I started my meds last night and so far so good. I haven't really had any side effects yet, but that doesn't mean I won't over the next few days. If I remember right, the last time I was on it the side effects didn't really start until 3-5 of taking the meds. I hope that, that isn't the case this time because I'll be at my internship on those days and I don't want to be miserable when working with challenging children. I don't know how good my patience will be when I'm feeling under the weather. I'm hoping for the best, however.
I'm really trying to have hope that this will be our month. I'm going to try not to think about it and just try to "relax." lol. Did I seriously just say that? It would be really good timing if I were to get pregnant this time around because I would be due in June and I would be ready to start school and teaching in the fall right away. It would be really bad timing if I were to get pregnant a few months from now and be due in August or September. I'm not sure what school would want to hire me if that were the case. *sigh* Why can't I just be normal?
On a side note (TMI warning), I think the increased vitamins really helped my cycle this month. I had a slightly heavier period. It was spotting for one day, medium flow for 2 days then light flow for 2 days. That's much better than 2 days of spotting, one med. flow, 1 day of spotting like it has been the last couple of months. That just lets me know that my lining is thicker because there is more "flow" being released.
Welcome to the World Orion and Ronin!
Showing posts with label TTC. Show all posts
Showing posts with label TTC. Show all posts
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Sunday, August 26, 2012
The Plan
Today is 9dpo. I plan on testing on Friday to see if this cycle was successful if AF doesn't show up before then. My period is technically supposed to arrive on Thursday. Things have been a little off the last few months with my luteal phase so I'm really not sure if I will make it that long if I'm not pregnant. Last month I started spotting at 10dpo. I really just want my cycles to normalize and I hope that taking all of these vitamins will make a difference and make my cycles better. If this cycle is a bust (which is what I would put money on) then we will start a new cycle.
On CD5-9 I will take 50mg of Clomid. Thayer is really dreading the Clomid. The last few times I was on it I was a complete dragon lady. I'm hoping that it will be better this time because I'm on a lower dosage. I will continue taking all of my vitamins, etc to try to make sure we have the best opportunity to conceive. In addition to my prenatal, I'm also taking a B-Complex to help with my luteal phase and Iron to help with my uterine lining. We will also continue using Softcups to help keep the spermies up where they need to go. I actually kind of really like the Softcups because it makes after baby dancing clean up a lot easier an less messy.
On CD5-9 I will take 50mg of Clomid. Thayer is really dreading the Clomid. The last few times I was on it I was a complete dragon lady. I'm hoping that it will be better this time because I'm on a lower dosage. I will continue taking all of my vitamins, etc to try to make sure we have the best opportunity to conceive. In addition to my prenatal, I'm also taking a B-Complex to help with my luteal phase and Iron to help with my uterine lining. We will also continue using Softcups to help keep the spermies up where they need to go. I actually kind of really like the Softcups because it makes after baby dancing clean up a lot easier an less messy.
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Old Emotions Emerging
Now that we are officially TTC again all my old emotions about infertility are really starting to come out again. It's been hitting me pretty hard the last couple of weeks. I have felt very overwhelmed with everything going on in my life. The rest of 2012 is going to be a very busy time for me, but I'm not putting off my dream any longer.
I wasn't so upset every month when I got my period when I was on BC and when we weren't really trying. It was a nice reprieve from all the stress of being infertile. Yes, I still had pangs of jealousy when people would announce their pregnancies or show of their new babies. Yes, being infertile still hurt, but it was different knowing we weren't even trying. Now all those old emotions are hitting me like a ton of bricks. All the old stress is back and NO I can't relax. There has just been this whole flood of emotions. I feel broken again because now something else is wrong with me. I feel like a failure again when another cycle passes with no positive results. Why me? Why can't this nightmare just be over? I just want to have a family and move on to the next stage of my life. After surgery I had so much hope that it was the answer, that things would be better afterward. Now I've had to come to the blinding conclusion that my life isn't that simply. Apparently, there will always be some loophole I have to jump through to obtain my dreams. I don't know what the next few months will bring. I would really love my doctor to put me back on Clomid, but I don't know if that will happen either. I hate feeling so out of control. That's one of the worst things about infertility, none of it is in your control. I feel so alone in this battle as well.
I wasn't so upset every month when I got my period when I was on BC and when we weren't really trying. It was a nice reprieve from all the stress of being infertile. Yes, I still had pangs of jealousy when people would announce their pregnancies or show of their new babies. Yes, being infertile still hurt, but it was different knowing we weren't even trying. Now all those old emotions are hitting me like a ton of bricks. All the old stress is back and NO I can't relax. There has just been this whole flood of emotions. I feel broken again because now something else is wrong with me. I feel like a failure again when another cycle passes with no positive results. Why me? Why can't this nightmare just be over? I just want to have a family and move on to the next stage of my life. After surgery I had so much hope that it was the answer, that things would be better afterward. Now I've had to come to the blinding conclusion that my life isn't that simply. Apparently, there will always be some loophole I have to jump through to obtain my dreams. I don't know what the next few months will bring. I would really love my doctor to put me back on Clomid, but I don't know if that will happen either. I hate feeling so out of control. That's one of the worst things about infertility, none of it is in your control. I feel so alone in this battle as well.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Nope
Well I'm finally joining the land of the living again. lol I have been going around and around with AT&T for the last 2+ weeks about getting DSL service at our new place. I would just like to say they have the worst customer service I have ever encountered and if we had ANY other choice for internet service we would be switching to them in a heartbeat.
