Long time no write..

Truth be told, writing this blog right now is the LAST thing I should be doing. I still have to finish up next weeks lesson plan. I need to write out my sub plans for Tuesday because I'll be gone that day... There's just a million and one things I should be doing instead, but I thought I would take a couple of minutes to update y'all on the dynamic duo because they are napping.

They are almost 8 months old (6 months adjusted). Can you believe that?!? OMG!! It seems like just yesterday I was trying to get Ronin to move out of my ribs and I was waddling like a penguin!

Both of them are healthy and growing, which is the most important thing. We went to the cardiologist last week to have a recheck for Ronin. He still has one hole in his heart, but one of them has healed. He goes back in a year for a recheck. The doctor still thinks it is likely that the hole will heal on it's own, but if it doesn't then it won't hold Ronin back at all. The Cardio told us that he has sent kids to college on full athletic scholarships with holes in their heart bigger than Ronin's.

At the Cardiologist Ronin weighed 13lbs 9oz. I know that Orion is topping 16lbs now. They both go back to their pediatrician on Tuesday for a weight check. They are both FINALLY on the normal growth chart. Ronin is on it for height and head circumference (not weight) and Orion is on it for everything. Both boys are very tall for their adjusted age. Here soon we will have to transition them to their convertible car seats. Both have started on solid food. They are doing really good. So far Orion is a more picky eater than Ronin. Their personalities are so vastly different!

Being a special education teacher and a mom is exhausting. I go 100 miles an hour all the time. I'm constantly in motion. I could really use a girls' night out... even if it's just going over to someone's house and us having girl talk over some cheese and wine. The kids could even be around... I just want some adult interaction.

It doesn't look like we will be moving into our house until April 1st. Boo. I'm ready for my own space and I'm sure my mom and dad are ready to have us out of their hair. I'm ready to have my stuff back and sleep in my own bed. I'm ready for the boys to have their cribs and get back to "normal."

I've decided NOT to teach summer school. Yes, the money would be nice, but after last summer and the chaos it was, I think I just want a darn break. By golly... I've EARNED IT!!!

22 weeks and growing

22 weeks

8 weeks

15 weeks

Belly Progression -- 7 weeks at a time!

Baby A (the big one) is now officially Orion Rey, and Baby B (our little bug) is now Ronin Lee. We were going to wait until they were born... but we decided Orion was a more fitting name for a chunker baby :)

I've decided to be POSITIVE! After doing a great deal of research I've found that if I can get these little babies to 27 weeks they would each have a 90% survival rate! Each week after that would be a bonus clear up to 32 weeks which would be the ultimate goal. We can do it babies! I still feel pretty helpless and guilty (though I know there's nothing I can/could do to make things better or different). That's my own burden to work out within myself.

Today I had a big interview at work for a teaching job. I really hope I get it. I really deserve some good news right about now. I did my best especially considering the type of day I had on Monday. I also had to talk to them about going in for weekly ultrasounds. The principal was super supportive. His wife even had the same OB and MFM as me with their first child. He told me not to worry about anything because that was the least of my concerns at the moment and to not stress. He said I know that it's hard not to stress but we'll take care of it. It's nice to have such a wonderful and supportive administration in the building I work in. I do hate feeling like a burden on them though. I know I shouldn't feel guilty because I'm only doing what is best for my boys, but I know the kids at work need me too. They need the consistency of me being there and helping them.

Other than Ronin being small, both were healthy and had good heart beats. Their amniotic fluid was good as were their hearts and other organs (bladder, kidneys). I guess I can take that as a small victory.

15 week bumpdate!

Today marks 15 weeks! Not a whole lot new to report. Energy is still good, especially in the mornings. It definitely starts tapering off in the afternoon. I know they're definitely growing in there because I'm just getting bigger and bigger. Even week to week there is a noticeable difference. I had NO morning sickness this week (please don't be jinxing myself!!). I've also been feeling more and more flutters. Tonight after dinner I felt it a few times. I can't wait until Thayer can feel it too. I'm still down 4 pounds from the day I found out I was pregnant. I haven't gained any weight at all. It worries me, but I know they are growing and they're healthy and strong and that is the most important thing.

