This is a window into my life.... Infertility, Pregnancy Loss, Marriage, Weight Loss Surgery, and finally... a multiple pregnancy.

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3 years and counting

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Friday, December 30, 2011

Happenings of 2011

2011 has definitely been a year of ups and a year of downs. It has been one hell of a rollar coaster ride. Here is a brief summary of what 2011 held for Mary Olin.

January - Finished my first cycle of Clomid. Ovulated and chemical pregnancy.
February - Completed a second round of Clomid. Got pregnant on Feb 23rd... Yes I know the exact day I conceived. The doctor said I wasn't going to even ovulate and should just give up and try again the following month.
March - Found out I was pregnant on the March 10th. I started spotting exactly one week later and gave "birth" to our little angel on March 29th. This is seriously the worst and hardest thing I have EVER had to go through. People say mean, cruel, hurtful things. People still do this to this day. I love my angel baby. Baby Hope will always be my first child and I will never forget her.
April - I decided to pursue weightloss surgery to increase my fertility by helping my PCOS and decrease my risk of miscarriage significantly by being at a normal body weight.
May - Mother's Day sucked.... hardcore.
June - Father's Day sucked.... a lot.
July - I went home for a visit for two weeks. I flew and was reminded of why and just how much I hate flying. I was pissed that my sister "conveniently" left the day I got into town so I couldn't see my nephew at all. It was a pretty good visit. Got to see some old friends, though some of them I wish I could have spent more time with.
August - This month marked 4 years since my sister was murdered. Her killer is still at large and the Wichita Police Department is the biggest bunch of fuck ups I've ever heard of in my entire life. I also decided to get gastric bypass instead of just the lap band. I also did one last cycle of Clomid to see if we could miraculously get pregnant. It (obviously) didn't work.
September - September 7th I had my gastric bypass surgery. My mommy came to visit me at the end of the month! By the end of the month I was down 20lbs.
October - I returned to work following my surgery. Thayer and I had a lot of marital issues this month. Things were pretty rocky for a while. We also celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary on October 16th. By the end of the month I was down 33lbs.
November - By the end of the month I was down 45lbs. I started back on Metformin, and since going back on this medicine to regulate my PCOS, I have seen an increase in my weightloss. My body is actually working correctly so now I can lose the weight more effectively! This was a hard month because Baby Hope was due on Veteran's Day (11/11/11). I can't help but think about what might have and could have been. We went over to some awesome military friends house for Thanksgiving.
December - I helped plan most of the Enlisted Spouse Christmas party. By the 31st of December I am down 61lbs! Christmas was hard this year. I couldn't help but think I should have a newborn and should be hanging a "Baby's First Christmas" ornament instead of my Baby Hope memorial ornament. Christmas has been rough for me since my grandma died when I was 14... it's never really gotten any better, only worse as I keep losing those I love. I did, however, spend a wonderful Christmas Eve with part of my military "family."

Monday, December 26, 2011

Rounding out the Year

So 2011 is coming to a close. It has been a year full of ups and downs to say the least.

Yesterday was Christmas. On Christmas Eve we went over to a friend of ours and had a wonderful Christmas Eve with our military family. I tried goose for the first time. It was actually really good. Tasted a lot like steak to me, but with a little bit of a "gamey" taste. We opened presents and laughed. It was a good time with great friends.

Christmas day was pretty uneventful for Thayer and I. We played games and watched movies. I also did some housework. Christmas just isn't the same for me and I was trying my hardest to keep my mind off Baby Hope. It's so difficult to think we should have had a baby to celebrate with this year, but we didn't. It is still a hard pill to swallow at times. I know that people that haven't been in my shoes really just don't understand. I can't really expect them to. I can, however, expect them to have compassion and understanding for the feelings I have.

Thayer talked to his mom. His dad went to the Phillipines and left his mom all alone in Guam for Christmas. The shittiness of his father never ceases to amaze me. I guess to get him back, Thayer's mom is spending extra on the kids for Christmas. Since he is spending all this money over in the Phillipines, she is spending more on Thayer, his sister, and even me for Christmas. We also found out that next summer she is coming over to the states so spend a few weeks with us. Hopefully we are all settled in our new place in Missouri. Everything is up in the air still. Thayer is waiting on his official orders so we can start to arrange our move. We shall see if that happens. Once again we are left waiting. If we do get orders for March, then the last day we will possibly be out of here is March 31st... in 96 days.

For once, I wasn't trying to hide in pictures. I love all the new-found confidence I have. I can't believe how far I've come since September 7th. As of today I am down 60 pounds. That's half a person! Here's a picture from Christmas Eve! I'm starting to look skinny! 

Saturday, December 24, 2011

I Miss Shopping :(

It is official. I miss shopping. I find myself browsing all my favorite stores online and finding shirt after shirt that "speak" to me... but alas, I do not buy them. My head knows that it would be a waste of money to purchase clothing that I probably won't be able to wear but for a couple of months. Sometimes I just really really want to buy something though! It's so exciting to be able to look at clothing in the "normal" people stores and not have to shop in the "plus" size sections anymore. I can't wait until I can go out and buy a whole new wardrobe once I finally stop being the incredible shrinking Mary. I know I have a long way to go yet. I'm only a few months out from having my surgery. I plan to lose at least 50 more pounds. People that I haven't seen in a while and run into tell me that they could hardly recognize me. I've been getting compliments. People are saying that I'm looking really good. I'm not sure how to take it all. I know I look completely different. My wedding rings don't fit. My necklace hangs lower on my chest because my neck is less fat. EVERYTHING is changing.

For the most part I'm happy. Actually 98% of the time I'm beyond happy. I do still have my moments though. I wish we could still be trying for a baby. I wish I wouldn't have had to do this in order to have a successful pregnancy. Then again, I'm willing to do anything to have a child. No matter what, I will be a mother of a baby one day and that baby will have mine and Thayer's DNA. Sometimes I think others have given up on me having children. Fine, if they want to give up they can. It's not their body; it's not their life.

It is hard to tell right now if the surgery is helping with my PCOS because I'm on birth control. The BC is making everything function more or less like it should so I can't tell if I'm ovulating. I also can't tell if my periods are becoming more regular because the BC takes care of the regulating for me. Time will tell I suppose. I hope that it does help, but even still, I am more than willing to go back on Clomid or do any other type of procedure to have a child. I won't give up hope, though sometimes I do get pretty down about it. I always make a comeback!

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

199... are you outta your mind?

Today I hit another super awesome goal today. My weight this morning was 199! I'm under 200lbs for the first time since middle school. Super... SUPER... excited!! Here's a picture I took this afternoon after work.

I'm starting to look quite a bit different and that makes me really happy. I didn't think I would be under 200 until around my birthday which is just over a month away! Hopefully in the next 3 months I will lose another 50+ pounds. After that... the weightloss will slow down (after first 6 months) but I will continue to lose. It will be at about half the rate of what the first 6 months was.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Tummy Troubles

So it seems like everything I eat recently has been making me nauseous. This includes food I've eaten in the past without any problems. It's really kind of frustrating. I don't like feeling sick and it makes working hard. I try not to eat on my lunch break anymore. I usually just drink a small glass of juice. I have started my period pound shed. My total loss as of this morning was exactly 56 pounds. Hopefully tomorrow I will shed the other .7 pounds. Losing .7 pounds will put me under 200lbs for the first time since middle school maybe? I'm excited about that... but I wish I knew what was going on with the nausea. I guess I will just have to work through it, one day at a time.

The other day I couldn't help but think how nice it will be to spend the holidays with my "family." There are friends up here that have become like a family to me. I think that's a military thing. I won't have to deal with the drama of my real family. That in itself is a huge stress reliever. I know things are going to be difficult when I move home because I'm not in the habit of keeping my mouth closed. I've become pretty blunt, and some people don't like it. Oh well, they can either get over it or get out of my life. There are certain members of my family I don't really like or care for. I mean, who really spreads vicious lies to other family members and thinks it's okay? A certain family member of mine does. Oh well... Karma is a bitch and she will eventually get what is coming to her.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

'Tis the Season to be Stressed...

