This is a window into my life.... Infertility, Pregnancy Loss, Marriage, Weight Loss Surgery, and finally... a multiple pregnancy.

Learn more about my Infertility Journey here:
3 years and counting

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Thursday, December 30, 2010

Assumptions make and ASS out of U and ME (ASSUME)

I really hate when people assume things. In fact, it is one of my biggest pet peeves. I'm sure we're all guilty of doing it from time to time but isn't it easier to just ask? So I'm going to lay things all out for ya'll about some assumptions people like to make about me.

1. Yeah I post sad status' on Facebook. Sorry if you don't like it. You can get over it or delete me. I post them about many things and I don't usually come right out and say what caused it because sometimes it frankly isn't your effing business. Like back in October I posted a status about wanting to go curl up and cry. Someone assumed it was about my infertility and got all mad at me and lectured me. It turns out that that day was my sister's birthday. Hmmm why might I be crying on my sister's birthday... because she was murdered in 2007. I think I have the right to want to curl up and cry on that day if I damn well want to. Was I going to post to the world that it was my murdered sister's birthday? NO.

2. I'm fat because I'm lazy, eat bad, etc. Yeah I'm a fatty... if you don't like it don't be my friend. I'm the way I am because well I'm the way I am. I watch what I eat... (1600 calories a day)... I exercise... I have a condition that makes it EXTREMELY hard to lose weight, plus HELLO look at my family... we're all fatties. I'm not a pig, I don't over eat. Before I was in preschool I was put on every steroid known to man to try and help my horrible asthma, which probably didn't help.

3. I'm a bitch all the time... NOPE I'm a bitch some of the time. I'm a bitch if you're a bitch to me first or if you try to hurt my family or friends.

.... Hmmm I'll have to add to this when I think of more...

Who's Excited For Their Period... ME ME ME!

Ok... so for once I'm excited to get my period. Yes, I know I'm a freak. Why would someone who is trying to have a baby be excited to get their period... well....! I know I'm not pregnant so now I'm just waiting for the Provera to work and make my period happen... then I can start Clomid and have my ultrasounds done! If I start on the next couple of days I should be able to pee on a stick right around my birthday. If I'm not prego I can drink my ass off and forget about it OR if I am prego I can be super happy on my birthday. So... THREE CHEERS FOR STARTING CLOMID.... HIP HIP HOORAY.... ok... that's enough.

Pretty Ugly Liars

Does anyone else get a little thrill when they know they've caught someone in a lie or you know they are completely exaggerating? I know I do! lol I usually keep it to myself and just giggle when they post things on Facebook or other places. Oh... and I love when they say one thing and then 2 weeks later post something contradictory... because OMG on Facebook you can soooo go back and look at what they said previously! I guess some people might believe them and fall for their "drama" but I (and many others) are NOT that stupid! Google is a wonderful tool and easy to use.

"If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything." ~Mark Twain.

Monday, December 27, 2010

I Love Rollercoasters, BUT this is bloody RIDICULOUS!

So... the last week or so has been a huge rollercoaster. My moods are unpredictable at best. Anyone that says that being pregnant causes crazy mood swings has obviously never been through infertility treatment and had their body pumped full of every synthetic hormone known to man. The last week has just been rough. First there was Christmas. It's always hard being away from family (well certain family). I miss my mom. I miss my dad. I miss not freezing my ass of in North Dakota.

I also started work 3ish weeks ago now. Work is actually good. Some of the women are well... women. A-typical, catty, cliche belonging, women. Oh... and then there's the ONE woman. She will be called Witchy. I had a run in with Witchy because I was in a room with 10 pre-toddlers. She was changing diapers (which I offered to do). She warned me that one particular child was a 'biter' and to watch him. Witchy wasn't exactly nice in the way she told me this but I brushed it off. So... she was changing diapers and I was in charge of the other 9 children. So Mr. Biter bit her "favorite" while I was stopping another child from hitting his friend with a toy. It then became all my fault that Mr. Biter bit the other little girl. SOOO annoying. She was so rude to me the rest of the day and she's still rude to me and glares at me when she sees me in the hallway. Witchy is also the woman I was warned to watch out for before I was even hired. lol so that's saying something!

