Hope's Birthday

November 11th, 2011... 11/11/11... that was the day my life was supposed to change forever. That was the day Thayer and I's first baby was due. That was the day that we were supposed to become parents. That never happened. Instead God needed another little angel. Baby Hope was too beautiful for this earth and grew wings much too early. My life was forever changed. From the moment I saw that positive pregnancy test I was a mother. It took me 2 years to see those 2 pink lines. I thought for sure in 9 months we would hold our miracle. God had a different plan. I never knew how much I could love until I knew there was a baby growing inside of me. I had a whole new perspective. I will never forget our first child. I know she is up in heaven looking down on her little brothers. One day, when the time is right, the boys will know about their older sister. When the time is right they will know about all the fertility issues and how much we wanted and loved them before they were ever born.

 

It's been over 2 years since we lost Baby Hope, but on days like today I still listen to songs that remind me of that time and I still shed a few tears. Yes, as time passes it gets easier. I do know that it took me a long time, majority of my pregnancy with the twins, to bond with them. I struggled with getting close to them and feeling attached because I thought for sure, at any moment they would be taken away from me as well. Even after they were born and in the NICU, I struggled with bonding with them. I was just so scared to let myself feel all that love again, only to lose possibly lose them.

2 year Angel-versary

Yesterday was baby Hope's 2 year angel-versary. Luckily I was able to keep my mind on a lot of other things.

First we had a doctor's appointment for the boys. We got to hear their heartbeats with the doppler and found out that I'm measuring at 26 weeks for belly size.

Then Thayer and I had a date day, and it will probably be one of our last. We went to lunch and to a movie. Lunch was good. The movie, however, was a huge disappointment. I really love the book "The Host" but the movie was exceedingly boring.

I will never forget our first baby, but having the boys this year did make it easier. I could concentrate on them and not on being sad. I've come a long ways since the day and even year we said goodbye to her. Now I know that my sons will always have a sibling up in heaven watching out for them.

So... here's to you Baby Hope... gone, never forgotten, and forever in our hearts!

Hodge Podge

This blog is going to be a hodge podge of a little bit of everything that has happened recently.

This last weekend I went home by myself for a weekend with the girls and a break from the husband. It was great! On Thursday I drove up and that evening I just hung out with my parents and nephew. Then on Friday I got up and went into town to shop with my mom. I bought some movies and we went to lunch at a Greek restaurant. The food was really tasty. Friday night was when a lot of the fun happened. I cut loose and forgot about everything in life. We went to see a male "revue" show put on by former Chippendale dancers called "Fifty Shades of Men"... think Magic Mike live. It was lot of fun! Then we went out dancing at a couple of clubs. By the end of the night I was barely walking straight, I was so drunk. At the club I had a couple of drinks bought for me and danced with a random guy. It helped my confidence a little. It's nice to know someone other than my husband finds me at least a little bit attractive. After drinking we went out to IHOP and more mayhem ensued. :) I was a night I won't forget for a LOOOONG time! Then Saturday I went out to dinner with a friend I've known since I was 3. Later, she and I went over to another friend from middle/high school's house to just hang out and talk about life and things. It was nice to just sit around and enjoy each other's company.

As most people in the states know, Sunday was Veteran's Day (though most people "celebrated" on Monday with a day off). I'm proud to say I'm the granddaughter, daughter, niece, and wife of a veteran. My dad's father served in the Pacific during WWII. My great-uncle died in the Korean War and I inherited his Purple Heart. My dad and husband both served in the US Air Force. I'm proud of them for serving their country. I learned first hand being a military wife that freedom really doesn't come free. There is a lot of sacrifice involved... so if you haven't, be sure to thank a veteran. They're the reason we're all here safe and sound living our lives each day.

Baby Hope's Birthday
11/11/12 wasn't just Veteran's Day... it also would have been Baby Hope's first birthday if she would have arrived on her due date. It seems so long ago, but sometimes the pain is still so fresh. I still miss her. I still love her. I wish she was here every single day! Life would be so much different. So here's to Baby Hope... with love, kisses, and hugs.

Yesterday and today I had my first dose of substitute teaching. It was for a 7th grade English class. I have no decided I don't think I could ever teach a regular classroom of middle school kids. I've worked in middle school special education before and that wasn't THAT bad. Some of the classes were amazing. They sat quietly and did their work, were respectful and kind... and then there were a few other that made me want to pull my hair out. They were just so talkative. Other than that, though, they weren't really that bad. I do have a few notes to myself, however, after this experience. 1. Wear heels... the kids will still be taller than me but the will be less taller than me. 2. Take my piercings out. For some reason they were all very fascinated by these. 3. Do not wear a push-up bra. -- Today there was a really awkward moment when one of the boys informed his group and half the classroom that I had big boobs. Yeah.... A-W-K-W-A-R-D!!!

Days Come and Go

This year will be my second year participating in the Wave of Light for Pregnancy and Infant Loss on October 15th. As many of my readers already know, I lost our first and only baby in 2011 to a miscarriage. It was difficult, and I'm not going to lie, sometimes it's still difficult. We have now been trying for over 3 years to have a successful and healthy pregnancy to no avail. Maybe our time will come this month. I still miss baby Hope every day. I probably will always miss her. As time has passed things have gotten easier, but I still have my moments of sadness. I think about next month would have been baby Hope's first birthday or this would have been baby Hope's first Halloween. It's difficult not to think about things like that. I know I sound like a Debbie Downer, but I miss my baby. I want to be a mother. Either way, I hope you all will join me in participating in the Wave of Hope at 7pm in your time zone. I know I will be lighting a candle and remembering baby Hope tomorrow night.

