This is a window into my life.... Infertility, Pregnancy Loss, Marriage, Weight Loss Surgery, and finally... a multiple pregnancy.

Learn more about my Infertility Journey here:
3 years and counting

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Saturday, March 31, 2012

My Ovaries Put on their Big Girl Panties!

It is official. My ovaries put on their big girl panties this month and I ovulated! Yay! The only thing I'm a little confused about is that I ovulated on CD 12. This is earlier than most women ovulate and it is also much earlier than what I used to ovulate before surgery. I always ovulated a little late (CD 16) and the month I got pregnant I ovulated on CD 18 or 19. I'm not sure what this means for the condition of my eggs. Either they were growing like rock stars and popped earlier or they weren't fully mature and popped anyways. I don't really know and it would be impossible to tell at this point. The one thing I am concerned about, however, is if I cut Thayer off in time. Because of my past history of ovulating late I didn't cut him off with consideration of ovulating on CD 12 in mind. We last BD 2 days before I ovulated. This could pose big problems. This would have been fine if I was normal and ovulated on CD14-CD16... but then again when do I ever do anything right? I guess we will see.

I had a ton of ovulation pain this month. For about 16 hours it felt like someone was stabbing me in the right side with an ice pick. My nipples were unbelieveably sensitive and it hurt to wear a bra. Also, I have gotten my temperature spike. It is still elevated and will remain that way until my body gets ready to have it's period. Because of the massive switch of hormones, estrogen and progesterone, that comes with ovulation, I have been very tired. That is the only thing that could explain the extreme amount of fatigue I'm feeling since I'm only 5dpo. I just hope that the bad ovulation pain and the fatigue means my ovaries are working great now. Here's to hoping. I think I'm going to go ahead and stay of BC next month as well and see if things go well for 2 months in a row. If you have any ideas on what CD12 might mean along with other symptoms please leave a comment. I'm always interested in what people have to say about what I'm posting.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

O on the horizon

So I'm pretty sure that I'm getting ready to ovulate. I've had lots of my normal symptoms. I've been saying no to the horizontal tango. Can't risk getting pregnant right now so it's better to just say no for a week or so than to try some other method. At least those are my thoughts. I'm super excited that I'm getting ready to ovulate all on my own. I'm not sure if it's because I'm just coming off birth control. I used to ovulate just fine for the first 3-4 months after going off birth control anyways. I hope that this means that my PCOS is a little better.

Some of this may be TMI for some of you so please discontinue reading, if you're not worried then please feel free to keep reading.

Ovulation symptoms:
 - Horribly sore nipples... not boobs, just nipples.
 - Ovulation pain in my right ovary... I never have pain on my left side. It is always just my right. When I was on Clomid my right side always had more mature follicles than my left as well. Maybe this has something to do with it. This time the pain has been for over a day and has been really intense. I hope this is a good sign!
 - Increasingly darker lines on my ovulation predictor kits (OPKs). This always happens, each day they get a little darker until I get a positive.
 - I have not had a temperature spike yet.

Sunday, March 25, 2012


Sometimes I feel like I'm always stuck between a rock and hard place.

I get so frustrated with Thayer. Sometimes I feel like I'm ignored a lot. I feel like he doesn't care whether I'm around or not. I feel neglected. I don't feel like he's supportive of me or my goals. I feel like I'm always second or third. Sometimes I want to be first. Sometimes I want to be the most important thing in his life and I never feel like I am anymore. I'm almost always frustrated or annoyed with him. I hate feeling this way but I don't know how to fix it. I can't fix it alone and I don't think he cares to even try to fix things between us. Do I love him? Yes. Do I want to try and make things better? Yes... but it can't be one sided. He's not willing to budge. No matter how I approach it. I've tried being nice. I've tried being a bitch. I've tried pleading. I've tried yelling. There isn't much I haven't tried to get his attention and make him realize how I'm feeling.

Here's a few examples of what I'm talking about.

I get up in the morning and go to work. I work until 3:30. He's upstairs on his computer playing games or in the "man cave" playing games. I'm in the living room watching TV or doing homework or getting ready to cook dinner. I'm just in the other room doing something. He doesn't come out and see me when I get home from work. Doesn't even acknowledge that I'm home from work. No hello kiss... nothing. That really hurts. He emerges for dinner and eats dinner with my parents and me. Then he goes back upstairs or to the cave. I don't see him again usually until I go upstairs to go to bed.

