Lately it seems that everyone is pregnant. So many people I know are having their second. It's hard. I'm not going to lie. Many of them started trying for their first after Thayer and I started trying for our first. Almost 3 years after we started trying and I still have empty arms. Maybe my dream will never come true. I'm just so over waiting, testing, temping, wondering... I know we haven't been able to try at all for the last 6 months, but that doesn't make it any easier. I WANT to try. I WANT to have a baby. I WANT to have one now. I WANT to see those 2 pink lines. The problem is I CAN'T try. I mean, technically I could but that wouldn't be the smart thing to do.
I want to be happy when people tell me that they are pregnant... but it is so hard to conceal my envy especially if the child is conceived under less than stellar circumstances such as a teen mom. How can I even begin to feel happy about that? Here I am... a responsible 27 year old woman who is college educated, who has been married 3.5 years to a wonderful responsible man, but every idiot teenager and Snooki can get pregnant. Seriously? I guess at least I know now where my tax dollars are going.
It's hard to believe that this time last year I was pregnant. I didn't know it yet. We didn't find out until March 10th. Then just a short time later we found out we were losing our little dream. I still miss her all the time. How could I not? She was my baby, even though no one else seems to acknowledge she was real. I don't even think Thayer remembers. I'm scared to talk about and bring it up to him.
Today is Thayer's Birthday. I hope he had a good day. I've been really moody lately. I'm not going to lie about that either. I'm stress and just generally down. I knew March was going to be a difficult month. I knew it and thought I was prepared. But I guess I wasn't. So much change has happened in the last month. My whole world has been turned upside down and I'm reeling from it. I miss my girls. I miss the support and laughs I got from them. Even if they didn't know something was wrong they could always make me feel better. I miss them so much.