This is a window into my life.... Infertility, Pregnancy Loss, Marriage, Weight Loss Surgery, and finally... a multiple pregnancy.

Learn more about my Infertility Journey here:
3 years and counting

Welcome to the World Orion and Ronin!

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Saturday, July 28, 2012

Tricky McTrickison

The worst thing about the 2ww (two week wait) is how much your mind can and does play tricks on you. So many of the symptoms of being pregnant are very similar to those many people experience prior to getting their period. Sometimes I'm so hopeful that this month will finally be my turn again. Then I get to thinking about all the disappointments of the past and can't help but feel discouraged and hopeless. Once again this month I began with hope. Everything was timed perfectly. We BD the day before and day of ovulation. We know that my husband is not the problem so all should go right, but still it never seems to happen. I really don't know what could be wrong. Maybe I will get some answers when I go see the OB/GYN in a couple of weeks if we get a BFN again this month.

I'm tired of my mind playing tricks on me. I feel like I might be, but it always ends the same... only one pink line on a stick. I've had a mild, dull cramping since 8dpo. It occured more on 8 and 9dpo. I've lost some weight. I did that the first time I was pregnant. I've had a headache since last night. My back is a bit achy. I've had trouble falling asleep. I wake up feeling exhausted, not sleepy just tired and fatigued. I've also been feeling hungry some, which I haven't really had a lot of since having surgery almost a year ago. I don't want to get my hopes up, but it is so difficult.

Then when I start to think about being pregnant again I get scared. I don't know how I could take losing another baby if it were to happen. At least this time I can be pretty sure that I will get the proper medical care down here so that I don't lose another one to something preventable like last time.

Today is 10dpo. I plan to test on next Wednesday. I don't want to do it before then because it really isn't worth it. It just leads to undo pain.

Friday, July 27, 2012

Tinkle Tinkle in a Cup...

**Disclaimer: This blog involves a great deal of talk about bodily fluids. If this grosses you out or makes you uncomfortable please do not continue to read.

So... the life of an infertile involves lots of peeing in or on things. It begins with OPK (ovulation predictor kits). I usually use about 7 of these a cycle. I start peeing on them one CD 12 until I ovulate. That's a whole lot of peeing in a cup. I buy the cheap ones in bulk on the internet and you have to dip them in rather than peeing directly on them.

Then after ovulation begins the wait. This is known as the Luteal Phase. In most women it is 14 days long... hence the reason it is called a 2 week wait. After the completion of the two week wait infertiles start peeing on things again. This time they are pregnancy tests. They are hoping (usually in vain) that this month will be different and the test will show two beautiful lines.

Currently I am 9 days past ovulation. I have 5 days to wait until I start peeing on things again. I usually wait until my period is at least one day late. Most of the time, however, my period shows up and I don't even have to bother with testing... or there are times when my body does a complete mind f*ck and decides to make my periods a few days late. Then I'm peeing on a stick every day hoping for a different result (isn't that the definition of crazy?) even though my mind/body is just playing a joke. My period always shows up and Aunt Flow (AF) is always like "GOTCHA!!!! BWAHAHAHAHA!" Yeah.. not cool...

So every month I pee on something at least 7 days a month... that is one quarter of a month peeing in a cup and dipping a stick in hoping that one day I will become a mother. Fun times.

Symptoms this month so far (not that it really means anything...): Acne starting to get bad at 8dpo, slight cramping/stretching feeling starting 8dpo. Second temperature rise 8dpo (99.2 instead of my normal 98.6 after ovulation... before ovulation I'm usually 98.0), boob tenderness until 2dpo then it went away, began again 9dpo.

Monday, July 23, 2012

Appointments and More...

