What's Goin' On

This weekend we went back to Kansas for my nephew and dad's birthday parties. We had a good time. I can't believe my nephew is four years old already! It seems like just yesterday I was at the hospital watching him be born! The trip was relatively uneventful.

Yesterday I ordered Vitex and Red Clover herbal supplements to see if they will help in the fertility area. My original order of Vitex, which should have been delieved yesterday was cancelled by the company because it was a discontinued item. It kind of made me mad. I had an email saying it had shipped, then all of a sudden on the day it was supposed to be delivered they refund the money and tell me it is discontinued. If they would have done it earlier I could have re-ordered from some place else instead of watching another cycle tick by. Today is CD12 and so far I haven't seen any sign of ovulation, thought it is pretty earlier for that since I typically ovulate late.

This weekend Thayer and I also had our pictures taken by Prairie Rose Photography. We will get a CD with more on them, but these are the ones that were posted already. I can't believe how tiny I look in them!

Head and Heart

Lately I've been struggling a lot with what my heart and head are telling me to do. I'm so worried and unsure of everything anymore. I completely lack any confidence in almost all areas other than my education, and even in that realm I'm not altogether 100% confident. It seems like everything is falling apart around me. I feel overwhelmed and out of control. I don't know who or where to turn because anyone I try to talk to or lean on doesn't have any answers or advice for me either. I feel so defeated.

I try so hard to put on a strong face. I try to hide all the hurt and pain. I wear a mask and people rarely get to see behind it. Everytime I try to let someone, things some how get turned around and I get hurt. I try to disguise all of my problems and make it seem like I have this perfect little life, when it is anything but perfect.

I'm sure that in many ways this post seems completely vague, but I can't put everything out there without other people getting hurt.

Not Always What You Expect

I've come to learn that life isn't always what you think it will be. If you asked me at age 20 what I thought my life would look like in 5 or 10 years down the road this is certainly not what I would have envisioned.

Please don't get me wrong, I love and care about my husband, but I also think there is a certain part of me that will always wonder "what if." There is a part of me that will always care about and wonder about how my life could or might have been different if decisions were altered. I'm not sure if this is "normal" or not. I would like to think that it is.

In my past I have been in some relationships that were not exactly what I would describe as being "healthy." My first fiance was not a good man. We started dating right before I turned 17 years old. I thought for sure he was "the one." (Thank God I figured that one out before it was too late!) Things went well between us for a while. He treated me very well up until I caught him cheating on me with his ex. He didn't sleep with her, but there were emails back and forth between them where he told her how much he missed her, loved her, and wished I were her instead. This all occurred right after I turned 18, and I was a senior in high school. At this point, he had also already asked me to marry him, and naively (or stupidly) I had said yes. Also by this time the emotional abuse had started. He called me names and put me down a lot and I believed him. Because of him I had changed my college plans. I decided to go to a local university instead of out of state like I really wanted. Then it all kind of blew up in my face. A few months later he cheated on the ex who he had gotten back together with, with me. Part of me just wanted to prove that I could get him back while another part of me was lonely and scared of being alone. This, in turn, caused them to break up and I took him back. Long story short, I ended up moving in with him and things were okay for a while again. Because of the emotional abuse I had already endured from at this point, I really thought I couldn't do any better and no one else would want me. Again, the emotional abuse started and not long after the emotional abuse, the physical abuse began as well. The first time he ever hit me was when I called his ex a "slut." That should have been a red flag for me. He slapped me across the face hard enough that I ended up on the floor. Of course he promised he would never do it again and said he was sorry. I think he even bought me flowers the next day. (My God... it seems so cliche.) Time went on and I kept taking it until some online friends of mine really drew my attention to how wrong I was being treated. They really gave me the courage to leave him and strike out on my own. With this ex I do not wonder about what might have been. I don't care. I know he wasn't good for me and I know that I deserve better than any type of life he could ever offer me. End. Of. Story.

