When Hope Dwindles

Every month (and by month I mean cycle) I begin with a feeling of hope. Some months my "hope" is greater than other months, but it is always there. Then the days of the month slowly progress. We do our baby dancing at the prescribed times. I ovulate on schedule. My temp confirms ovulation along with the OPKs. These things add to my hope. I'm excited about the notion of this possibly FINALLY being my month. The days keep passing and as the days past ovulation add up my amount of hope slowly decreases. I start preparing myself for disappointment. I start reminding myself that the "symptoms" I'm feeling are just from my progesterone spike. I try to get through the day without thinking about it. Today I am 8dpo. At least this month is going better. I haven't started spotting yet like I did last month at 8dpo. I'm almost scared to be hopeful. Anymore it seems hope if futile. I'm just counting down the days until another cycle begins. I wish I could put on a happy face all the time and that everything could be okay... but it's not. I'm done lying or pretending. Last night Thayer and I went to dinner (had a buy one get one free coupon for Ruby Tuesday's) and I said fuck it and had a drink. I used to never drink during the 2ww. At this point I don't think it's going to change anything. In my eyes there is little hope that I'm pregnant so why should I bother doing without when it is something I really want. I had a bad day and I wanted at martini. Giving certain things up in the past didn't help get me pregnant so why would it make a difference now?