This weekend I was stretched out on the couch checking out my belly and looking at it, the left side was raised up about an inch higher than the right. I had Thayer come and check it out. Then I started wiggling and pushing on it and he freaked. He's scared that I'm going to hurt them when I do this (cause brain damage or something). I tried to explain to him they are in a big old bag of protective "water" and the only thing that would hurt them would be be a significant trauma like getting punched in the stomach or being in a car accident with the seat belt. I don't think it worked very well or eased his mind much. It's kinda cute/endearing... and a little annoying. I mean it is, after all, my body! lol

I spilled the beans at work last week. The principal was happy for me as was the teacher I'm working with. That made me feel better. It seemed legitimate as well, not like they were faking it. I haven't clued them in on the twin thing yet, that's coming on Wednesday. I thought I would ease them into the idea. *sigh* I feel kinda yucky about hiding things, but I wasn't sure what else to do.

I do have an interview for 2 different teaching jobs on Wednesday. I hope they go well. I will feel really bad for having to leave the job I just took, but a teaching job pays so much more and it's what I really want to do with my life. I'm just too good of a person at times I think. I'm at the point, though, where I have to start looking out for number one and what will be best for my life and my future (and that of my family). That is what is most important.

I'm finally starting to think that I actually look pregnant and not just fat or like I have a beer belly. I hope that other people can tell as well. I've never been so self-conscious in my life! Even when I weight 250+ pounds I wasn't this worried about how I looked.

My next doctor's appointment is Feb. 27th. I'll be just over 17 weeks then. I'm excited, but kind of bummed that we won't get to see the babies at this appointment. We'll get to hear their heartbeats through the doppler and they'll schedule me for my next round of tests as well as my anatomy scan at 20 weeks! We will know what we are having in less than 5 weeks! How did we ever make it to this point?!? I'm so lucky to be growing two healthy babies after struggling for so long. My heart is overflowing. Though I do certainly feel overwhelmed at times at the prospect of caring for two infants, I know we will do well. It won't always be easy... and it certainly won't be boring!

I Don't Think That Was Gas...

So I'm pretty sure I felt one (or both) of the babies move yesterday. I wasn't gassy at all. To me it felt like when you're swimming in a lake and a fish grazes your leg underwater... but it was in my tummy about 4-5 inches below my belly button. It felt like a little slither sensation in there. I felt it a couple of times throughout the day. I felt it once or twice today as well and I haven't had any gas.

I can't wait until the day that Thayer can feel them moving too. I hope they karate chop him! lol... wait... that would mean they are chopping my insides too!

The top of my uterus is now just slightly below my belly button. I'm really self-conscious. I think I just look fat and not pregnant. I have a feeling I'm going to struggle a lot with the "feeling fat" thing. I just was finally getting used to being "skinny." We went out today to grab a bite to eat (I was really craving a reuben) and I just couldn't figure out anything that made me look like I wasn't huge. I hope I look pregnant to other people instead of just extra chubby.

So, I'm going to tell my boss on Monday that I'm pregnant. I decided I'm going to tell a little white lie about it. I just don't want it to seem like I was hiding something from them, though I was. I don't know if I would have gotten hired at all if they knew, for one. Also, I wasn't comfortable sharing the news with anyone other than family/friends until I was in the "safe zone." I really have no idea what their reaction will be. All I can do is hope for the best. I'm going to tell the principal first and go from there. I'm super nervous, but I know I can't put it off any longer because my tummy is only getting bigger and bigger every day.

Plugging Away

The last couple of days I've been beyond exhausted. I got a long term sub job in a high needs, high school special education class. The kids are great... I'm just lacking energy, especially with having to get up at 5:30am. Making 2 babies is serious business.

My latest craving has been Spicy Chicken Sandwiches from Wendy's and french fries with buffalo sauce. I still haven't gained any weight, even though some of my pants have already had to be retired.

According to how the babies are measuring instead of my LMP I'm currently 9w3d. I'm sure things are going well. The risk of MC at this point is pretty low since they both have well established heartbeats.

We're still concerned about the membrane, but trying not to dwell on it too much. At this point there is nothing we can do about it. It will either be there and be seen or it won't be there and I'll have a very high risk pregnancy. From what I've been reading, however, a lot of women had an ultrasound at 8-9 weeks where they weren't able to see the membrane but were able to see it between 12 and 14 weeks. My next appointment is at 13 weeks, so there is definitely still hope. Also, at my first ultrasound at the ER when we found out that there were 2 babies, they pointed out the 2 different yolk sacs. While this isn't a 100% indicator, it is a pretty decent indicator that they fraternal and will have a membrane separating them. We just have to hope and pray for the best at this point. If no membrane exists they will be mo/mo twins, meaning they share an amniotic sac and a placenta. The reason the membrane is so crucial, if there isn't one the twins umbilical cords could get tangled or wrapped around each other, cord compression could happen, cutting of nutrients/oxygen to one or both of them as they grow, or a syndrome called twin to twin transfusion syndrome could happen where one twin steals the blood supply from the other. Usually in the case of mo/mo twins, mothers are admitted full time to the hospital around 24-26 weeks for 24/7 monitoring to ensure that none of these are happening. This, of course, is worse case scenario. Because our twins were conceived with Clomid and more than likely from 2 separate eggs, there is also a lower likelihood that they are mo/mo twins. All mo/mo twins are identical (came from same egg).

