Infertility is not for the weak!

** Disclaimer: some of this may be TMI **

So, I have decided that this whole getting pregnant thing, I'm going through way more hell than Thayer. Because of my PCOS, I'm going through significant emotional and physical stress.

Physically, there are the medications. The first one I was placed on was Metformin. It all began fine, then they ramped me up to 1500mg a day. This made me ill. I was nauseaous and had the poops... so they reduced it down to 1250mg. I did better on this, still had the poops, but the nausea was gone. I stayed on this for months and months. I literally had the diarrhea for like 8+ months. Then about April I gave up. Before we could progress any further in our fertility treatments, Thayer needed to go in and make a donation of his "little soldiers." He kept procrastinating and finding excuses as to why he couldn't accomplish this. I think 1. that he was scared that there might really be something wrong with him and 2. that he didn't want to believe that we were having trouble starting a family. It was a hard pill for him to swallow. It seemed like it took me forever to get him on the same page as me. He kept saying that he wanted to start a family, to have a baby, but I couldn't get him to commit to going in and having his analysis run. So after months of having the poops I decided to say fuck it. Why should I have to endure that if he's not willing to jerk off in a damn cup? My periods were already starting to be jacked up, and after going off the Metformin, they became really jacked up. Thayer did finally go in and do his business. He came back 100% okay, just as I predicted.

The second medication is Provera. Provera is the devil... again I say... Provera is the DEVIL! Provera is bascially hormones (Progesterone) that helps to regulate your period. You take it, and then a couple days after your last pill you are supposed to start your period. The doctor put me on this because I had been on my period for about 3 weeks - Yes, this means bleeding for almost 3 weeks straight. While on the Provera it stopped and then when I went off it, the next day good ole Aunt Flo came back... and that bitch came back with a VENGENCE! OMG, I normally have cramping but a Provera induced period is something that you can't really comprehend unless you have been there. At times I can literally feel contractions, that's how hard I cramp. It's brutal and I have a REALLY high threshold for pain (I walked on a broken foot like 3 days after I broke it because we didn't know it was broke). Last night, I was hurting so bad even after taking 800mg of Ibprophen and laying on a head pad that I was in tears.

There are numerous other aspects of physical hell that come along with PCOS, but that is for another blog.

After you get past the physical torment, there is still the emotional torment. I'm just going to provide you with a few examples:

1. Feeling like a failure - You feel like a failure to just about everyone. The first person, your husband. Sure, he loves you, but you can't give him a family and can't be sure that he will ever be able to have a child of his very own. You feel like you're letting him down and depriving him of something. You also feel like you're letting your parents down. You want so bad for them to have another grandbaby, someone else for them to love and dote on, but your body just isn't letting you have it. Lastly, you feel like a failure at being a women. I mean, originally what were women put on this earth to do? "Be fruitful, and multiply." Well... infertility kinda take me outta that "multiplying" equation.

2. Feeling in adequate - You feel like you're inadequate, that somehow you are less of a women because you cannot have children.

3. Feeling bitter and jealous - You constantly feel bitter and jealous. Bitter because you can't have a child (at least not right now) and people that don't deserve one can. By don't deserve one I mean people who will abuse their children, or expectant mothers who take drugs or drink alcohol. Then when you get past the bitterness there is the jealousy. You're jealous of women that have children and take what they have for granted. You're jealous of women who are pregnant just because they're pregnant and they have what you want. (I know it sounds petty, but it's true.)

4. You can't watch TLC without being pissed off or crying your eyes out - You can't stand to watch all those damn baby shows because all you can think about is "Damn it, why can't that be me??!?" Then you go back to being angry and bitter!

5. Frustration - You feel frustration on many levels... Level 1: "Why won't they damn test just so 2 pink lines already." Level 2: "Why the hell can't people understand what I'm going through?" Level 3: "Fuck Everyone!" lol No but really, a lot of frustration is involved. Your frustrated with yourself because you're "broken." Your frustrated because your life isn't going how you planned. You're frustrated because people don't understand and a lot of them don't even try to understand. You're frustrated with people telling you to "relax" or to "not stress" or that "it will happen when it's meant to happen" or "get drunk, everyone gets pregnant when they're drunk." None of these little gems of advice is going to make my jacked up ovaries magically pop out an egg. Believe me, if getting drunk and being a drunken bitch every single day for the next month could ensure that I got knocked, you can bet your sweet ass that I would be a drunken bitch every single day.

I could go on and on and on... but I hope those of you that care (or even those of you that don't) can understand me and my disease a little better. Also, if you ever have any questions, feel free to ask. I'll tell you all about my jacked up ovaries and hormonal imbalances!