Oh... lets see... What else has happened this week. We called the in-laws for Christmas and talked to my mother and sister in law. My father-in-law was spending Christmas "alone" *cough cough* in the Phillipines. Whatever. I'm glad I've never had to talk to him and probably will never talk to him. He's an asshole. Thayer found out from his sister the REAL reason why their dad isn't talking to him. It's not because Thayer got married and they didn't know about it, it's because Thayer married someone that he never would have. In his words... Thayer married a "fat" girl and I'm not good enough to be a member of his family for this reason. Well, it's a damn good thing that this "fat" girl lives an ocean away because I'm sure this "fat" girl could and would kick his ass if he ever had the balls to say that to my face. My father-in-law is a worthless piece of shit. I could go on and on and vent about his stupid ass. You would THINK a father would be happy that his son found someone he wanted to spend the rest of his life with and that his son was happy. You would THINK that a father would be proud that his son married a woman that is successful in her own right... meaning I put myself through college. I'm working on my Master's degree... etc. NO... he has to be a shallow PRICK.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Well It's a Bittersweet Symphony...

So, it is now officially Christmas Eve. It's a bittersweet day. The holidays haven't felt "right" for a long time now. I go through the motions... I cook the turkey... I buy the presents... but it feels empty. There is a void somewhere deep inside that I'm not quite sure how to fill or if it will ever be filled. Don't get me wrong... I like Christmas time, it just doesn't feel like it used to. Is it because I'm older? I don't know. *sigh*

Christmas feels even more weird without my family around. Most people I know have their "own" family. By own family I mean children. I don't have that. GRRRR! I'm trying so hard to be positive and focus on what I DO have and not on what I don't have but it's so hard sometimes. I miss my mom... I miss my dad... I miss above freezing temperatures. This time of the year is always exceptionally difficult for me. I try so hard, I really do. May be next year there will be a baby's first Christmas ornament and stocking hanging in my house. Who knows?

Sunday, December 12, 2010

The Plague!

So... I seem to have gotten sick. One week of working at the CDC and the little buggers make me ill! lol. It's not their fault though. It amazes me how many parents bring their children to daycare knowing that they are sick. Actually, it makes me really sad. I know parents have jobs, they need to work... blah blah blah. We have parents that are single parents and are enlisted in the AF. I get it... I really do... but where do you draw the line? It looks like I'll have to call in... well make that Thayer will have to call in for me because my voice resembles that of a mouse caught in a trap. I sound awful! I have yellow and green stuff coming from my respitory system. mmm doesn't that sound yummy? So I guess I'll be going to the doctor tomorrow instead of work! Oh... and to top it off I also get to pee on a stick tomorrow and see if I'm pregnant. More than likely it is a big fat negative. Then I get to start my Provera. Ok... so I'mma gonna quit typing now. The medicine is making me cooky!

Friday, December 10, 2010

I Pee on Things for FUN!....

So... just an update. I know some of you are waiting on baby news from me... so here's the scoop. I tested today and it was negative, BUT I ovulated late this month so I'm not technically late. I can test 14 days after I ovulated. This gives time for implantation and the HCg levels to get high enough to be detectable. So... Monday is the day I am actually "technically" late. On a side note... I went and got my prescription for Clomid so I am set for my next cycle if I am not prego now. Dr. Billings is starting me out on 100mg. So once I can get a prego test from the base and certify that I'm not pregnant I can go on the Provera... have my period and start trying for a baby again. This endless, vicious cycle doesn't end. I'm done getting my hopes up... though I know I still do. Today I started off the day by peeing on a stick and hoping... and then I was disappointed and that put me in a shitty mood for the rest of the day. Actually, work kind of helped with it. I had so much to do today that I couldn't think about it until I got home again... and now I'm just angry.

I'm angry because people that are stupid can have kids and I can't.

People that abuse their children can have kids and I can't.

People with no money can have kids that I have to help pay for with my tax dollars... but I can't.

I have a college degree, I have a loving and faithful husband, I have money... I have everything. I did everything right. I waited... went to college and graduated... got married.... I DID IT RIGHT! The way mommmy and daddy always told me I should.