The other two types of twins are di/di and mo/di. Di/di twins have 2 different amniotic sacs and 2 different placentas and di/mo twins have 2 different amniotic sacs and share a placenta.

I've had no more spotting since our adventure in the ER, so that is very promising. Spotting is more common in twins and other multiples. We decided to chalk the spotting up to the fact that they are already fighting and bickering in the womb. lol :)

I am anxiously awaiting our next appointment. It seems like a million days away. Not only is it on my birthday, but it is also on the first day of 2nd trimester... AKA the SAFE ZONE!

I Love What I Do

Today was one of those days that I just absolutely love what I do. One of my kiddos at my internship wrote me a note at home and gave it to me today. It said that he was going to miss me. He also said thank you and that I was the best teacher in the whole world. I seriously about cried. All school year I have worked with this kiddo one on one for almost 2 hours each morning. I know he's going to have a hard time when I read. He mentions it each day and tells me he doesn't want me to leave. :( I love knowing that I'm making a difference in the lives of children. I couldn't ask for a better, more rewarding job. I'm sad that next week is my last week at my internship. I have learned so much and love all the kiddos I work with. It has been an amazing experience, and I have gotten to know so many wonderful educators! Never once have I doubted my decision to become a Special Education teacher. I love every minute of it. Even when some of the kids are having a bad day or one of them is have a lot of behaviors, I still love it.

Tomorrow is going to be a big day. I am taking my Praxis exam for Special Education. It is the teacher certification test required by the state of Missouri to be a teacher. I'm not really worried too much. I'm pretty sure I will pass it with no problem, but it still is a VERY important test. (Not to mention it costs $139).

Tomorrow I am also officially applying for my first Special Education job. It is about an hour or so away from where we live, but it is probably one of a very, very few teaching jobs that will open up in the middle of a school year. I'm crossing my fingers. I'm not sure if they'll consider me because I won't have my official certification for about a month. Here's to hoping though. I also found out that the teacher I'm interning with will most likely be moving to St. Louis this summer so her job will be open. She said she would be sure to let me know. I know that I would have an "in" because the teachers, principal, and Special Ed. director all know me.

Here's to hoping something finally goes right in my life. I deserve to have some great things happen.

Interesting Week...

For the first time ever I started a job and quit it in the same week. It just wasn't a good match. The place wasn't exactly on the up and up if you get my drift, and I just didn't want to be associated with a place like that. Additionally, I start my internship in about 5 weeks so I wouldn't really make that much money anyway during that time with only working about 15 hours a week. I'm not heartbroken over it.

On a wonderful note, I now have my internship officially lined up. I met with the director of Special Education for the school district and she was very open and receptive to me coming into the district to complete my education. It really was a breath of fresh air for someone to be so welcoming. She asked me what age group I would like to work with and where I might feel the most comfortable. Because I did my Bachelor student teaching in a high school setting I have elected to do my Master's internship at an elementary school. It will definitely be different working with the little folks. The school is a lot larger than what I'm used to as well. There are 4-5 classes in each age level of K-4. I met with the principal and vice-principal as well on the same day at the school I will be at. They were both awesome. I can't begin to express how excited I am about my internship as well as finishing up my degree. Now, the only thing I have left to do is decide on what I would like to do for my Scholary Project. It's all coming to an end. I'm super proud of myself! Also, the district has already asked me to make sure I get on their substitute list. After I complete my internship, which should be done around the beginning of October, I will substitute teach until I can apply and get a full-time teaching position.

In the fertility front... tomorrow is CD29 so we will see if AF will show on time or what. I'm not sure if I even ovulated this cycle. PCOS is so frustrating! If my cycle is really messed up and AF doesn't show on time I think I might go back on BC for a couple of months to get things regulated better.

Sometimes Changes are Good!