Now, on to other business. I started my period on Saturday, June 2nd. I'm currently on CD11. I don't really have any explanation for last month. I don't know why my progesterone was so high and caused all of the "pregnancy" like symptoms. I will probably never know. At this point, Thayer and I have decided to let whatever happen, happen. We aren't trying, but we aren't preventing either. I guess I'm okay with that. I just get so tired of getting my hopes up for no reason. I'm pretty much sure at this point that it will never be my turn. June 5th was our THREE year trying to conceive anniversary. In our 3 years of trying I know people that have had 2 children and they started trying AFTER we did. Life inherently sucks and is beyond unfair.
Right after moving down here to Missouri, I got really sick and had to go to the ER. It was really scary for me. I thought I had really hurt/damaged my neck. Instead, I found out that I had a really nasty viral infection that affected my muscle coordination, balance, equilibrium, and muscle strength. I'm almost back to my normal self, but at the height of my illness I couldn't even walk to the bathroom by myself. I couldn't hold a water bottle up and drink out of it. I was almost like a stroke patient. It all scared the hell out of me. I was so worried that I would end up stuck that way for the rest of my life. I spent 14 hours up and the ER. I'm so glad that I'm on the mend now. It really put a damper in getting everything in the house set up after the move. There are still boxes in the garage that need to be unpacked, but I'm really just taking it slow and one day at at time. It took nearly 4 days for my fever to break with the infection and I still feel pretty weak and tired at times.
Now, on to other business. I started my period on Saturday, June 2nd. I'm currently on CD11. I don't really have any explanation for last month. I don't know why my progesterone was so high and caused all of the "pregnancy" like symptoms. I will probably never know. At this point, Thayer and I have decided to let whatever happen, happen. We aren't trying, but we aren't preventing either. I guess I'm okay with that. I just get so tired of getting my hopes up for no reason. I'm pretty much sure at this point that it will never be my turn. June 5th was our THREE year trying to conceive anniversary. In our 3 years of trying I know people that have had 2 children and they started trying AFTER we did. Life inherently sucks and is beyond unfair.
Right after moving down here to Missouri, I got really sick and had to go to the ER. It was really scary for me. I thought I had really hurt/damaged my neck. Instead, I found out that I had a really nasty viral infection that affected my muscle coordination, balance, equilibrium, and muscle strength. I'm almost back to my normal self, but at the height of my illness I couldn't even walk to the bathroom by myself. I couldn't hold a water bottle up and drink out of it. I was almost like a stroke patient. It all scared the hell out of me. I was so worried that I would end up stuck that way for the rest of my life. I spent 14 hours up and the ER. I'm so glad that I'm on the mend now. It really put a damper in getting everything in the house set up after the move. There are still boxes in the garage that need to be unpacked, but I'm really just taking it slow and one day at at time. It took nearly 4 days for my fever to break with the infection and I still feel pretty weak and tired at times.
Also, in other news.... I HIT MY WEIGHTLOSS GOAL!!!!!!!!
ADDITIONALLY, I PASSED MY GOAL AND HAVE NOW LOST 100 POUNDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Patience is a Virtue... MY ASS!
So... Good news and bad news. My period is officially late. I'm still having "symptoms" and my temperature is still elevated. Bad news -- BFN on 10 and 11 dpo. I realize that it probably way to early... but I just want to know. I hate all of this waiting. I was thinking about just going in today and getting a blood test, but decided against it. I don't want my doctor to think I'm crazy... even though I really am going crazy. I have no signs of AF starting. I guess that's a good thing. I have also lost like 4 pounds in the last 4-5 days. I was on a plateau before all this started and was loosing inches, not pounds.
I hate that it takes so long to know one way or another. I get hopeful... then I POAS and got sad... hopeful again because symptoms are still there then POAS again and depressed again. This is sooooo nerve wracking. I'm ready to just know one way or another. Sunday I will be 14dpo. If I don't have a positive by Monday then I guess I will see about getting into a doctor down in Missouri.
I know I need to get on the progesterone as soon as I find out I'm pregnant. I'm not going to lose another baby do to the negligence of another doctor. So... maybe I'll have some news but the time we get our internet hooked up on Monday.
On a side note: we are moving tomorrow into our new place. I'm mostly excited about it. I'm going to try not to lift anything too heavy just in case. Thayer is also cut off from sex because having sex in your first trimester can cause uterine contractions and make it more possible for a miscarriage. I'm not taking any chances. He has two hands anyways :)
I hate that it takes so long to know one way or another. I get hopeful... then I POAS and got sad... hopeful again because symptoms are still there then POAS again and depressed again. This is sooooo nerve wracking. I'm ready to just know one way or another. Sunday I will be 14dpo. If I don't have a positive by Monday then I guess I will see about getting into a doctor down in Missouri.