Well, school is over for the semester! Thank God! I turned in my final paper on Sunday and finished my final project for my other class a whole 7 days early! I was proud of myself for not procrastinating until the very last possible minute for once in my life... and yes, I literally mean for once in my life. It looks like I will get A's in both my classes so I will maintain my 4.0 GPA in Grad School. I can't believe I have a 4.0 in Grad School! That's insane to me. I do have to pat myself on the back and say that I've been rocking my classes. Really, Grad School isn't more difficult than getting my Bachelor's was. It is simply a lot more time consuming. The amount of time you have to put into each class is a lot more. I'm pretty bummed that I won't be graduating in May though. Because of our impending move, I have to postpone my Internship and Scholarly Project. It is impossible to complete them and still move. My Scholarly Project basically takes the place of a dissertation. It is a huge project that I get to chose the topic over. I'm thinking about doing something involving the military and special education, but I guess I will cross that bridge when I get to it. I should be able to finish up next Fall without a problem. Here's to hoping! I'm just so relieved to have this semester complete. As for this Spring, I'm going to go ahead and start working on my Autism certificate. I'm taking 3 classes over Autism. I originally planned to start this after graduating with my Master's, but I don't want to "dropout" for a semester so I've decided to go ahead and start it a bit early.

Work is also increasingly stressful. The children are CRAZY! I love them to death... but geez! Also, there's just something about going to work that makes me feel... I don't know... less than enthusiastic. Don't get me wrong, I love the kids in my class... I think it has something to do with the vast amounts of hypocrisy that are always at play there. Oh well... it looks like, at most, I have 15 weeks left.

For once, Christmas doesn't have me stressed. I don't have any family to deal with. I just have Thayer and myself. All my shopping is done. Thayer and I and my nephew, Kimani, are the only people we had to buy for. I will probably just mail my sister-in-law a check. Thayer's parents don't get anything because I'm sick of how they treat my husband... and my parents usually say they would rather have us save our money. That is especially true this year because they know we're going to be moving and have expenses from that.

I do have happy news to report. I am 3 months post-op now... and have lost 54 pounds. I know in the next week I will probably shed pounds like crazy because I'm bloated right now from an impending visit from Aunt Flo. (Sorry if that's TMI). I'm so happy with my journey thus far. I'm currently wearing a size 16 jean and have had to get rid of over half the clothes in my closet because they swamp me. I can tell a difference in my energy level and that is exciting as well. I have NO regrets. I can't wait to continue my ride. I can't wait to start trying for baby again next year.

Even though there is a lot.. LOT of stress in my life right now. I'm content. I'm happy... and I wouldn't change a thing!

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Thinking About You

Today I was thinking about my baby. Today I was thinking about how far I've come. I was thinking about how much I've changed. Surely everything happens for a reason and often we never know the reason.

In some ways I've become a better person since losing Baby Hope. In others, I haven't been so amazing. It's hard for me to be truly sincere when someone I know becomes pregnant. It's not that I'm not happy for them. I'm sad for myself. I think, "When will it finally be my turn?" I question everything. I question the little bit of faith I have left, the tiny speck of faith that hasn't been washed away by all the tears from the events of my life.

I still hate when people bitch about being pregnant. If only they knew not to take their gift for granted. That's what bitching seems like to me... so what if you have morning sickness? It could be worse, instead of barfing or feeling nauseous you could be bleeding and flushing your baby down the toilet. I have NO tolerance left for people to complain about being pregnant.

My baby, the tiny bean that she was, changed me, changed my whole life, changed my whole perspective. It's an experience I wish I never had to go through, but it has changed me. I know what it is to love a child, my child, unconditionally even though so many have told me she wasn't a child at all. I have never known true elation like that of seeing that test say "Pregnant." I know I will never ever be the same.

I also have a new favorite song by Daughtry. It's called "Gone Too Soon." It expresses what I've struggled to put into words so many times.

"Gone Too Soon" -- Daughtry
Today could've been the day
That you blow out your candles
Make a wish as you close your eyes
Today could've been the day
Everybody was laughin'
Instead I just sit here and cry

Who would you be?
What would you look like
When you looked at me for the very first time

Today could've been the next day of the rest of your life

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose
Such a ray of light we never knew
Gone too soon, yeah

Would you have been president?
Or a painter, a author or sing like your mother
One thing is evident
Would've give all I had
Would've loved you like no other

Who would you be?
What would you look like
Would you have my smile and her eyes?
Today could've been the next day of the rest of your life

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose
Such a ray of light we never knew
Gone too soon, yeah

Not a day goes by, oh
I'm always asking why, oh

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose
Such a beautiful life we never knew
Gone too soon
You were gone too soon, yeah

And not a day goes by 
That I don't think of you

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Giddy Girl!

Yesterday was an amazingly awesome day. I hit my 50 pound mark AND I fit into a size 16 jean for the first time since middle school. I was so freaking giddy. So far I am loving my journey. I'm loving feeling more confident. I love how my husband looks at me now. Maybe he's always looked at me that way and I never noticed... but still. He's amazed by what is happening to my body. Most of my shirts are starting to look way to big on me, which is awesome! I love my clothes not fitting for something other than getting fatter! I still haven't gotten sick to my stomach and I've only been nauseous 3 times so far. I haven't really had any complications and I'm still losing steadily! I can't wait for the next 3 months. 50 pounds in 3 months is amazing!

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Bah Hum Bug

So this weekend I put up our Christmas decorations. I set up the tree. It was a little bittersweet and sad. This Christmas was supposed to be different. Instead of hanging a memorial ornament on our tree for our angel, I should have been hanging a "Baby's First Christmas" ornament. Instead of being a twosome again for our third Christmas, we should have been a threesome. I teared up a little as I hung Baby Hope's ornament on our tree. I hope wherever she is, she knows how much I love her. I know I'll never forget her. How can a mother forget their baby?

I've heard so many harsh things since losing our baby. So many hurtful things. I'm over negative people. I know it's perfectly fine for me to be sad. It is fine for me to remember my child, even if some people think he/she wasn't a child yet.

Now it is all a matter of counting down the days until we can try again. Counting down the days until our family can be complete. Both Thayer and I's thoughts on parenthood have changed so much by going through infertility and the miscarriage. We always said we wanted at least 2 children. Now we think we only want to have one. It's not that we don't want to have two still, we do. We just don't want to have to go through the struggle of infertility year after year again. We don't know for certain how having surgery will affect my ability to get pregnant. We are hoping for the best, but I don't usually have the best of luck.

Admittedly, Christmas has always been a difficult time of the year for me since I lost my grandma when I was 14. She was my other mommy. She taught me so much and it seemed so cruel that a beautiful person was taken away from me. Christmas has just become progressively more difficult as more sad things have happened. Christmas just isn't the same without my Grandma and Grandpa V. or my sister Kim. It feels wrong to celebrate and be happy. I know they would want me to, but it's difficult. I know this Christmas, with the loss of our baby, will be even more difficult. I lost my faith at the age of 14, and have yet to gain a single bit of it back. It's hard to have faith when you see wonderful people struggling every day. It's hard to have faith when unimaginably cruel things happen every single day. It's so hard when people play the God card. "God will give you a baby when he thinks you're ready." or "It was God's will that your baby died."  or "Pray about it and it will happen."

Saturday, November 26, 2011


As of this morning I am down 45 pounds. I always drop really fast right after I start my period. I suppose it is because I'm so bloated. Anywho... I thought I would share a before and after 45lbs. It's pretty crazy! I've gone from a size 22 pant to a size down to an 18. I've gone from a 44C to a 40C bra size. I will be under 200 for the first time since high school by my birthday, maybe even by Christmas. I was kind of scared to share my actual weightloss numbers, but I think I will now. All my life I've been picked on because of my weight, even though I was pretty happy with who I was. Before surgery I was at 256.6lbs. I am currently 211.6lbs. I have lost 45lbs in 11.5 weeks. I can't believe how much more confident I already am! I'm proud of myself and the journey I have chosen to take. Other people can kiss my ass :)

This was taken Feb 2011 (Before)

This was taken Thanksgiving of this year (2011). (Current)

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

The Yucky Medicine Again

Two weeks before my surgery (Sept. 7th) I had to quit taking my Metformin. I was relieved to finally be off of it. I took it for over 2 years and every day of those two plus years I had the runs. It wasn't pleasant, but I knew that taking it had a purpose. It helped my PCOS. It helped me have regular cycles because my body making hormones better as well as helping with my insulin resistance (due to PCOS). In my mind, I was just on Metformin because we were TTC. So I didn't really think about going back on it after surgery because we can't try until at least September 2012. I'm also on birth control now to ensure that I don't get pregnant because it could be dangerous for myself and the baby if I do get pregnant while I'm dropping weight so fast. (I hate my BC, but there are only two types I can use. I'm on Nuvaring. The other option is the patch).