The next relationship is where things definitely linger even now. A few months after me and the asshole fiance numero uno called it quits I met another guy. He was younger than me, but we really seemed to click. I was 20 and he was 18 at the time. We had a lot in common and could talk to each other for hours on end on the phone. He made me feel happy and special and loved. We were in a long distance relationship as he lived in Missouri and I lived in Kansas. In the end, the distance was our biggest downfall, that and all the baggage I had from my previous relationship that I was still trying to work through. He found someone that lived closer and we remained friends. Most of the time we were "friends" if you get what I mean. Even when he was in other relationships he would still come to me. I still cared deeply about him and loved him that I took whatever scraps he was willing to throw my way. Nope, it wasn't a healthy relationship (for either of us), but that's neither here nor there at this point. I ended up moving to Missouri to attend college (which had always been my dream) and we continued our "friendly" relationship. God how I loved him. To this day I'm not sure if he knows just how much I really cared. I dated some in college, but the whole time I kept wishing and hoping that one day he would come to me and tell me he was sorry for everything and that he wanted to be with me. That day didn't come and I eventually met Thayer.

And the rest is history... kinda. In some ways he is the one relationship I feel I didn't really get closure with. Maybe it is due to the nature of our relationship. Maybe it's how everything turned out with him and his now ex and me and Thayer getting married so quickly. I'm not really sure. Sometimes I do wonder "what if" and think about "what might have been." Is it normal? I supposed to some extent it is. Do I still care about him? Yes, he is and will forever be my friend. Do I love him? Again, yes. Do I love him differently than I did in the past? Yes and no. Am I sometimes confused about my feelings? Yep... but I'm trying to work through that and figure things out. Hey... I'm just being honest here. Do I love my husband? Yes. Does he drive me nuts a lot of the time? YES!!! Would I change my life and that path I'm currently on? I don't know, life is a work in progress.

Things are a little weird now that I'm living in Missouri again. This is my old college stomping ground. This where I found freedom and independence. It's weird now to be back and be married and no longer have all those same freedoms. Life doesn't always turn out the way you expect it to. The road of my life has been met with storms, pot holes, speed bumps, twists, turns, and mountains.... but I'm still here trying to make it through and trying to make the best out of everything I've been given. Yes, I get discouraged. Yes, I get knocked off track. Yes, I get scared and sometimes don't know which way to go or turn... but I try. I guess that's what makes the difference. Trying and sucking things up no matter what road blocks come up.

rock(MARY)hardplace

Sometimes I feel like I'm always stuck between a rock and hard place.

I get so frustrated with Thayer. Sometimes I feel like I'm ignored a lot. I feel like he doesn't care whether I'm around or not. I feel neglected. I don't feel like he's supportive of me or my goals. I feel like I'm always second or third. Sometimes I want to be first. Sometimes I want to be the most important thing in his life and I never feel like I am anymore. I'm almost always frustrated or annoyed with him. I hate feeling this way but I don't know how to fix it. I can't fix it alone and I don't think he cares to even try to fix things between us. Do I love him? Yes. Do I want to try and make things better? Yes... but it can't be one sided. He's not willing to budge. No matter how I approach it. I've tried being nice. I've tried being a bitch. I've tried pleading. I've tried yelling. There isn't much I haven't tried to get his attention and make him realize how I'm feeling.

Here's a few examples of what I'm talking about.

I get up in the morning and go to work. I work until 3:30. He's upstairs on his computer playing games or in the "man cave" playing games. I'm in the living room watching TV or doing homework or getting ready to cook dinner. I'm just in the other room doing something. He doesn't come out and see me when I get home from work. Doesn't even acknowledge that I'm home from work. No hello kiss... nothing. That really hurts. He emerges for dinner and eats dinner with my parents and me. Then he goes back upstairs or to the cave. I don't see him again usually until I go upstairs to go to bed.

Another example: Yesterday we went to see the Hunger Games. (Awesome movie... even more awesome book). Then we went and played two rounds of mini-golf and went to dinner at Outback Steakhouse. When we got home around 6 he immediately went upstairs and started playing games on his computer. I saw him when he came down to pee or smoke a cigarette. Otherwise I didn't see him until I went upstairs to go to sleep at 1am. I kinda bitched about it when I went upstairs that I was sick of not seeing him and not spending time with him because he's always on his games. He basically got an attitude with me and was pissy about it.

I don't know what to do anymore. I can't fight this fight alone. He has to want things to get better too. I don't want to feel neglected and unimportant anymore. I want him to want to spend time with me. I want someone to want me as much as I want them. I want to be with someone that likes to spend time with me... that lives and breathes being with me. If I don't do that for him... then I don't know. I want to feel wanted and needed and I just don't feel that way anymore. I feel like he takes me and everything I do for him for granted.