I know I need to get on the progesterone as soon as I find out I'm pregnant. I'm not going to lose another baby do to the negligence of another doctor. So... maybe I'll have some news but the time we get our internet hooked up on Monday.
On a side note: we are moving tomorrow into our new place. I'm mostly excited about it. I'm going to try not to lift anything too heavy just in case. Thayer is also cut off from sex because having sex in your first trimester can cause uterine contractions and make it more possible for a miscarriage. I'm not taking any chances. He has two hands anyways :)
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Chaos Reigns!
So I have completed yet another semester of Grad school. I officially have one semester left. Unless I really bomb my finally projects I will still keep my 4.0. I already have my final grade in my Intro to ASD class and I got a 100% :) I earned 210/210 points for the class! :) I'm super happy about that considering everything that went on this semester. The entire time I've been in school things just seem like they are trying to throw me for a loop. A lot of chaos has happened while I've been working on my Master's, but I have still managed to keep a 4.0 GPA. Last spring it was the pregnancy and miscarriage and this spring it was moving half way across the country and Thayer getting out of the military. It's been a crazy couple of years to say the least.
I can't wait to graduate in December. I'm still working on getting my internship set up down in Springfield, but I have faith that it will all work out in the end. I'm going to call the director of special edcuation at the Springfield Public Schools in the next couple of days to make sure that they received all of my information. I'm doing everything I can to try and set this up. It's not fun having to do all this on my own. It was much easier when they set it up for me when I was working on my Bachelor's degree.
I've also started seriously house hunting down in Springfield. I'm ready to have my own house again and have my stuff! I'm finding some good deals down there. I hope that we can find a place we really love so we won't have to move again until Thayer is out of school! I want to settle down in a place for a while. Since I graduated from high school it seems like the only thing I've done is move. I'm ready to be some place for a while. Springfield may not be our pernament home. That really depends on where Thayer can get a job in his field, but I'm hopeful that we will be able to find a good place to live and raise a family after he is done with school. I'm excited about how cheap rent is!
I've really been thinking about and trying to decide when Thayer and I should start trying for a baby again. I'm really torn and unsure about what we should do. My heart and head are saying two very different things and I know know which one is right and which one I should trust. I guess I will just have to wait and figure things out as I go along and decide what will be best as things come up because everytime I try to make a plan things get really messed up.
I can't wait to graduate in December. I'm still working on getting my internship set up down in Springfield, but I have faith that it will all work out in the end. I'm going to call the director of special edcuation at the Springfield Public Schools in the next couple of days to make sure that they received all of my information. I'm doing everything I can to try and set this up. It's not fun having to do all this on my own. It was much easier when they set it up for me when I was working on my Bachelor's degree.
I've also started seriously house hunting down in Springfield. I'm ready to have my own house again and have my stuff! I'm finding some good deals down there. I hope that we can find a place we really love so we won't have to move again until Thayer is out of school! I want to settle down in a place for a while. Since I graduated from high school it seems like the only thing I've done is move. I'm ready to be some place for a while. Springfield may not be our pernament home. That really depends on where Thayer can get a job in his field, but I'm hopeful that we will be able to find a good place to live and raise a family after he is done with school. I'm excited about how cheap rent is!
I've really been thinking about and trying to decide when Thayer and I should start trying for a baby again. I'm really torn and unsure about what we should do. My heart and head are saying two very different things and I know know which one is right and which one I should trust. I guess I will just have to wait and figure things out as I go along and decide what will be best as things come up because everytime I try to make a plan things get really messed up.
Monday, February 20, 2012
March on to March
Looking ahead into March, I know there are a few dates I will have a difficult time with. March 10th will be hard because that is the day I found out I was pregnant with Baby Hope. March 29th will also be difficult. That was the day that our baby went to heaven officially. I don't think about our baby as much anymore. I suppose that is normal. There are still things that get to me and bother me and I suppose that is normal as well.
I'm thinking about going off my birth control after this cycle is complete. I'm currently on CD5. I am just shy of 6 months post-op. I am down 80 pounds. I want to know if my body is working right again. I NEED to know that my body is working right again. I need to know I did this for a reason other than long term health. I NEED to know that I will be able to get pregnant when we start trying again. Tomorrow is the day I'm supposed to put in my Nuvaring and I will for this month. Then I'm going to take a month or two off of it and see what happens. No we will not be trying to get pregnant. Actually, I will have to closely monitor my cycle to ensure that, that does not happen. I'm sure some people won't agree with me and will think I'm stupid for even possibly risking getting pregnant. By now I know my body. I can feel when I ovulate. I will take my temps and use OPKs. It's not hard to make sure we don't have sex on a few certain days of the month. I want to know that I'm ovulating on my own again. I want to make sure my periods will come on their own. I know some of it will be residual from being on BC for the last 6ish months... but I need to know.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Counting Down
There are approximately 210 days until I leave Minot, ND for good. This gives me 210 days to get my teaching profile completed including letters of recommendation and my official Missouri Teaching Certificate (I only need fingerprints to complete it). The pressure is really on for me since we know that Thayer will no longer be able to join the Reserves. I must get a teaching job so that we can continue to have insurance. Our insurance through Tricare will lapse 6 months after Thayer gets out. It's a bit nerve wracking. I hate being without insurance. I was spoiled because growing up I always had really great insurance. Then when I was in college for a few years I didn't have any because my dad was laid off from Boeing. Then when he got rehired through Spirit Aerosystems I had it again. I just don't want to have to worry about things. I want to make sure my prescriptions are paid for. I know if I don't get a teaching job, I can always substitute to help make ends meet, but I'm so ready to be a teacher. It's a bummer that I will not be able to finish my Master's degree next semester because the move could come right in the middle my internship. Once the again, the life of a military wife interfers. I am super excited to know that this will be my last winter here in Minot. I'm ready to move on with our lives, no matter how scary that might be. I'm ready for Thayer to go to college and get his degree in Computer Engineering and make some big time $$. I'm ready to be close enough to home where I can drive home on the weekends if I want. I'm ready to start my life as something other than a military wife.
