fear...

So.. now that I found out I'm pregnant... my greatest fear is that I will lose the baby. My greatest fear used to be that I would never be a parent. Everytime I go to the bathroom I am petrified that I will find blood when I wipe. Almost every night I have had a bad dream about it. I don't want to be afraid, but I am. I just want everything to work out. I deserve to have it work out! I know deep down inside that good things come to those that wait. I just hope beyond hope that my wait is over.

I'm so ready to go the doctor so maybe he can reassure me. I'm sure because of the Clomid there is more testing that I should have done. Maybe they will want to do an ultrasound to see if I'm having twins.

A Journey through Infertility....

So... if you're new to my blog or don't know me too well... I'm going to fill you in on my fertility journey.

At the age of 22 I was officially diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). I had lots of trouble with my periods for years before then. I was put on birth control at the age of 14 because I was having so many difficulties. I knew going into my marriage that we would have trouble conceiving. I even warned Thayer.

Thayer and I started trying to have a baby about 7 months after we were married (June 2009). When I went to the doctor and told him we were TTC he put me on Metformin to try and help me have a regular period, etc. In Oct. of that year I saw an OB/GYN who basically refused to treat me. He wanted Thayer to have a semen analysis. It took me nearly a year to convince Thayer to have this done. Everything checked out fine with him. I then went back to a different OB/GYN. He referred me to an RE and discussed putting me on Clomid. I had an HSG ran and began my first cycle of Clomid in January. During my Clomid cycles I had to have 2 Ultrasounds. I just finished my second cycle of Clomid and it apparently worked this time.

I know my fertility journey isn't as hard or bad as other people's... but it doesn't mean it wasn't emotionally taxing on me and my husband. I hope people can be happy for me. I want people to be happy that my journey through infertility might be over. I don't want people to think that I'm gloating. I'm not... but I deserve to be happy for something I have longed, cried, and hoped for, for nearly 2 years.

Introducing Baby Olin... ETA November 2011.

So... TODAY I FOUND OUT I'M PREGNANT!!! WOOT WOOT WOOT!

I was heavily debating whether to tell anyone or not... but after 2 years of trying I just couldn't hold it in. I have a pretty high chance of miscarrying... but for now I'm going to be happy, hopeful, and relaxed. I have 7 more weeks until I'm through the danger zone... I'm almost half way done! I couldn't not tell anyone... I have all these people thinking about me, hoping for me, praying for me... and I felt that I owed it to them to let them know that all their thinking, hoping, and praying had finally paid off.

Now... the story of my peeing on a stick

I woke up early this morning with the intent to go to the base lab and have them take my blood to see if I was pregnant. I'm not much of a morning person so I was like... well I'll just pee on this stick and maybe be able to go back to sleep for an hour or so before work. So I peed on my little stick and sat it on the counter and walked away. I started getting ready for work and eventually wandered back into the bathroom to brush my teeth. That was when I looked at the test (digital). At first I was in utter shock. I first thought I was going crazy... then I wondered if I was going blind... then I just started bawling like a little baby. I was in hysterics. I immediately called my mom. (lol yeah... I didn't call my husband first). She had to have me repeat myself like 4 times. I think she thought I was dying at first because I sounded like a crazy lady. We talked for a minute then my mom asked me if I had talked to Thayer. lol So then I called my husband. He's so silly... he was like "Congratulations." lol Silly boy... it's your baby too and I know he enjoyed the making. Then I called my dad. He was so happy and I think he teared up a little bit. Then I texted my favorite Beaner friend, Martha. She cried! Oh... I did go to the lab on base and they confirmed :)

So... 7 more weeks...

I'm Late, I'm Late, for a very important date!

NO time to say hello. Good-bye. I'm late I'm late I'm late.


Okay... now that I have that out of my system back to business. So I has officially been 2 weeks since I ovulated. What does this mean? It simply means that my period is officially late. Now.. don't go jumping up and down and shouting for joy. In the life of a PCOS'er a late period means absolutely nothing. My periods have been effed up since I was 14. The only time I go more than a few month at a time having a normal cycle is when I'm in birth control. So... now the bigger question is... Am I or Am I not? Tomorrow I'm going to the base lab and having them draw blood. I'm not waiting around... I'm done waiting for answers. I'm not going to pee on a damn stick at home. If I do that I'll just think "Well, maybe it was a false negative, maybe I'm not far enough... blah blah blah." So... off to the clinic I go tomorrow to have them take my blood. I hope all my "symptoms" are due to something. My boobs (actually my nipples to be more exact... sorry if it's TMI) have been KILLING me since I ovulated. Normally, they hurt 3ish days or so after ovulation then they go back to being fine. I've never had breast/nipple pain before my period. Lets see... I've also had some clear discharge from my nipples... dunno what's up with that. My BBT (basal body temperature) has been elevated for at least a week now. This is supposed to be a symptom. Most of these are physical signs and can't be "just in my head." I guess I'll know soon enough. Until then I'll try to cross my fingers and not try to get too excited or sad. I haven't really had any pre-period symptoms... no cramping, PMS, etc. I did start breaking out a little the last couple days... but that can be a symptom of pregnancy and an Aunt Flo visit.