ANYWHO... I didn't think I would need to go back on Metformin because I now had the birth control to regulate my cycles. It didn't even occur to me that I need to be on the Metformin for all the other reasons (hormone regulation, insulin resistance, etc.) In my mind, Metformin was a baby making drug for me. So... now that I think about it I really need to be on it so my body can work right. It will help me lose weight to an even greater extent because everything will be working correctly. I can't believe I was so silly. It didn't even occur to me until I was on a PCOS support site where women were talking about taking Metformin along with their birth control.

Stress has been slowly creeping up on me more and more as well. I'm worried about my mom. They think she has a blockage in one of her arteries. She has to go in and have a heart catherization done on December 6th. So please keep her in your thoughts. It's so hard to be away from family, but I'm sure she knows I wish I could be there with her. My mom is undoubtedly my best friend. I don't know what I would do without her. I do know that I'm going to make her and my dad (who had a heart cath done about 5 years ago) eat better while I'm living under their roof when I move back home. I'm also going to try and convince my mom to quit smoking. I know that's going to be nearly impossible, but I'm going to try.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

You Turn Me Right Round Baby Right Round...

So, once again everything in my life is up in the air. Gotta love the Air Force. I'm so over being a military wife. It looks like we might be leaving Minot as early as March now. Thayer's separation date is listed as March 31st. I personally think they are trying to get him out before he goes in front of the medical review board so they can screw him out of disability. I guess we shall see what happens in the next few months. I hate never knowing what I can do with my life and having everything dictated by "the man." I'm ready for us to move on from the military. I know that it's scary for Thayer... and parts of it are scary for me too (like possibly not having insurance). I just want a date so I can start planning. For important things like moving across country I need a plan.

We still are going to be living with my parents for a short time until Thayer starts school and starts receiving his BAH from his GI Bill. I'm not nervous about living with my parents at all... I'm just nervous that my big old honest mouth will get me in trouble. I'm done putting up with bullshit from my family and I'm not afraid to speak my mind anymore. I'm afraid I will be too blunt and honest... but then again I'm not even sure I care that much. The bridge has already been burned to an irreparable state. lol Most of this paragraph has been pretty vague. Sorry... but those who know me very well know the person I'm referencing. I just don't want to start unneeded drama in my family.

Sunday, November 20, 2011


I'm really beinging to realize that people of all ages can be bullies. I have heard or read things from women who have to put other people down to try and feel happy with their own unhappy lives. It's really sad that grown men and women have to turn to bullying others to make them feel better about their own shitty situation. You shouldn't have to put down the decisions of others to make you feel better about your own. Maybe, if you're doing that, then you aren't truly happy with the decision you've made. Bad mouthing others is just sad and kind of pathetic when you're pushing 30+.

I chose to have weightloss surgery. Apparently that makes me lazy, unmotivated, etc. in the eyes of some people... including other women/men who are morbidly obese. Whatever. Get over yourself. After 2 years of eating health and no more than 1500 calories on top of exercizing countless hours a week I did what was right for me. Different strokes for different folks. That doesn't mean you have to bad mouth me or bully me and others that have made the decision. I have a disease that makes it nearly impossible for me to lose weight naturally. My body doesn't process food correctly because I have an endocrine disorder. Unless you've been in my shoes, then quit being so judgemental and take a good look in the mirror. If you're bullying people then you obviously aren't very happy with yourself. If you have to justify your behavior and actions by putting other people down then you obviously aren't happy about your situation.

Loooooooong Week

This week was the week from hell at work. The kids were monsters, literally. All they wanted to do was hit, kick, and push each other as well as throw toys, throw fits, climb on furniture. All it seemed like I did all day was get on to them for something or another. I HATE days like that, but they occasionally happen. This week it was EVERY day. It was so frustrating! Most people do not understand the patience it takes to care for ten children between the ages of 12 and 24 months. Some days it is very mentally taxing. Don't get me wrong, most of the kids in my room I love like they are my own.... but there are some days when I just want to throw my hands up.

Moving on, I got my bonus from work this paycheck for performing perfectly on my review. I got 25/25 points :) I also got a pay raise not too long ago. That was pretty awesome. They only crappy part is that they should have been paying me that amount the whole time I worked there because the FINALLY decided to count my degree as having some sort of meaning. That means for the last year I should have been making almost $3 more an hour than I have been. Wouldn't it be grand if they would go back and pay me the difference? Yeah... a government job... I don't foresee anything like that ever happening.

My other exciting news from this week is I hit 40 pounds lost. I'm almost half way to my goal! I'm super excited. I am wearing pants 2 sizes smaller. I have a lot more confidence. I just went and got my hair done yesterday and it looks amazing. I just feel so much better about myself. I'm starting to look different. My face has slimmed down a lot.... It's just amazing and I can't wait for it to continue!

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Counting Down

There are approximately 210 days until I leave Minot, ND for good. This gives me 210 days to get my teaching profile completed including letters of recommendation and my official Missouri Teaching Certificate (I only need fingerprints to complete it). The pressure is really on for me since we know that Thayer will no longer be able to join the Reserves. I must get a teaching job so that we can continue to have insurance. Our insurance through Tricare will lapse 6 months after Thayer gets out. It's a bit nerve wracking. I hate being without insurance. I was spoiled because growing up I always had really great insurance. Then when I was in college for a few years I didn't have any because my dad was laid off from Boeing. Then when he got rehired through Spirit Aerosystems I had it again. I just don't want to have to worry about things. I want to make sure my prescriptions are paid for. I know if I don't get a teaching job, I can always substitute to help make ends meet, but I'm so ready to be a teacher. It's a bummer that I will not be able to finish my Master's degree next semester because the move could come right in the middle my internship. Once the again, the life of a military wife interfers. I am super excited to know that this will be my last winter here in Minot. I'm ready to move on with our lives, no matter how scary that might be. I'm ready for Thayer to go to college and get his degree in Computer Engineering and make some big time $$. I'm ready to be close enough to home where I can drive home on the weekends if I want. I'm ready to start my life as something other than a military wife.

There are approximately 299 days until we can start trying to have a baby again. Yes, I am counting down the days. We tried for over two years to have a successful pregnancy and have no child to show for it. I'm ready to be a mother. I can't wait to be a mother. I've accomplished all my life goals other than to become a mother. What more could a woman want? I have a loving husband, 1 awesome dog, 1 semi-awesome dog, a college education.... the list goes on and on. Yes, I am thankful for what I have, but I know for a fact that I would be a Rock Star Mother! I do have to say it has been nice not having to keep track of my cycles. It has been wonderful not having to have timed sex. It's been nice not having to pee on anything. I don't really like my birth control, but it does it's job. The only difficulty with not TTC has been all the recent pregnancy announcements. Jealousy has reared it's ugly head a few times, okay... more than a few times. Sometimes life just seems so unfair, but I'll get over it.

There are 77 days until my 27th birthday. I'm excited that I will have lost at least 50lbs by then. I'm not, however, excited to be one year closer 30. I always promised myself that I would be done having kids by the time I was 30... doesn't look like that's going to happen. At least I'll be a wise and mature mother who raises her children right!

So that is just a few of the things I'm counting down to :)

Friday, November 11, 2011

2 for One

So, today was Veteran's Day and today was also my due date with our angel baby.