Maybe this will be our month. I'm pretty sure I ovulated today. I got a positive OPK today and I felt killer ovulation pain (think ice pick stabbing you where your ovary should be). I always have ovulation pain, but it gets really bad when I'm on Clomid. I will tomorrow morning if I really have ovulated or not because I will see if my temp rise has happened yet. Either way, we have the BDing bases covered.

Tuesday is also Thayer and I's anniversary. We will have been married for four years. Sometimes it feels like it has been forever and other times it feels like we haven't really been together that long. I think we're just going out to dinner on Tuesday night after I get done with Parent/Teacher conferences. We already got out anniversary present. We bought a Keurig that we have been using the crap out of. I absolutely love it. I make tea, cider, hot cocoa, and yes, coffee in it! Best investment I have made since getting my Dyson.

Next weekend we are going home for a visit and to have family pictures done. I'm looking forward to seeing my parents and (some) of my family. We haven't been back since August, which really isn't that long seeing as we used to go a whole year without seeing them back when we were stationed in Minot.

This week is also going to be difficult and sad. It is my last week at my internship. It is going to be so hard to say goodbye to the kids I've been working with this year. There are some that I've grown really attached to and that have grown really attached to me as well. One little guy I work with for almost 2 hours a day one-on-one. He is very worried about me leaving and keeps asking me to stay. I really wish I could. If we could afford it I would stay for the whole semester, but the truth is I really need to get a job. I am now waiting on my Praxis results (Teaching Certification Test). They should be here no later than the first week of November. I took the test last Friday and the results take up to around 3 weeks to get. I'm pretty sure I passed it, but there is still all this anxiety that comes along with taking a test that will determine your employability. I've been applying for a few jobs that I've seen open in the local area. There was one teaching job and there have been a few paraprofessional jobs. I'm going to call on Tuesday to make sure the school that had the teaching job open received my application. I'm crossing my fingers that I will at least get an interview. In some ways, I know it is kind of a long shot of me getting the job because I don't technically graduate until December, but once my Praxis results come back and are processed by DESE (Missouri Department of Elementary and Secondary Education) I will be certified to teach Special Education even though I don't have my degree yet.

On yet another exciting note, I have booked my boudoir photosession. I can't wait! I'm so excited. I have some awesome, sexy outfits to wear and got an awesome pair of stilleto heels to rock. The photoshoot is going to be at an old historic bed and breakfast that has different theme rooms all decorated in a Victorian style. It is going to be amazing. I'm going to get my nails and makeup done. If I'm going to do this, then I'm going to do it right!

Beam Me Up

Today I was on a forum for women TTC and someone shared this song. I really touched me. What I wouldn't give for one minute with my angel baby. What I wouldn't give to see her face. What I wouldn't give to just look in her eyes, see her smile, and hold her close. I don't know what I will do when I finally meet her, but I know it will be a wonderful day. I will probably do just as the song says, stare in awe with complete love. I would love just a few minutes where I felt I didn't have to be strong anymore. I would love a few minutes where I could have some release instead of putting on a happy face even when I'm feeling down. I still think of our baby often. I still love him/her. I always will. I still don't know how to answer when people ask me if I have children, but then I feel like the only thing I can really say is "no." Sometimes this hurts and feels like I'm dismissing our beautiful first child. Sometimes I wonder if I'm neglecting him/her by saying that.

Beam Me Up

~Pink~

There's a whole 'nother conversation going on
In a parallel universe.
Where nothing breaks and nothing hurts.
There's a waltz playing frozen in time
Blades of grass on tiny bare feet
I look at you and you're looking at me.

Could you beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it
I'd probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, I'm tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minute's enough,
Just beam me up.

Some black birds soaring in the sky,
Barely a breath like our one last sigh
Tell me that was you, saying goodbye,
There are times I feel the shiver and cold,
It only happens when I'm on my own,
That's how you tell me, I'm not alone

Could you beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it
I'd probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, I'm tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minute's enough,
Just beam me up.

In my head, I see your baby blues
I hear your voice and I, I break in two and now there's
One of me, with you

So when I need you can I send you a sign
I'll burn a candle and turn off the lights
I'll pick a star and watch you shine

Just beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it
I'd probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, I'm tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minute's enough,
Beam me up
Beam me up
Beam me up
Could you beam me up.

And Another Year Passes



I wanted to share this image because it describes so much of what I feel. I love the child I lost. I love him or her like no other. I never got to meet her. I never got to hold her. I didn't know her name. I didn't get to count her fingers or her toes. I didn't get to see her face on a screen. I don't know what she would have grown up to be. I don't know anything about her... yet I love her. I love her like I've never loved anything in my whole life. I would gladly have traded my life for hers. I will always love her. I will never forget.

I also love the child(ren) I have yet to conceive. I have loved them since we started TTC. I have changed my life in preparation for getting pregnant. I know because motherhood hasn't come easy to me that I will never take my children for granted. I know that I will love and nurture my children with a greater depth than most can imagine.

