I don't know how many times some ignorant or possibly simply insensitive person has said to me, "Well, why don't you just adopt?" Like I should just give up on myself and my husband. So... how about I lay it all out on the page here the reasons we are not even considering adoption at this point.
Right now, adoption is not for us. Plain and simple. I'm only 26 and my husband is only 25. Why would we choose adoption when we have many good childbearing years ahead of us to try? Is it so wrong of us to want to have a child of our very own? A child with his eyes and my nose? When did that become a capital offense?
Why would we all of a sudden jump to adoption when we've only tried ONE yes... ONE fertility treatment? We have only ever been put on Clomid and guess what ladies and gentlemen! We got pregnant on it! Why would we choose adoption when we know that it is entirely possible for me to get pregnant? Even if Clomid never works again there are a plethora of other medications and other treatments available to help those dealing with infertilty. Why wouldn't we try those? Why wouldn't we do everything in our power to have a child of our own? Most parents say they would do ANYTHING for their child(ren). Well... most infertiles would do anything for the THOUGHT of a child... for the THOUGHT of becoming a mother and holding their baby, a product of love, in their arms.
Maybe the people who say these comments doesn't realize how EXPENSIVE adoption is. Maybe they don't realize all the hoops you have to jump through and how much more those are complicated by being a military family. Domestic adoption can cost upwards of $30,000. So... maybe these people that say "Just adopt" should shell out the cash and give a needy child a home as well. Adoption after being foster parent to a child is cheaper... but many states will not allow a military family to be foster parents. I'm not even sure I could emotionally handle being a foster parent. (More info on adoption costs.)
Another reason is we're not sure adoption would ever be a choice for us. We are considering surrogacy before we ever think of adopting a child. This is our choice. Again... is it so wrong for us to want a child that is our own flesh and blood? Yes, I know there are thousands upon thousands of needy children out there in the United States and the world. But why shouldn't we have the right to have and raise our family the way we CHOOSE just as fertile couples do?
Adoption is a last choice for us... and that's just it! It's our choice! I know right now you're thinking "Holy cow Mary... who ever heard of the freedom of CHOICE in the United States?" Sorry... being facetious.
As long as we have the money to pay for treatments we will try to have our own child. It is our right to decide how to have and raise our family, just as it is the right of any fertile couple. We aren't ready to lay down and be defeated. We aren't ready to throw in the towel on Thayer cooing over my growing belly as I am pregnant. We aren't ready to back down, and we won't back down from infertility without a damn good fight. Thayer and I want to have a child of our very own that is our flesh and blood. There is nothing wrong with that.
By the way, I'm not trying to offend anyone that has adopted or is adopted. After we have a child or two of our own we would like to adopt a child, possibly one with special needs. We simply want to experience pregnancy, child birth, and all the ups and downs of having a child of our own.
Also... to quote the Infertility Etiquette handbook -- "Don't Push Adoption (Yet) - Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point.
I just have to say, I hope I don't fall into the "ignorant people" who have asked you about adoption. I, myself, was adopted at birth and know what a blessing it can be to a mother suffering from infertility.
ReplyDeleteNope Ashley.. wasn't talking about you at all. It's one thing to ask me my stance on adoption, my thoughts, opinions, etc. It's completely another to try and tell me to just give up and adopt. Some people are so callous with their remarks and you have never been that way. It's easy for people who have children of their own who haven't gone through infertility or pregnancy loss to say things like this because they've never been in the shoes of those of us who have. I feel right now if we just up and chose to adopt we would be giving up on ourselves. I've only done 2 rounds of fertility treatments. One was a chemical pregnancy (meaning I lost the baby before it really got started) and the other was a miscarriage. I think I would be doing myself a disservice if I gave up on myself now.
ReplyDeleteI think every IF has heard "just adopt" so many times. Like it's as easy as just driving over to Wal-Mart to pick one up. But fertiles do not know the cost or all the paperwork that goes into adoption. Even IVF is cheaper than most adoptions in the US. And domestic adoption isn't much better. And if there is a chance with just Clomid, injections, IUI or IVF, then an IF is going to take it. We all want that baby that looks like mommy and daddy. We all want to feel our baby move in our tummy and have people give us attention for it.
ReplyDeleteIf your not at that decision yet, then stick with the decisions you need to make. If thats another round of clomid then do that. I just think its best to keep all options open and to explore them all. You are still early in the medication part of it all, so I can see perfectly why you would still want to try for a biological child. I wish you good luck, hopefully your next medical cycle works.
ReplyDeleteI understand where you're coming from...even though my mother and two uncles were adopted and I've lived with adoption in my life, it was still a hard decision to come to in the end.
ReplyDeleteWe weren't the lucky ones that fertility treatments worked for, and it hurt - a lot - that my body had defeated and seemingly deceived me in this way.
I don't think it's wrong to want a biological child. As BrokenBirdsBees said, we all want that experience and to feel our baby move in our tummy. It's only natural - after all, it's a biological response - that's why it's called "the biological clock"!
In the end, deciding to adopt, even with so many adopted family members (I have 5 adopted family members and two very good friends who were adopted) surrounding me, it was a difficult decision to fully "stop TTC" - to realize that I may never have a child with "his eyes and my nose" - well, it was a powerful feeling. At the same time the idea of getting to be a mother to an adopted child was just as powerful, just as emotional, just as hopeful. My husband and I truly are over-joyed to be parents through adoption.
I wish you much good luck in your TTC journey! I agree, you are early in the medication/treatment path. For us, it was IVF of nothing. Our closest clinic was $20,000...our adoption will be $12,000...with the $12,500 tax credit from the government, adoption made sense for our life right now. Again, much good luck to you!