Thinking About You

Today I was thinking about my baby. Today I was thinking about how far I've come. I was thinking about how much I've changed. Surely everything happens for a reason and often we never know the reason.

In some ways I've become a better person since losing Baby Hope. In others, I haven't been so amazing. It's hard for me to be truly sincere when someone I know becomes pregnant. It's not that I'm not happy for them. I'm sad for myself. I think, "When will it finally be my turn?" I question everything. I question the little bit of faith I have left, the tiny speck of faith that hasn't been washed away by all the tears from the events of my life.

I still hate when people bitch about being pregnant. If only they knew not to take their gift for granted. That's what bitching seems like to me... so what if you have morning sickness? It could be worse, instead of barfing or feeling nauseous you could be bleeding and flushing your baby down the toilet. I have NO tolerance left for people to complain about being pregnant.

My baby, the tiny bean that she was, changed me, changed my whole life, changed my whole perspective. It's an experience I wish I never had to go through, but it has changed me. I know what it is to love a child, my child, unconditionally even though so many have told me she wasn't a child at all. I have never known true elation like that of seeing that test say "Pregnant." I know I will never ever be the same.

I also have a new favorite song by Daughtry. It's called "Gone Too Soon." It expresses what I've struggled to put into words so many times.

"Gone Too Soon" -- Daughtry
Today could've been the day
That you blow out your candles
Make a wish as you close your eyes
Today could've been the day
Everybody was laughin'
Instead I just sit here and cry

Who would you be?
What would you look like
When you looked at me for the very first time
Today could've been the next day of the rest of your life

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose
Such a ray of light we never knew
Gone too soon, yeah

Would you have been president?
Or a painter, a author or sing like your mother
One thing is evident
Would've give all I had
Would've loved you like no other

Who would you be?
What would you look like
Would you have my smile and her eyes?
Today could've been the next day of the rest of your life

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose
Such a ray of light we never knew
Gone too soon, yeah

Not a day goes by, oh
I'm always asking why, oh

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose
Such a beautiful life we never knew
Gone too soon
You were gone too soon, yeah

And not a day goes by 
That I don't think of you