Process of Adjusting

It is so weird and strange to be out of Minot and to not be (almost) a military wife. That was my home and identity the entire time I've been married to Thayer. The last few weeks have definitely been an adjustment for myself and the husband. It has been difficult for a variety of reasons. I know Thayer has to get used to not being in the military, which is the only thing that he's known his whole adult life. We've had a few fights and lots of bickering. I hope things get better. I just don't know how to fix it right now. Maybe we just need some time to get used to our new life. We probably could also work a little harder at our relationship.

As of today I'm officially off birth control for at least the next month (maybe two). I'm 6 months post-op and it's time to see how my body is working on it's own. I'm really keeping track of my cycle so we can try to NOT get pregnant. That seems so weird. Now I have to count days and track temperature to try to NOT get pregnant. Part of me just wants to say fuck it and go ahead and not care about getting pregnant... whatever happens will happen. That's what my heart says... just whatever will be, will be. My head, however, knows better. I guess I will just have to listen to my head for now. I will be able to listen to my heart soon enough.

Glad This Week Is Over. Period.

For lots of reasons I have had a very rough week. It's just a lot of little things piling up and feeling like I have no where to turn.

First of all, things have been really rocky with Thayer and I. We've been having a lot, and I mean A LOT of issues. We're considering marriage counseling, even though I believe counselors are mostly quacks. I've never really had a good experience with one except when I was in elementary school. I'm not sure what the best solution will be. I don't want to give up because it's worth the fight. Just some of the things that have happened, wow.

I've been having trouble dealing with my surgery and the common side effects. It's making beyond frustrated to feel this tired all the time. You would think that dropping 30 pounds would give you more energy, but every day I feel like I've ran a 5k marathon. I talked to the surgeon when I had my 6 week check on Thursday, but he said it was normal because my body is trying to learn how to sustain itself from itself. Because I eat so little, I'm living off of the stuff that already exists in my body. It hasn't been fun. It hasn't been easy. I've encountered a few food that have made my tummy upset, but I've done  good with most foods. Today I ate half a lean pocket and boy was I a sick chica for a while. So needless to day, I've been irritated by not having any energy and feeling tired all the time.

I've also had some issues with dealing with my infertility. Just a lot has happened this week to remind me over and over again what a failure I am. It's been really hard to look at the bright side of things this week. Lately it's been really hard to deal with the fact that we can't even think about trying for another 11 months. I can't help but think about my baby. I would be almost full term now. I know I should look at the "good" things in my life. And believe me I try... but sometimes it's hard. Really Hard. Unless you've been through infertility and/or miscarriage I just can't explain it. There's just something about remembering the due date or seeing different things at Facebook that just tears at your heart.

I've also been really homesick. I miss my friends back home. There's just something about having someone you feel comfortable around no matter what and you know you can call at any time. There's just something about someone you've known for most of your life that can't be replaced. I may not talk to them all the time, but I know they love and care about me no matter what happens.

All in all... I've felt very irritated, frustrated, alone, upset, sad, run down, etc. Oh... and to top it off I'm PMSing because it's about that time. Yay! *rolls eyes*

Sorry for the depressing, bitchy blog... but yeah.

I'm not moving on... I'm moving forward.

As I stated recently, life lately has been pretty turbulent. I just have to keep reminding myself to keep moving forward. At times it may be slow going, but focusing on what is ahead is the only way I know to keep myself from looking in the rearview mirror. I've gotta live and let live. One foot in front of the other. The past is behind me... I need to live for the now and look to the future. I can't live my life through "what ifs" and "maybes." Sure, I might think that way from time to time, but it is time to focus on other things.

I know today I'm a much different person than I was at age 18, 20, etc. I've grown and changed... some for the better and probably some for the worse as well. Things have happened to make me the way I am. It's good to see those that I used to surround myself with are trying to hard to change their lives as well. I'm grateful for the friendships I've had (and even lost) because those individuals helped me grow and change. I'm grateful as well for all the relationships I had. If it weren't for those men then I wouldn't be the woman I am today. I learned a lot from each and everyone of them. I don't regret the time I was with them... because that would be like regretting a part of me. Whether I like it or not (some more hate than anything) those people will always be a part of the person I am now. Each day I learn, grow, change, and really, I couldn't ask for more than that. Sometimes it's fun to wonder about what might have been or what could have been.