Going on 3 1/2 Years -- The Journey

I recently subscribed to a new online magazine called Still Standing. It is for women (and men) who have experienced pregnancy/infant loss and/or infertility. So far, since the launch on May 5th, they have had a few posts that I've really enjoyed reading. They are doing a Blog Hop and I'm choosing to take part in it. The subject for this this month's blog hop is "The Journey."

My journey began in 2009. We decided after had our wedding (we eloped Oct. 2008 and later had a wedding for our families) on June 5th we would go ahead and forego birth control. At that point we had been married almost 7 months. Because of my PCOS, we had anticipated it taking us sometime to get pregnant. I visited the clinic on base (Minot AFB) and was placed on Metformin to help keep my cycles regular with my PCOS. After going off birth control and going on Metformin my cycles were fairly regular for about 6 months. The first few months weren't so bad. We had hope that it would happen eventually, that it would just take some time. Then my periods started getting more and more irregular. It was like a cruel joke that mother nature was playing on me. Each month I would be late, each month I would take a test, and each month I would be disappointed. I would shed some tears, pick of the pieces and prepare to start over again for another cycle. It was a vicious merry-go-round that we couldn't escape. My husband, bless his heart, tried to understand. To this day, I don't think he fully comprehends everything because he's not the one broken.

About 5 months after we started trying I saw an OB/GYN for the first time to seek treatments. He basically treated me like shit and blew me off. He told me in not so many words, that I was fat and needed to lose weight. He refused to treat my PCOS, he refused to do anything until I lost at least 25lbs. I cried all the way home after this appointment. It was disheartening and made me feel even more horrible. He did order some tests to be done. Bloodwork for me and a semen analysis for the hubby. It took me almost 6 months to get the hubs to take his test. The first time they sent him to the wrong lab and by the time he got his sample to the correct one it was too late. The second time he went to the hospital and was going to do it while there to make sure it was a viable sample. Well, the lab proceeded to send him to a public restroom with stalls to make his deposit. He just couldn't do it (and who the hell could blame him!!). After that fiasco it took me a couple of months to convince him to try again. (His results were all normal, and confirmed that I was indeed the failure in our relationship.)

By that time, I had finally gotten the nerve to see another OB/GYN who was much more understanding. The new OB/GYN ordered a hysterosalpingogram for me to see if my uterus and tubes were okay. My uterus was normal and my tubes were open. The new OB/GYN referred me to the RE who visited Minot every 3-4 months. I went to see him and he basically told me that I had to lose weight as well before he would treat me because the success rate would be much better. Yay... once again I'm too fat to be a mom. My OB/GYN agreed to try me on Clomid for 3 cycles to see how I responded.

I started my first cycle in December 2010. It was a monitored cycle. I produced some really great follicles. We had timed intercourse. My OB/GYN offered to give me a trigger shot, but I wanted to try our first cycle "naturally" to see if the follicles would release on their own. They did around CD17. This cycle resulted in a chemical pregnancy.

We immediately went into our next cycle. I again was monitored and again produced some good folliciles. We decided since I ovulated fine the previous cycle we would again go without the trigger shot. I kept waiting to ovulate then finally I called my doctor around CD18 to tell them I had not ovulated on my own. He told me I probably wouldn't and to just wait until my next cycle and we would start again. I ended up ovulating late (CD19).

I conceived on Feb. 23rd. Yes I know the exact date. I found out March 10th that we were expecting our first child. After nearly two years of trying, our dreams were finally coming true... or so we thought. We told my parents and I blogged about it. We were sooooo happy!! We loved that child more than most people can imagine.

All of our happiness was cut brutally short, however, when I woke up spotting blood. I went immediately to the ER (alone might I add). They ran an internal ultrasound, but it was too early to really see anything. They did bloodwork that indicated my HCG levels were low for how far along I should be. They also later notified me that my progesterone levels were low. We were losing our dream. The doctors wanted me to pass our baby naturally. I wrote several blogs during this time. It was a very difficult time for me. I became very depressed. I bled for just over 6 weeks and it was a constant reminder that my baby was dead. I wrote about passing the baby in a blog as well. I now have a tattoo on my back in memory of my baby (and other important family members that have passed away). It has been a little over a year since we lost our baby and may people don't consider our baby  to be a baby. They believe he or she was just a group of cells. To Thayer and I... that baby was real. We never got to hold her, but we loved her nonetheless.

After losing our baby, I decided to make a drastic change. I decided that maybe I should listen to the doctors. Maybe I was too fat to be a mom. I decided to presue weightloss surgery as a treatment for my weight issues due to my PCOS. At first I was going to get the Lapband, but later decided that gastric bypass would be a better choice for me in the long run. I knew that having the surgery would mean having to stop TTC. I knew that we would have to put our dreams on hold for at least a year, but I thought that the benefits would definitely outweight the difficulties. I had my surgery Sept. 7, 2011. Since that date I have lost 90lbs. I also went off my BC recently to see if I was ovulating on my own. I found out that my ovaries are now working on their own! We may not even need treatments to conceive now. We are still making sure to wait our year of being post-op to try, but it is nice to know that my body is now functioning properly!

**Update 7/23/12 - I have now lost 101lbs. I have an appointment scheduled with an OB/GYN for August 16, 2012 to makes sure all of our ducks are in a row to start trying hard in September.