There are approximately 299 days until we can start trying to have a baby again. Yes, I am counting down the days. We tried for over two years to have a successful pregnancy and have no child to show for it. I'm ready to be a mother. I can't wait to be a mother. I've accomplished all my life goals other than to become a mother. What more could a woman want? I have a loving husband, 1 awesome dog, 1 semi-awesome dog, a college education.... the list goes on and on. Yes, I am thankful for what I have, but I know for a fact that I would be a Rock Star Mother! I do have to say it has been nice not having to keep track of my cycles. It has been wonderful not having to have timed sex. It's been nice not having to pee on anything. I don't really like my birth control, but it does it's job. The only difficulty with not TTC has been all the recent pregnancy announcements. Jealousy has reared it's ugly head a few times, okay... more than a few times. Sometimes life just seems so unfair, but I'll get over it.
There are 77 days until my 27th birthday. I'm excited that I will have lost at least 50lbs by then. I'm not, however, excited to be one year closer 30. I always promised myself that I would be done having kids by the time I was 30... doesn't look like that's going to happen. At least I'll be a wise and mature mother who raises her children right!
So that is just a few of the things I'm counting down to :)
There are approximately 299 days until we can start trying to have a baby again. Yes, I am counting down the days. We tried for over two years to have a successful pregnancy and have no child to show for it. I'm ready to be a mother. I can't wait to be a mother. I've accomplished all my life goals other than to become a mother. What more could a woman want? I have a loving husband, 1 awesome dog, 1 semi-awesome dog, a college education.... the list goes on and on. Yes, I am thankful for what I have, but I know for a fact that I would be a Rock Star Mother! I do have to say it has been nice not having to keep track of my cycles. It has been wonderful not having to have timed sex. It's been nice not having to pee on anything. I don't really like my birth control, but it does it's job. The only difficulty with not TTC has been all the recent pregnancy announcements. Jealousy has reared it's ugly head a few times, okay... more than a few times. Sometimes life just seems so unfair, but I'll get over it.
There are 77 days until my 27th birthday. I'm excited that I will have lost at least 50lbs by then. I'm not, however, excited to be one year closer 30. I always promised myself that I would be done having kids by the time I was 30... doesn't look like that's going to happen. At least I'll be a wise and mature mother who raises her children right!
So that is just a few of the things I'm counting down to :)
Friday, September 16, 2011
538 Days
So... 18 months after my surgery... Approximately 538 days from today... Thayer and I can start trying for a baby again. In some ways that seems like forever, especially when you've spent the last 2 1/2ish years trying to conceive and have a healthy baby. In other ways, I know my body is going through a stressful time and I know the end result from the surgery will be amazing. I won't have to worry about all the complications (and there are TON) that come with being overweight and pregnant. I won't have to worry about my health as I age. Women who have PCOS are more likely to develope diabetes, especially if they're overweight. Basically I just did something amazing for Thayer and I's future. Some days it is hard to see it that way. Some days I still cry for the baby that should have been born in just a couple of months. I just have to keep looking at the positive right? I just have to keep moving forward. As of this morning I am down about 14lbs. That's.... AWESOME. That is over 10% of what I hoped to lose. I'm going to try... I mean I REALLY need to try and limit myself to only weighing once a week. I just get so excited and it is so much easier to look at the positive of this time off TTC when I see those numbers dropping every day. Over on the right hand side of my blog I'm keeping a ticker of my weightloss as well so I can keep track of my progress!
Surgery and stomach wise things are going better than I honestly thought they would. Today I went to the BX and we bought some items for my mom's visit. She's arriving on the 26th! I got on the elliptical for a few minutes and I also tried some new foods in my new stomach. Today I tried Broccoli, Cheese, and Potato soup, Mac & Cheese, and orange juice. I haven't had a problem eating anything thus far. I'm so ready to have some chicken with some buffalo sauce, but I know that's a long time coming. It will taste soooo amazing when I get there. Oh and I really want a Chicken Ceasar Wrap from Rockers. I just have to keep following my rules. I don't want to mess this up!
