This is a window into my life.... Infertility, Pregnancy Loss, Marriage, Weight Loss Surgery, and finally... a multiple pregnancy.

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Wednesday, October 20, 2010

I Can Taste How Bitter I've Become

So tomorrow is the "big" day. I have to admit that it definitely comes with a tirade of mixed emotions. On one hand I want to be hopeful that when I pee in a cup tomorrow and use the little dropper it will tell me that yes, finally I am pregnant. On the other hand I don't want to get hopeful. I know that if I start hoping I'm just going to be a million times more depressed when I find out I'm not.

There are other highs and lows to be had tomorrow. I'm also going back to the OB/GYN for the first time in over a year. I'm going to talk to him about getting more fertility treatments. Right now I'm not really on anything. I know what I would like to happen, but then again, I'm not getting trying to not get hopeful. I know what I want to happen most likely will not happen. So far on the road of getting treatments I've had blood work done and a pap/pelvic. My hubby has had his semen analysis.... I know there are more tests to be run before the doctors up here will give out Clomid. I want to get those done ASAP, especially if Thayer ends up getting deployed. I want to be pregnant before we have to deal with that. Yes, I now being pregnant for our first deployment isn't ideal, but when you've been going through this process... it doesn't really matter when you get prenant it is "if" you get pregnant. I'll take whatever I can get, even if I have to do it alone. I'm prepared for that.

Tomorrow I want to find out what our next step should be. I want to get Clomid ASAP, I want Provera so I can make sure I'm having a period every month. I know what I want... now I just have to go about getting it.

As for the title of this blog... the last few days I've felt really down. Nothing "bad" has happened... no one has made me upset. I'm just dealing with a lot of emotions right now. Honestly it was 100% easier when I knew I wasn't ovulating because then I had no hope at all. Sometimes "hope" drives me crazy, and I know that sounds crazy. It gets really hard when you hope and hope and hope for months on end only to have nothing to show for it. Eventually you start to lose faith in hoping. I've been feeling more and more upset and yes, I will fully admit that I'm bitter. A lot of what I'm bitter about I can't even write about because I don't know whose toes I will step on. I'm bitter because there are women out there that are having babies that 1. don't take care of them/appreciate them 2. that are doing drugs or abusing their children 3. can't afford the kids they have and my money is going to help support them when they just keep popping more and more babies out.... Honestly, I could go on and on about the things I'm "bitter" about... but mostly I'm bitter because so many women have what I want. I want to be a mom... I LONG to be a mother. I know I would be an amazing mother.... but I don't know if I will ever have the opportunity to fulfill that dream.

Tomorrow is another day... and I hope it's sunny... because I don't think I could handle a dreary day. Tomorrow will be rough and I might need a shoulder to cry on.


  1. I wish you lots of luck with your doctor's appt tomorrow. You deserve someone that will take your concerns and needs seriously :] Have you ever been on clomid? I've heard it's a pretty effective medicine!

    I totally understand where you're coming from on being pregnant while your hubby [might] deploys. You have lots of support and friends here that would help you get through it :]

    I know we haven't met, but if you ever want to talk I'm here for you. Usually my hubby works really late so I'm here alone with my kiddo. IF you want to get together let me know and I'll send u my address

  2. Being pregnant during a deployment isn't that bad.... if you get prgo right before he goes, he'll be home for the birth... that is what you really want. Much love and hope for your day tomorrow.

  3. Being pregnant through a deployment isn't bad, but having the baby while he's gone is awful. Trust me - I did it. Alone. Had my neighbor watch my 3 kids, drove myself to the hospital 9 days overdue, delivered, and drove myself home the next day. It wasn't ideal, but I survived. Barely, lol. I'll be there for you, 100%. If Thayer is deployed when you have the baby, I will come to the hospital and take a million pictures (ok, maybe not a million, lol).

    This is me giving you a huge hug. I understand having a love-hate relationship with hope - through all of our miscarriages, there was always hope that was absolutely shattered. It's devastating. My fertility problems are a complete 180 from you, but I do sympathize with you, I do.

  4. i know how you feel! if you need anything call me! oh and if you see a nurse named Deb there you can punch her for me lol you do not want to deal with her she is a heartless bitch! i know what you mean about hope, it is good to be hopeful but after months and months of nothing it is hard. its ok to be bitter we can be bitter together lol good luck today


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