**Update 8/17/12 - I had my appt. yesterday with the OB/GYN. He's super awesome. He listened to everything I had to say and answered all of my questions. He really put my mind at ease about some concerns I had regarding my surgery and it's affects on TTC and pregnancy. He thinks that I am/will be fertile on my own because of the weightloss, but because of my history of infertility he agreed to try 3-6 months of Clomid (50mg on CD5-9). He thinks we will have a BFP by Christmas time!

**Update 11/11/12 - On CD15 of my third round of Clomid. I'm waiting on ovultation. I've gotten my LP up to 13-14 days which is much better than the 11 days it was hovering at. I'm starting to get concerned about my uterine lining as my period this last month was very light.

**UPDATE!! - BFP on 11/25/12 - 12dpo!!!!

**UPDATE!! - Found out 12/30/12 that we are having TWINS!!

This is just a glimpse into my journey. I have many, many posts about infertility and pregnancy loss. I linked a few of them in the body of this blog as well. I love comments and I'm open what people have to say. I write to try and help people understand and help other infertile women feel less alone. If I can/have helped one person than all this blogging has definitely been worth it!

International Bereaved Mother's Day

Today is International Bereaved Mother's Day. This is my second year taking part in the special day just for mother's who have lost babies and children. For the founders, it doesn't matter whether you held your baby in your womb or arms, to them you're still a mother. They know that you will carry that child in your heart always.

Recently I have been having more trouble coping with my infertility and pregnancy loss. I'm not even really sure why. It could be the influx of pregos on my facebook page that serve as a constant reminder of what I should have. (They have now been put on an "unsubscribed" status.) Self-preservation is now my goal and anyone who doesn't like it doesn't need to be my friend or in my life. I need to do what I need to do to get through the day and try to lead a happy life. If you can't handle that then the door is that way. ---->

I know that I will always be a mother. I knew the love of a child, no matter how brief it was. I even think that women who are going through countless infertility treatments deserve a special day.  They give up so much and go through so much just attempting to become a parent. This is more than can said about many babies.

Indeed, experiencing a pregnancy loss and infertility is something you can never quite understand until you've walked in that person's shoes. Even then, everyone experiences it differently. The emotions are slightly different, the stages thry go through might be different. It is not an easy path to walk, and so many feel they are walking it alone.

One day I will have my miracle... one way or another. Until that day I will always be a mother, my child was simply too beautiful for this earth. She is up there watching over me. I know she knows how much I loved her, miss her, and think about her.

It's Been Goodbye for a Year...

What a difference a year can make... This time last year I was inconsolable. March 29, 2011 we said goodbye to our first and (thus far) only child. It took us 2 years to get pregnant with our miracle and we were on top of the world for a few short weeks until the spotting started and we found out we were losing our dream. Looking back, it was a horrible time in our lives, but I know I'm a stronger person today for all that I've been through. I still miss my little angel everyday and I know I will get to see her (or him) one day in the future. I think about it less and less and I rarely cry. There are still a few times when something happens or a mood strikes me and my eyes well up... but all and all I'm 99% better today than I was a year ago.

One day we will have a family. One day it will happen. I have to believe that in my heart.

Everyone and Snooki.... but me...

Lately it seems that everyone is pregnant. So many people I know are having their second. It's hard. I'm not going to lie. Many of them started trying for their first after Thayer and I started trying for our first. Almost 3 years after we started trying and I still have empty arms. Maybe my dream will never come true. I'm just so over waiting, testing, temping, wondering... I know we haven't been able to try at all for the last 6 months, but that doesn't make it any easier. I WANT to try. I WANT to have a baby. I WANT to have one now. I WANT to see those 2 pink lines. The problem is I CAN'T try. I mean, technically I could but that wouldn't be the smart thing to do.

I want to be happy when people tell me that they are pregnant... but it is so hard to conceal my envy especially if the child is conceived under less than stellar circumstances such as a teen mom. How can I even begin to feel happy about that? Here I am... a responsible 27 year old woman who is college educated, who has been married 3.5 years to a wonderful responsible man, but every idiot teenager and Snooki can get pregnant. Seriously? I guess at least I know now where my tax dollars are going.

It's hard to believe that this time last year I was pregnant. I didn't know it yet. We didn't find out until March 10th. Then just a short time later we found out we were losing our little dream. I still miss her all the time. How could I not? She was my baby, even though no one else seems to acknowledge she was real. I don't even think Thayer remembers. I'm scared to talk about and bring it up to him.

Today is Thayer's Birthday. I hope he had a good day. I've been really moody lately. I'm not going to lie about that either. I'm stress and just generally down. I knew March was going to be a difficult month. I knew it and thought I was prepared. But I guess I wasn't. So much change has happened in the last month. My whole world has been turned upside down and I'm reeling from it. I miss my girls. I miss the support and laughs I got from them. Even if they didn't know something was wrong they could always make me feel better. I miss them so much.

March on to March

Looking ahead into March, I know there are a few dates I will have a difficult time with. March 10th will be hard because that is the day I found out I was pregnant with Baby Hope. March 29th will also be difficult. That was the day that our baby went to heaven officially. I don't think about our baby as much anymore. I suppose that is normal. There are still things that get to me and bother me and I suppose that is normal as well. 

