This is a window into my life.... Infertility, Pregnancy Loss, Marriage, Weight Loss Surgery, and finally... a multiple pregnancy.

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Sunday, April 10, 2011

We all have these kinds of days... right?

Today was a bad day... no other way to describe it. It was a horrible, rotten, no good, very bad day. It started off with Kaia waking me up whining over and over again. Then I got up and got started on my homework and nothing was going right. I didn't understand one part of the project. I needed more ink for my printer... then after Thayer had already ran to the BX, I realized I was out of paper too. I was just so moody. Then I looked around and saw that the house was a mess. While I was struggling with my homework, my husband was sitting on his computer playing a game. It just didn't seem fair at all that I worked 6 days this week, then had to do homework... and then had to do all the housework. So I snapped. I mean I went off on him... I ripped him a new asshole. I yelled, I screamed, I just.... Snapped. When I was mad and yelling at him the truth came out.. and we ended up just holding each other and crying. I was mad at him, deep inside, for not being there when I lost the baby. First, he wouldn't go to the hospital with me... and then when I was crying and in so much pain when I passed the baby he was lying on the couch sleeping his lunch break away. At one point I was lying on the couch crying loudly, he woke up and asked me what was wrong... then just went back to sleep. I was ANGRY... I was angry that I had to throw our baby away. I was angry that he got to sleep while I had to flush our baby down the toilet. I was angry because I thought he was semi-happy that I lost the baby and with the move and getting out of the Air Force... it would just be easier to not have the baby. I was angry because he didn't seem to care. I could go on and on... I was just so angry. I'm glad it is out in the open... I'm glad we got it out of the way. I just wish I could have calmly talked to him about it. I don't think I would have ever talked to him about it, had we not fought though. Everything is fine now... but it was seriously a bad day.

Lately I've just been so stressed and frustrated... school, work, moving (not knowing about moving), the miscarriage.... It's just so much to deal with it. I feel overwhelmed and all alone at times. I'm one of those people that feels they always have to be strong, not talk about it, deal with it on my own.... That's just how I am. I don't talk... and then it all builds up.

This not knowing about moving is driving me crazy. We know we have to be out of Minot by the 31st of May... but we have no check list. We have no orders... we have nothing to go off of. The papers are signed so we know we're leaving by the 31st... but that is ALL we know. Not being able to plan anything is killing me. It is so frustrating.

1 comment:

  1. it has been almost 10 months since my first miscarriage and almost 4 months since my second and i still have some bad days. it is never something you will forget you just need to deal with it in your own way and your own time and fuck what other people say! like a month after my first miscarriage a friend of mine got mad that i didnt want to go out with her one night, i was just to upset! she told me to just get over it and we have not talked since then. i wish everyone could understand!


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