I'm a lucky woman because I've known love more than once in my life. I loved one person for many years and I know that I will always care about him and love him. I can't just erase that from my mind and heart. He put me through a lot and I'm sure I wasn't always the easiest person to get along with, but I hope that somewhere deep inside we've both grown and learned from our experiences. I want nothing but the best for him in the future now matter how things work out for him and for myself. I'm glad to have known him and I'm glad to still be his friend. In the end, we never know how life might play out. What's meant to be will always find a way I suppose and you just have to wait and see how things play out in the future.

My other love is my husband. I do love him dearly. We've been through a lot in our 3 year relationship. More than most newlyweds can even imagine. Infertility, Minot, miscarriage, military... the list of complications goes on and on. We have our ups and downs... Right now we're going through a rough patch and I can only hope that things will eventually get better and not worse. We have both agreed to work more on "us" when I get back up the North Dakota. I guess we will see what happens. Losing the baby was our big downfall. Honestly I would rate our relationship at an 8 or 9 before the baby... now we're at maybe a 5 (sometimes lower). Like I've said before, you just have to keep moving forward and what is meant to happen will happen.

And I miss you everyday...

So this last Thursday I went in and got a tattoo in rememberance of my Grandma V (2000), Grandpa V (2004), my sister, Kim (2007), and my angel baby (2011). Above the angel are 4 stars to represent each of my angels in the color of their birthstone. (2 pink/rose for Grandpa and Kim who were born in October, emerald green for my Grandma who was born in May, and Aquamarine-ish for my angel baby Hope who was born in March.) I got it done at Next Generation Tattoo by Bryan. :)

Thinking about my tattoo makes me miss them all the more. I know they'll always be with me and be in my heart, but I wish I could hug them and see them. I wish we could take little trips to heaven.

I miss my angel baby so much. I would be just over 23 weeks pregnant if I could have held onto her for just a little bit longer.

Last night Thayer and I got into a fight (yeah, we've been doing that a lot as of late). I'm still down here on vacation so it wasn't as bad a most. I told him it was going to be hard going back to work and working with two women in my room that are both pregnant, and later when we were fighting he used this as ammo against me. He said (or typed because we were chatting online) that I bitch all the time and that I even bitch about pregnant people at work and I should just get used to it because there are preggie people everywhere. Then I proceeded to yell at him (type in all caps) that "YOUR BABY DIDN'T DIE." I really said that before I thought because what he said hurt me so much. He then opened up to me a little. He had told most of his shop that I was pregnant right after we found out because he was so happy (I didn't know this because he never acted that happy about it at home). So some of the guys come up and ask him when I'm due. He said that it "takes everything in him to not break down when I have to tell them you miscarried." He doesn't open up about his emotions easy. That's just how he was raised. His family is.... odd to say the least.

I just wish things between him and me could change but they only seem to be getting worse and worse. I'm not sure what I'm going to do at this point. I want things to change, but I don't see that I'm doing anything wrong. I don't think it is wrong of me to ask for help around the house when half the time he works less hours in a week than I do and I go to school on top of working. I think he should pitch in but he never does. I think he should respect me more than he does. There are a more than a couple of things that need to start changing if our marriage has any hopes of surviving. Things weren't too bad until after the miscarriage, but after I lost the baby I just didn't care to watch what I said to him. Especially after I was screaming and crying and all he could say is "What's wrong with you?" and "Are you okay?"  *sigh* Ok... vent about the husband is over.

Bumpy Road

This last week has been pretty bump. I've been especially moody and so has Thayer. Two moody people make for an unhappy household. Hopefully things get better soon. I've had it up to my ears with everything. I know part of my moodiness is from being on and just getting off of my period. There were other things that just made this week hard. It just seems that everywhere I look there is a reminder that I'm not pregnant, that I'm not going to be a mom. Facebook announcements... people who started trying after me who got pregnant and had a baby and are now announcing their second pregnancy... while I'm still waiting on baby #1.

I hate how bitter and angry I am at God. I believe in God. I'm an Agnostic Theist. I believe in a higher power. Right now I just believe that He, whoever He is, is cruel and heartless. He's unfair and unjust. He's and Indian giver (I knowm not politically correct). He lets good people, genuinely great people suffer while people who are horrid get everthing their little heart desires. He doesn't give things to those that deserve it, but instead rewards those who don't. I know all that I've just said will probably make some people angry. Heck, it might even make some people not want to be my friend anymore. So be it. I thought I believed in Karma, you know... that you reap what you sew. I'm not so sure anymore. I've been doing lots of good things with my life. I always have. I volunteer. I help people out.... but where is any of it coming back to me? What have I done in my life so horrible as to deserve this punishment of infertility?

