This is a window into my life.... Infertility, Pregnancy Loss, Marriage, Weight Loss Surgery, and finally... a multiple pregnancy.

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3 years and counting

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Saturday, August 4, 2012

Old Emotions Emerging

Now that we are officially TTC again all my old emotions about infertility are really starting to come out again. It's been hitting me pretty hard the last couple of weeks. I have felt very overwhelmed with everything going on in my life. The rest of 2012 is going to be a very busy time for me, but I'm not putting off my dream any longer.

I wasn't so upset every month when I got my period when I was on BC and when we weren't really trying. It was a nice reprieve from all the stress of being infertile. Yes, I still had pangs of jealousy when people would announce their pregnancies or show of their new babies. Yes, being infertile still hurt, but it was different knowing we weren't even trying. Now all those old emotions are hitting me like a ton of bricks. All the old stress is back and NO I can't relax. There has just been this whole flood of emotions. I feel broken again because now something else is wrong with me. I feel like a failure again when another cycle passes with no positive results. Why me? Why can't this nightmare just be over? I just want to have a family and move on to the next stage of my life. After surgery I had so much hope that it was the answer, that things would be better afterward. Now I've had to come to the blinding conclusion that my life isn't that simply. Apparently, there will always be some loophole I have to jump through to obtain my dreams. I don't know what the next few months will bring. I would really love my doctor to put me back on Clomid, but I don't know if that will happen either. I hate feeling so out of control. That's one of the worst things about infertility, none of it is in your control. I feel so alone in this battle as well.

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