I started my job and I love it. It is so much less stressful than working at the CDC. My teacher is allowing me to do a lot more than other paras are allowed to do because of my educational background. I am just 4 credit hours away from having my MSEd so she lets me do lesson plans for my kids and lets me enter all of their information from progress monitoring into their IEPs. I really like being able to help more than usual and it is great experience for me. I'm really happy with my new job and glad that I only have to work 6.5 hours a day. It makes getting my homework done and focusing on school a lot easier as well.

This month I am also not going to be taking my BC. I'm going to go off it for a couple of months and see how my body does. I'm currently on CD4. My predicted ovulation is on the 28th, but I usually ovulate a few days later than what is predicted. My ususal ovulation date is CD16 instead of the typical CD14. I guess we will see if that has changed as well. I really have to keep on top of my cycle so we don't accidently become pregnant. Wouldn't that be my luck... lol. All along I've been thinking it would be incredibly ironic if I got pregnant while on BC. I hope that everything goes as I hope and that I ovulate on my own. I have no real way of knowing whether I'm producing quality eggs. All I will know is if my cycle is going normal, which will be wonderful news because normally I'm pretty irregular because of my PCOS.

Thayer and I have been going through a little bit of a rough patch. Partly because of me and partly because of him. Sometimes he has absolutely no common sense and it drives me positively crazy. I hate feeling like I'm the mother of a 26 year old man. At times it is ridiculous. It is also funny. He got drunk the other night and he was spouting about how sometimes he takes me and all I do for him for granted and that he is sorry about it. Then he turns around a day or two later and acts like a complete ass.

This last week I have been on spring break from school. It was a nice break, but I know I have a lot of things coming up that will make me more stressed. It's all downhill from here. I have 3 really large final projects that I need to get started on. I really like most of my classes because I've learned a lot, though I don't really care for my two professors. Oh well... you win some, you lose some. The things I'm most happy about is that I have a 100% in all three of my classes. Based on this, it looks like I will be keeping my 4.0 this semester. I will just have 2 more classes to get through. I think it would be pretty amazing to graduate with my MSEd with a 4.0. That will look really good on a resume!

I've started generally looking for places to live down in Springfield. I think we are going to look at some of the outlying areas like Republic. It all depends on what we find though. Thayer really wants to live on the outskirts of town (he's never lived someplace as big as Springfield) or in a suburb. I love how cheap rent is down there and there seem to be plenty of places that will allow pets. Now if we can find a place with a fenced in backyard we will be golden!

Goodbye Worldly Goods....

So glad it is the weekend and this week is over. Work was hell. They pissed me off so bad. They wouldn't let me have the day off so I could meet with TMO. You would think that working on a military base at the Child Development Center they would kind of understand these things... but apparently not. I ended up having to call in, in order to get the day off because Thayer couldn't be at the house the whole time. Oh well... fuck them. Yesterday was my last day of work. I really just wanted to walk in the office and tell them to fuck off and inform them of all the reasons that their employees don't usually stick around long. They get sick of being walked on and treated like shit. It is ridiculous. I agree with a friend of mine that said that we were the prostitutes and the management was our pimps... they basically could treat us however they wanted and we got stuck doing everything with absolutely no pat on the backs or anything... unless of course you are one of their "favorites" and kiss their ass all the time. There are a couple of those floating around. Sorry... I don't play that game. If you want respect from me, you sure as hell had better respect me back. I have never been so HAPPY to be unemployed in all my life!!!!

TMO came on the 16th and 17th. All (well most) of our worldly goods are now in a warehouse awaiting travel to Missouri.Our house looks so empty, but it's a good feeling. I'm ready to start our new chapter more than anything else!

Oh... I broke my laptop. Yep... that was fabulous. I sat it on a bag thinking it was safe then I bumped the bag and it slid off in slow motion and the one side of it fell about 6 inches. The LCD screen is now only white. I took it to the shop on Thursday and they said they would look at it that afternoon or Friday. Now I'm still sitting here on Saturday and they haven't even looked at the damn thing. So IRRITATED!! I really need my laptop to be able to do my homework!! If you say you're going to do something then DO IT! I googled what might be wrong with it. It looks like either the connection is lose between the monitor and the video card, the inverter is bad, or the LCD went completely out. I'm thinking it is probably just a loose connection because there was nothing indicating a problem before it dropped all of 6 inches. It would literally take them all of 10 minutes to diagnose the problem... so why can't they just do it. I guess I'll just keep calling back every couple of hours until they get sick of me and get their shit together.

'Tis the Season to be Stressed...