I'm thinking about going off my birth control after this cycle is complete. I'm currently on CD5. I am just shy of 6 months post-op. I am down 80 pounds. I want to know if my body is working right again. I NEED to know that my body is working right again. I need to know I did this for a reason other than long term health. I NEED to know that I will be able to get pregnant when we start trying again. Tomorrow is the day I'm supposed to put in my Nuvaring and I will for this month. Then I'm going to take a month or two off of it and see what happens. No we will not be trying to get pregnant. Actually, I will have to closely monitor my cycle to ensure that, that does not happen. I'm sure some people won't agree with me and will think I'm stupid for even possibly risking getting pregnant. By now I know my body. I can feel when I ovulate. I will take my temps and use OPKs. It's not hard to make sure we don't have sex on a few certain days of the month. I want to know that I'm ovulating on my own again. I want to make sure my periods will come on their own. I know some of it will be residual from being on BC for the last 6ish months... but I need to know. 

Infertiles....

Sometimes other infertiles infuriate me more than fertiles. I know we're all on the same shitty path. I know infertility sucks. I know that losing a baby sucks. I've been there... done that... currently doing it... Some people just aren't very logical.

When I first got pregnant I announced it to the world. I wanted EVERYONE to know. I knew so many people had been hoping and praying for me. I felt it almost necessary to tell them that FINALLY we had some success. Our success, however, was cut bitterly short. I guess it's one of those things you'll never understand until you've been there. You'll never understand that it's better to not count your chickens before your eggs hatch. You'll never understand the heartbreak and pain of having to tell all those people that you failed. I don't understand why so many people announce their pregnancies before they're 12 weeks. I will NEVER make that mistake again. In my opinion, it just makes having a miscarriage 100 time worse because you have to relive it EVERY SINGLE TIME you have to tell someone you aren't pregnant anymore. Maybe people don't realize that 25% of pregnancies end in a miscarriage. A staggering statistic if you think about it. You only have a 75% of making it to 12 weeks pregnant.

Also, I know I'm going to come off as completely harsh here... but I need to vent. I DON'T understand how someone can sit there and say they can't afford to save up for a $300 test... or a $100 co-pay for an ultrasound... but then say they can afford a baby. I understand people wanting to have more kids... or wanting to have children period. But.... If you can't afford a $200 ultrasound every month to see if your follicles are growing... how are you going to be able to afford diapers, formula, clothing... all the necessities that a baby will need. Things just don't add up. Maybe it's because I'm blessed to have insurance and will always have that blessing... maybe it's because I was smart enough to go to college, get married, and then start trying for a family. I'm sure a baby is going to run you AT LEAST $200 a month.

Another thing, I'm sick of my tax dollars going to dead beats who just keep popping kids out that they can't afford. I can't even get a tax break for fertility treatments but you can sit on your ass for months.. NO YEARS and live off my hard earned money. RIDICULOUS! I'm so glad that some states are making it mandatory to be drug tested to get government help. They should have done that years ago and it needs to be a policy implemented nation wide!!!

Also.. I'm going to be deleting a few friends off facebook. I'm sick of being pounded daily by the "I'm so nauseous" or "oh my boobs hurt" posts. Get the fuck over yourself. It could be worse. You could be NOT pregnant because you lost your child. Suck it up and be grateful. MILLIONS of women struggling with infertility would LOVE  LOVE LOVE to be in your shoes.

lol sorry for the rant/vent... but it's been a LONG time coming :) Now you may return to your regularly scheduled program... Oh and if you don't like my opinion... I really don't care :)

Rounding out the Year

So 2011 is coming to a close. It has been a year full of ups and downs to say the least.

Yesterday was Christmas. On Christmas Eve we went over to a friend of ours and had a wonderful Christmas Eve with our military family. I tried goose for the first time. It was actually really good. Tasted a lot like steak to me, but with a little bit of a "gamey" taste. We opened presents and laughed. It was a good time with great friends.

Christmas day was pretty uneventful for Thayer and I. We played games and watched movies. I also did some housework. Christmas just isn't the same for me and I was trying my hardest to keep my mind off Baby Hope. It's so difficult to think we should have had a baby to celebrate with this year, but we didn't. It is still a hard pill to swallow at times. I know that people that haven't been in my shoes really just don't understand. I can't really expect them to. I can, however, expect them to have compassion and understanding for the feelings I have.

Thayer talked to his mom. His dad went to the Phillipines and left his mom all alone in Guam for Christmas. The shittiness of his father never ceases to amaze me. I guess to get him back, Thayer's mom is spending extra on the kids for Christmas. Since he is spending all this money over in the Phillipines, she is spending more on Thayer, his sister, and even me for Christmas. We also found out that next summer she is coming over to the states so spend a few weeks with us. Hopefully we are all settled in our new place in Missouri. Everything is up in the air still. Thayer is waiting on his official orders so we can start to arrange our move. We shall see if that happens. Once again we are left waiting. If we do get orders for March, then the last day we will possibly be out of here is March 31st... in 96 days.

For once, I wasn't trying to hide in pictures. I love all the new-found confidence I have. I can't believe how far I've come since September 7th. As of today I am down 60 pounds. That's half a person! Here's a picture from Christmas Eve! I'm starting to look skinny! 