Today I called my PCM and got a referral to see an OB/GYN in my new town. I'm going to see the doctor that officially diagnosed me with PCOS back in 2007. I knew I had it long before I was ever diagnosed, however. I'm nervous and excited all at the same time. My appointment is August 16th. If we get a negative this month, then my appointment should be right before I ovulate. I'm not sure what he will do. I know what I'm hoping for. I would like to have bloodwork done and I would like to go ahead and get a prescription for a few rounds of Clomid. I'm not sure what I want will happen. I know I need to make a list of medical procedures I've had performed in regards to fertility treatments. I also need to make a list of questions to ask. I hate that this feels like we're starting over from the beginning again. I just hope we don't have to go through all the testing again. I still need to call my old clinic and have my medical results sent. I will do that in a little bit. I suppose it is also time to change my PCM to a doctor down here. It almost seems pointless because our Tricare coverage ends in the middle of September.

Today is 5dpo. I had sore breasts 2 days following ovulation. Now I'm not really having anything, though that's not uncommon. Now it's a waiting game. If AF doesn't show then I will test on the 2nd. I guess I will see what happens in the next few days. We shall see if my temperature stays up and if any symptoms start. Though I've learned not to trust some of those aspects either. I live my life 2 weeks at a time. CD1 to CD14-16 -- Waiting to ovulate. CD14-16 to CD28-32, waiting for AF to show up. One of these days I won't have to live life like this. One of these days it will be my turn. I just have to keep hoping and keep my head up.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Facebook is Serious Business

Let me tell you.. being deleted as a friend on Facebook just cuts me to the core. I don't know how I will ever live without you... *dripping with sarcasm* Do people honestly think it will just hurt me or anyone that bad by getting deleted on Facebook? Some people are so ridiculous and childish. People never cease to amaze me. I don't want or need fake friends/people in my life. Please, don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out.

On another note, I am thankful that Facebook has the option to edit subscriptions to people. In the recent months, when everyone has been getting knocked up besides me, this has been a LIFE SAVER! It's not that I don't want to be friends with these prego people anymore. It's more of a self-preservation. My heart cannot take constantly being bombarded by it anymore. I can CHOOSE to go to their Facebook and see how they are and how their pregnancy is on MY terms. I don't have to have a whole newsfeed full of it. THANK GOODNESS!! It is especially frustrating when people I once was friends with due to a common bond of infertility are now pregnant and doing the exact thing that used to make them so upset. So many infertiles who eventually do become pregnant kick the Facebook status updates about their expanding bellies into overdrive. Most of them SWORE they would never do that... yet as soon as they see two pink lines the obnoxiousness begins. Hell, when I found out I was pregnant, I sent out an email to my infertile friends before EVER making a post on Facebook so they could mentally prepare themselves. I plan to do this again if I ever manage to get knocked up again.

On to the realm of getting knocked up. I received my Vitex and Red Clover in the mail yesterday. I will begin taking them my next cycle if we receive another negative this cycle. I will take 1200mg Vitex for my whole cycle and Red Clover (3 drops every day -- this is equal to 105mg) from CD1 to ovulation. I am also calling Monday to get a referral to see an OB/GYN down here to get everything checked out prior to us hitting the TTC hard when September comes around. Yes, we've been trying, but not like how we used to. I also want to see if he/she will go ahead and prescribe me 3 rounds of Clomid. I don't want to dance around and wait forever like we had to in the past. I'm NOT trying for a whole year to see if I'm still infertile. lol No OB/GYN better try to convince me of that shit!

I also did a picture update the other day to show my weightloss progress and thought I would share it on here as well.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

What did you do today?

Oh... not much. I just hatched an egg. :)

Yep, I ovulated last night (CD15). I had the cramping. Now I can tell my progesterone is on the rise because the boobs are a little tender (not too bad though). I gave up on temping LONG ago. It just didn't work for me. I would rather pee on things instead. I do track my temperature after ovulation though. I watch for it to drop. It always drops the day before my period comes. It's kind of like my little pregnancy test.

Last night I was really craving frozen yogurt too. We drove into Springfield and went to CherryBerry. It was delicious. I had American Apple Pie flavor... mmm SO GOOD! :)

Tonight we have tickets to the midnight showing of The Dark Knight Rises! I'm super excited! I love the Dark Knight series. I'm kinda sad that it is all coming to an end, however.

