This is a window into my life.... Infertility, Pregnancy Loss, Marriage, Weight Loss Surgery, and finally... a multiple pregnancy.

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Saturday, September 25, 2010

Infertility is not for the weak!

** Disclaimer: some of this may be TMI **

So, I have decided that this whole getting pregnant thing, I'm going through way more hell than Thayer. Because of my PCOS, I'm going through significant emotional and physical stress.

Physically, there are the medications. The first one I was placed on was Metformin. It all began fine, then they ramped me up to 1500mg a day. This made me ill. I was nauseaous and had the poops... so they reduced it down to 1250mg. I did better on this, still had the poops, but the nausea was gone. I stayed on this for months and months. I literally had the diarrhea for like 8+ months. Then about April I gave up. Before we could progress any further in our fertility treatments, Thayer needed to go in and make a donation of his "little soldiers." He kept procrastinating and finding excuses as to why he couldn't accomplish this. I think 1. that he was scared that there might really be something wrong with him and 2. that he didn't want to believe that we were having trouble starting a family. It was a hard pill for him to swallow. It seemed like it took me forever to get him on the same page as me. He kept saying that he wanted to start a family, to have a baby, but I couldn't get him to commit to going in and having his analysis run. So after months of having the poops I decided to say fuck it. Why should I have to endure that if he's not willing to jerk off in a damn cup? My periods were already starting to be jacked up, and after going off the Metformin, they became really jacked up. Thayer did finally go in and do his business. He came back 100% okay, just as I predicted.

The second medication is Provera. Provera is the devil... again I say... Provera is the DEVIL! Provera is bascially hormones (Progesterone) that helps to regulate your period. You take it, and then a couple days after your last pill you are supposed to start your period. The doctor put me on this because I had been on my period for about 3 weeks - Yes, this means bleeding for almost 3 weeks straight. While on the Provera it stopped and then when I went off it, the next day good ole Aunt Flo came back... and that bitch came back with a VENGENCE! OMG, I normally have cramping but a Provera induced period is something that you can't really comprehend unless you have been there. At times I can literally feel contractions, that's how hard I cramp. It's brutal and I have a REALLY high threshold for pain (I walked on a broken foot like 3 days after I broke it because we didn't know it was broke). Last night, I was hurting so bad even after taking 800mg of Ibprophen and laying on a head pad that I was in tears.

There are numerous other aspects of physical hell that come along with PCOS, but that is for another blog.

After you get past the physical torment, there is still the emotional torment. I'm just going to provide you with a few examples:

1. Feeling like a failure - You feel like a failure to just about everyone. The first person, your husband. Sure, he loves you, but you can't give him a family and can't be sure that he will ever be able to have a child of his very own. You feel like you're letting him down and depriving him of something. You also feel like you're letting your parents down. You want so bad for them to have another grandbaby, someone else for them to love and dote on, but your body just isn't letting you have it. Lastly, you feel like a failure at being a women. I mean, originally what were women put on this earth to do? "Be fruitful, and multiply." Well... infertility kinda take me outta that "multiplying" equation.

2. Feeling in adequate - You feel like you're inadequate, that somehow you are less of a women because you cannot have children.

3. Feeling bitter and jealous - You constantly feel bitter and jealous. Bitter because you can't have a child (at least not right now) and people that don't deserve one can. By don't deserve one I mean people who will abuse their children, or expectant mothers who take drugs or drink alcohol. Then when you get past the bitterness there is the jealousy. You're jealous of women that have children and take what they have for granted. You're jealous of women who are pregnant just because they're pregnant and they have what you want. (I know it sounds petty, but it's true.)

4. You can't watch TLC without being pissed off or crying your eyes out - You can't stand to watch all those damn baby shows because all you can think about is "Damn it, why can't that be me??!?" Then you go back to being angry and bitter!

5. Frustration - You feel frustration on many levels... Level 1: "Why won't they damn test just so 2 pink lines already." Level 2: "Why the hell can't people understand what I'm going through?" Level 3: "Fuck Everyone!" lol No but really, a lot of frustration is involved. Your frustrated with yourself because you're "broken." Your frustrated because your life isn't going how you planned. You're frustrated because people don't understand and a lot of them don't even try to understand. You're frustrated with people telling you to "relax" or to "not stress" or that "it will happen when it's meant to happen" or "get drunk, everyone gets pregnant when they're drunk." None of these little gems of advice is going to make my jacked up ovaries magically pop out an egg. Believe me, if getting drunk and being a drunken bitch every single day for the next month could ensure that I got knocked, you can bet your sweet ass that I would be a drunken bitch every single day.

I could go on and on and on... but I hope those of you that care (or even those of you that don't) can understand me and my disease a little better. Also, if you ever have any questions, feel free to ask. I'll tell you all about my jacked up ovaries and hormonal imbalances!


  1. Has Thayer still not gone in for sperm analysis? It's really not TOO big of a deal. My husband had to go in to get his junk tested - we have no problem getting pregnant - our problem was always STAYING pregnant past 6 weeks or so :( . Anyway, it really is a helpful test to get done just to see how his guys are doing; my husband had really low motility and count, which is something that factored in to our multiple miscarriages (the sperm were bad, causing all kinds of genetic problems with the fetus :( ). If he does have issues, you can get Tricare to cover at least a certain percentage of IVF so that way you have an optimal chance at carrying your own biological child.

    Have you guys been referred to a reproductive endocrinologist yet?

  2. Yeah he went in and finally had it done a couple weeks ago. He tested 100% fine. The missle field didn't mess him up any. I'm going back to an OB/GYN in October (that was the soonest they could get me in) to hopefully have more tests ran then start Clomid to see if it will make me ovulate. I'm not even sure of Minot has an RE lol.

  3. Might want to ask Ob for a referral. You may have to go down to Bismarck, but it is DEFINITELY worth the trip to see this kind of specialist. That is GREAT news that he tested 100% fine!! One less thing to have to contend with.

    Have they done ultrasound tests to see if you're ovulating? They can do a procedure where they physically insert sperm in after doing ultrasounds to ensure that you're ovulating. I'm totally drawing a blank on the name of the procedure, but I know Tricare covers it. If you haven't done it yet, they might after you start Clomid if the first month or two is not successful. Definitely ask about it at your appointment.

  4. I really hope you are able to actually go to a real fertility expert. Sorry, I think the OB/GYNs in Minot aren't so wonderful. I just really hate how they assume that just because you're in your early 20's that you can get pregnant magically, but not everyone is that lucky.
    I remember we had tried for 3 years to conceive our little one. I don't have I don't know WTF I have, but I have never been on any form of birth control or had protected sex with my husband [sorry tmi]. I guess it had to do with when I was in high school I found out I had a mass in my ovary that was the size of a grapefruit and it was literally twisting my ovary. They thought it was "dead" and told me at 17 that my chances were slim to none on having a baby. It's not the news you want to hear when you just adore children and see them everywhere [especially in the Air Force community]. I was begining to accept it, and then it happened out of nowhere.I guess they spiked my milk at the there were just times where I felt like I was a failure, like giving up and that it would never happen. I know where you're coming from when you feel like less of a woman, but it's not true. You are a strong woman because you keep going and trying despite all the heartbreak. I hope you keep your head up and know that you aren't alone. If you ever need to chat or whatever I'm here for you.


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