To top it off, other things in my life have become complicated and just weird. I'm so ready for my vacation and to get away from Minot for at least a little while. I need a break from everything, and honestly it can't come fast enough.

On a better note, the clinic on base got my records sent down to the surgeon. I go for my first consult on June 21st. I hope that Thayer will be able to go with me. On the 22nd I go in for my Psych eval that they make everyone have prior to surgery. The first consultation with the surgeon will be pretty basic. After they get that information and the info from the consultation they will submit it to Tricare and wait for approval. We will also discuss potential surgery dates because they will have a pretty good idea how long it will take Tricare to approve me for the surgery.

Love Don't Run

In our 2 1/2 year marriage, Thayer and I have been through a lot. We've loved, fought, grieved, cried, rejoiced, and hoped. We've been through hell and have come out the other side. Relationships in general have their ups and downs. Thayer and I have had mountains at times. He and I have worked together to overcome everything and come out on the otherside closer and stronger. We have a love that most people only dream of. Infertility treatments, pregnancy loss... these are things that can either make or break a marriage. I'm proud to say that we're making it. We keep trudging along, though it is hard at times. Neither one of us are far from perfect. We carry our own unique baggage from our pasts... but I can't believe how close and far we have come in the almost 3 years we've been a couple.

I picked this song because I'm sure there are times that it would have been easier for either one of us to simply run away and give up. The military throws us crazy things.. weird schedules, days without seeing him, always the unexpected. I'm not pleasant, to say the least, when I'm in the middle of a Clomid cycle. I'm pretty sure I was pretty bitchy when I was pregnant. I've been pretty emotional since the miscarriage. All these things I'm sure it would have been easier to give up and walk away, but he didn't. Thayer chose to stay by my side to help me and love me the best that he can. I couldn't ask for a better husband... even if he is an asshole sometimes :)

Untitled Randomness

Woosa weekend cancelled... thank you Air Force. The one weekend I really need to forget about things (Mother's Day) and you have to take my husband away from me. I appreciate it. I know I shouldn't bitch because there are spouses to have husband's deployed, etc. but yeah... I hate never being able to make plans or have a life of my own. I feel like I'm dependant upon my husband and it just generally pisses me off.

On a different note... I find more and more as I age that you think you know someone, then BAM they blow your mind. This goes in either direction. You think you know someone then they do something horrible and disappoint you or hurt your.... or you think you know someone and they do something awesome and are a great friend. I suppose this "you never truly know someone" thing doesn't ever end does it? Boy, that really sucks.

Tuesday I mailed off my information packet to the surgeon. Hopefully next week early in the week I get a phone call to schedule my appointment. I really need to call them. I have a couple of questions about how to fill out the medical release forms they gave me to give to my doctors. I also need to know exactly how far back I need to go. I also need to know if I need to meet their standards for surgery (which are the Blue Cross/Blue Shield standards) or if I just need to meet Tricare standards, which are slightly different. I know for a fact that I meet the requirements set up by Tricare... so I hope I can just go by that because I'm really not too sure about BC/BS requirements. I just really really want this to work out. I want to know if it will sooner rather than later. I don't want to put off trying longer than I have to.

This month we are going without birth control. I really don't know how I feel about it. I really don't think I will get pregnant. I mean, in the past, I've had to have Clomid to ovulate mature eggs. I have, in the last 2 years, ovulated on my own, but one of two things happened. 1. Thayer's sperm didn't find it's mark or 2. The eggs weren't mature enough, good enough, etc. I would be FLOORED if I got pregnant on my own. I don't think I want to get pregnant (lol yeah, there's a first for everything) until I know about surgery for sure. I mean, I want the surgery because I know, in the long run that will be the best thing for me and for the babies we will have. If I get pregnant, that means I will never have the surgery, but I'll have a baby. *sigh* double edge sword I guess. I don't know what to hope for... surgery or a baby. I hope that I at least get something I want. I hate playing the waiting game. In the end, I'm going to be one of the most patient people in the world.

I also just realized that today would have been the last day of my first trimester... I hope this gets easier. I'm sick of feeling like an emotional wreck. I don't want to miss my baby anymore. Sometimes I wish I never would have tested and seen the postitive test. Maybe if I hadn't known, it wouldn't have hurt so bad to say goodbye.