Another example: Yesterday we went to see the Hunger Games. (Awesome movie... even more awesome book). Then we went and played two rounds of mini-golf and went to dinner at Outback Steakhouse. When we got home around 6 he immediately went upstairs and started playing games on his computer. I saw him when he came down to pee or smoke a cigarette. Otherwise I didn't see him until I went upstairs to go to sleep at 1am. I kinda bitched about it when I went upstairs that I was sick of not seeing him and not spending time with him because he's always on his games. He basically got an attitude with me and was pissy about it.

I don't know what to do anymore. I can't fight this fight alone. He has to want things to get better too. I don't want to feel neglected and unimportant anymore. I want him to want to spend time with me. I want someone to want me as much as I want them. I want to be with someone that likes to spend time with me... that lives and breathes being with me. If I don't do that for him... then I don't know. I want to feel wanted and needed and I just don't feel that way anymore. I feel like he takes me and everything I do for him for granted.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Grief and Infertility

I get so frustrated with people when talking about infertility. It truly is something that you just don't understand until you've been in those shoes. You don't know the constant pain and depression that happens month after month. There have been numerous studies that have equated the emotions of getting your period every month while fighting infertility to losing a loved one every month. You go through all the stages of grief month after month. It's a seemingly never ending cycle of ups (very few) and downs (a great many).

For those of you that don't know, the 5 stages of grief are: Denial, Anger/Guilt, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.

Some information is about how infertility itself causes a person (couple) to go through the stages of grief. (Stages of Grief After Infertility). Hearing the word "infertility" is often a shock. This wasn't really the case for me. I knew I would probably have trouble getting pregnant because of my PCOS. The article I posted above has a pretty good idea of what people might feel or experience when they find out that they are infertile and may never be able to have children of their own (meaning biological).

Now I want to take a look at the stages of grief as they apply to a woman's monthly cycle. Every single month, a couple dealing with infertility, especially the woman, goes through the stages of grief. There is never a break or reprieve from the feelings. Just like a woman gets her period every month she experiences let downs month after month.
 Here's how it goes:
Denial: This is it. This is the month we will get pregnant. I don't feel like I'm getting ready to start. I'm sure my boobs are sore because I'm pregnant. Yep. This is it. Without a doubt it is finally our time!... That negative pregnancy test... It's just to early. Fast forward a few hours. Oh... that spotting, maybe it's implantation bleeding... maybe?... please?

Anger: WHY ME!? Why can't it be my turn!? What have I done so wrong to deserve this? Why can crack whores get pregnant but I can't! This isn't fair!

Bargaining: Dear God... It's me Mary... (well no... not really, but it was that before infertility and pregnancy loss killed my faith). Now it's more like... I will do anything... ANYTHING to get pregnant and stay pregnant. Really... standing on my head while eating jello. If it will get me pregnant... you can bet your ass I'll try it.

Depression: This usually involves crying, avoiding pregos, chocolate, wine... more crying. More avoiding of fertile people. A bit of self loathing is thrown in there. Oh... and don't forget feeling like a complete and utter failure for the millionth time.

Acceptance: This month is over. I can't change it. I can't fix it. I can't make it different. Time to start again.  Maybe this will be our month....

And so it begins again.... Over and over again.

Hurry Up and Wait

It seems like for so long my life has been completely revolved around the concept of "hurry up and wait."

Being a military wife... your life is ruled by your husband's military career. I've had to put my life on hold in order to be with Thayer. I graduated in 2009 with a teaching degree that I still have not been able to use at all, not even to substitute teach.

Just like in the song, everything is now so close I can taste it, but I can't touch it. I'm working in Special Education, which is what I'm getting my Master's in, but I'm still not a teacher. I still don't have a classroom of my very own. I have more responsibility than the other paras because of my educational background, which is great because I'm soaking up the additional experience. I just wish I could be a teacher. Even now that we're down here and moving to Missouri, I don't know if I'll be able to find a job as a teacher. Things will be easier when I have my Master's in Special Education because there is a much greater demand for SpEd teachers than there is for English teachers. Right now there doesn't look like there is a whole lot out there for English. It's pretty discouraging. I'm so ready to have a classroom of my own. I want to help children/young adults.