Well, school is over for the semester! Thank God! I turned in my final paper on Sunday and finished my final project for my other class a whole 7 days early! I was proud of myself for not procrastinating until the very last possible minute for once in my life... and yes, I literally mean for once in my life. It looks like I will get A's in both my classes so I will maintain my 4.0 GPA in Grad School. I can't believe I have a 4.0 in Grad School! That's insane to me. I do have to pat myself on the back and say that I've been rocking my classes. Really, Grad School isn't more difficult than getting my Bachelor's was. It is simply a lot more time consuming. The amount of time you have to put into each class is a lot more. I'm pretty bummed that I won't be graduating in May though. Because of our impending move, I have to postpone my Internship and Scholarly Project. It is impossible to complete them and still move. My Scholarly Project basically takes the place of a dissertation. It is a huge project that I get to chose the topic over. I'm thinking about doing something involving the military and special education, but I guess I will cross that bridge when I get to it. I should be able to finish up next Fall without a problem. Here's to hoping! I'm just so relieved to have this semester complete. As for this Spring, I'm going to go ahead and start working on my Autism certificate. I'm taking 3 classes over Autism. I originally planned to start this after graduating with my Master's, but I don't want to "dropout" for a semester so I've decided to go ahead and start it a bit early.

Work is also increasingly stressful. The children are CRAZY! I love them to death... but geez! Also, there's just something about going to work that makes me feel... I don't know... less than enthusiastic. Don't get me wrong, I love the kids in my class... I think it has something to do with the vast amounts of hypocrisy that are always at play there. Oh well... it looks like, at most, I have 15 weeks left.

For once, Christmas doesn't have me stressed. I don't have any family to deal with. I just have Thayer and myself. All my shopping is done. Thayer and I and my nephew, Kimani, are the only people we had to buy for. I will probably just mail my sister-in-law a check. Thayer's parents don't get anything because I'm sick of how they treat my husband... and my parents usually say they would rather have us save our money. That is especially true this year because they know we're going to be moving and have expenses from that.

I do have happy news to report. I am 3 months post-op now... and have lost 54 pounds. I know in the next week I will probably shed pounds like crazy because I'm bloated right now from an impending visit from Aunt Flo. (Sorry if that's TMI). I'm so happy with my journey thus far. I'm currently wearing a size 16 jean and have had to get rid of over half the clothes in my closet because they swamp me. I can tell a difference in my energy level and that is exciting as well. I have NO regrets. I can't wait to continue my ride. I can't wait to start trying for baby again next year.

Even though there is a lot.. LOT of stress in my life right now. I'm content. I'm happy... and I wouldn't change a thing!

Loooooooong Week

This week was the week from hell at work. The kids were monsters, literally. All they wanted to do was hit, kick, and push each other as well as throw toys, throw fits, climb on furniture. All it seemed like I did all day was get on to them for something or another. I HATE days like that, but they occasionally happen. This week it was EVERY day. It was so frustrating! Most people do not understand the patience it takes to care for ten children between the ages of 12 and 24 months. Some days it is very mentally taxing. Don't get me wrong, most of the kids in my room I love like they are my own.... but there are some days when I just want to throw my hands up.

Moving on, I got my bonus from work this paycheck for performing perfectly on my review. I got 25/25 points :) I also got a pay raise not too long ago. That was pretty awesome. They only crappy part is that they should have been paying me that amount the whole time I worked there because the FINALLY decided to count my degree as having some sort of meaning. That means for the last year I should have been making almost $3 more an hour than I have been. Wouldn't it be grand if they would go back and pay me the difference? Yeah... a government job... I don't foresee anything like that ever happening.

My other exciting news from this week is I hit 40 pounds lost. I'm almost half way to my goal! I'm super excited. I am wearing pants 2 sizes smaller. I have a lot more confidence. I just went and got my hair done yesterday and it looks amazing. I just feel so much better about myself. I'm starting to look different. My face has slimmed down a lot.... It's just amazing and I can't wait for it to continue!

People Amaze Me

Everyday I'm amazed by people, and it usually isn't in a good way.

I'm amazed that we have parents that drop their children off at daycare all day when they have the day off. I'm amazed that some of these parents are single parents who go out to the field for 4 days and are home for 4 days... and yet still those 4 days they are home the child is at daycare 8+ hours. How about you spend some time with your child(ren)? I mean really, if you didn't want them and don't want to give them the love and attention they deserve there are ways to NOT get pregnant. It makes me so angry that these people can manage to get pregnant but good deserving people can't. I just want to shake them.