Burning the Candle at Both Ends

Overworked.
Underpaid.
Overstressed.
Worn Out.
Tired.
Depressed.
Over-educated.
Under appreciated.
Underwhelmed and Overwhelmed.
Burned Out.
Disgruntled.

.... The list could go on and on.

I just feel so (see the above list). School. Work... WORK. Infertility. Family. Miscarriage. Military life. Surgery. I'm not even sure where to begin or end. I need a woosa day. I'm really thinking that Thayer and I need to take a weekend and go somewhere... ANYWHERE and stay the night away from this place. I need to get away and July simply isn't coming fast enough. At this point we're not even sure if Thayer can go with me back home to Kansas. All I know is... I might need a friend to watch the dogs this weekend so we can have some married couple time alone and the hell away from Minot.

Harry Potter-athon

So... I love Harry Potter... the movies, the books.... the games. I LOVE Harry Potter! This weekend Thayer and I had a Harry Potter-athon. We sat and watched all of the movies on video in honor of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1 being released on DVD. I love spending time with my husband, even if I am, at times, distracted because I'm doing homework at the same time. I'm so glad I share common interests with my husband (like Harry Potter). I know I'm a huge dork, but Thayer loves me for it. He laughs that I cry when Dumbledore dies... but eh... I still cry everytime. I cried when Hedwig died too. I once wrote an essay over Harry Potter for my Young Adult Literature class. I must say, it was very good and I received an A. It was about discrimination in Harry Potter.... you know, mud blood, muggles, pure bloods. It was a really awesome topic! Anyways, yay for my Harry Potter-athon!

We all have these kinds of days... right?

Today was a bad day... no other way to describe it. It was a horrible, rotten, no good, very bad day. It started off with Kaia waking me up whining over and over again. Then I got up and got started on my homework and nothing was going right. I didn't understand one part of the project. I needed more ink for my printer... then after Thayer had already ran to the BX, I realized I was out of paper too. I was just so moody. Then I looked around and saw that the house was a mess. While I was struggling with my homework, my husband was sitting on his computer playing a game. It just didn't seem fair at all that I worked 6 days this week, then had to do homework... and then had to do all the housework. So I snapped. I mean I went off on him... I ripped him a new asshole. I yelled, I screamed, I just.... Snapped. When I was mad and yelling at him the truth came out.. and we ended up just holding each other and crying. I was mad at him, deep inside, for not being there when I lost the baby. First, he wouldn't go to the hospital with me... and then when I was crying and in so much pain when I passed the baby he was lying on the couch sleeping his lunch break away. At one point I was lying on the couch crying loudly, he woke up and asked me what was wrong... then just went back to sleep. I was ANGRY... I was angry that I had to throw our baby away. I was angry that he got to sleep while I had to flush our baby down the toilet. I was angry because I thought he was semi-happy that I lost the baby and with the move and getting out of the Air Force... it would just be easier to not have the baby. I was angry because he didn't seem to care. I could go on and on... I was just so angry. I'm glad it is out in the open... I'm glad we got it out of the way. I just wish I could have calmly talked to him about it. I don't think I would have ever talked to him about it, had we not fought though. Everything is fine now... but it was seriously a bad day.

Lately I've just been so stressed and frustrated... school, work, moving (not knowing about moving), the miscarriage.... It's just so much to deal with it. I feel overwhelmed and all alone at times. I'm one of those people that feels they always have to be strong, not talk about it, deal with it on my own.... That's just how I am. I don't talk... and then it all builds up.

This not knowing about moving is driving me crazy. We know we have to be out of Minot by the 31st of May... but we have no check list. We have no orders... we have nothing to go off of. The papers are signed so we know we're leaving by the 31st... but that is ALL we know. Not being able to plan anything is killing me. It is so frustrating.

When Shit Hits the Fan...

When shit hits the fan you find out just how amzing your husband is.... you also find out who your true friends are.

Over the last week, I have come to see just how awesome my husband is. He's held me while I cried my heart out repeatedly. He's gotten me food... he's cooked... he's cleaned... he's taken great care of me. He has shown me just how much he really loves me. So many things have gone wrong this year. My husband and I have been through so much in our 2 1/2 years of marriage and we just keep getting stronger. Infertility, separation from the military, moving across the US, miscarriage... we've just had it rough at times. I know that sticking together, helping each other and loving each other just makes us a better and stronger couple. That's right ladies... be jealous because my husband is AHHHH-Mazing!