Surgery and stomach wise things are going better than I honestly thought they would. Today I went to the BX and we bought some items for my mom's visit. She's arriving on the 26th! I got on the elliptical for a few minutes and I also tried some new foods in my new stomach. Today I tried Broccoli, Cheese, and Potato soup, Mac & Cheese, and orange juice. I haven't had a problem eating anything thus far. I'm so ready to have some chicken with some buffalo sauce, but I know that's a long time coming. It will taste soooo amazing when I get there. Oh and I really want a Chicken Ceasar Wrap from Rockers. I just have to keep following my rules. I don't want to mess this up!
Friday, October 22, 2010
Adventures in Infertility - A New (and Hopeful) Beginning
So my visit to the doctor was actually really great. I found out today that I'm not pregnant. Yes, that was depressing... but not as depressing as I thought it would be. Dr. Billings was awesome. Must more helpful and kind than Dr. Bozeman could ever dream of being. At least now I have a game plan. I'm going to share it... so please don't read if you don't like the following words: period, ovulation, ovary, uterus, vagina... or any other female related words... or if you don't want to know about my reproductive organs and what my plans for them are.
My infertility game plan:
1. I am going in at the beginning of Nov. to have a hysterosalpingography (HSG) ran. In this test they will inject dye into my uterus and do a series of xrays to determine if my uterus is normal shape/size and if my Fallopian tubes are clear and free of scar tissue. The HSG must be ran on the 10th day of my cycle... meaning I have to start my period for it to happen. I was due to start today, but haven't yet. Dr. Billings does not want me to go past the beginning of Nov. without my period. If I don't get it by Nov. 1st I am supposed to call his office and get Provera to bring on my period.
2. If my HSG comes out normal they will do blood work and start me on Clomid.
3. Dr. Billings wanted to do 3 months of Clomid to see how it worked then he would refer me to a Reproductive Endorcinologist (RE) BUT since the RE is going to be in Minot in November (he only comes once every quarter) he went ahead and gave me a referral for a consultation! This made me really really happy... I'm not going to have to wait around forever in order to get things moving. Everything is going to be set up and moving relatively fast.
4. The RE will be able to help me more than just and OB/GYN because, like the name says, they specialize in reproduction.
If any of y'all ever have any questions please let me know... I'm pretty open about this stuff... and the more you know, the more you'll be able to support me as I go through all of this!
My infertility game plan:
1. I am going in at the beginning of Nov. to have a hysterosalpingography (HSG) ran. In this test they will inject dye into my uterus and do a series of xrays to determine if my uterus is normal shape/size and if my Fallopian tubes are clear and free of scar tissue. The HSG must be ran on the 10th day of my cycle... meaning I have to start my period for it to happen. I was due to start today, but haven't yet. Dr. Billings does not want me to go past the beginning of Nov. without my period. If I don't get it by Nov. 1st I am supposed to call his office and get Provera to bring on my period.
2. If my HSG comes out normal they will do blood work and start me on Clomid.
3. Dr. Billings wanted to do 3 months of Clomid to see how it worked then he would refer me to a Reproductive Endorcinologist (RE) BUT since the RE is going to be in Minot in November (he only comes once every quarter) he went ahead and gave me a referral for a consultation! This made me really really happy... I'm not going to have to wait around forever in order to get things moving. Everything is going to be set up and moving relatively fast.
4. The RE will be able to help me more than just and OB/GYN because, like the name says, they specialize in reproduction.
If any of y'all ever have any questions please let me know... I'm pretty open about this stuff... and the more you know, the more you'll be able to support me as I go through all of this!
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
I Can Taste How Bitter I've Become
So tomorrow is the "big" day. I have to admit that it definitely comes with a tirade of mixed emotions. On one hand I want to be hopeful that when I pee in a cup tomorrow and use the little dropper it will tell me that yes, finally I am pregnant. On the other hand I don't want to get hopeful. I know that if I start hoping I'm just going to be a million times more depressed when I find out I'm not.
There are other highs and lows to be had tomorrow. I'm also going back to the OB/GYN for the first time in over a year. I'm going to talk to him about getting more fertility treatments. Right now I'm not really on anything. I know what I would like to happen, but then again, I'm not getting trying to not get hopeful. I know what I want to happen most likely will not happen. So far on the road of getting treatments I've had blood work done and a pap/pelvic. My hubby has had his semen analysis.... I know there are more tests to be run before the doctors up here will give out Clomid. I want to get those done ASAP, especially if Thayer ends up getting deployed. I want to be pregnant before we have to deal with that. Yes, I now being pregnant for our first deployment isn't ideal, but when you've been going through this process... it doesn't really matter when you get prenant it is "if" you get pregnant. I'll take whatever I can get, even if I have to do it alone. I'm prepared for that.
Tomorrow I want to find out what our next step should be. I want to get Clomid ASAP, I want Provera so I can make sure I'm having a period every month. I know what I want... now I just have to go about getting it.