Oh... and parents who come home from deployment that take their child to daycare EVERY day of their R&R. Really? You've missed how many MONTHS of your child's life and you can't take ONE day to spend with them at home. I hate seeing these things over and over again every day at work. We had a mother who was deployed 9 months. She left when her child was 5 months old. She brought the child and his/her sibling to the daycare EVERY day of her 2 week R&R because it was too stressful to spend time with her own children. Bet you can't guess what rank she wears? Sometimes (okay... a lot of the time) I really hate my job. I don't hate the kids. I LOVE and adore (most) of the kids in my class as if they were my own. I hate certain parents and how they raise their children and I hate other managerial aspects.

In other news, Thayer was diagnosed today with asthma. Some people don't know, but you can't join the military if you have asthma and they usually don't let you stay in if you develop it. The doctors think that he developed it while over in Iraq when he was working around the burn pits. Right now, all of our plans are going down the shitter and I'm beyond stressed. Thayer was supposed to leave active duty and not re-enlist active duty this summer. He was going to join the Air Force Reserves while he used his GI Bill to go to school. Now none of that can happen. So I'm stressed about trying to find a teaching job so we can be sure to have insurance. I'm stressed about moving because he might get out early through medical separation. We just don't know anything and we have no answers. People up here are incredibly slow about everything and it is so frustrating. I'm so tired of being a military wife and having to go through the run around all the damn time. I'm OVER it. I just want everything to go as planned, meaning I have to get my portfolio set up to hopefully land a teaching job. I have to figure out what's going to go on with my own schooling because if we move I can't finish this spring. I already know I have to put that off because I can't leave right in the middle of my internship or I'll fail the course. I'm so OVER having the military dictate my life. Only a few more months!

That Time Again...

Thursday I go back to Bismarck for my 6 week post-op check. I'm going to be sure to talk to them about my energy level. I hope that they will run some labs to make sure I'm not getting anemic or completely dehydrated. I knew it would take a while to bounce back, but working has been really difficult. Even after a 6 hour shift I'm beat and come home and take an hour long nap then go to bed at about 10pm. I want to be able to exercise more, but it's so difficult when I'm worn out from just going to work. Granted, I have a fairly physical job. Taking care of 10 one year olds with one other person isn't always an easy task. Hopefully by the time Thursday rolls around I will be at my 30lb mark. I'm just about there; only a pound and a half to go. I'm trying to think of something to do in Bismarck so I'm not just driving for 2 hours for a 30 minute appointment then driving another 2 hours home. I think I'll hit up Petco. I can't/refuse to do any clothes shopping. Lots of people keep telling me that I need to go out and just buy new clothes (some of the ones I have are starting to look baggy and not so hot). If I go out and spend money on new clothes I'll just have to do the same thing again in a month or two. That adds up to a lot of money REALLY fast. I think it's pointless to go buy new clothes at this point. Not when I have another 70+ pounds to go until my goal. I think it would be awesome if I met and exceeded my goal. I really really want my weight to level out around a year mark of post-op. As soon as my weight stabilizes we can go back to TTC. Time will tell I suppose. There's no way to hurry it up. I just gotta keep doing what I'm doing.

In other news... (yes... the following paragraph is bitching)
I just want to say that it REALLY REALLY annoys me when people say they are going to do something then don't do it or don't show up. It's rude. If you say you're going to do something then do it. It's not that difficult. I also am extremely annoyed by people who are CONSTANTLY late. Late for anything, work, get togethers... etc. What makes them think they're more important than everyone else? It just seems that way. Oh look... I'm more important so you have to wait around on my slow ass. I was always taught... if you're early your on time, if you're on time you're late. lol ok... that's enough bitching for tonight.

I Raped My Husband... bwahahaha

So today is cycle day 17. I ovulated today. Got an almost positive on the OPK, but I felt it in my side that I did ovulate. That's the one nice thing about feeling like I got stabbed with an ice pick. I know exactly when I ovulate or if I ovulate each month. But really... it does hurt.  lol Thayer claims (jokingly) that I raped him and emotionally scarred him because I (semi) made him have sex today. I mean, unless I was on top it isn't rape right? Not like I had to tie him to the bed! Sorry if all this is TMI... oh well... a lot of my blogs are.

So, now the waiting begins. We will know in approximately 14 days if I am pregnant this cycle. If I am not, then I go through with gastric bypass on Sept. 7th. I'm starting to get a little more freaked out about it. I had to write a living will. That was kinda scary.

