I just don't know what to think anymore sometimes. I could be worrying about nothing. Only time will tell if my body is working on it's own still. I just have to wait a few more days I suppose. I guess I will also go out and find something to pee on to check my LH levels to see if I am going to ovulate.

Uncertainty... 8dpo

At this point in time I'm really unsure about how to feel. I'm stuck between feeling hopeful, scared (petrified), or preparing myself for disappointment. I really don't know how I should feel. I cried this morning because I just felt so overwhelmed by everything. Let me explain my current state of emotional upheaval.

I ovulated 8 days ago. Yay! My ovaries worked 3 months in a row. I ovulated on CD17 so that was good. I'm currently in the middle of my two week wait, 8dpo. Now be warned... some of the following may be TMI... I woke up yesterday morning with a great deal of cervical mucus. It was white and fairly sticky. I never usually have noticeable CM after a day or two post ovulation. Additionally, it had a tinge of pink color to it a couple of times. My nipples have also become very sore and sensitive. My temperature is still elevated, though it usually drops about 24-48 hours before I start my period. I also had a little cramping followed by a dull ache for about 4-5 hours yesterday morning. At this point, I think you might all know where I'm going with describing all of these symptoms. If you go back to the month I got pregnant in 2011, these are all exactly the same.

Sometimes I'm not sure if my mind starts imagining things because it is something I want so badly. I'm sure how anyone that knows me well could see where I would have a lot of conflicting emotions.

Mostly I'm scared. I'm scared to be hopeful. I'm scared that if I am I will lose the baby again. Things just seem overwhelming. I know we were supposed to wait, but would "oops" really be so bad? I'm trying to just let things happen. I know I won't officially test until after we get moved. I want to wait the full two weeks.

I would also like opinions and advice. Please, please comment. I need to feel good about this one way or another. I know it wouldn't be the best timing. I'm trying to have hope. I'm trying to relax and be optimistic that things will work out for the best either way.

Fierce Ovulation

Boy, my ovaries are kicking my butt this month. It feels like I'm being stabbed repeatedly with an ice pick. No bueno... but I guess I really can't complain since it means they're working all on their own! Thayer and I were off on our timing again this month. I ovulated on CD 17 and it threw me off a little with counting. Oh well... what happens, happens. I'm done planning and trying to figure things out because it always goes wrong anyway. I make plans and something always throws them off. From now on I think I will just wing it. Hell... what more could get messed up? We will know one way or the other around the 3rd unless AF rears her ugly head earlier.

A few days ago I had a little scare and I'm debating whether I should see my doctor or not. I had a hypoglycemic episode. I had all the symptoms around 2am. I went downstairs and ended up drinking some juice and eating a cheese stick and felt better in about 10 minutes. Also, it seems like a lot of times after I eat I get really fatigued and just feel like sleeping. I'm not really sure what is going on. At first I thought I might be low on some vitamins so I started really watching what I was consuming and up-ed the amount of vitamin supplements I was taking, but that doesn't really seem to be helping. I could be anemic or maybe I am having problems with my blood sugars.

It looks like I'm on track to graduate with my Master's in December. Right now it looks like I will be completing it in either Nixa or Republic since Springfield Public Schools are a bunch of jerkfaces. I'm glad that I will be able to finish. It's later than I had planned (thank you USAF), but at least I will have a chance to find a job this spring as a teacher and get everything settled.

I also just got the call that we were approved to rent the house we wanted in Republic. We will be moving in on June 1st. The house is only about 2 years old and is really nice. I'm excited to have a place of my own again and get all my stuff back. It's a 2 bedroom, 2 bath home. That's big enough for Thayer and I.

Operation Ovulation

Well it would appear that my little follicles have decided today is a great day to burst open. I got an almost positive OPK (it was barely lighter than the control line). I'm also getting bad cramping on my left side which is a telltale sign that my ovaries are hard at work. Today is currently CD16. It would seem that my body is getting back on its normal schedule. I'm super happy and excited about this. I'm glad for the painful cramping. I love knowing that my body is working on its own! I cannot even begin to explain exactly how ecstatic I am that this surgery may have gotten me back on track.

