This is a window into my life.... Infertility, Pregnancy Loss, Marriage, Weight Loss Surgery, and finally... a multiple pregnancy.

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3 years and counting

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Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Winner At A Losing Game

The only thing that comes to mind for starting out this particular blog is a quote from Dirty Dancing, and I'm not really sure why.

Baby: So I did it for nothing. I hurt my family, you lost your job anyway, I did it for *nothing*!
Johnny: No, no, not for nothin', Baby! Nobody has ever done anything like that for me before.
Baby: You were right, Johnny. You can't win no matter what you do!
Johnny: You listen to me. I don't wanna hear that from you. *You* can!
Baby: [pause] I used to think so.

This kinda describes how I feel right now. I've gotten two "almost" positive OPKs, but no positive. I feel like I went through this surgery for nothing at this point. My periods are starting to become slightly irregular. This is my fourth month off of birth control. I've always had more difficulty with my left ovary not working quite right. May I ovulated from the right side (I'm pretty sure), so in June it would be lefty's turn. I think my left ovary is lazy.

Anywho, I'm feeling pretty discouraged at this point. Yes, I've lost 101 pounds, I suppose that is something to be celebrated. I look great and feel amazing. Again, this is something I should be ecstatic about... but these aren't the reason I went through with having weightloss surgery. I didn't do it to be more attractive. I didn't do it to be sexier. I did it to help become a parent. I did it to help my PCOS, which was made worse by the extra weight. I feel like I can't win no matter what I do or no matter how hard I try. I don't know if I'll ever be a parent at this point. I feel sad and hopeless. Over three years of trying and what do I have to show for it... lots of sticks that I've peed on and one dead baby. How incredibly depressing....

Before infertility and losing my baby I used to think things would be easy. I naively thought I "could" get pregnant. I even took all kinds of precautions to try and prevent it. I didn't think I would ever feel so down and hopeless. Sometimes it's better than other times... maybe I'm starting to deal with the fact that I might not ever be a parent. That's a difficult pill to swallow. I don't know how to even begin processing it, but I guess at this point it is something I need to contemplate.

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