This is a window into my life.... Infertility, Pregnancy Loss, Marriage, Weight Loss Surgery, and finally... a multiple pregnancy.

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3 years and counting

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Thursday, September 1, 2011

Turning on the Light

Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness. ~Chinese Proverb

Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you. ~Maori Proverb

I'm really trying... DESPERATELY trying to find the good in life right now. I cried for the first time in about a month tonight. I started spotting so my hopes and dreams of becoming a mother now must be shelved for almost two years. For almost two and a half years we have worked, cried, timed intercourse, cried some more, had invasive procedure after invasive procedure.... all in hopes of becoming parents. I've watched countless people forge ahead with their dreams of becoming parents while I'm left just waiting in the wings crying. Now I know I will have to endure this pain for another 2 years without any hopes of becoming pregnant. We can't even try. It's hard to put your dreams on a shelf and just forget about them. It's hard to walk away from something you want so badly. It's hard to watch other's living YOUR dream... and it's especially hard to watch those people who really shouldn't be parents (for whatever reason) living your dream. It's hard to tell you're husband that you failed once again. That's what I feel like. Every month I get to feel like a failure, like I'm not worthy of my husband's love because I can't have his children. How will I go on? How will I keep my head up throughout all of this? I have NO idea. I really don't know where to even start. I guess I just have to keep looking at the positive. I have never, ever been an optimist. In fact, I've been a pessimist for as long as I can remember... so I guess I will have to turn over a new leaf as well.


  1. I'm so very sorry. We have officially put our dreams of being biological parents on hold, because we couldn't justify IVF (not a sure thing) when there's adoption. It's been 2 1/2 years for us too. I know exactly what you're going through. :-(

    Nothing I'm going to say will make it better, but I just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and sending many good thoughts your way.

  2. HUGE HUGS Hun! I know it's hard to have to stop trying. I don't have to stop trying as long as you do but I do know lapband might be in my future too. It was so very hard to give up for 6 months & I know that's nothing compared to 2 years. I hope the surgery goes well! Hugs & Prayers for you!!!


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