Infertility has certainly thrown a kink into how I thought my life would play out. June will mark 3 years of trying to get pregnant. That's a long damn time. People who started trying for their first AFTER we started trying for our first are now pregnant/having their second child. It's frustrating. I'm terribly impatient to become a parent. I'm ready. I've been ready. I try to keep my head up. I try to keep plugging away, but it gets difficult at times. Sure I've said things that have rubbed people wrong. Sure, to some I may seem bitter, especially to those that have never walked in my shoes. I know I did the right thing by having my surgery. I feel so much better. I'm up to doing an hour of cardio a day. A week after surgery I could barely make it 5 minutes on my elliptical. I've had an amazing transformation in hopes of having a healthy pregnancy and a healthy child.

Sometime I wonder how things would be different in my life... Sometimes I think about what might have or could have been. I know those are dangerous thoughts though. I can't go back and change the past and I just have to keep moving forward, one step at a time.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Process of Adjusting

It is so weird and strange to be out of Minot and to not be (almost) a military wife. That was my home and identity the entire time I've been married to Thayer. The last few weeks have definitely been an adjustment for myself and the husband. It has been difficult for a variety of reasons. I know Thayer has to get used to not being in the military, which is the only thing that he's known his whole adult life. We've had a few fights and lots of bickering. I hope things get better. I just don't know how to fix it right now. Maybe we just need some time to get used to our new life. We probably could also work a little harder at our relationship.

As of today I'm officially off birth control for at least the next month (maybe two). I'm 6 months post-op and it's time to see how my body is working on it's own. I'm really keeping track of my cycle so we can try to NOT get pregnant. That seems so weird. Now I have to count days and track temperature to try to NOT get pregnant. Part of me just wants to say fuck it and go ahead and not care about getting pregnant... whatever happens will happen. That's what my heart says... just whatever will be, will be. My head, however, knows better. I guess I will just have to listen to my head for now. I will be able to listen to my heart soon enough.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Sometimes Changes are Good!

I started my job and I love it. It is so much less stressful than working at the CDC. My teacher is allowing me to do a lot more than other paras are allowed to do because of my educational background. I am just 4 credit hours away from having my MSEd so she lets me do lesson plans for my kids and lets me enter all of their information from progress monitoring into their IEPs. I really like being able to help more than usual and it is great experience for me. I'm really happy with my new job and glad that I only have to work 6.5 hours a day. It makes getting my homework done and focusing on school a lot easier as well.

This month I am also not going to be taking my BC. I'm going to go off it for a couple of months and see how my body does. I'm currently on CD4. My predicted ovulation is on the 28th, but I usually ovulate a few days later than what is predicted. My ususal ovulation date is CD16 instead of the typical CD14. I guess we will see if that has changed as well. I really have to keep on top of my cycle so we don't accidently become pregnant. Wouldn't that be my luck... lol. All along I've been thinking it would be incredibly ironic if I got pregnant while on BC. I hope that everything goes as I hope and that I ovulate on my own. I have no real way of knowing whether I'm producing quality eggs. All I will know is if my cycle is going normal, which will be wonderful news because normally I'm pretty irregular because of my PCOS.

Thayer and I have been going through a little bit of a rough patch. Partly because of me and partly because of him. Sometimes he has absolutely no common sense and it drives me positively crazy. I hate feeling like I'm the mother of a 26 year old man. At times it is ridiculous. It is also funny. He got drunk the other night and he was spouting about how sometimes he takes me and all I do for him for granted and that he is sorry about it. Then he turns around a day or two later and acts like a complete ass.

This last week I have been on spring break from school. It was a nice break, but I know I have a lot of things coming up that will make me more stressed. It's all downhill from here. I have 3 really large final projects that I need to get started on. I really like most of my classes because I've learned a lot, though I don't really care for my two professors. Oh well... you win some, you lose some. The things I'm most happy about is that I have a 100% in all three of my classes. Based on this, it looks like I will be keeping my 4.0 this semester. I will just have 2 more classes to get through. I think it would be pretty amazing to graduate with my MSEd with a 4.0. That will look really good on a resume!

I've started generally looking for places to live down in Springfield. I think we are going to look at some of the outlying areas like Republic. It all depends on what we find though. Thayer really wants to live on the outskirts of town (he's never lived someplace as big as Springfield) or in a suburb. I love how cheap rent is down there and there seem to be plenty of places that will allow pets. Now if we can find a place with a fenced in backyard we will be golden!

Monday, March 5, 2012

Everyone and Snooki.... but me...