As for the title of this blog... the last few days I've felt really down. Nothing "bad" has happened... no one has made me upset. I'm just dealing with a lot of emotions right now. Honestly it was 100% easier when I knew I wasn't ovulating because then I had no hope at all. Sometimes "hope" drives me crazy, and I know that sounds crazy. It gets really hard when you hope and hope and hope for months on end only to have nothing to show for it. Eventually you start to lose faith in hoping. I've been feeling more and more upset and yes, I will fully admit that I'm bitter. A lot of what I'm bitter about I can't even write about because I don't know whose toes I will step on. I'm bitter because there are women out there that are having babies that 1. don't take care of them/appreciate them 2. that are doing drugs or abusing their children 3. can't afford the kids they have and my money is going to help support them when they just keep popping more and more babies out.... Honestly, I could go on and on about the things I'm "bitter" about... but mostly I'm bitter because so many women have what I want. I want to be a mom... I LONG to be a mother. I know I would be an amazing mother.... but I don't know if I will ever have the opportunity to fulfill that dream.
Tomorrow is another day... and I hope it's sunny... because I don't think I could handle a dreary day. Tomorrow will be rough and I might need a shoulder to cry on.
There are other highs and lows to be had tomorrow. I'm also going back to the OB/GYN for the first time in over a year. I'm going to talk to him about getting more fertility treatments. Right now I'm not really on anything. I know what I would like to happen, but then again, I'm not getting trying to not get hopeful. I know what I want to happen most likely will not happen. So far on the road of getting treatments I've had blood work done and a pap/pelvic. My hubby has had his semen analysis.... I know there are more tests to be run before the doctors up here will give out Clomid. I want to get those done ASAP, especially if Thayer ends up getting deployed. I want to be pregnant before we have to deal with that. Yes, I now being pregnant for our first deployment isn't ideal, but when you've been going through this process... it doesn't really matter when you get prenant it is "if" you get pregnant. I'll take whatever I can get, even if I have to do it alone. I'm prepared for that.
Tomorrow I want to find out what our next step should be. I want to get Clomid ASAP, I want Provera so I can make sure I'm having a period every month. I know what I want... now I just have to go about getting it.
As for the title of this blog... the last few days I've felt really down. Nothing "bad" has happened... no one has made me upset. I'm just dealing with a lot of emotions right now. Honestly it was 100% easier when I knew I wasn't ovulating because then I had no hope at all. Sometimes "hope" drives me crazy, and I know that sounds crazy. It gets really hard when you hope and hope and hope for months on end only to have nothing to show for it. Eventually you start to lose faith in hoping. I've been feeling more and more upset and yes, I will fully admit that I'm bitter. A lot of what I'm bitter about I can't even write about because I don't know whose toes I will step on. I'm bitter because there are women out there that are having babies that 1. don't take care of them/appreciate them 2. that are doing drugs or abusing their children 3. can't afford the kids they have and my money is going to help support them when they just keep popping more and more babies out.... Honestly, I could go on and on about the things I'm "bitter" about... but mostly I'm bitter because so many women have what I want. I want to be a mom... I LONG to be a mother. I know I would be an amazing mother.... but I don't know if I will ever have the opportunity to fulfill that dream.
Tomorrow is another day... and I hope it's sunny... because I don't think I could handle a dreary day. Tomorrow will be rough and I might need a shoulder to cry on.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Faking Myself Out
So... I think that ovulating and knowing it is a double edge sword. Though I don't think we did the deed at the right times to make a baby, there's always that chance with a few hours difference here or there that it could have happened. *sigh* Now that I know I ovulated I keep thinking "what if." I also keep feeling these signs that say I might be pregnant. I know my mind is telling me that my hormones are probably just off and making me feel this way, but my heart is saying "please, please, pretty pretty please?" I won't go into details, but this is so hard. It was almost easier knowing there was no chance. I know this 2 week wait (now less than 2 weeks) is going to be hell... and then when the test comes back negative I'm going to cry and cry and sit at home for a few days wallowing in misery.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Pop-Up Video.... or Life.
So this is just randomness... be prepared!
+++ I finished the novel, The Book Thief. It was pretty awesome. I would definitely recommend it to everyone! It's about a girl who is placed in foster care in Germany during WWII and is told from the Death's point of view. I am now reading Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. It's really quite humerous. I might find it some of it more interesting and funny because I've taught it before.
+++ I went shopping today at the BX and Commissary. I got lots of groceries and some bones for the dogs. Things got a little bit interesting at the BX, but that's all I'll say about that. I also ran into Martha at the BX.
+++ I've started playing World of Warcraft with the husband again. We are playing with some guys from his shop and their girlfriends. It's interesting playing with people that he knows. In that past I've played with strangers who then became friends. It's nice to be back playing again and talking to all my old friends from the game.
+++ I bought pregnancy tests today, just the really cheap ones. I want to make sure I have some on hand when we start back to serious baby making. I probably should have bought a box of Kleenexes or two so that I could use them when I'm crying my eyes out when they come back negative.
+++ I applied for a job at the CDC on base. I've applied in the past but I seem to have trouble getting a job on base because I can't claim "Spouse Preference." I've also applied at the school districts for aid jobs, but I'm told that I'm over-qualified. I just want a job. I'm kinda being picky about where I apply because if Thayer does end up deploying I want to go back home and that will require me to quit the job.
+++ I finished the novel, The Book Thief. It was pretty awesome. I would definitely recommend it to everyone! It's about a girl who is placed in foster care in Germany during WWII and is told from the Death's point of view. I am now reading Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. It's really quite humerous. I might find it some of it more interesting and funny because I've taught it before.