My goal today was to try and keep as busy as possible so I couldn't think about the latter of the two, too much. I think I accomplished my goal rather well. This afternoon Thayer and I went ice skating for free for Veteran's Day. Then we went out to lunch which made me sick for a while. The food just didn't agree with my tummy and I got to truly experience "dumping syndrome" for the first time. Needless to say, I don't want to experience it again any time soon. Sweating, nausea, the shakes... yep... wasn't a good time especially since we were at the mall. We walked around the mall for a bit and I ended up getting a coat at Old Navy for 60% off. It's super cute, but a little small right now. I should be able to fit into it by the end of the month at the rate I've been going. I also bought Just Dance 3. I had been using Just Dance 2 as part of my workout routine besides the elliptical. It's a little more challenging and has a lot of songs I like. Lets see... then we went to the Chiropractor and got snap, crackled, and popped. I feel better now. My hips not bothering me anymore! Then we went to see Immortals. It was pretty hokey and not nearly as good as 300. We were both pretty disappointed in it. On the way home we got Jimmy Johns. It was a pretty good day considering. I'm glad I got to share it with my Airman.

As far as Veteran's Day, I'm so proud of my husband and the service he has provided to this country. I'm also proud of my dad who served in the Air Force. Also, my Grandpa Mallatt who served courageously in WWII in the Pacific theater. I have many other family members that are veteran's as well. Words can not express the debt we, as a country, owe you. I know how hard the military works; I've seen it first hand. The work for little pay and at times, little respect. I was pleasantly surprised to all the praise I saw this morning in everyone's statuses on Facebook. It seemed like everyone on my friend's list said something of praise and/or thanks for those that have or are currently serving.

As for my angel baby. I miss her every day. I don't think that will ever change. I really thought today was going to be much harder than it actually was. This morning I had a moment, shed a couple of tears, then got ready to start my day. March 29th and November 11th 2011 are days that I will never forget as long as I live. Sometimes I still have moments where I'm sad and I have moments of jealousy. Things are honestly so much better now than they were 6 months ago. I know my little angel is in heaven and I'll get to see her one day, but until then I know that she is in good hands. I'm a mom now and I'll be a mom for the rest of my life. My baby, Baby Hope, was simply too beautiful and perfect for this earth. I was shown a brief piece of heaven in those few short weeks. I know that one day I will be a mother. I've come so far and done so much to try and have my perfect child. I hope that we will be able to start trying next September or so. We shall see what happens with my weightloss.

I'm down 39 pounds in 9 weeks, so I have 67 pounds to go until my goal weight. Would I be happy losing more than that? Sure, the doctor predicted a loss of 100lbs so that is what I'm going by to set my goal.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

People Amaze Me

Everyday I'm amazed by people, and it usually isn't in a good way.

I'm amazed that we have parents that drop their children off at daycare all day when they have the day off. I'm amazed that some of these parents are single parents who go out to the field for 4 days and are home for 4 days... and yet still those 4 days they are home the child is at daycare 8+ hours. How about you spend some time with your child(ren)? I mean really, if you didn't want them and don't want to give them the love and attention they deserve there are ways to NOT get pregnant. It makes me so angry that these people can manage to get pregnant but good deserving people can't. I just want to shake them.

Oh... and parents who come home from deployment that take their child to daycare EVERY day of their R&R. Really? You've missed how many MONTHS of your child's life and you can't take ONE day to spend with them at home. I hate seeing these things over and over again every day at work. We had a mother who was deployed 9 months. She left when her child was 5 months old. She brought the child and his/her sibling to the daycare EVERY day of her 2 week R&R because it was too stressful to spend time with her own children. Bet you can't guess what rank she wears? Sometimes (okay... a lot of the time) I really hate my job. I don't hate the kids. I LOVE and adore (most) of the kids in my class as if they were my own. I hate certain parents and how they raise their children and I hate other managerial aspects.

In other news, Thayer was diagnosed today with asthma. Some people don't know, but you can't join the military if you have asthma and they usually don't let you stay in if you develop it. The doctors think that he developed it while over in Iraq when he was working around the burn pits. Right now, all of our plans are going down the shitter and I'm beyond stressed. Thayer was supposed to leave active duty and not re-enlist active duty this summer. He was going to join the Air Force Reserves while he used his GI Bill to go to school. Now none of that can happen. So I'm stressed about trying to find a teaching job so we can be sure to have insurance. I'm stressed about moving because he might get out early through medical separation. We just don't know anything and we have no answers. People up here are incredibly slow about everything and it is so frustrating. I'm so tired of being a military wife and having to go through the run around all the damn time. I'm OVER it. I just want everything to go as planned, meaning I have to get my portfolio set up to hopefully land a teaching job. I have to figure out what's going to go on with my own schooling because if we move I can't finish this spring. I already know I have to put that off because I can't leave right in the middle of my internship or I'll fail the course. I'm so OVER having the military dictate my life. Only a few more months!

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Emotional, Less Squishy!

So I have good news to report. I am now down 33 pounds! I'm steadily getting less squishy, so that makes me happy.

I've been pretty emotional lately. I'm not really sure why. I'm thinking about going back on happy pills since we aren't going to be TTC until at least September of next year. In some ways that seems so far away. It's so hard not to think about having a baby when it's something you've tried for over two years to have. It's so hard to put a dream on hold. I know I'm taking a positive, a HUGE positive step forward that will change the rest of my life. I keep trying to stay positive, and I think I've done pretty well. Last week, admittedly, was difficult. There were a lot of reasons. I was PMSing. (AF came yesterday.) There was a lot of baby news from announcements, births, baby showers, etc. It was a little overwhelming. Don't get me wrong. I'm happy for them, but sad for myself. I hope that makes sense. I can't help wonder if and when it will finally be my time. I got a glimpse of my dream coming true, only to have it torn from me. I want to feel that glow and utter contentedness again. I was so unbelievably happy for that short amount of time. It's hard to see everyone else getting to realize your one and only dream. At this point in my life, I have achieved almost everything I've wanted and set out to do. The only thing remaining is to become a mother. I've gone to college. I have a Bachelor's degree. I'm now ONE semester away from completing my Master's. I'm married. We're financially stable. We have it all. I've done it all. There's only one thing left on this Earth that I want. Maybe that's why it's so difficult.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Glad This Week Is Over. Period.

For lots of reasons I have had a very rough week. It's just a lot of little things piling up and feeling like I have no where to turn.

First of all, things have been really rocky with Thayer and I. We've been having a lot, and I mean A LOT of issues. We're considering marriage counseling, even though I believe counselors are mostly quacks. I've never really had a good experience with one except when I was in elementary school. I'm not sure what the best solution will be. I don't want to give up because it's worth the fight. Just some of the things that have happened, wow.

I've been having trouble dealing with my surgery and the common side effects. It's making beyond frustrated to feel this tired all the time. You would think that dropping 30 pounds would give you more energy, but every day I feel like I've ran a 5k marathon. I talked to the surgeon when I had my 6 week check on Thursday, but he said it was normal because my body is trying to learn how to sustain itself from itself. Because I eat so little, I'm living off of the stuff that already exists in my body. It hasn't been fun. It hasn't been easy. I've encountered a few food that have made my tummy upset, but I've done  good with most foods. Today I ate half a lean pocket and boy was I a sick chica for a while. So needless to day, I've been irritated by not having any energy and feeling tired all the time.

I've also had some issues with dealing with my infertility. Just a lot has happened this week to remind me over and over again what a failure I am. It's been really hard to look at the bright side of things this week. Lately it's been really hard to deal with the fact that we can't even think about trying for another 11 months. I can't help but think about my baby. I would be almost full term now. I know I should look at the "good" things in my life. And believe me I try... but sometimes it's hard. Really Hard. Unless you've been through infertility and/or miscarriage I just can't explain it. There's just something about remembering the due date or seeing different things at Facebook that just tears at your heart.

I've also been really homesick. I miss my friends back home. There's just something about having someone you feel comfortable around no matter what and you know you can call at any time. There's just something about someone you've known for most of your life that can't be replaced. I may not talk to them all the time, but I know they love and care about me no matter what happens.

All in all... I've felt very irritated, frustrated, alone, upset, sad, run down, etc. Oh... and to top it off I'm PMSing because it's about that time. Yay! *rolls eyes*

Sorry for the depressing, bitchy blog... but yeah.

Friday, October 21, 2011

Just Because You Popped it Out Your Vag...

Doesn't mean you KNOW everything.