I can't wait to be able to start trying for a baby again, though we really don't know when that will happen. I will be finishing up my Master's this fall. This means no full time teaching job for me. It also means we will probably be without insurance for a little bit. Thayer and I will, of course, be responsible adults and wait until we have the means (aka insurance) to take care of the child. Sometimes I hate how responsible we are. I wish we could be like all the little teenagers and irresponsible people who keep having children they can't afford and take care of. Oh well... I guess my tax dollars will continue to pay for other people's mistakes and lack of responsibility.

I do have to say Thayer and I haven't exactly been to cautious this month. Part of me is so sick of waiting and paying for other people's children I just want to say fuck it and do what I want for once. Forget being responsible for once. *sigh* if only life were that simple.

Ovulation, Luteal Phases, and Flow

So this month I went off my birth control to see what was going on with my body as far as my girly parts go. Now I'm even more freaked out than I was before. I'd always had an ovulation issues due to my PCOS. I didn't ovulate correctly on my own and in the past this seemed to be fixed or aleviated through the use of Clomid. I ovulated and conceived on 100mg of Clomid on my second cycle. I think we all know by now how that ended. This month after not putting in my Nuvaring I ovulated on CD12 which is early. Most people ovulate on or around CD 14. I typically ovulated on CD 16-18. Now it seems that my Luteal phase is off as well. There should be a 14 day gap between the day you ovulate and the day your period starts. This allows for implantation of the fertilized egg. Implantation usually occurs between 7-12 days after ovulation. My period started 12 days after ovulation. This is a shortened Luteal Phase. At this point, I'm not sure what all of this means. I don't know if I should be concerned or if it might be a side effect of coming off of my birth control.

What I do know is that I'm freaked out by all of this. I'm scared that I had this surgery and did all of this for no reason. I'm scared that having the surgery just screwed everything up worse than it was before and now I won't just have to deal with not ovulation but a luteal phase defect as well. I'm sure I'm over-reacting and being paranoid, but it's hard not to when this is your dream. I know that I'm healthier over all. I know that 6 months ago I wouldn't be able to participate in an hour long Zumba class 4 days a week or do an hour on the elliptical like I can now. I'm a lot more fit and healthy, so in that aspect I know I made the right decision... but what if really did make things worse for trying to have a family? I guess I will find out this month because I'm staying off my birth control this month as well. Back to counting days and timing things right so we don't get pregnant. I'm currently on CD 4 I should ovulate in about 10 days... I hope things go right/better this month and I will be able to have a little bit of peace of mind. All these waiting games are getting pretty old.

My Ovaries Put on their Big Girl Panties!

It is official. My ovaries put on their big girl panties this month and I ovulated! Yay! The only thing I'm a little confused about is that I ovulated on CD 12. This is earlier than most women ovulate and it is also much earlier than what I used to ovulate before surgery. I always ovulated a little late (CD 16) and the month I got pregnant I ovulated on CD 18 or 19. I'm not sure what this means for the condition of my eggs. Either they were growing like rock stars and popped earlier or they weren't fully mature and popped anyways. I don't really know and it would be impossible to tell at this point. The one thing I am concerned about, however, is if I cut Thayer off in time. Because of my past history of ovulating late I didn't cut him off with consideration of ovulating on CD 12 in mind. We last BD 2 days before I ovulated. This could pose big problems. This would have been fine if I was normal and ovulated on CD14-CD16... but then again when do I ever do anything right? I guess we will see.

