WARNING: Pity Party Incoming!
So... this time, like all the other times, is it all in my head? I am almost 7 days past ovulation... if there is a bean, it should be starting to stick. I try so hard not to get my hopes up, but I want to so bad. I want to be excited. I want to be happy. I want to be able to plan how I'm going to tell Thayer and my parents/family. I want to be able to shop (after the first 3 months of course) for nursery items. I already know the colors and theme I want. Is that bad? What if my dream never comes true and I never get to paint a nursery. I just want to be positive, but it is so difficult to be positive when every month for over a year and a half I have been greeted by sadness and heartbreak. I know this month because of all the testing and knowing that things were going well, my heart will break even more. There was hope this month. There was a REAL chance I could get pregnant.... what if I fail again? I hate being a disappointment and failure. I hate feeling like I'm letting Thayer down, my parents down... and most of all I hate letting myself down. Yesterday for the first time at work I felt sad. I saw a little boy in my room interacting with his dad. His dad was being fun and just awesome... I just thought "What if Thayer never gets to be a dad?" Maybe I'm not good enough for Thayer or anyone. Maybe Thayer's dad is right, maybe I don't deserve to be part of their family. Maybe it was a mistake. Maybe this is all happening because I don't deserve to be happy. The is the first time in a LOOOONG time I've felt down and truly sad about my infertility. I'm sorry if you don't like it, but I have the right to be sad and upset. If you haven't been in my shoes you have no idea what I'm going through, and you have no right to judge me or anyone else. (Just thought I'd throw that last part in there.) Yes, I'm having a pity party.... if you don't wish to join me feel free to leave.