I'm so SICK of women with children saying that people without children know NOTHING about them. Um... really? There are plenty of people in this world that have popped a child out of their vagina that know NOTHING about raising it. Giving birth doesn't make you a good parent. Just because I haven't given birth doesn't mean I don't know a lot about it. I guarantee I know more about raising a child than half the people in this world that are actually raising one.

I've taken countless classes on child development and psychology through both my Bachelor's and Master's in EDUCATION. hmmm education... doesn't that have to deal with children? Oh... and lets not forget all the babysitting I did when I was younger. And OMG... I work at a daycare. Bet I've learned NOTHING about raising children. I've actually learned a lot about what NOT to do.

Just because a person is reproductively challenged, doesn't mean they don't know how a child should or shouldn't eat. It doesn't mean a person doesn't know the importance of a child having structure and a routine (which is SEVERELY lacking in the lives of many children on this base.)

I'm not saying I know everything, because surely I do not. People with children don't know everything either. I just hate that people discount the advice from people without children simply because they've never popped a child out of their vagina.

**end rant**

Monday, October 17, 2011

That Time Again...

Thursday I go back to Bismarck for my 6 week post-op check. I'm going to be sure to talk to them about my energy level. I hope that they will run some labs to make sure I'm not getting anemic or completely dehydrated. I knew it would take a while to bounce back, but working has been really difficult. Even after a 6 hour shift I'm beat and come home and take an hour long nap then go to bed at about 10pm. I want to be able to exercise more, but it's so difficult when I'm worn out from just going to work. Granted, I have a fairly physical job. Taking care of 10 one year olds with one other person isn't always an easy task. Hopefully by the time Thursday rolls around I will be at my 30lb mark. I'm just about there; only a pound and a half to go. I'm trying to think of something to do in Bismarck so I'm not just driving for 2 hours for a 30 minute appointment then driving another 2 hours home. I think I'll hit up Petco. I can't/refuse to do any clothes shopping. Lots of people keep telling me that I need to go out and just buy new clothes (some of the ones I have are starting to look baggy and not so hot). If I go out and spend money on new clothes I'll just have to do the same thing again in a month or two. That adds up to a lot of money REALLY fast. I think it's pointless to go buy new clothes at this point. Not when I have another 70+ pounds to go until my goal. I think it would be awesome if I met and exceeded my goal. I really really want my weight to level out around a year mark of post-op. As soon as my weight stabilizes we can go back to TTC. Time will tell I suppose. There's no way to hurry it up. I just gotta keep doing what I'm doing.

In other news... (yes... the following paragraph is bitching)
I just want to say that it REALLY REALLY annoys me when people say they are going to do something then don't do it or don't show up. It's rude. If you say you're going to do something then do it. It's not that difficult. I also am extremely annoyed by people who are CONSTANTLY late. Late for anything, work, get togethers... etc. What makes them think they're more important than everyone else? It just seems that way. Oh look... I'm more important so you have to wait around on my slow ass. I was always taught... if you're early your on time, if you're on time you're late. lol ok... that's enough bitching for tonight.

Sunday, October 16, 2011


Today was Thayer and I's third anniversary. Three years down and we're both still alive. I do believe that is quite an accomplishment. Looking back on the last three years, we have definitely had our shares of ups and downs. We are not, by far, perfect, but we work hard to stay together. Not only are we a military family, which brings with it it's own set of complications. (Other military spouses know what I'm talking about.) We've had to deal with infertility, which is a heartbreak every month. Then we've also had to deal with a miscarriage, which was very hard on both of us, though Thayer didn't really let a lot of it show. We live in a place that neither of us really like. We've dealt with his family, especially his father. His father basically disowned him because he married me. We hear from the rest of his family maybe once or twice a year. It makes him so upset that they don't call, especially during hard times. They didn't even call when we had the flood up here that made national news. They don't know whether we live in town or on base, etc. It really hurt him that they didn't even bother to call and check, when I had several conversations with my family about it. That's just the tip of the iceberg. With a lot of things we've been through we should have sank like the Titanic. I simply think we're both too hard headed to give up or give in. So here we are, three years down the road and still married. I know many people thought we wouldn't last a year, let alone this long. We'll show them! Many people thought we were crazy for starting to date in July, engaged in September, then married in October. I guess sometimes you just know what's right. So far this is "just right."

So here's to Thayer and I. Three years and still going strong!

Engagement Picture!

Our Elopement Wedding in the Japanese Stroll Garden. Springfield, MO

Our Elopement Wedding in the Japanese Stroll Garden. Springfield, MO

Our Formal Wedding. June 5, 2009

Our Formal Wedding. June 5, 2009

Our Formal Wedding. June 5, 2009

Our Formal Wedding. June 5, 2009

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Husband Vent.

So... things have been kinda rocky in life lately. I'm not really sure what it is. Maybe because my body is in turmoil. Maybe because my head is in turmoil. I really don't have the slightest clue. In many ways I'm not being myself, and that bothers me.

Thayer and I have been going through a rough patch for a couple of weeks now. He's PMSing and I'm just bitchy a lot. Obviously that makes for a bad combination. Don't get me wrong, he was great right after I had my surgery... then he started to be not so great. Instead of helping me around the house he was constantly on his computer because he was on leave and that gave him the right to do whatever he wanted to do with little regard for me. Needless to say this led to a fight. Hell... he did it today again. He's spent a total of maybe 30 minutes with me all day today. I don't know what to do to fix it. I've asked him to play games with me. That's a no go. I've asked him nicely to spend time with me. I'm ignored. I'm just at my wits end and want to bash his computer apart. He wants a new video card for the computer so he can play his games better. Hmmm I wonder why I keep telling him no? I'm SICK of working full time, going to school, and doing EVERYTHING around this house when all he does is go to work 8-9 hours a day. Things are not equal and that's really starting to get to me too. I feel taken advantage of. I feel used. I feel like I'm just here to be at his beck and call. It's so incredibly frustrating. Sure, I didn't mind that when I wasn't working. I did it because that was my job. Keeping the house clean and food on the table was my JOB. Now that we're both working full time things should be more divided but they aren't and I fear they never will be. I feel like I'm raising a 25 year old child. I'm sorry, that's not my job. It's even harder for me to get everything done now because I'm tired ALL THE TIME. I eat/drink about 600 calories a day. That's it. On top of that I exercise so my body has what 450 calories a day to function. That's not a whole lot in the grand scheme of things. That's like one McDonald's hamburger worth of energy a day.

Friday, October 7, 2011


So... I know there are certainly some people in this world that think I'm a bitch. Yep, I sure can be one. I'm not denying that at all. Everyone has their moments. Frankly, I don't give a crap if a few people in this world don't like me. No sweat off my back, ya know?

I know that my real friends and good family members (yeah.. I have a few family members that aren't so hot) know the real me and what a great person I am. That being said... I want to share to amazing reasons why I'm a great person. Yes... damn it... I am tooting my own horn.

I've always been involved in charities. Since moving to Minot, I have found it hard to find something I loved and cared enough about to go out and support with all my heart and soul. It was a lot easier to do back home where I had connections or even on campus at Missouri State because there were so many wonderful volunteer opportunities. I used to be involved in everything possible. Why not? I usually didn't have anything better to do and helping people gave me peace. It was good Karma! :)  Like I said, after moving to Minot I just couldn't sink my teeth into anything then I had a LIGHT BULB!.... and then ANOTHER LIGHT BULB! What better way to give back than to help women and families going through exactly what I'm going through!

