So this weekend I put up our Christmas decorations. I set up the tree. It was a little bittersweet and sad. This Christmas was supposed to be different. Instead of hanging a memorial ornament on our tree for our angel, I should have been hanging a "Baby's First Christmas" ornament. Instead of being a twosome again for our third Christmas, we should have been a threesome. I teared up a little as I hung Baby Hope's ornament on our tree. I hope wherever she is, she knows how much I love her. I know I'll never forget her. How can a mother forget their baby?
I've heard so many harsh things since losing our baby. So many hurtful things. I'm over negative people. I know it's perfectly fine for me to be sad. It is fine for me to remember my child, even if some people think he/she wasn't a child yet.
Now it is all a matter of counting down the days until we can try again. Counting down the days until our family can be complete. Both Thayer and I's thoughts on parenthood have changed so much by going through infertility and the miscarriage. We always said we wanted at least 2 children. Now we think we only want to have one. It's not that we don't want to have two still, we do. We just don't want to have to go through the struggle of infertility year after year again. We don't know for certain how having surgery will affect my ability to get pregnant. We are hoping for the best, but I don't usually have the best of luck.
Admittedly, Christmas has always been a difficult time of the year for me since I lost my grandma when I was 14. She was my other mommy. She taught me so much and it seemed so cruel that a beautiful person was taken away from me. Christmas has just become progressively more difficult as more sad things have happened. Christmas just isn't the same without my Grandma and Grandpa V. or my sister Kim. It feels wrong to celebrate and be happy. I know they would want me to, but it's difficult. I know this Christmas, with the loss of our baby, will be even more difficult. I lost my faith at the age of 14, and have yet to gain a single bit of it back. It's hard to have faith when you see wonderful people struggling every day. It's hard to have faith when unimaginably cruel things happen every single day. It's so hard when people play the God card. "God will give you a baby when he thinks you're ready." or "It was God's will that your baby died." or "Pray about it and it will happen."