First off... there are a lot of things that most people don't know about me. NUMBEROUS things that have happened to me in my life that I don't talk about. Some of them have left deep scars and if that bothers you... if you can't handle me at my worst then you don't deserve to be my friend at my best. I thought friends were supposed to be there through thick and thin, but I've been shown that, that is not the case more times than I can count.
Brief account of some of the shitty things that have happened in my life...
1. Before I was a teenager I dealt with a lot of shit care of my sisters. Growing up I was always distinctly aware that they hated me for no reason other than I was alive. Things got better from time to time, and were generally better by the time I hit adulthood.
2. By the time I was out of high school I lost over a dozen family members to cancer including my grandmother who was like a mother to me. I would literally go and spend weeks on end with her during the summer. It was like my mother had died.
3. From the age of 17 to almost 21 I was in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship. I was told I was worthless and a piece of shit on almost a daily basis. I was told that no one else would ever love me. I was told countless horrible things. Then the hitting began. First it was a pinch that caused a huge bruise that lasted weeks on my boob. Then it was a slap in the face... then finally the night before I left him he tried to choke and kill me.
4. In 2004 my grandfather, who I had been very close to died suddenly. There is a lot of guilt there even now because I had gotten into a fight with him over his no good piece of poop girlfriend.
5. In 2007, my middle sister was murdered. Yes, you read that correctly. She was shot in the head. I can't and really don't want to go into the details... other than the police handled it horribly. The man that killed my sister is still walking free today. The police beyond fucked up and now they can't find the guy that shot my sister in cold blood.
6. In 2009, Thayer and I began trying to have a family. I have endured numerous painful procedures to try and have child. I have a transvaginal wand stuck up my twat twice a month and it hurts like crazy each time because I have an ovary that hides so they have to dig like crazy in my vajayjay to try and get a picture. I've had more people than I care to count look up and at my vagina. What do I have to show for my pain and patience? A dead baby.
7. 2011, I finally got pregnant, only to lose the baby. Until you've been in my shoes. Until you've tried for 2+ years to get pregnant with your husband. Until you've watched your baby being flushed down the toilet... the baby you've toiled for, cried for, longed for...
This is just a small taste of what has happened in my life.
Do I let it get to me? Yes, sometimes I do. I do especially around anniversaries of things or birthdays of my grandma/grandpa. Yes, I let it get to me. I try not to let it rule my life.
Does it sometimes rule my life? Yes, I would be lying out my ass if I told you different.
Does it hurt every day that my baby is not with me? You bet your ass it does.
Do I do better when I'm on antidepressants? Yep. I know for a fact I do. Antidepressants and taking them doesn't make me weak or lazy. In fact, admitting I had a problem and I needed help was very difficult for me. I'm not currently on my meds because I went off them when we found out I was pregnant so they wouldn't hurt the baby. Guess I should have just kept on them.
The moral of the story... don't judge people. Instead of assuming things about someone, ask them. Instead of calling them a "Debbie Downer" or "Negative Nancy" maybe stop and take 2 minutes out of your day and ask them, "Hey, what's bothering you?" You may never know what you'll find out or discover about someone. I never knew how unkind and judgemental people could be until I moved up here. I guess people in other parts of the country were just raised different than I was in Kansas. People really need to learn to 1. ask questions and not assume and 2. walk a mile in someone else shoes.