I've also really come to appreciate certain friends even more over the past week or two. It's one thing to stick beside someone when times are good; anyone can do that. It is something completely different to support and be there for someone when their life seems to be falling apart. I love my friends all over the US!!

Stay on the Sunny Side...

So... I have had a Shit-tacular week. Bad news from the doctor yesterday. Bad news from the husband today. From now on, I'm going to try to stay on the "sunny side" of life.


First to fill you in on the bad news.

Doctor - I kept testing for ovulation with OPKs. I never got a positive... I only had faint LH lines. I called the doctor and he told me "Oh you probably aren't going to ovulate this month. Try again next month." Ok... it wouldn't be so bad if 1. Clomid didn't make me sick as a dog and 2. I didn't have to have a random person stick a "wand" up my va-jayjay twice a month. It seems like all the pain and sickness is in vain when nothing happens.

Thayer - Thayer is more than likely getting early separation from the Air Force. At first it really made me upset. I mean its like we're getting tossed on the street. No job, no home, no insurance, no nothing. After I got home from work Thayer and I sat down and made a plan. If he does get early separation we will most likely have to move by May 31st. If this is the case we are going to go back to Kansas and live with my parents for 2 months until he can start school in August and use his GI Bill and get BAH, etc. He is planning to go to Missouri State University just like I did because they have a great Computer Science program. Thayer was really upset because he thought I might leave him or something. I had to reassure him that NO I wasn't going to live him... I married him for better or for worse and as lot as we have each other, we have everything!


Pluses of getting out of the military:
GOOD BYE MINOT!... HELLO MALLS, WARMTH, CIVILIZATION!!!

lol

Things will be okay! Yes, I will miss the wonderful ladies that have become my friends up here in North Dakota... but I also miss my friends and family terribly from back home!

Just Another Day...

So the last few days I have been loaded with homework. It was mostly my own fault because I procrastinated for entirely too long. I got it all done and submitted on time. So far I have a 4.0 in Grad school so I'm very proud of myself.

The weekend I have some things going on. Saturday I'm going shopping with Martha and Cristina and out to breakfast/lunch.

I'm currently reading a really awesome book called The Book Thief. It's set during WWII and takes a unique look at the situation between the Jews and Nazis. I definitely recommend it to everyone. It's technically a YA novel, but it is a book that everyone can get into and find something they relate to.

Thayer and I's anniversary is coming up. It's been an interesting 2 years, but I don't think I would change any of it. I love him, and at times I don't think that he even realizes how much I love and care about him.

Quick Update...

So Thayer and I have been married nearly 2 years now (Oct. 16th). We have been trying to get pregnant for a little over a year. PCOS is a bitch, and Thayer... well I think he's about a chapter behind me in the book of life when it comes to baby making. I have lived in Minot about a year and a half now. I still don't like it up there and I don't think I ever will. I love Kansas/Missouri. I miss my friends and family (well most of them). I'm back home visiting right now. I didn't really understand just how much I missed my friends and Springfield (college life) until I went there to visit. Hopefully in 2 years the economy will be good enough that Thayer can get out of the AF because I don't know how much longer I can last as an Air Force wife. I thought I knew what I was getting into when I got married to him... but boy did I have no clue. I had this notion that military wives/families formed this bond and became like a real family (you know, like the shit you see on TV). NOT TRUE... it is a COMPLETE work of fiction. I have found out that most military moms won't talk to you or socialize with you unless you've popped a kid out of your vajayjay. There is more drama on a military base than there ever was in my high school. Most military wives think I'm crazy for going to school and getting a degree because I'm apparently supposed to be barefoot and pregnant all the time. They think I'm even MORE crazy because I have no desire to be a stay-at-home mom. Whatever. Oh... and I'm also done pussyfooting around trying not to piss people off. Stupid people suck. Immature people suck. I'm currently going to school working on my Master's degree in Special Education - Learning Disabilities. Online classes are a bitch... and taking 9 credit hours of Graduate classese during the summer is a mistake I will NEVER make again. Thayer and I have 2 dogs, Myst and Kaia. They're cute and a handful. I'm sure there's more... but it is bedtime so I can get up in the morning and work on more homework... yay! *rolls eyes* Sorry for the ranty moments... :-P