Thinking About You

Today I was thinking about my baby. Today I was thinking about how far I've come. I was thinking about how much I've changed. Surely everything happens for a reason and often we never know the reason.

In some ways I've become a better person since losing Baby Hope. In others, I haven't been so amazing. It's hard for me to be truly sincere when someone I know becomes pregnant. It's not that I'm not happy for them. I'm sad for myself. I think, "When will it finally be my turn?" I question everything. I question the little bit of faith I have left, the tiny speck of faith that hasn't been washed away by all the tears from the events of my life.

I still hate when people bitch about being pregnant. If only they knew not to take their gift for granted. That's what bitching seems like to me... so what if you have morning sickness? It could be worse, instead of barfing or feeling nauseous you could be bleeding and flushing your baby down the toilet. I have NO tolerance left for people to complain about being pregnant.

My baby, the tiny bean that she was, changed me, changed my whole life, changed my whole perspective. It's an experience I wish I never had to go through, but it has changed me. I know what it is to love a child, my child, unconditionally even though so many have told me she wasn't a child at all. I have never known true elation like that of seeing that test say "Pregnant." I know I will never ever be the same.

I also have a new favorite song by Daughtry. It's called "Gone Too Soon." It expresses what I've struggled to put into words so many times.

"Gone Too Soon" -- Daughtry
Today could've been the day
That you blow out your candles
Make a wish as you close your eyes
Today could've been the day
Everybody was laughin'
Instead I just sit here and cry

Who would you be?
What would you look like
When you looked at me for the very first time
Today could've been the next day of the rest of your life

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose
Such a ray of light we never knew
Gone too soon, yeah

Would you have been president?
Or a painter, a author or sing like your mother
One thing is evident
Would've give all I had
Would've loved you like no other

Who would you be?
What would you look like
Would you have my smile and her eyes?
Today could've been the next day of the rest of your life

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose
Such a ray of light we never knew
Gone too soon, yeah

Not a day goes by, oh
I'm always asking why, oh

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose
Such a beautiful life we never knew
Gone too soon
You were gone too soon, yeah

And not a day goes by 
That I don't think of you

Bah Hum Bug

So this weekend I put up our Christmas decorations. I set up the tree. It was a little bittersweet and sad. This Christmas was supposed to be different. Instead of hanging a memorial ornament on our tree for our angel, I should have been hanging a "Baby's First Christmas" ornament. Instead of being a twosome again for our third Christmas, we should have been a threesome. I teared up a little as I hung Baby Hope's ornament on our tree. I hope wherever she is, she knows how much I love her. I know I'll never forget her. How can a mother forget their baby?

I've heard so many harsh things since losing our baby. So many hurtful things. I'm over negative people. I know it's perfectly fine for me to be sad. It is fine for me to remember my child, even if some people think he/she wasn't a child yet.

Now it is all a matter of counting down the days until we can try again. Counting down the days until our family can be complete. Both Thayer and I's thoughts on parenthood have changed so much by going through infertility and the miscarriage. We always said we wanted at least 2 children. Now we think we only want to have one. It's not that we don't want to have two still, we do. We just don't want to have to go through the struggle of infertility year after year again. We don't know for certain how having surgery will affect my ability to get pregnant. We are hoping for the best, but I don't usually have the best of luck.

Admittedly, Christmas has always been a difficult time of the year for me since I lost my grandma when I was 14. She was my other mommy. She taught me so much and it seemed so cruel that a beautiful person was taken away from me. Christmas has just become progressively more difficult as more sad things have happened. Christmas just isn't the same without my Grandma and Grandpa V. or my sister Kim. It feels wrong to celebrate and be happy. I know they would want me to, but it's difficult. I know this Christmas, with the loss of our baby, will be even more difficult. I lost my faith at the age of 14, and have yet to gain a single bit of it back. It's hard to have faith when you see wonderful people struggling every day. It's hard to have faith when unimaginably cruel things happen every single day. It's so hard when people play the God card. "God will give you a baby when he thinks you're ready." or "It was God's will that your baby died."  or "Pray about it and it will happen."

2 for One

So, today was Veteran's Day and today was also my due date with our angel baby.

My goal today was to try and keep as busy as possible so I couldn't think about the latter of the two, too much. I think I accomplished my goal rather well. This afternoon Thayer and I went ice skating for free for Veteran's Day. Then we went out to lunch which made me sick for a while. The food just didn't agree with my tummy and I got to truly experience "dumping syndrome" for the first time. Needless to say, I don't want to experience it again any time soon. Sweating, nausea, the shakes... yep... wasn't a good time especially since we were at the mall. We walked around the mall for a bit and I ended up getting a coat at Old Navy for 60% off. It's super cute, but a little small right now. I should be able to fit into it by the end of the month at the rate I've been going. I also bought Just Dance 3. I had been using Just Dance 2 as part of my workout routine besides the elliptical. It's a little more challenging and has a lot of songs I like. Lets see... then we went to the Chiropractor and got snap, crackled, and popped. I feel better now. My hips not bothering me anymore! Then we went to see Immortals. It was pretty hokey and not nearly as good as 300. We were both pretty disappointed in it. On the way home we got Jimmy Johns. It was a pretty good day considering. I'm glad I got to share it with my Airman.