Lately it seems that everyone is pregnant. So many people I know are having their second. It's hard. I'm not going to lie. Many of them started trying for their first after Thayer and I started trying for our first. Almost 3 years after we started trying and I still have empty arms. Maybe my dream will never come true. I'm just so over waiting, testing, temping, wondering... I know we haven't been able to try at all for the last 6 months, but that doesn't make it any easier. I WANT to try. I WANT to have a baby. I WANT to have one now. I WANT to see those 2 pink lines. The problem is I CAN'T try. I mean, technically I could but that wouldn't be the smart thing to do.

I want to be happy when people tell me that they are pregnant... but it is so hard to conceal my envy especially if the child is conceived under less than stellar circumstances such as a teen mom. How can I even begin to feel happy about that? Here I am... a responsible 27 year old woman who is college educated, who has been married 3.5 years to a wonderful responsible man, but every idiot teenager and Snooki can get pregnant. Seriously? I guess at least I know now where my tax dollars are going.

It's hard to believe that this time last year I was pregnant. I didn't know it yet. We didn't find out until March 10th. Then just a short time later we found out we were losing our little dream. I still miss her all the time. How could I not? She was my baby, even though no one else seems to acknowledge she was real. I don't even think Thayer remembers. I'm scared to talk about and bring it up to him.

Today is Thayer's Birthday. I hope he had a good day. I've been really moody lately. I'm not going to lie about that either. I'm stress and just generally down. I knew March was going to be a difficult month. I knew it and thought I was prepared. But I guess I wasn't. So much change has happened in the last month. My whole world has been turned upside down and I'm reeling from it. I miss my girls. I miss the support and laughs I got from them. Even if they didn't know something was wrong they could always make me feel better. I miss them so much.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Update time (No Clever Title Today).

So Thayer and I made it to Kansas on the 25th of February. We made really good time on our trip. 1006 miles in 2 days from the Minot AFB gate to the driveway of my parent's house in Kansas.

The weather has been pretty amazing since we've been here. The highs have been in the 50s and 60s. We already had one severe storm. It shall be interesting to see Thayer go through tornado season in Kansas. Growing up in Guam and then living in North Dakota for the last almost 8 years doesn't exactly prepare you for storm season in tornado alley. He's definitely fascinated by the storms, lightening, etc. I am, on the other hand, scared to death of tornadoes and don't really enjoy the stormy weather. The dogs were not impressed by the storm the other night either. Myst grew up mainly in Kansas when she was little, but that was over 3 years ago. Kaia has never really been around severe weather. She was very restless and nervous about the rain and 60 mile per hour wind.

Monday I went for a job interview. I went out and bought a new shirt for the occassion because I don't really have any dress clothes that fit me. I looked pretty amazing. I went to the interview and they told me they would let me know by the end of the week if I had or hadn't gotten the job. They called me about an hour later to offer me the position. I will be working at an area elementary school as a paraeducator. The teacher is really excited about having me work for her since I can help her with a lot of things other paras can't, such as progress monitoring and IEP development. I will only be working about 30 hours a week, which is okay with me. It will be a nice break from my old job... actually, anything would be a nice break from that place. I will only be working there until school is out. I hope that in the meantime I can find a teaching job down in Missouri.

Things are going good with Thayer getting out of the Air Force thus far. We have base access until March 2014 and insurance until the end of September 2012. I should hopefully have a teaching job by the time we don't have Tricare anymore. That's the plan anyways. We all know how plans don't always work out.

I've ran into a few people I know around my small town. Most of them do double takes and it takes them a minute to realize who I am. Most of them recognize that they know me from some where, but it takes them a few moments to place exactly who I am. It was also awesome to go out and buy clothes for my new job. I really like trying on clothes now and I'm sure I will like it even more as I shrink more in size. I just had to buy some new clothes for my new job. I'm now officially a size 12. That's pretty amazing. From a 22 to a 12 in less than 6 months.

I'm planning on getting a membership to the YMCA because the place I'm working through gets an employee discount. I want to go to the Zumba classes they have on Tues and Thurs. I guess they also offer a water Zumba class twice a week that I might go to with a friend. I know I need to start doing exercises to help tone the excess skin I'm getting. I really hope that my young age (in comparison to other WLS patients) will work to my advantage to with the shrinkage of the excess skin on my arms, thighs, and stomach.

Here is another comparison picture. The picture on the right was taken right before I went to my interview on the 27th of February.