I had a ton of ovulation pain this month. For about 16 hours it felt like someone was stabbing me in the right side with an ice pick. My nipples were unbelieveably sensitive and it hurt to wear a bra. Also, I have gotten my temperature spike. It is still elevated and will remain that way until my body gets ready to have it's period. Because of the massive switch of hormones, estrogen and progesterone, that comes with ovulation, I have been very tired. That is the only thing that could explain the extreme amount of fatigue I'm feeling since I'm only 5dpo. I just hope that the bad ovulation pain and the fatigue means my ovaries are working great now. Here's to hoping. I think I'm going to go ahead and stay of BC next month as well and see if things go well for 2 months in a row. If you have any ideas on what CD12 might mean along with other symptoms please leave a comment. I'm always interested in what people have to say about what I'm posting.

O on the horizon

So I'm pretty sure that I'm getting ready to ovulate. I've had lots of my normal symptoms. I've been saying no to the horizontal tango. Can't risk getting pregnant right now so it's better to just say no for a week or so than to try some other method. At least those are my thoughts. I'm super excited that I'm getting ready to ovulate all on my own. I'm not sure if it's because I'm just coming off birth control. I used to ovulate just fine for the first 3-4 months after going off birth control anyways. I hope that this means that my PCOS is a little better.

Some of this may be TMI for some of you so please discontinue reading, if you're not worried then please feel free to keep reading.

Ovulation symptoms:
 - Horribly sore nipples... not boobs, just nipples.
 - Ovulation pain in my right ovary... I never have pain on my left side. It is always just my right. When I was on Clomid my right side always had more mature follicles than my left as well. Maybe this has something to do with it. This time the pain has been for over a day and has been really intense. I hope this is a good sign!
 - Increasingly darker lines on my ovulation predictor kits (OPKs). This always happens, each day they get a little darker until I get a positive.
 - I have not had a temperature spike yet.

Sometimes Changes are Good!

I started my job and I love it. It is so much less stressful than working at the CDC. My teacher is allowing me to do a lot more than other paras are allowed to do because of my educational background. I am just 4 credit hours away from having my MSEd so she lets me do lesson plans for my kids and lets me enter all of their information from progress monitoring into their IEPs. I really like being able to help more than usual and it is great experience for me. I'm really happy with my new job and glad that I only have to work 6.5 hours a day. It makes getting my homework done and focusing on school a lot easier as well.

This month I am also not going to be taking my BC. I'm going to go off it for a couple of months and see how my body does. I'm currently on CD4. My predicted ovulation is on the 28th, but I usually ovulate a few days later than what is predicted. My ususal ovulation date is CD16 instead of the typical CD14. I guess we will see if that has changed as well. I really have to keep on top of my cycle so we don't accidently become pregnant. Wouldn't that be my luck... lol. All along I've been thinking it would be incredibly ironic if I got pregnant while on BC. I hope that everything goes as I hope and that I ovulate on my own. I have no real way of knowing whether I'm producing quality eggs. All I will know is if my cycle is going normal, which will be wonderful news because normally I'm pretty irregular because of my PCOS.

Thayer and I have been going through a little bit of a rough patch. Partly because of me and partly because of him. Sometimes he has absolutely no common sense and it drives me positively crazy. I hate feeling like I'm the mother of a 26 year old man. At times it is ridiculous. It is also funny. He got drunk the other night and he was spouting about how sometimes he takes me and all I do for him for granted and that he is sorry about it. Then he turns around a day or two later and acts like a complete ass.

This last week I have been on spring break from school. It was a nice break, but I know I have a lot of things coming up that will make me more stressed. It's all downhill from here. I have 3 really large final projects that I need to get started on. I really like most of my classes because I've learned a lot, though I don't really care for my two professors. Oh well... you win some, you lose some. The things I'm most happy about is that I have a 100% in all three of my classes. Based on this, it looks like I will be keeping my 4.0 this semester. I will just have 2 more classes to get through. I think it would be pretty amazing to graduate with my MSEd with a 4.0. That will look really good on a resume!

I've started generally looking for places to live down in Springfield. I think we are going to look at some of the outlying areas like Republic. It all depends on what we find though. Thayer really wants to live on the outskirts of town (he's never lived someplace as big as Springfield) or in a suburb. I love how cheap rent is down there and there seem to be plenty of places that will allow pets. Now if we can find a place with a fenced in backyard we will be golden!