Lately I've been kind of frustrated with people's ignorance about how their own bodies work. It's really not that hard to google and figure out how long different stages of your cycle should last. The latest was a woman claiming to have nausea, peeing a lot, sore boobs... all of these 5 days after ovulation. I hate to break it to her (and I didn't) but your little fertilized egg wouldn't even implant until usually 7-10 days after ovulation. There is no way that your made up symptoms were signs that you were pregnant. " Implantation occurs on average 9 days after ovulation and fertilization, it can happen as early as 6 days after ovulation until 12 days after ovulation." IT IS CALLED GOOGLE! I know how long each phase of my cycle should be. I know signs that these phases are occuring. Today my boobs hurt... does that mean I'm pregnant? NO.. lol I just ovulated yesterday! Besides, if this woman's hormone levels are high enough to make her nausious they should be high enough to be detected on a pregnancy test. However, that will NOT be happening 5 days after ovulation. lol END VENT about fertility stupidity.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

2... 4... 6... 8...

Tomorrow I will probably ovulate!

Today I got an almost positive/positive ovulation test (picture below).

Today is CD15 so ovulation should occur on CD16. This month I'm back to my "good" ovary instead of my lazy ovary. I'm pretty sure that this month will end in disappointment just like every other month, but I guess we shall see. At least I'm ovulating all on my own and earlier than I did last month. That is a step in the right direction. I haven't been able to start one the Vitex or Red Clover yet because I'm still waiting on the new shipment that I had to order offline. They should be here before the beginning of my next cycle. I really do think that part of my problem is my uterine lining not being thick enough. Part of that is due to my deficencies from surgery. I'm hoping to boost that up with foods as well as using the Vitex and Red Clover. I know that our "timing" has been good so there has to be some other explanation as to why things aren't "happening." I guess the quality of the eggs I'm producing might also not be the best. About the only way I know to help that would be Clomid, which I know I won't be getting anytime soon. Once again I'm struggling on my own without medical help. Blah.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012


Sometimes I wish things were different.
Sometimes I wish I could go back and change things.
Sometimes I wonder how life might be different.
Sometimes I think about the different people past and present in my life.
Sometimes I wonder if I made the right decisions.
Sometimes I think of all the ways things could be different.
Sometimes I reminisce about times gone by.
Sometimes I miss you more than I ever thought I could.
Sometimes my mind wonders and it always seems to find it's way back to you.

I know I can't change what has happened in my life thus far. I can't go back and make things different or "right." I can only move forward and hope that I learn from the past and learn from my mistakes. I can only hope that I continue to grow and do my best. I know that I'm not perfect. I've never claimed to be perfect. I know I've hurt people just the same as I've been hurt by people.

Life never stops, it keeps going and going no matter how much we wish we could hit pause, rewind, or even fast forward. I guess what I'm trying to say, I'm trying to do the best with what I have been given and chosen. Yes, I wish things might be different, but I'm not sure how to sculpt my life into my perfect vision. At times I don't even know what my vision really is. I think that is constantly changing as well. No, my life certainly isn't the way I envisioned it. There are aspects that are most definitely regrettable, but it goes on and on whether I'm ready for it or not.

Monday, July 16, 2012


So I did it ladies (and maybe a gentleman) lol. I booked myself a boudoir/pinup shoot for October! Now to work on toning up my excess skin. You can't hide as much when you're half naked!

I always wanted to do a photoshoot like this, but when I was bigger I was always too self-conscious. I'm still self-conscious, but I decided to do it! Getting our pictures taken this last weekend and seeing how great I really am looking I thought I really needed to take the plunge. I even got a few outfits to wear for the big event, but I'm looking for more suggestions. I think I might want to do a naughty teacher/librarian look among others. I'm super excited to feel gorgeous and glam. I just wish I could look in the mirror and see the same thing a camera lens does. When looking at myself, I still feel huge. I hope that one day I will get over all of that. Maybe this is a step in that direction!