+++ I went shopping today at the BX and Commissary. I got lots of groceries and some bones for the dogs. Things got a little bit interesting at the BX, but that's all I'll say about that. I also ran into Martha at the BX.
+++ I've started playing World of Warcraft with the husband again. We are playing with some guys from his shop and their girlfriends. It's interesting playing with people that he knows. In that past I've played with strangers who then became friends. It's nice to be back playing again and talking to all my old friends from the game.
+++ I bought pregnancy tests today, just the really cheap ones. I want to make sure I have some on hand when we start back to serious baby making. I probably should have bought a box of Kleenexes or two so that I could use them when I'm crying my eyes out when they come back negative.
+++ I applied for a job at the CDC on base. I've applied in the past but I seem to have trouble getting a job on base because I can't claim "Spouse Preference." I've also applied at the school districts for aid jobs, but I'm told that I'm over-qualified. I just want a job. I'm kinda being picky about where I apply because if Thayer does end up deploying I want to go back home and that will require me to quit the job.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Infertility is not for the weak!
** Disclaimer: some of this may be TMI **
So, I have decided that this whole getting pregnant thing, I'm going through way more hell than Thayer. Because of my PCOS, I'm going through significant emotional and physical stress.
Physically, there are the medications. The first one I was placed on was Metformin. It all began fine, then they ramped me up to 1500mg a day. This made me ill. I was nauseaous and had the poops... so they reduced it down to 1250mg. I did better on this, still had the poops, but the nausea was gone. I stayed on this for months and months. I literally had the diarrhea for like 8+ months. Then about April I gave up. Before we could progress any further in our fertility treatments, Thayer needed to go in and make a donation of his "little soldiers." He kept procrastinating and finding excuses as to why he couldn't accomplish this. I think 1. that he was scared that there might really be something wrong with him and 2. that he didn't want to believe that we were having trouble starting a family. It was a hard pill for him to swallow. It seemed like it took me forever to get him on the same page as me. He kept saying that he wanted to start a family, to have a baby, but I couldn't get him to commit to going in and having his analysis run. So after months of having the poops I decided to say fuck it. Why should I have to endure that if he's not willing to jerk off in a damn cup? My periods were already starting to be jacked up, and after going off the Metformin, they became really jacked up. Thayer did finally go in and do his business. He came back 100% okay, just as I predicted.
The second medication is Provera. Provera is the devil... again I say... Provera is the DEVIL! Provera is bascially hormones (Progesterone) that helps to regulate your period. You take it, and then a couple days after your last pill you are supposed to start your period. The doctor put me on this because I had been on my period for about 3 weeks - Yes, this means bleeding for almost 3 weeks straight. While on the Provera it stopped and then when I went off it, the next day good ole Aunt Flo came back... and that bitch came back with a VENGENCE! OMG, I normally have cramping but a Provera induced period is something that you can't really comprehend unless you have been there. At times I can literally feel contractions, that's how hard I cramp. It's brutal and I have a REALLY high threshold for pain (I walked on a broken foot like 3 days after I broke it because we didn't know it was broke). Last night, I was hurting so bad even after taking 800mg of Ibprophen and laying on a head pad that I was in tears.
There are numerous other aspects of physical hell that come along with PCOS, but that is for another blog.
After you get past the physical torment, there is still the emotional torment. I'm just going to provide you with a few examples:
1. Feeling like a failure - You feel like a failure to just about everyone. The first person, your husband. Sure, he loves you, but you can't give him a family and can't be sure that he will ever be able to have a child of his very own. You feel like you're letting him down and depriving him of something. You also feel like you're letting your parents down. You want so bad for them to have another grandbaby, someone else for them to love and dote on, but your body just isn't letting you have it. Lastly, you feel like a failure at being a women. I mean, originally what were women put on this earth to do? "Be fruitful, and multiply." Well... infertility kinda take me outta that "multiplying" equation.
2. Feeling in adequate - You feel like you're inadequate, that somehow you are less of a women because you cannot have children.
3. Feeling bitter and jealous - You constantly feel bitter and jealous. Bitter because you can't have a child (at least not right now) and people that don't deserve one can. By don't deserve one I mean people who will abuse their children, or expectant mothers who take drugs or drink alcohol. Then when you get past the bitterness there is the jealousy. You're jealous of women that have children and take what they have for granted. You're jealous of women who are pregnant just because they're pregnant and they have what you want. (I know it sounds petty, but it's true.)
4. You can't watch TLC without being pissed off or crying your eyes out - You can't stand to watch all those damn baby shows because all you can think about is "Damn it, why can't that be me??!?" Then you go back to being angry and bitter!
5. Frustration - You feel frustration on many levels... Level 1: "Why won't they damn test just so 2 pink lines already." Level 2: "Why the hell can't people understand what I'm going through?" Level 3: "Fuck Everyone!" lol No but really, a lot of frustration is involved. Your frustrated with yourself because you're "broken." Your frustrated because your life isn't going how you planned. You're frustrated because people don't understand and a lot of them don't even try to understand. You're frustrated with people telling you to "relax" or to "not stress" or that "it will happen when it's meant to happen" or "get drunk, everyone gets pregnant when they're drunk." None of these little gems of advice is going to make my jacked up ovaries magically pop out an egg. Believe me, if getting drunk and being a drunken bitch every single day for the next month could ensure that I got knocked, you can bet your sweet ass that I would be a drunken bitch every single day.
