This is a window into my life.... Infertility, Pregnancy Loss, Marriage, Weight Loss Surgery, and finally... a multiple pregnancy.

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3 years and counting

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Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Faith? What's that?

I'm really getting sick of this taking turns thing because it is never my turn. The last month or so I've been struggling more with my infertility. Sometimes I get so frustrated when people who... for lack of better words... don't "deserve" to be pregnant are able to. If you can't control the children you have and they act like heathens, why do you get rewarded with more children? I wish I didn't get so frustrated. I wish I could be like some women and blindly follow God. I'm sorry that I just can't do that. I can't believe that God would give a crack addict a baby over a deserving couple. I thought God was supposed to be the good guy... if that's so, then why are things always so unfair? Why would he give a baby to a child still in high school, but deny adults who have done pretty much everything "right?" It just makes no sense to me. It's so difficult to hear things from people like "If it's God's will, then it will happen" or "God doesn't make mistakes." Really? Did you seriously just say that to me? Yes... I'm sure a 17 year old or crack whore would make a better parent than a 27 year old college educated woman. Yep! Makes complete sense! Every time I hear of a "mistake" pregnancy (by mistake pregnancy I mean ones that are by accident... or a 15 year old getting pregnant... or someone who can't take care of the children they have... or people who have no business having children... etc) all I can say is "And people wonder why I don't believe in God?" I don't have faith anymore. I have no reason to have faith anymore. Some good it did me all those years when I was a good Christian. Anyways... I'd rather live a moral life than a Christian life because for many people they are not the same thing. I know many Christians that claim to lead "good" Christian lives but are really horrible people. I suppose there are always a few bad apples.

Morality - doing what is right regardless of what I'm told.
Religion - doing what I'm told regardless of what is right.

1 comment:

  1. I ended up writing my own post about walking away from my faith and the sense of relief that came with it. I gave up on faith when my grandmother died and our infertility just magnified the distance between me and my (former) faith.

    I won't pray for you, but you are in my thoughts (and honestly, I think that means more). :)


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