Light Bulb Numero Uno -- Sock it to Infertility
"Sock It" was a project that I started during National Infertility Awareness week. I collected socks to mail out to women going through infertility treatments. Originally it was just going to be for a short time, but I decided to keep it going. Currently I have sent socks to 28 states and 5 countries other than the United States. I have received a great deal of love from my recipients. In each package I send a short, heartfelt letter and a pair of funky socks. Socks, as many of my followers know because they are infertile themselves, are about the only clothes you can wear when you're getting your hoo-haw poked and prodded. Honestly, they just help you feel better. For more information about the program or to donate (I'm actually running low on socks) or to receive a pair of socks... VISIT: Sock it to Infertility

Light Bulb Numero Dos -- Too Beautiful For Earth - A Remembrance Ceremony
I started this event on Facebook for residents of the Air Force base I reside at. As most of my followers know, I have struggled not only to get pregnant, but also through the loss of my first and only pregnancy after over 2 years of trying. Losing a child, not matter when it happens, is heartbreaking. It is something most people can't even begin to comprehend unless they've been in your shoes. I know far too many women at my base that have been in my shoes, and some of them multiple times. October isn't just Breast Cancer Awareness Month... it is also Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Month, as proclaimed by Ronald Reagan in 1988. Reagan said, "When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When a parent loses their child, there isn't a word to describe them." October 15th is the day when people around the world light a sea of candles at 7pm in remembrance of all the babies lost. Most people don't realize that 25% of pregnancies end in loss.

Anywho... The ceremony is something I know will help me heal. I hope that it will help others heal. I hope that it will help others see that they are NOT alone. People don't have to struggle alone. They don't have to cry alone. There is a whole community of us that have experienced the same thing and we should have a day where we can come together, cry and remember our babies. My baby was a person. I love her from the moment I got that positive test and I thought my heart would never ever stop breaking. I said goodbye to baby Hope a little over 6 months ago... and not a day goes by that I don't think of her. November 11th is going to be a extremely difficult day for me. That's the day my angel should have came into this world. Instead I will still be sitting here with empty arms.

If you'd like more info on the ceremony visit "Too Beautiful for Earth - A Remembrance Ceremony"

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Judgmental Much?

One thing I'm finding is how judgmental people are of individuals that have had weight loss surgery. I guess it kind of goes along the same lines as people being judgmental of those that are overweight. Everyone assumes that people are overweight because 1. they're lazy, 2. they have no self-control, 3. they don't eat healthy and eat mostly junk food.... The list of assumptions goes on and on. People don't stop to consider there may be a medical condition underlying their weight. It could be a thyroid issue. It could be PCOS, which is an endocrine disorder. It could be any variety of different reasons. I'm not denying there are overweight people that are lazy, have no self-control, and eat nothing but crap. That, however, is not the case for everyone. For over a year I ate between 1500 and 1800 calories. I also tried to, more often than not, eat healthy foods. Lots of fruit/veggies, good protein, whole grains.... etc. Additionally, I exercised on top of having a fairly active job. I guess if you want to call that lazy and lacking in self-control then go right on ahead and do so.

Now I'm finding there are people that judge those that have gastric bypass in the same negative light. People think it's the easy way out. (Not so.) People think that those that have it are again, lazy. (Not so.) Some people don't have any other option. Some people work their ass off to lose weight, like me, and have NOTHING to show for it. I wish some people could take a minute to get off their high horse and step down to earth and take a walk in someone else's shoes for a change. Maybe I never should have started writing about my surgery journey. Maybe I should have just kept it all a secret and just let people assume I was losing weight the old fashioned way (which didn't work for me). It's so annoying to have people look down on you. It makes me sad.

Friday, September 30, 2011

Yay for Mommy Time!

So I've been on a bit of blogging break. My mom got here Tuesday night and we've been having fun hanging out. I love my mommy and I can't wait until this summer so I can live closer to her and the rest of my family (well... some of them.) Admittedly, there isn't a whole lot to do around here, but we're definitely making the best of it.

Things are going great surgery wise. I still haven't had any problems with any food. I'm still losing weight. I've been pretty tired as of late. I usually take a nap everyday. I really have to start stopping that. Part of it is because I haven't been able to get all my vitamins filled because they don't carry them on base and I forget to take them into town with me when I go.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Better than I Thought

So... tomorrow will mark 3 weeks since surgery. As of a few days ago I'm down 20.5 pounds. I haven't weighed myself in a couple of days and I know I'm a bit bloated because AF should be showing up any time now.

Looking back at the journey I've had thus far, I can honestly say it has been 100 times easier than I thought it would be. I haven't had any complications. I rarely feel hungry. I literally have to remind myself to eat. I haven't had trouble with any foods so far. I'm starting to really get my strength back. I go back to work next week and I'm sure that will make me pretty tired. Chasing a bunch of one year olds after surgery is sure to tucker a person out. Surprisingly, I'm doing okay with the not being able to try for a baby thing. I thought I would have more trouble, and maybe as time progresses I will. As of right now, I'm so delighted when I step on the scale that I forget about it. I know I did the right thing. I know I will be healthier in the long run. Isn't that what we all want? To be healthy and happy for our children.

I know November is going to be a bit rough. My due date is fast approaching for when Baby Hope would have been born. It's a day that will forever be in my memory 11/11/11. It also happens to be Veteran's Day. I've been invited to a couple of baby showers around the time of my due date. I think I'm just going to have to tell them I can't go. Sure, I will feel like a bad friend. Other people will probably think I'm a bitch. At this point I think my own personal happiness and sanity is much more important. I have to stay positive. I have to keep moving forward. No regrets... just the road ahead of me.

Also, Thayer and I's third anniversary is less than a month away. I can't believe it has already been three years. We've been through a lot... a LOT. Infertility, miscarriage, major surgery, military... the list goes on and on. Honestly, I think we are 100% stronger for all that we've been through. Yes we fight. Sure we're not perfect. But I think we're perfect for each other. Sometimes we get on each others nerves. Sometimes we yell. But in the end we always kiss and make up and everything is okay. I love Thayer and I'm not sure what I would do without him by my side.

Sunday, September 25, 2011


So... yesterday was an eventful day. I went to the Fall Festival on base and worked the MESC booth for about 3 hours. It was pretty hot out. Then I went home and took a nap. Martha and Crystal woke me up and we went to Hobby Lobby to shop. After shopping, we met a couple of friends at the bowling alley downtown and bowled 3 games. Yep... I overdid it. After I got home I felt like I got hit by a truck. I know I need to start really getting my strength back. I'll be going back to work in a week and a half and it's not always easy keeping up with ten 1 year olds. I thought I could handle it because I had been doing so well, but I pushed it a little to far. I felt much better today, however. I did a good portion of my homework and I helped Thayer clean the house. My mom will be here Tuesday night!

Wednesday, September 21, 2011


So tomorrow Thayer and I are driving to Bismarck so I can have my post-op recheck. I think things are going splendid. Nothing I've eaten so far has given me any trouble. I'm now able to eat foods that are easy to chew so I can make sure I'm chewing them up really well. The only concern I have that I'm going to bring up is by one of my incision sites I feel a pain like something is pulling when I move around too much. I'm not sure if I just over did it yesterday with all the cleaning and scrubbing I did or of there is something amiss. I'll just be sure to have them check it out.

As of this morning I am down *DRUM ROLL PLEASE* 19.6 pounds!


Seeing the pounds steadily drop is making dealing with not being able to try for a baby a lot easier. I know my time will come. Every day I step on that scale and see a difference is one day closer to me having a HEALTHY pregnancy... and a HEALTHY baby. Sometimes I got so caught up in wanting to have a baby with my husband that I forgot about all the risks of being overweight and pregnant. It will be so nice not to have to worry about that. It will also reduce my chance of miscarriage because being overweight increases it as well as having PCOS. I will have eliminated one of those obstacles and my PCOS will more than likely disappear when I hit my goal weight! So... here's to the road ahead. Life is a highway and I know I'll eventually reach my desired destination!!

Friday, September 16, 2011

538 Days

So... 18 months after my surgery... Approximately 538 days from today...  Thayer and I can start trying for a baby again. In some ways that seems like forever, especially when you've spent the last 2 1/2ish years trying to conceive and have a healthy baby. In other ways, I know my body is going through a stressful time and I know the end result from the surgery will be amazing. I won't have to worry about all the complications (and there are TON) that come with being overweight and pregnant. I won't have to worry about my health as I age. Women who have PCOS are more likely to develope diabetes, especially if they're overweight. Basically I just did something amazing for Thayer and I's future. Some days it is hard to see it that way. Some days I still cry for the baby that should have been born in just a couple of months. I just have to keep looking at the positive right? I just have to keep moving forward. As of this morning I am down about 14lbs. That's.... AWESOME. That is over 10% of what I hoped to lose. I'm going to try... I mean I REALLY need to try and limit myself to only weighing once a week. I just get so excited and it is so much easier to look at the positive of this time off TTC when I see those numbers dropping every day. Over on the right hand side of my blog I'm keeping a ticker of my weightloss as well so I can keep track of my progress!

