This is a window into my life.... Infertility, Pregnancy Loss, Marriage, Weight Loss Surgery, and finally... a multiple pregnancy.

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3 years and counting

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Friday, August 3, 2012

What Doesn't...

Kill You Makes You Stronger... whoever said that can kiss my ass. I'm tired of having to be strong all the time. I'm tired of being stressed and worried. I'm tired of everything in my life requiring so much effort... much more effort than it does in everyone else's. I just want to catch a break. Don't I deserve to catch a break? What have I done to deserve any of this? Seriously, when will things stop taking a giant crap on me?

I am beyond frustrated with the Department of Veteran Affairs. They keep leading Thayer around in this giant circle of him trying to get all of his GI Bill benefits. He's been in school since June, but we still haven't seen a dime of his housing allowance. If we didn't have a good amount of money in savings we would be living out on the streets with no food to eat. The way this country is treating its veterans is RIDICULOUS! I've watched the veteran's office at Missouri State fax in the paperwork they are now saying they never received. If they mess this up again, I'm going up to the Veteran's Center here in Springfield and ripping someone a new asshole. They now owe us almost $3000 in back housing allowance and we better get every dime of it in back pay.

It looks like I'm having to change up my fertility plan again. After this last cycle I could clearly see where my body was off. I started spotting 11 and 12dpo and then started on 13dpo. This is obviously a luteal issue. After doing some research and talking to a friend of mine, I decided to go on additional B vitamins. A deficiency in B-complex vitamins can cause a shortened luteal phase so hopefully boosting them up will correct the problem. Additionally, my period was once again very short and light. This could mean that I have an iron deficiency, so I added an iron pill to all of my supplements. Because of these changes I decided it would be best to hold off a month on beginning the Vitex and Red Clover herbs. One thing at a time. I want to see how the vitamins help. I am also going to see the OB/GYN on August 16th. I'm going to request that he do whatever bloodwork and prescribe me Clomid. I may be ovulating on my own, but who knows what the eggs and follicles are looking like. I know on Clomid in the past I have had really good luck with growing really mature follicles. I just want to give myself the best chance possible to conceive. I'm tired of waiting and beating around the bush. I was made to do that cycle after cycle up in Minot and I'm not going to do it anymore. I'm going to take 120% control over my fertility and future. I will get sassy and bossy. On a side note, Thayer says he would like to go to my appointment with me. I think it's great that he finally wants to be involved in this whole process.

I've also been dealing with depression again because of all the stress. I just feel completely overwhelmed. I'm worried about money and paying bills because of the military screwing us in the butt. I'm worried about my cycle being messed up. I'm scared that having surgery and losing all this weight just messed me up worse and made my chances of getting pregnant even worse than they were before. There are always about a million things running through my head at any given time. I've been having trouble sleeping for weeks now. I've tried resetting my schedule and it's just not working.

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