March on to March

Looking ahead into March, I know there are a few dates I will have a difficult time with. March 10th will be hard because that is the day I found out I was pregnant with Baby Hope. March 29th will also be difficult. That was the day that our baby went to heaven officially. I don't think about our baby as much anymore. I suppose that is normal. There are still things that get to me and bother me and I suppose that is normal as well. 

I'm thinking about going off my birth control after this cycle is complete. I'm currently on CD5. I am just shy of 6 months post-op. I am down 80 pounds. I want to know if my body is working right again. I NEED to know that my body is working right again. I need to know I did this for a reason other than long term health. I NEED to know that I will be able to get pregnant when we start trying again. Tomorrow is the day I'm supposed to put in my Nuvaring and I will for this month. Then I'm going to take a month or two off of it and see what happens. No we will not be trying to get pregnant. Actually, I will have to closely monitor my cycle to ensure that, that does not happen. I'm sure some people won't agree with me and will think I'm stupid for even possibly risking getting pregnant. By now I know my body. I can feel when I ovulate. I will take my temps and use OPKs. It's not hard to make sure we don't have sex on a few certain days of the month. I want to know that I'm ovulating on my own again. I want to make sure my periods will come on their own. I know some of it will be residual from being on BC for the last 6ish months... but I need to know. 

I Raped My Husband... bwahahaha

So today is cycle day 17. I ovulated today. Got an almost positive on the OPK, but I felt it in my side that I did ovulate. That's the one nice thing about feeling like I got stabbed with an ice pick. I know exactly when I ovulate or if I ovulate each month. But really... it does hurt.  lol Thayer claims (jokingly) that I raped him and emotionally scarred him because I (semi) made him have sex today. I mean, unless I was on top it isn't rape right? Not like I had to tie him to the bed! Sorry if all this is TMI... oh well... a lot of my blogs are.

So, now the waiting begins. We will know in approximately 14 days if I am pregnant this cycle. If I am not, then I go through with gastric bypass on Sept. 7th. I'm starting to get a little more freaked out about it. I had to write a living will. That was kinda scary.

Thayer's not sure he wants me to get pregnant, which kind of hurt my feelings... a lot. He said he wished we weren't even trying (though a month ago he was completely on board). He is scared that if I get pregnant again that we will lose another baby. Don't get me wrong, I'm unbelieveably scared about that scenario as well. He says he doesn't want to put our relationship through that stress if we don't have to. He knows the odds are definitely more in our favor of having a successful pregnancy after surgery. I just wish he could understand my feelings of wanting to give it one last try before having to give up trying for 18 months. I wish he could understand how hard it is and heartbreaking it is every time someone else announces that they are pregnant. We should be parents already, but here we are. I'm taking medicines that make me sick and potentially having a life altering surgery just in HOPES of becoming parents. I mean, what if the surgery doesn't help. What if my PCOS is just as bad? That could happen. There are no guarantees. I just wish I could get something right for once. I just want to do what is best for myself, my husband, my future children... etc. I just don't know what that is at this point. I was probably being selfish trying this one last month to get pregnant. Okay... fine... I was selfish... but after over 2 years of trying I think I deserve to do one thing that I want.

Okay... onto other things in the world of Mary. I have a job interview Monday afternoon that I'm super excited about. I really really hope that I get it because I'm so sick of working at the Child Development Center here on the AF base. This new job will allow me to work with kids with special needs. That's something I'm passionate about. I'm also officially 3 classes away from completing my Master's in Special Education. If I get this new job I will probably postpone finishing school and graduation until December 2012... but if I don't get the job I will quit at the CDC (if possible) in January so I can complete my internship (aka student teaching). If I do this, then I will graduate in May 2012. Lots of possibilities on the horizon for me. I'm almost through all of the hoops to get both my Missouri state and North Dakota state teaching certificate.