Hurry Up and Wait

It seems like for so long my life has been completely revolved around the concept of "hurry up and wait."

Being a military wife... your life is ruled by your husband's military career. I've had to put my life on hold in order to be with Thayer. I graduated in 2009 with a teaching degree that I still have not been able to use at all, not even to substitute teach.

Just like in the song, everything is now so close I can taste it, but I can't touch it. I'm working in Special Education, which is what I'm getting my Master's in, but I'm still not a teacher. I still don't have a classroom of my very own. I have more responsibility than the other paras because of my educational background, which is great because I'm soaking up the additional experience. I just wish I could be a teacher. Even now that we're down here and moving to Missouri, I don't know if I'll be able to find a job as a teacher. Things will be easier when I have my Master's in Special Education because there is a much greater demand for SpEd teachers than there is for English teachers. Right now there doesn't look like there is a whole lot out there for English. It's pretty discouraging. I'm so ready to have a classroom of my own. I want to help children/young adults.

Infertility has certainly thrown a kink into how I thought my life would play out. June will mark 3 years of trying to get pregnant. That's a long damn time. People who started trying for their first AFTER we started trying for our first are now pregnant/having their second child. It's frustrating. I'm terribly impatient to become a parent. I'm ready. I've been ready. I try to keep my head up. I try to keep plugging away, but it gets difficult at times. Sure I've said things that have rubbed people wrong. Sure, to some I may seem bitter, especially to those that have never walked in my shoes. I know I did the right thing by having my surgery. I feel so much better. I'm up to doing an hour of cardio a day. A week after surgery I could barely make it 5 minutes on my elliptical. I've had an amazing transformation in hopes of having a healthy pregnancy and a healthy child.

Sometime I wonder how things would be different in my life... Sometimes I think about what might have or could have been. I know those are dangerous thoughts though. I can't go back and change the past and I just have to keep moving forward, one step at a time.