Thayer's not sure he wants me to get pregnant, which kind of hurt my feelings... a lot. He said he wished we weren't even trying (though a month ago he was completely on board). He is scared that if I get pregnant again that we will lose another baby. Don't get me wrong, I'm unbelieveably scared about that scenario as well. He says he doesn't want to put our relationship through that stress if we don't have to. He knows the odds are definitely more in our favor of having a successful pregnancy after surgery. I just wish he could understand my feelings of wanting to give it one last try before having to give up trying for 18 months. I wish he could understand how hard it is and heartbreaking it is every time someone else announces that they are pregnant. We should be parents already, but here we are. I'm taking medicines that make me sick and potentially having a life altering surgery just in HOPES of becoming parents. I mean, what if the surgery doesn't help. What if my PCOS is just as bad? That could happen. There are no guarantees. I just wish I could get something right for once. I just want to do what is best for myself, my husband, my future children... etc. I just don't know what that is at this point. I was probably being selfish trying this one last month to get pregnant. Okay... fine... I was selfish... but after over 2 years of trying I think I deserve to do one thing that I want.

Okay... onto other things in the world of Mary. I have a job interview Monday afternoon that I'm super excited about. I really really hope that I get it because I'm so sick of working at the Child Development Center here on the AF base. This new job will allow me to work with kids with special needs. That's something I'm passionate about. I'm also officially 3 classes away from completing my Master's in Special Education. If I get this new job I will probably postpone finishing school and graduation until December 2012... but if I don't get the job I will quit at the CDC (if possible) in January so I can complete my internship (aka student teaching). If I do this, then I will graduate in May 2012. Lots of possibilities on the horizon for me. I'm almost through all of the hoops to get both my Missouri state and North Dakota state teaching certificate.

Adventures in Clomid

So about 2 hours ago I took the first pill of my final cycle of Clomid. So... here goes another month. We shall see if it works and makes me ovulate. Clomid working is defined by whether it makes me ovulate or not... NOT if I get pregnant or not. Logically speaking, even with the Clomid the swimmers still have to find the egg and there is only what... a 25% chance of that happening each cycle. lol... mini-rant there I guess. Clomid "working" shouldn't be defined by whether you actually conceived because it doesn't make the sperm find the egg, it only ensures that you produce an egg.

*yawn* I took like a 2 hour nap this evening. It was a long work week. I've applied to a few other jobs. I just keep crossing my fingers and hoping that I get something. I'm not sure how much longer I can handle working at the CDC. I keep hoping that they lift the hiring freeze for the school district so I can substitute teach or get a job as a paraeducator. Guess only time will tell with that. Public school is starting late here because of the flood. Guess it is just a waiting game now.

School will be starting for me again soon. It sucks that I'm not able to take the two classes I need downtown at, but what can you do? Hopefully I will be able to get them done next spring along with my "scholarly project." The scholarly project for my Master's in basically taking the place of writing a thesis. I guess we shall see how that goes as well. In some ways I would almost rather just write a thesis paper because I'm a beast when it comes to writing papers... but I think I would get more out of doing the project.


Interesting Fact: I'm supposed to ovulate this month on the first day I ever say my now husband face to face. August 17th I flew to ND and met my husband face to face for the first time in 2008... then we got hitched October 16th of the same year. Almost 3 years of marriage so far!

Winding Down

So my vacation is winding down. I go back to work on Monday :( Boo!

I got back home today... Double Boo! (stupid Minot).

I have lots to do next week. I need to call the Ward County Jail to set up a day to get my fingerprint cards done to get my teaching certificate. I also need to fill out my FAFSA and enroll in classes for fall... I've been a bad girl for not doing it yet. I just really don't want to go back to work. I really hope that I'll be able to get a job with the school district or I might just be a stay at home wife again. I would really like to get on as a substitute teacher, which is the reason I'm getting my teaching certificate now. If that doesn't happen I know I will be trying for a para job either on base or downtown in Minot.

I know work isn't going to be happy with me. I'm just getting back from vacation, but now I have to ask for 3 weeks off. Though, hopefully by then I won't even be working there anymore. I'm going to be having my surgery Sept. 7th. That will allow us the opportunity to do one last round of Clomid before having to take 18+ months off from TTC. We shall see what happens with that.

I ovulated yesterday... one day too early to try this month as I didn't get back to Minot until today. At least I ovulated all on my own (I know for sure because it hurt!)... and I ovulated on CD18.