As far as Veteran's Day, I'm so proud of my husband and the service he has provided to this country. I'm also proud of my dad who served in the Air Force. Also, my Grandpa Mallatt who served courageously in WWII in the Pacific theater. I have many other family members that are veteran's as well. Words can not express the debt we, as a country, owe you. I know how hard the military works; I've seen it first hand. The work for little pay and at times, little respect. I was pleasantly surprised to all the praise I saw this morning in everyone's statuses on Facebook. It seemed like everyone on my friend's list said something of praise and/or thanks for those that have or are currently serving.

As for my angel baby. I miss her every day. I don't think that will ever change. I really thought today was going to be much harder than it actually was. This morning I had a moment, shed a couple of tears, then got ready to start my day. March 29th and November 11th 2011 are days that I will never forget as long as I live. Sometimes I still have moments where I'm sad and I have moments of jealousy. Things are honestly so much better now than they were 6 months ago. I know my little angel is in heaven and I'll get to see her one day, but until then I know that she is in good hands. I'm a mom now and I'll be a mom for the rest of my life. My baby, Baby Hope, was simply too beautiful and perfect for this earth. I was shown a brief piece of heaven in those few short weeks. I know that one day I will be a mother. I've come so far and done so much to try and have my perfect child. I hope that we will be able to start trying next September or so. We shall see what happens with my weightloss.

I'm down 39 pounds in 9 weeks, so I have 67 pounds to go until my goal weight. Would I be happy losing more than that? Sure, the doctor predicted a loss of 100lbs so that is what I'm going by to set my goal.

Glad This Week Is Over. Period.

For lots of reasons I have had a very rough week. It's just a lot of little things piling up and feeling like I have no where to turn.

First of all, things have been really rocky with Thayer and I. We've been having a lot, and I mean A LOT of issues. We're considering marriage counseling, even though I believe counselors are mostly quacks. I've never really had a good experience with one except when I was in elementary school. I'm not sure what the best solution will be. I don't want to give up because it's worth the fight. Just some of the things that have happened, wow.

I've been having trouble dealing with my surgery and the common side effects. It's making beyond frustrated to feel this tired all the time. You would think that dropping 30 pounds would give you more energy, but every day I feel like I've ran a 5k marathon. I talked to the surgeon when I had my 6 week check on Thursday, but he said it was normal because my body is trying to learn how to sustain itself from itself. Because I eat so little, I'm living off of the stuff that already exists in my body. It hasn't been fun. It hasn't been easy. I've encountered a few food that have made my tummy upset, but I've done  good with most foods. Today I ate half a lean pocket and boy was I a sick chica for a while. So needless to day, I've been irritated by not having any energy and feeling tired all the time.

I've also had some issues with dealing with my infertility. Just a lot has happened this week to remind me over and over again what a failure I am. It's been really hard to look at the bright side of things this week. Lately it's been really hard to deal with the fact that we can't even think about trying for another 11 months. I can't help but think about my baby. I would be almost full term now. I know I should look at the "good" things in my life. And believe me I try... but sometimes it's hard. Really Hard. Unless you've been through infertility and/or miscarriage I just can't explain it. There's just something about remembering the due date or seeing different things at Facebook that just tears at your heart.

I've also been really homesick. I miss my friends back home. There's just something about having someone you feel comfortable around no matter what and you know you can call at any time. There's just something about someone you've known for most of your life that can't be replaced. I may not talk to them all the time, but I know they love and care about me no matter what happens.

All in all... I've felt very irritated, frustrated, alone, upset, sad, run down, etc. Oh... and to top it off I'm PMSing because it's about that time. Yay! *rolls eyes*

Sorry for the depressing, bitchy blog... but yeah.

Karma...

So... I know there are certainly some people in this world that think I'm a bitch. Yep, I sure can be one. I'm not denying that at all. Everyone has their moments. Frankly, I don't give a crap if a few people in this world don't like me. No sweat off my back, ya know?

I know that my real friends and good family members (yeah.. I have a few family members that aren't so hot) know the real me and what a great person I am. That being said... I want to share to amazing reasons why I'm a great person. Yes... damn it... I am tooting my own horn.

I've always been involved in charities. Since moving to Minot, I have found it hard to find something I loved and cared enough about to go out and support with all my heart and soul. It was a lot easier to do back home where I had connections or even on campus at Missouri State because there were so many wonderful volunteer opportunities. I used to be involved in everything possible. Why not? I usually didn't have anything better to do and helping people gave me peace. It was good Karma! :)  Like I said, after moving to Minot I just couldn't sink my teeth into anything then I had a LIGHT BULB!.... and then ANOTHER LIGHT BULB! What better way to give back than to help women and families going through exactly what I'm going through!