Sunday, July 15, 2012

What's Goin' On

This weekend we went back to Kansas for my nephew and dad's birthday parties. We had a good time. I can't believe my nephew is four years old already! It seems like just yesterday I was at the hospital watching him be born! The trip was relatively uneventful.

Yesterday I ordered Vitex and Red Clover herbal supplements to see if they will help in the fertility area. My original order of Vitex, which should have been delieved yesterday was cancelled by the company because it was a discontinued item. It kind of made me mad. I had an email saying it had shipped, then all of a sudden on the day it was supposed to be delivered they refund the money and tell me it is discontinued. If they would have done it earlier I could have re-ordered from some place else instead of watching another cycle tick by. Today is CD12 and so far I haven't seen any sign of ovulation, thought it is pretty earlier for that since I typically ovulate late.

This weekend Thayer and I also had our pictures taken by Prairie Rose Photography. We will get a CD with more on them, but these are the ones that were posted already. I can't believe how tiny I look in them!

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Back in the Swing

I'm starting to get back in the swing of things and having a pretty "normal" schedule now. During and after the move I was a bad, bad girl and pretty much quit exercising. Naughty I know! I'm back in the swing of getting up then working out then going about my day. I've done Zumba (via the PS3, 55in TV, and YouTube) the last 3 days and in addition to that Thayer and I went on a 30 minute walk with the doggies. I've thought about starting to jog or run, but I'm not sure how my asthma or bum knee will do with that. I guess it is always something I can give a try, though I've never really been a big fan of running thanks to running laps repeatedly in high school around the circle gym.

I'm also learning to let things go. Maybe people are meant to be part of your past and not part of your future. There for a while I was really confused having a certain person back in my life, but I have since come to the realization that he doesn't really want me in his life, period. He doesn't want me around as a friend. He certainly doesn't love me anymore as he claimed otherwise he would not treat me the way he does. I guess that is neither here nor there. I'm an old married woman and it looks like I will stay that way at least for the foreseeable future.

Additionally, I've decided I'm really going to step up my game and quit letting people walk all over me. I'm going to be strong and stand up for myself and what I believe in. I'm not going to be anyone's punching bag anymore. Furthermore, I am not going to continue to allow people to be in my life that don't deserve to be there. I'm not going to fight to keep people in my life either. If you want to be there, then you'll make the effort to be there. If not, then don't let the door hit ya on the ass on the way out.

I'm also going to try to have a more positive outlook. Yes, there are times that I get really upset about being infertile and other things going on in my life, but I'm going to try harder to bounce back from that. I'm going to take control. I CONTROL my destiny, no one else. I'm in charge! Imma BOSS! lol

Saturday, July 7, 2012

A New Approach...

So I've thought and thought... and thought some more about my infertility, PCOS, crappy ovaries, and well just everything. I've done some research. I've done some soul searching. I've cried, gotten mad, beat myself up some for being broken. I've felt like a failure, and I've felt like completely giving up on ever being a mother. Then I decided to suck it up and figure out a way to help myself. I've been trying to think of ways to help my fertility. I've been trying to think of why I might not be getting pregnant if my cycles are fairly regular. It's a pretty good possibility that I'm ovulating.

There are only a few different reasons I can think of that might be preventing me from getting the BFP and they are as follows:

1. My uterine lining isn't thick enough for implantation. Thin uterine lining can be caused by hormonal imbalances which I am prone to because of my PCOS. The reason I'm thinking this might be the cause is the extreme lightness of my periods. I spot for one day, have one day of medium flow then two days of light to very light flow (think panty liner, not even enough for a tampon). Obviously if my periods are super light there isn't much lining for my body to get rid of. Additionally, some of my malabsorbtion issues from my surgery can cause deficiencies that could make my lining thinner as well. Of course without seeing a doctor I won't know this for sure. However, I am trying to research how to increase my lining through natural means (foods, vitamins, etc.) I will let you know how things pan out.

2. The eggs I'm ovulating are not good quality or are being released before they are ready (small follicles). Again, there is no way of knowing without doctor confirmation. However, with my past luck with Clomid, this very well could be the case.