I was going to go to the lab today, but I didn't. I didn't want to be sad so I put it off for another day. I want to be happy these last few months I have in Minot. I don't want to be depressed or upset. I don't want to cry. I don't want to have to, once again, tell my husband that I'm a failure. I mean... if I can't even manage to get pregnant, does that mean I'll be a bad mom? I hate this rollarcoaster. After 2 years, I'm almost sick of trying... but I have to keep going because soon enough we won't have insurance that will cover fertility treatments at all (most insurances don't).

I hate that the lab as 72 hours to notify me of the results. Maybe since I'm getting there first thing in the morning (7:30) I won't have to wait that whole time! Oh... and I'm going to have to lie to the base lab as well because they won't do a test on you unless you're 2 or more weeks late... so I'm just going to pretend I am. Eff them and their bureaucratic bullshit.

Waiting on Aunt Flo

So I was just really bored and decide to re-write the lyrics to the song "Waiting on Joe" by Steve Azar... lol. I just did the first portion of the song... Yeah I'm lame, I know.

We're supposed to starting getting it on in bed today
And the husband... well he's a pretty good lay.
Now I was countin' on him
To get'er done in ten.
A week's pay says he's still hangin low
'Cause the boys in his own time zone.

Now I'm waiting Aunt Flo... Oh whaddya know
Time flies fast and she's slower than a...
I told her over and over: "Now don't you be late." (unless I'm pregnant)
Ah, but like always,
I'm just sittin on go,
And waitin' on Aunt Flo.



My little song revision kinda represents how I'm feeling today. I feel like I'm just waiting on my period to get here. I try to be hopeful, but it's hard. I'm trying to decide if after this month I'll just go ahead and seeing about having surgery or if we should try just one more time... (it sucks that trying once takes a whole month... damn biology!) *sigh* I know I should get it done before Thayer gets out... but it's such a hard decision.

Does 1+1=2.... or does it equal 3?

So there have been a lot of changes or changes that are going to be coming really soon. Thayer is officially getting out of the Air Force. We will be out of Minot no later than May 31st. At first I was freaking out. I was angry, but I was only angry because I was so scared. Our entire life was being turned upside down. In a few short months we wouldn't have jobs, a home, insurance... just to name a few things. I'm so glad I got Thayer to sit down and make a plan with me.

I'm so happy that we are going to be able to move to Missouri. I know for certain that I will never ever live in El Dorado again. That town is too small with too many busy bodies... not to mention that the schools have really gone down the shitter. Looking at their test scores and things... no way I would put my kids in the schools there. lol ok... off my El Dorado kick.

I'm excited for Thayer to start school again. I think he has finally decided 100% for sure on a major. When he was going to DeVry he was majoring in Computer Engineering, but at first glance it didn't look like MSU had a Computer Engineering program, but I did a lot of research and they do. They have a Engineering Physics Degree with and emphasis in Computer Engineering. I know my husband is so smart... though sometimes he lacks common sense. Thayer has been really worried about everything here lately. We talked some today and one of his fears is moving to some place he's never lived before. Minot and Guam are the only two places he has ever lived. Now he's on a new and scary adventure. I reminded him that I was in his shoes once. I moved to Minot after getting married... and only being a couple with him for like 6 months. I took a major leap of faith and everthing worked out fine.

Today is Thayer's birthday. He hasn't been feeling good the last couple of days. He's had some really bad migraines. I think it is because he is stressed. For his birthday, we went out to eat at Happy Panda (not my choice, can't wait to eat real Chinese food back home!). Then we went over to the mall to watch a movie but the line was almost all the way back to Deb's so we said forget it. We then went to Barnes & Noble and he got 2 books (I got 3 books, a cookbook, and a cover for my Nook, lol). We then went to Gamestop where he got a game. I hope his birthday went well. I also got him a rare game of Ebay that I gave him last week.

So, next week (Wednesday) I will be able to test to see if I'm pregnant. Right now I have hope that I am... I'm trying not to... but I still do. I have some symptoms. I just hope that they aren't all in my head. The main symptoms are breast changes (very sore, Montgomery glands appearing, veins becoming more prominent). I guess I'll know soon enough. I hate all of this waiting. It would be kind of bad timing with Thayer getting out of the military, but I'll take whatever I can get. I will be so happy if I am..... OMG... you have no idea.

Doo Wah D.I.T.Y, dity dum dity doo!

To DITY move or not to DITY move... that is the question. Thayer and I are weighing our options right now. I'm hoping that if we do, do a DITY move that we will have some friend that will help us for some pizza/beer/cookies. We've never done a DITY move, but I think that it might be our best option because most of our belongings will be going into storage for a couple of months.