I hope things start going better for Thayer and I. We could really use a break. I love him dearly, and I know I haven't been the easiest person to live with as of late. I've also been confused about things from the past. I came into our marriage with a good amount of baggage and I spent the better part of the last week trying to figure that all out. I think I've finally got my head on straight! I've come to realize that I may always love and care about a person and that is perfectly okay, but that doesn't mean that my marriage was a mistake or the wrong decision.

Tee-Gee-Eye-Eff

Thank GOD it's FRIDAY!

It has been a LONG week. The last 5 days have seemed like they've lasted a month. I don't really know why. Just going through some personal issues I think. I'm pooped today! This week my schedule changed from 9a-6p to 6:30a-3:30p. I'm not really a morning person so the switch has been a little rough. Other than that, Father's Day is this weekend, which is a downer. There have also been more than a couple of pregnancy announcements, people bitching about being pregnant, and people having babies.

Right now I would be 19 weeks along and getting ready to find out what we were having... but instead I have an empty uterus and consequently I will have empty arms. Grrr this sucks so hard. I don't know why this one of the hardest losses I've had, but it is. Some days I'm better and some days it's like it happened yesterday. It's an up and down emotional rollar coaster and there are constant reminders everyday that I'm not going to be a mother this year. Part of me really wants to try one more time... ONE more time... ONE more chance before I have surgery. I'm not sure when my surgery will be exactly, probably August or the beginning of September. I know we won't be able to try in July because I will be gone when I'm supposed to ovulate... but what about August. Will I have time for one last ditch effort? Should I even try one last time before I go in for surgery? I do have one more refill of Clomid... I just don't know anymore. I really need someone to point me in the right direction.

Tuesday is my first appointment with the surgeon... we'll start looking at dates and other things. He will submit my information to Tricare for approval for surgery. After that we wait for approval. Once the I'm approved a pre-op appointment will be made and my surgery date will be set. I guess we'll see what happens and I'll go from there. Tricare usually takes 2-6 weeks to approve someone for the surgery.

Burning the Candle at Both Ends

Overworked.
Underpaid.
Overstressed.
Worn Out.
Tired.
Depressed.
Over-educated.
Under appreciated.
Underwhelmed and Overwhelmed.
Burned Out.
Disgruntled.

.... The list could go on and on.

I just feel so (see the above list). School. Work... WORK. Infertility. Family. Miscarriage. Military life. Surgery. I'm not even sure where to begin or end. I need a woosa day. I'm really thinking that Thayer and I need to take a weekend and go somewhere... ANYWHERE and stay the night away from this place. I need to get away and July simply isn't coming fast enough. At this point we're not even sure if Thayer can go with me back home to Kansas. All I know is... I might need a friend to watch the dogs this weekend so we can have some married couple time alone and the hell away from Minot.

Sooner Rather Than Later

So.. today in the break room at work... I almost had to get up and leave. "People who don't have kids have no idea how hard it is to be a mom..."

People who have not struggled through infertility don't know the pain and anguish we go through TRYING to have a child. Maybe if everyone had to struggle they would appreciate their children more. 2 or 3 women in the break room complaining about their children and basically saying that people with out children know nothing about being a parent. It took all I had to keep my mouth shut.

People who haven't lost their baby don't know how hard it is to say goodbye to a child they never got to hold, kiss, the unimaginable love that is felt. They don't understand how the heart breaks.

I'm sure some think I'm making to much of my whole situation, and they are certainly entitled to their opinion... Until you've been there... until you've walked in my shoes, I'm not sure you'll ever understand. I'm not asking you to understand... I'm asking people to learn, educate themselves, have compassion and be sensitive to others because you never know what they might be going through or what they have gone through.

"Do not judge your neighbor until you walk two moons in his moccassins." ~Cheyenne Proverb

First Day Back

So today was my first day back to work after everything that happened. It was rough. I'm still cramping and bleeding. I haven't bled that much overall, and I'm pretty sure I haven't passed the baby. I haven't really passed any clots either. I've just had some tissue looking material. Isn't it sad that I'm worried my miscarriage isn't going correctly? My doctor doesn't even want to see me until the 25th of April. I think that is ridiculous. I had an appointment tomorrow on base with my PCM, but because of the snow storm, the appointment has been cancelled. Also, because of the storm I probably won't be able to make it downtown to get my bloodwork done. I hate North Dakota. Shitty healthcare... shitty weather... Blah... I'm so done with it up here. 2 more months until I don't have to deal with the crappiness.