Surgery and stomach wise things are going better than I honestly thought they would. Today I went to the BX and we bought some items for my mom's visit. She's arriving on the 26th! I got on the elliptical for a few minutes and I also tried some new foods in my new stomach. Today I tried Broccoli, Cheese, and Potato soup, Mac & Cheese, and orange juice. I haven't had a problem eating anything thus far. I'm so ready to have some chicken with some buffalo sauce, but I know that's a long time coming. It will taste soooo amazing when I get there. Oh and I really want a Chicken Ceasar Wrap from Rockers. I just have to keep following my rules. I don't want to mess this up!

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

It's Been One Week (Almost)

Tomorrow will mark one week since my surgery. In the last week I have lost 9.4lbs. Pretty nifty huh? Part of that is the surgery and part of that is the only thing I'm consuming is apple juice, water, chicken broth, and jello. mmm yummy right? Tomorrow will be a big day for me. I get to start eating pureed food (think baby food). I'm so ready to have something more. Since surgery I haven't felt hungry and that seems really weird.

Surgery Story!

So I checked into the hospital Tueday night just after midnight. They required me to take a shower with their "special" soap to prep me for surgery the next morning. They then went over a lot of information and I signed a lot of papers.  The nurse also started my IV which took 2 pokes in my left forearm and digging around... when that was no good then poked the top of my hand by my wrist. They also weighed me. This took a while. I finally got to sleep around 3am. Sleeping was pretty difficult because I was anxious, worried, etc.

Wednesday morning around 9am a nurse came in and told me they would be down in a couple of minutes to take me to surgery. Sure enough about 10 minutes later they were there to wheel me down. I kissed Thayer goodbye and off he went to the waiting room. I went to pre-op where I waited around for about 30 minutes before being transported to the OR. They situated me on the operating table, gave me the goofy lalaland shot (if you've ever had surgery you know what I'm talking about) and I was out like a light. The next thing I know I'm waking up in recovery. The nurse asks me how I'm feeling and I told her I hurt. She asked me every couple of minutes how I was feeling and I kept saying that I hurt. Finally she popped off "Well of course you hurt. You just had surgery." If I knew the bitches name..... Anywho, after I was semi-coherent they wheeled me back to my room where Thayer was waiting for me with flowers. Most of the rest the day is pretty fuzzy as I slept most of it. At the end of the surgery I had a catheter, 6 incisions all from 1/2 to 3/4in long between my chest and belly button, and a drain tube coming out of my abdomen.

Thursday.  At this point I'm still on my pain drip (yay for morphine!) I was allowed to get up in my room that day. I sat in the recliner twice for about 30 minutes. I was super drowsy still from the pain meds. I was also able to start on clear liquids again.

Friday. Today was a rough day. They came and took my catheter out so I now had to get up to go to the bathroom. Getting up when lying down when you have your stomach cut open in 6 places isn't exactly a joy ride. They also took my morphine drip away and I was required to get up and walk laps around the halls at least 4 times. It was a painful day. I also started to spike a fever which by the end of the day had gone back down.

Saturday. I got to go home! I was doing well with my liquids. So they sent me on my way at about 11:30am. We stopped in Minot at CVS to fill my pain meds and other prescriptions. By the time we got home (I think Thayer chose the bumpiest road in Minot) I was almost in tears with the pain. I laid down on the couch and that's where I've been pretty much since.

Today - Tuesday again! :)  If I'm sitting or partially reclined I can get up on my own with little to no pain. If I'm laying down I still need help from the husband with the *big* (giggle) guns. (If you know my husband you know how not big his guns are). I've been doing good keeping my liquids down. I've only had a few bouts of nausea and that is mostly when taking my medications.

Anywho... 6 days post op and I'm already almost down 10lbs. I'm ready to get out and get moving again but I know the healing process will take a bit.

On a super awesome side note!!! My MOMMY is coming to visit me at the end of the month. I'm super excited to see her. I know it hasn't been that long since I was home in July but sometimes a girl just needs here mommy and after having my stomach cut apart and flip flopped all around and put (kinda) back together I deserve some momma time!

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Hold Fast to Dreams

He Wishes for the Cloths of Heaven
By William Butler Yeats

Had I the heaven's embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,

I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

by Langston Hughes

Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.

Hold fast to dreams
For when dreams go
Life is a barren field
Frozen with snow.

For years and years I have loved poetry. I love to read it. I love to interpret it. I love to write it. Poems can bring out so much. They can open up emotional barriers, tear down guarded walls. Poems can leave you raw and renewed. Maybe it's because I have an English degree. Poetry has always been an escape for me. A way to release what is inside so it doesn't continue to bring me down.

Right now I feel lost. I feel a bit helpless. I feel scared. I feel angry and certainly a bit bitter. I feel like my dreams are slipping away and I feel unsure how to hold onto them. I can't simply cast them aside and forget. The last almost 2 and a half years DID happen. Infertility happened to me. I had a baby who was all mine and went to heaven all too soon. I can't forget. I will never forget... but how do I move on? How do I go forward with this surgery? I won't be a mother until I'm nearly 30... that wasn't my plan, my dream. How did things get so messed up? Sure, I have a good life. I have a good husband, a good house, enough money. I don't really want for anything save a child of my very own. I just don't know how to shelve my dreams and watch them come true for others, knowing that I can't even TRY.

Now I feel like I'm rambling so I'll bring this to a close... Thank you to all of you that have/do support me. I don't know where I would be without you and your words of encouragement and understanding. <3

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Turning on the Light

Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness. ~Chinese Proverb

Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you. ~Maori Proverb

I'm really trying... DESPERATELY trying to find the good in life right now. I cried for the first time in about a month tonight. I started spotting so my hopes and dreams of becoming a mother now must be shelved for almost two years. For almost two and a half years we have worked, cried, timed intercourse, cried some more, had invasive procedure after invasive procedure.... all in hopes of becoming parents. I've watched countless people forge ahead with their dreams of becoming parents while I'm left just waiting in the wings crying. Now I know I will have to endure this pain for another 2 years without any hopes of becoming pregnant. We can't even try. It's hard to put your dreams on a shelf and just forget about them. It's hard to walk away from something you want so badly. It's hard to watch other's living YOUR dream... and it's especially hard to watch those people who really shouldn't be parents (for whatever reason) living your dream. It's hard to tell you're husband that you failed once again. That's what I feel like. Every month I get to feel like a failure, like I'm not worthy of my husband's love because I can't have his children. How will I go on? How will I keep my head up throughout all of this? I have NO idea. I really don't know where to even start. I guess I just have to keep looking at the positive. I have never, ever been an optimist. In fact, I've been a pessimist for as long as I can remember... so I guess I will have to turn over a new leaf as well.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

People Frustrate Me..

So back in April I started "Sock It To Infertility." I had people (many wonderful people) donate socks to me to mail out to ladies with fertility issues. Lately I have become very frustrated with it. I have gotten a few almost nasty email from people who asked me for socks and haven't gotten them yet. I mean really? You're getting free socks that are supposed to be inspirational to you. I'm doing this at my own expense. It costs me $1.50-$2.00 to mail out each pair and that comes out of MY pocket. Plus... the base post office is ONLY open when I'm at work so I can only really mail them out on Saturday. Hmmm lets think about it. We had a HUGE natural disaster which made getting to the post office almost impossible. I wasn't going to fight the huge crowd of 10,000 homeless evacuees trying to get their mail, and I wasn't going to fight the traffic for 2 or more hours. Then when things started to get a little better here I went on vacation for 2 weeks. Now I'm dealing with having surgery and being out of commission for 3-4 weeks. People can just get mad I guess. Whatever. I'm over it.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Temp Still Up... we'll take that as a good sign!