Light Bulb Numero Uno -- Sock it to Infertility
"Sock It" was a project that I started during National Infertility Awareness week. I collected socks to mail out to women going through infertility treatments. Originally it was just going to be for a short time, but I decided to keep it going. Currently I have sent socks to 28 states and 5 countries other than the United States. I have received a great deal of love from my recipients. In each package I send a short, heartfelt letter and a pair of funky socks. Socks, as many of my followers know because they are infertile themselves, are about the only clothes you can wear when you're getting your hoo-haw poked and prodded. Honestly, they just help you feel better. For more information about the program or to donate (I'm actually running low on socks) or to receive a pair of socks... VISIT: Sock it to Infertility

Light Bulb Numero Dos -- Too Beautiful For Earth - A Remembrance Ceremony
I started this event on Facebook for residents of the Air Force base I reside at. As most of my followers know, I have struggled not only to get pregnant, but also through the loss of my first and only pregnancy after over 2 years of trying. Losing a child, not matter when it happens, is heartbreaking. It is something most people can't even begin to comprehend unless they've been in your shoes. I know far too many women at my base that have been in my shoes, and some of them multiple times. October isn't just Breast Cancer Awareness Month... it is also Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Month, as proclaimed by Ronald Reagan in 1988. Reagan said, "When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When a parent loses their child, there isn't a word to describe them." October 15th is the day when people around the world light a sea of candles at 7pm in remembrance of all the babies lost. Most people don't realize that 25% of pregnancies end in loss.


Anywho... The ceremony is something I know will help me heal. I hope that it will help others heal. I hope that it will help others see that they are NOT alone. People don't have to struggle alone. They don't have to cry alone. There is a whole community of us that have experienced the same thing and we should have a day where we can come together, cry and remember our babies. My baby was a person. I love her from the moment I got that positive test and I thought my heart would never ever stop breaking. I said goodbye to baby Hope a little over 6 months ago... and not a day goes by that I don't think of her. November 11th is going to be a extremely difficult day for me. That's the day my angel should have came into this world. Instead I will still be sitting here with empty arms.


If you'd like more info on the ceremony visit "Too Beautiful for Earth - A Remembrance Ceremony"

Better than I Thought

So... tomorrow will mark 3 weeks since surgery. As of a few days ago I'm down 20.5 pounds. I haven't weighed myself in a couple of days and I know I'm a bit bloated because AF should be showing up any time now.

Looking back at the journey I've had thus far, I can honestly say it has been 100 times easier than I thought it would be. I haven't had any complications. I rarely feel hungry. I literally have to remind myself to eat. I haven't had trouble with any foods so far. I'm starting to really get my strength back. I go back to work next week and I'm sure that will make me pretty tired. Chasing a bunch of one year olds after surgery is sure to tucker a person out. Surprisingly, I'm doing okay with the not being able to try for a baby thing. I thought I would have more trouble, and maybe as time progresses I will. As of right now, I'm so delighted when I step on the scale that I forget about it. I know I did the right thing. I know I will be healthier in the long run. Isn't that what we all want? To be healthy and happy for our children.

I know November is going to be a bit rough. My due date is fast approaching for when Baby Hope would have been born. It's a day that will forever be in my memory 11/11/11. It also happens to be Veteran's Day. I've been invited to a couple of baby showers around the time of my due date. I think I'm just going to have to tell them I can't go. Sure, I will feel like a bad friend. Other people will probably think I'm a bitch. At this point I think my own personal happiness and sanity is much more important. I have to stay positive. I have to keep moving forward. No regrets... just the road ahead of me.

Also, Thayer and I's third anniversary is less than a month away. I can't believe it has already been three years. We've been through a lot... a LOT. Infertility, miscarriage, major surgery, military... the list goes on and on. Honestly, I think we are 100% stronger for all that we've been through. Yes we fight. Sure we're not perfect. But I think we're perfect for each other. Sometimes we get on each others nerves. Sometimes we yell. But in the end we always kiss and make up and everything is okay. I love Thayer and I'm not sure what I would do without him by my side.

Time Doesn't Heal All Wounds

"Time doesn't heal all wounds, it just teaches us to deal with the pain."

That's a pretty profound statement... and it is completely true. Time hasn't healed the pain of my infertility... it is renewed every month. Time hasn't healed the pain of my miscarriage. Sure, it's not as fresh. It's not as difficult to bear. My wounds are not healed. I don't think they ever will be, and even if they do heal in time the scars will always be mine.

It's now after midnight... but yesterday I would have been 27 weeks. It is so difficult to watch people at work and their growing bellies. I almost want to cry every time I see them. Especially the one that isn't taking care of herself or the baby the way she should be. It makes me so upset. Why my baby and not hers? I made the mistake of asking one the parents of the kids I take care of when she was due because she has really "popped." Yeah... not a good idea. She is due exactly one week before I would have been.

People keep telling me I need to quit dwelling on my miscarriage... that I need to let it go and forget about the week marks and how my baby would be developing. Maybe I should... but I can't. Not yet. I'm not sure when I'll be ready to let my baby go, but that time is not right now.

My life will be changing so much in the next month. Either to Clomid works AND Thayer's little swimmers find the spot.. or I have surgery and we can't even try get pregnant for 12-18 months.

I can't help but think about what might have beens. What if I would have started getting things ready for surgery back in November of last year when the RE told me I should think about it? What if I had just gone through with it then? We would be able to start trying in a few more months... instead I'm just starting this journey. I can't seem to do anything right. I can't even manage to get pregnant. Isn't that what I was put on the earth for? "Be fruitful and multiply." Yeah... that's obviously not happening.

*sigh* I hate feeling like a failure. I mean, I've done everything right. I went to college, then got married. We waited a little while... got financially secure.. then started trying to start a family. I DID EVERYTHING RIGHT! I was responsible. I was careful. I was SMART... and what did that get me? Sitting every week watching "16 and Pregnant" while crying because those dumb little children can get pregnant and have a child and I can't.