This is a window into my life.... Infertility, Pregnancy Loss, Marriage, Weight Loss Surgery, and finally... a multiple pregnancy.

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Monday, June 13, 2011

Glory Baby

I stumbled across this song yesterday while looking at some miscarriage/pregnancy loss support sites. It says so much of what is in my heart. I miss my baby everyday, but I'm glad to know she's in Heaven with all my loved ones watching over her until I can be up there and hold her myself. My grandma and grandpa have two great-grandbabies to look after, mine and my cousin's girlfriend's. I bet they have their hands full! By now I would be feeling her move and it would be close to time for us to find out if we were going to have a boy or a girl. I guess that will be a surprise for me once I make my way out of this life. I'm sure, either way, I have a beautiful baby waiting up in heaven for me and I know that my baby knows and can see just how much I loved her. I'm a special kind of momma now, I'm the momma of a beautiful angel. She gets to hear the angels sing and she's happy all the time. God, I miss her.

Father's Day is coming up and it's almost harder than Mother's Day. I feel so guilty. I know there was nothing I could do... but I just feel like it's all my fault that Thayer can't call himself a dad this year. If it weren't for my broken body he would be a dad. If it weren't for me he wouldn't have to go through this infertility hell. He could be happy with a wife and kids, but instead he's stuck with broken me. I feel so horrible. I hate feeling like I'm letting him down and my parents down... and his parents down. God, I hate feeling this way! I hate that I cry. I hate that I feel incomplete. Thayer knew from the beginning that we might not be able to have children of our own. I was upfront and honest with him and he chose to be with me anyway. He chose me, but what if he regrets that? What if he decides he doesn't want me anymore? What if just me isn't enough for him? What if he decides he's sick of all the treatments and mood swings and leaves? I hate living my life by "What Ifs" and "What Might Bes."

Now I'm unsure of everything. I'm unsure about the surgery, I'm unsure about fertility treatments. I'm just so scared and unsure! Part of me wants to try one more time. I have one more refill of Clomid... part of me wants to take it, without ultrasounds, and see if I can get pregnant again. Part of me is scared to do that. Part of me doesn't want to have the surgery and just keep trying for a healthy pregnancy and baby. I just don't know what to do. I know no one can answer any of this for me. I know no one can really help me decide.

I hate feeling so alone. Even when Thayer's around and I cry about the baby I feel alone. Part of him understands, but there is a bigger part that just doesn't get it. He doesn't understand the guilt. He told me last night that I need to quit beating myself up about it. That I needed to quit telling him I'm sorry. But how can I? I feel like I failed. I wish there were some way to make the pain go away. Some magical spell to not make me feel ever again. Not feeling anything would almost be better than this unrelenting sense of loss, guilt, and overwhelming sadness. I wonder "Why me? Why my baby?" No one can answer that. I have no answers, I have no closure. My baby died and all I could do was flush her down the toilet. It's been 2 and a half months and sometimes it feels like just yesterday. I just want to feel better....

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