So... We're in the middle of the waiting game once again. Did the Clomid make me have a good egg? Did Thayer's little Airmen (bwahaha he would kill me if he knew I wrote that... but I can't call them soldiers) make there way to my awaiting egg? We find out next Friday or Saturday when AF is due to show up. I've been taking my BBT and it has stayed elevated so I will take that as a good sign. My "normal" temp is 97.9 and I've been running 98.5 since ovulation. I know it is supposed to stay elevated until 10+ days after ovulation but usually mine is starting to drop by now. Today is 9 days past ovulation. Either way... I know over the next few months I'm in for one hell of a ride. If we don't get a BFP, my surgery date is still set for Sept. 7th. (PS you can send me flowers :) I will be in there until the 11th baring no complications. I'm starting to get a little scared/anxious/nervous about it now. It's really scary being up here and having this done with just Thayer. As much as I love him... he's not my mommy. I know he'll try his best... but y'all know how men are sometimes. Anywho... cheers to high temps!

Thursday, August 25, 2011

RIP 4 years....

Kimberly Rose Mallatt
October 21, 1975 - August 25, 2007

I can't believe it has already been four years since my sister was killed.

Four years ago today a horrible man took it upon himself to end my sister's life.

Most of my life my sister's and I didn't have a good relationship. Maybe it was age. Maybe it was that we had different mothers (and they didn't like mine). Who knows? Things were finally starting to get better with my sister Kim. While she was on the wagon, things were improving so dramatically. Then poof... someone snuffed her life out. The man that killed my sister is still at large. The Wichita PD did a horrible... BEYOND horrible job handling her case. It's difficult to comprehend that this murder is still at large. He's still out walking around enjoying his life, doing whatever he wants while an entire family greives for the loss of a sister, daughter, and now, aunt. It's sad that Kimani will never know his aunt Kimmie. It's sad that my children will never know her either. It's sad that she never got to have children of her own or live out the rest of her life.

Really and truly... Time does not heal all wounds; it just teaches us to deal with the pain.

Kim when she was little.

L to R: Heather, me, and Kim one year for Halloween

Sunday, August 21, 2011


I don't know how many times some ignorant or possibly simply insensitive person has said to me, "Well, why don't you just adopt?"  Like I should just give up on myself and my husband. So... how about I lay it all out on the page here the reasons we are not even considering adoption at this point.

Right now, adoption is not for us. Plain and simple. I'm only 26 and my husband is only 25. Why would we choose adoption when we have many good childbearing years ahead of us to try? Is it so wrong of us to want to have a child of our very own? A child with his eyes and my nose? When did that become a capital offense?

Why would we all of a sudden jump to adoption when we've only tried ONE yes... ONE fertility treatment? We have only ever been put on Clomid and guess what ladies and gentlemen! We got pregnant on it! Why would we choose adoption when we know that it is entirely possible for me to get pregnant? Even if Clomid never works again there are a plethora of other medications and other treatments available to help those dealing with infertilty. Why wouldn't we try those? Why wouldn't we do everything in our power to have a child of our own? Most parents say they would do ANYTHING for their child(ren). Well... most infertiles would do anything for the THOUGHT of a child... for the THOUGHT of becoming a mother and holding their baby, a product of love, in their arms.

Maybe the people who say these comments doesn't realize how EXPENSIVE adoption is. Maybe they don't realize all the hoops you have to jump through and how much more those are complicated by being a military family. Domestic adoption can cost upwards of $30,000. So... maybe these people that say "Just adopt" should shell out the cash and give a needy child a home as well. Adoption after being foster parent to a child is cheaper... but many states will not allow a military family to be foster parents. I'm not even sure I could emotionally handle being a foster parent. (More info on adoption costs.)

Another reason is we're not sure adoption would ever be a choice for us. We are considering surrogacy before we ever think of adopting a child. This is our choice. Again... is it so wrong for us to want a child that is our own flesh and blood? Yes, I know there are thousands upon thousands of needy children out there in the United States and the world. But why shouldn't we have the right to have and raise our family the way we CHOOSE just as fertile couples do?

Adoption is a last choice for us... and that's just it! It's our choice! I know right now you're thinking "Holy cow Mary... who ever heard of the freedom of CHOICE in the United States?"  Sorry... being facetious.

As long as we have the money to pay for treatments we will try to have our own child. It is our right to decide how to have and raise our family, just as it is the right of any fertile couple. We aren't ready to lay down and be defeated. We aren't ready to throw in the towel on Thayer cooing over my growing belly as I am pregnant. We aren't ready to back down, and we won't back down from infertility without a damn good fight. Thayer and I want to have a child of our very own that is our flesh and blood. There is nothing wrong with that.

By the way, I'm not trying to offend anyone that has adopted or is adopted. After we have a child or two of our own we would like to adopt a child, possibly one with special needs. We simply want to experience pregnancy, child birth, and all the ups and downs of having a child of our own.

Also... to quote the Infertility Etiquette handbook -- "Don't Push Adoption (Yet) - Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point.


So my blog has topped 13000 views. That's a whole lot of people reading what I have to say. Maybe I've educated some people about infertility and life as an USAF wife. Maybe some people know a little more than they did before about the emotional struggle that accompanies infertility and pregnancy loss. I started my blog as a place to share my thoughts, vent, and just generally get my feels out. I've always been better at writing things out to express myself than having an actual conversation. I think my blog has turned into more than just a "journal" for me. I hope people find strength in my words. I hope other infertile women (and men) see that they aren't alone in their stuggles, emotions, etc. That is my hope. I want to reach out to others and share with them my ups and downs. I'm not scared to post anything. I don't fear stepping on people's toes.

Infertility is a crazy rollar coaster. Each month the cycle of depression starts again. Every month the pain is renewed. It's not something you can escape. It's not even really something you can learn to live with. It's something that takes work... every day of every month. It breaks up marriages or it can bring couples closer. People's words can hurt even if they aren't really meaning it. Everyone should go read Infertility Etiquette.

Friday, August 19, 2011

I Raped My Husband... bwahahaha

So today is cycle day 17. I ovulated today. Got an almost positive on the OPK, but I felt it in my side that I did ovulate. That's the one nice thing about feeling like I got stabbed with an ice pick. I know exactly when I ovulate or if I ovulate each month. But really... it does hurt.  lol Thayer claims (jokingly) that I raped him and emotionally scarred him because I (semi) made him have sex today. I mean, unless I was on top it isn't rape right? Not like I had to tie him to the bed! Sorry if all this is TMI... oh well... a lot of my blogs are.

So, now the waiting begins. We will know in approximately 14 days if I am pregnant this cycle. If I am not, then I go through with gastric bypass on Sept. 7th. I'm starting to get a little more freaked out about it. I had to write a living will. That was kinda scary.

Thayer's not sure he wants me to get pregnant, which kind of hurt my feelings... a lot. He said he wished we weren't even trying (though a month ago he was completely on board). He is scared that if I get pregnant again that we will lose another baby. Don't get me wrong, I'm unbelieveably scared about that scenario as well. He says he doesn't want to put our relationship through that stress if we don't have to. He knows the odds are definitely more in our favor of having a successful pregnancy after surgery. I just wish he could understand my feelings of wanting to give it one last try before having to give up trying for 18 months. I wish he could understand how hard it is and heartbreaking it is every time someone else announces that they are pregnant. We should be parents already, but here we are. I'm taking medicines that make me sick and potentially having a life altering surgery just in HOPES of becoming parents. I mean, what if the surgery doesn't help. What if my PCOS is just as bad? That could happen. There are no guarantees. I just wish I could get something right for once. I just want to do what is best for myself, my husband, my future children... etc. I just don't know what that is at this point. I was probably being selfish trying this one last month to get pregnant. Okay... fine... I was selfish... but after over 2 years of trying I think I deserve to do one thing that I want.

Okay... onto other things in the world of Mary. I have a job interview Monday afternoon that I'm super excited about. I really really hope that I get it because I'm so sick of working at the Child Development Center here on the AF base. This new job will allow me to work with kids with special needs. That's something I'm passionate about. I'm also officially 3 classes away from completing my Master's in Special Education. If I get this new job I will probably postpone finishing school and graduation until December 2012... but if I don't get the job I will quit at the CDC (if possible) in January so I can complete my internship (aka student teaching). If I do this, then I will graduate in May 2012. Lots of possibilities on the horizon for me. I'm almost through all of the hoops to get both my Missouri state and North Dakota state teaching certificate.