This is a window into my life.... Infertility, Pregnancy Loss, Marriage, Weight Loss Surgery, and finally... a multiple pregnancy.

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3 years and counting

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Sunday, April 17, 2011

Answers.... kinda.

So the last few days have brought some answers my way, but I'm still waiting on others. Thayer found out officially that they took him off the early separation list. He will be serving out the last of his enlistment, which is up in July 2012. I'm bummed because I was so looking forward to getting out of North Dakota and going home and starting the next chapter of our lives. Now we're just waiting again. I hate always waiting for my life to begin. I was ready to go home so Thayer could start college and I could start being a teacher... I was ready to get out of North Dakota so I could actually get some quality healthcare when it comes to infertility. I was just ready to get out of this place. I jokingly said that I should just go back home and pretend that Thayer is deployed to North Dakota. I just don't want to be here anymore. It just seems like there is so much bad juju floating around... so many sad memories in this place. I'm just ready to move on with my life, but that all got the brakes put on it. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband, and I'm glad we finally have answers. I hated... HATED being in limbo. I had finally got used to the idea that we were leaving and was making plans, then BAM they change their mind. It sucks that they have the ability to toy with people's lives so much. One thing I was looking forward to getting away from was the horrible drama. I'm tired of being a good friend, only to be walked on. Then, on the other hand, I'm scared to rock the boat. There are a handful of people I know I don't want to be part of my life, but they're friends with so and so and if I don't keep things kosher with them, then it starts like a military wife war. It's bloody ridiculous. I'm sick of people thinking that it is okay to treat one another bad and put others down. We are grown women... I just wanted to put all the cattiness behind me.  Don't get me wrong, there are some wonderful ladies up here, but I'm found out since the miscarriage just who I could and could not rely on... and the results were staggering. Now I guess I just have to settle for going home on vacation in July. I just hope that Thayer will be able to get leave so he can come with me.

As for answers I'm still waiting on, I might get on the 25th. I finally go see the OB/GYN for my miscarriage follow-up visit. I started birth control a couple weeks ago after I stopped bleeding. My PCM said this was okay to do, so I did it. It will kill 2 birds with one stone. It will keep me from getting pregnant while I'm still healing from the miscarriage. It will also make sure my cycles stay semi-normal. Because of the PCOS, I don't have normal cycles most of the time. This will help keep me on track and ensure that I do have a "normal" period following the miscarriage. I also want to talk to the Dr. about going back on treatment after this cycle. I don't want to wait another one. Most things I've read say it is okay to go back to trying after one normal cycle, even though my OB recommends waiting 2. Time is ticking away. One thing I really want to know is... if I started bleeding at 5w4d... then why was the baby I passed 2 weeks later bigger than a 5w4d baby. When I passed the baby *graphic* it was attached to a large clot that was flat and about the size of my fist... and the yolk sak was just smaller than the size of a half dollar. I'm not sure when I ovulated... so we don't really know how far along I was. I just want to know... did my baby keep growing... what could have been going on?

I also go to Bismarck on the 26th to meet with the surgeon. It's just like an informational meeting of sorts to get more information and learn about how to really start the process. While I'm waiting for all that to go through... and I COULD be denied... I don't want to stop my treatments. I mean, I'll stop them once I know for sure I'm having the surgery and I'm 100% certain that it's going to happen. But the approval process could potentially take months. I'm not just going to sit around and wait and put my baby dreams on hold for all those months.

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