One solution to try and help and level everything out is trying a supplement called Vitex. (Here is some information on Vitex and PCOS.) There are lot of success stories of it helping women with PCOS regulate there cycles as well as helping to increase fertility. (Vitex and Getting Pregnant) and (Vitex for Fertility). The medication helps to level out hormones within the body. I ordered some and I'm going to start taking it. What could it hurt? The dosage I'm going to start with is 1200mg a day. 1000mg a day is recommended, but with my malabsorbtion from surgery I figure the extra couldn't hurt. I'm going to try just Vitex for a month or two and see how things go. If I notice a difference or don't notice a difference I might switch to Fertilaid or Fertility Blend. I guess we shall see.

If any of my readers have any advice or knowledge please... PLEASE share it with me.

Friday, July 6, 2012

Head and Heart

Lately I've been struggling a lot with what my heart and head are telling me to do. I'm so worried and unsure of everything anymore. I completely lack any confidence in almost all areas other than my education, and even in that realm I'm not altogether 100% confident. It seems like everything is falling apart around me. I feel overwhelmed and out of control. I don't know who or where to turn because anyone I try to talk to or lean on doesn't have any answers or advice for me either. I feel so defeated.

I try so hard to put on a strong face. I try to hide all the hurt and pain. I wear a mask and people rarely get to see behind it. Everytime I try to let someone, things some how get turned around and I get hurt. I try to disguise all of my problems and make it seem like I have this perfect little life, when it is anything but perfect.

I'm sure that in many ways this post seems completely vague, but I can't put everything out there without other people getting hurt.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Nothing Says Independence Day Like...

 ** Blowing shit up
 **Drinking... lots of drinking (speaking of which... I need to make a rum run for some strawberry mango daiquiris)
 ** Cookouts
 ** Oh and getting your period.

Today has been a lazy day. I started my period today... yay! I guess I should be thankful that it was only about 3 days later than "normal." (WTF is normal anyways when you have PCOS?!) Yesterday was CD32 and I've been getting my period on CD28 since going off birth control in March. Blah... It could be partly because I have not been taking my medicine like clockwork as I was before. There were a few weeks this month where I forgot to take my Metformin and other medications. I now have a reminder set on my cell phone and it really seems to be helping me remember a great deal. Since setting it up I have remember to take my medication every day.

Additionally, I would like to take this opportunity and blog post to thank all the men and women of the Armed Forces, past, present, and future for their service to this country. Nothing can every repay the debt of the blood and sacrifices they have and continue to make. I am the proud daughter and wife of United States Air Force veterans. Until you've been in the shoes of a military spouse, you will never know the difficulties they endure for the sake of love and devotion to a man/woman who loves and is devoted to his/her country. May our country continue to stand strong and proud. SUPPORT OUR TROOPS!!!

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Late Doesn't Mean Sh!t

In the life and world of a woman with PCOS I have grown accustomed to my periods being... off. When I'm not on birth control they tend to get irregular. Of course I naively thought losing 101 pounds would drastically help in this area, but that does not appear to be the case. Today is CD30 so I am officially late, but like I've mentioned before, this doesn't really mean shit to a woman with PCOS. I don't know if or when I ovulated this cycle because it was the lazy ovary's turn to pop out an egg. Tomorrow I might or might not take a test. I already know what it will say. I'm having no pregnancy or AF symptoms. When I was pregnant I thought my boobs were going to fall off they hurt so bad. I haven't had any cramping. Considering the infrequency of the BD, it is not likely that we are pregnant. I just wish something in my life would go right for once.

It is nice going shopping now and being able to shop in the "normal" people section. I still try to migrate to the plus sizes and I have to remind myself that those clothes won't fit me anymore.

Thayer and I have also decided that it is time that we get some updated pictures. We are going to a local photographer in Kansas to get "family" pictures taken on the 13th or 14th. It will me, Thayer, Kaia and Myst. Our little family. I was putting up pictures around our new place and thought... wow I really need some of the "new" me. They photog is having a sale for the month of July so we are going for it.