Yeah... I'm sounding grumpy and pessimistic again... but fuck it. If you don't like it... I don't give a shit. This is me and I deserve to feel the way I feel. If you can't respect that, feel free to not read and/or delete me from facebook. The unfairness that is rampant in this world... well it's no wonder why I'm Agnostic.

So... I started Tuesday at the CDC. It isn't to bad. I do a lot of running around because I don't have my own "class" yet and I won't have my own for a while. I was in one classroom all day today so that was nice. Like any workplace with a lot of women, there seem to be a lot of cliques. We will see how that goes. I get to come home from lunch, which is nice.

Thayer has been on his man-period this last week. I really just wanna feed him Midol... Ok... that's it for now!

Sunday, December 5, 2010

I've Got Friends in Cold Places.....

So... I just want to say that I've made some really amazing friends up here in this frozen tundra that is Minot AFB. They have no idea how much they help me and make me smile even when I really really don't want to. I love them for all that they do and never even know they do! I never wanted to be a military wife... and to be perfectly honest, my first experiences with other military wives really left a sour taste in my mouth. I'm glad to have finally met some ladies that except me for who I am, flaws included! I'm not perfect, no one is and I'm so happy that they understand me. I'm finally starting to come out of my shell and let them see the goofy side of me! I really can be a lot of fun... just sayin! While Minot might not be my favorite place in the world, the company I now keep is making these cold winter months worth while.

Also, to my friends back home, I love you all too! I miss you guys and I can't wait to see you the next time I get to come home! I love how we can always pick up right where we left off like we were never even apart. I know that distance can and does put a strain on any type of relationship, but I'm glad to know that I can alway call you and harrass you!

Friday, December 3, 2010

Snow Snow go AWAY

Blah... sick of winter already... only 4 more months to go! I think I have seasonal mood disorder!

Anyways, it has been a while since I last wrote, so I thought I would fill y'all in on what is going on in my life. It is now December and yet another year is coming to a close... I'm hoping 2011 will be a wonderful year!

So, I will start Clomid this month. I am waiting to go in and have my pregnancy test done because my ovaries decided to work on their own this month. I got an LH spike on my OPKs this last weekend... so maybe this month I will be extra lucky and get prego on my own and not even have to take the Clomid! Yeah... right... I'm never that lucky. So, basically to get the Clomid I had to go behind my REs back and just deal with my OB/GYN. I don't feel bad because I'm getting what I want! I deserve to be able to choose what I do with my body. It's my choice if I want to try Clomid before doing more evasive procedures and that's exactly what I'm going to do. Again, if it doesn't work, I'll move on to something more drastic. So... please keep your fingers crossed that this month will be the month or the Clomid will work for me! For the Clomid, I get to go in on CD1 through CD3 (CD = Cycle Day) and have an ultrasound done and see if my eggs are growing. Then I take the Clomid CD3-CD7. Then I go in on CD13 to see how my eggs are... then they hubby and I have "happy time" every other day from then on. Having "happy time" every other day is the best way to try and get prego. Maybe we'll get a little Christmas miracle... or maybe I'll by Thayer's sperm a map to my eggs for Christmas and I'll get a birthday miracle. (My birthday is Jan. 29th).

Lets see... enough about my ovaries! I start at the CDC on Tuesday. I'm hoping I like it. We really don't need the money, but it definitely will be nice to put a little extra in savings and put some away for my student loans when I finally get done with school.

This school semester is almost done, but I have decided to extend my education by one semester so I will actually graduate May 2012. The main reason for this is that I have to go back and take 2 undergrad classes: Reading and Math methods. Because I have a degree in secondary education, to get my degree for K-12 Special Education, these are requirements. I really can't take these this Spring like I was hoping because of starting work. Hopefully, once I have some time in at the CDC and see how awesome I am, they will work with my school schedule.

Hmmm... what else? Cataclysm (the new expansion pack for World of Warcraft) comes out next week! I'm really excited. I love playing it with Thayer and it's really fun playing with some of the guys Thayer works with and their wives! They're really cool guys and it was awesome having them over for Thanksgiving.