I could go on and on and on... but I hope those of you that care (or even those of you that don't) can understand me and my disease a little better. Also, if you ever have any questions, feel free to ask. I'll tell you all about my jacked up ovaries and hormonal imbalances!
So, I have decided that this whole getting pregnant thing, I'm going through way more hell than Thayer. Because of my PCOS, I'm going through significant emotional and physical stress.
Physically, there are the medications. The first one I was placed on was Metformin. It all began fine, then they ramped me up to 1500mg a day. This made me ill. I was nauseaous and had the poops... so they reduced it down to 1250mg. I did better on this, still had the poops, but the nausea was gone. I stayed on this for months and months. I literally had the diarrhea for like 8+ months. Then about April I gave up. Before we could progress any further in our fertility treatments, Thayer needed to go in and make a donation of his "little soldiers." He kept procrastinating and finding excuses as to why he couldn't accomplish this. I think 1. that he was scared that there might really be something wrong with him and 2. that he didn't want to believe that we were having trouble starting a family. It was a hard pill for him to swallow. It seemed like it took me forever to get him on the same page as me. He kept saying that he wanted to start a family, to have a baby, but I couldn't get him to commit to going in and having his analysis run. So after months of having the poops I decided to say fuck it. Why should I have to endure that if he's not willing to jerk off in a damn cup? My periods were already starting to be jacked up, and after going off the Metformin, they became really jacked up. Thayer did finally go in and do his business. He came back 100% okay, just as I predicted.
The second medication is Provera. Provera is the devil... again I say... Provera is the DEVIL! Provera is bascially hormones (Progesterone) that helps to regulate your period. You take it, and then a couple days after your last pill you are supposed to start your period. The doctor put me on this because I had been on my period for about 3 weeks - Yes, this means bleeding for almost 3 weeks straight. While on the Provera it stopped and then when I went off it, the next day good ole Aunt Flo came back... and that bitch came back with a VENGENCE! OMG, I normally have cramping but a Provera induced period is something that you can't really comprehend unless you have been there. At times I can literally feel contractions, that's how hard I cramp. It's brutal and I have a REALLY high threshold for pain (I walked on a broken foot like 3 days after I broke it because we didn't know it was broke). Last night, I was hurting so bad even after taking 800mg of Ibprophen and laying on a head pad that I was in tears.
There are numerous other aspects of physical hell that come along with PCOS, but that is for another blog.
After you get past the physical torment, there is still the emotional torment. I'm just going to provide you with a few examples:
1. Feeling like a failure - You feel like a failure to just about everyone. The first person, your husband. Sure, he loves you, but you can't give him a family and can't be sure that he will ever be able to have a child of his very own. You feel like you're letting him down and depriving him of something. You also feel like you're letting your parents down. You want so bad for them to have another grandbaby, someone else for them to love and dote on, but your body just isn't letting you have it. Lastly, you feel like a failure at being a women. I mean, originally what were women put on this earth to do? "Be fruitful, and multiply." Well... infertility kinda take me outta that "multiplying" equation.
2. Feeling in adequate - You feel like you're inadequate, that somehow you are less of a women because you cannot have children.
3. Feeling bitter and jealous - You constantly feel bitter and jealous. Bitter because you can't have a child (at least not right now) and people that don't deserve one can. By don't deserve one I mean people who will abuse their children, or expectant mothers who take drugs or drink alcohol. Then when you get past the bitterness there is the jealousy. You're jealous of women that have children and take what they have for granted. You're jealous of women who are pregnant just because they're pregnant and they have what you want. (I know it sounds petty, but it's true.)
4. You can't watch TLC without being pissed off or crying your eyes out - You can't stand to watch all those damn baby shows because all you can think about is "Damn it, why can't that be me??!?" Then you go back to being angry and bitter!
5. Frustration - You feel frustration on many levels... Level 1: "Why won't they damn test just so 2 pink lines already." Level 2: "Why the hell can't people understand what I'm going through?" Level 3: "Fuck Everyone!" lol No but really, a lot of frustration is involved. Your frustrated with yourself because you're "broken." Your frustrated because your life isn't going how you planned. You're frustrated because people don't understand and a lot of them don't even try to understand. You're frustrated with people telling you to "relax" or to "not stress" or that "it will happen when it's meant to happen" or "get drunk, everyone gets pregnant when they're drunk." None of these little gems of advice is going to make my jacked up ovaries magically pop out an egg. Believe me, if getting drunk and being a drunken bitch every single day for the next month could ensure that I got knocked, you can bet your sweet ass that I would be a drunken bitch every single day.
I could go on and on and on... but I hope those of you that care (or even those of you that don't) can understand me and my disease a little better. Also, if you ever have any questions, feel free to ask. I'll tell you all about my jacked up ovaries and hormonal imbalances!
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