As I stated recently, life lately has been pretty turbulent. I just have to keep reminding myself to keep moving forward. At times it may be slow going, but focusing on what is ahead is the only way I know to keep myself from looking in the rearview mirror. I've gotta live and let live. One foot in front of the other. The past is behind me... I need to live for the now and look to the future. I can't live my life through "what ifs" and "maybes." Sure, I might think that way from time to time, but it is time to focus on other things.
I know today I'm a much different person than I was at age 18, 20, etc. I've grown and changed... some for the better and probably some for the worse as well. Things have happened to make me the way I am. It's good to see those that I used to surround myself with are trying to hard to change their lives as well. I'm grateful for the friendships I've had (and even lost) because those individuals helped me grow and change. I'm grateful as well for all the relationships I had. If it weren't for those men then I wouldn't be the woman I am today. I learned a lot from each and everyone of them. I don't regret the time I was with them... because that would be like regretting a part of me. Whether I like it or not (some more hate than anything) those people will always be a part of the person I am now. Each day I learn, grow, change, and really, I couldn't ask for more than that. Sometimes it's fun to wonder about what might have been or what could have been.
I'm a lucky woman because I've known love more than once in my life. I loved one person for many years and I know that I will always care about him and love him. I can't just erase that from my mind and heart. He put me through a lot and I'm sure I wasn't always the easiest person to get along with, but I hope that somewhere deep inside we've both grown and learned from our experiences. I want nothing but the best for him in the future now matter how things work out for him and for myself. I'm glad to have known him and I'm glad to still be his friend. In the end, we never know how life might play out. What's meant to be will always find a way I suppose and you just have to wait and see how things play out in the future.
My other love is my husband. I do love him dearly. We've been through a lot in our 3 year relationship. More than most newlyweds can even imagine. Infertility, Minot, miscarriage, military... the list of complications goes on and on. We have our ups and downs... Right now we're going through a rough patch and I can only hope that things will eventually get better and not worse. We have both agreed to work more on "us" when I get back up the North Dakota. I guess we will see what happens. Losing the baby was our big downfall. Honestly I would rate our relationship at an 8 or 9 before the baby... now we're at maybe a 5 (sometimes lower). Like I've said before, you just have to keep moving forward and what is meant to happen will happen.