This is a window into my life.... Infertility, Pregnancy Loss, Marriage, Weight Loss Surgery, and finally... a multiple pregnancy.

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3 years and counting

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Monday, July 18, 2011

And I miss you everyday...

So this last Thursday I went in and got a tattoo in rememberance of my Grandma V (2000), Grandpa V (2004), my sister, Kim (2007), and my angel baby (2011). Above the angel are 4 stars to represent each of my angels in the color of their birthstone. (2 pink/rose for Grandpa and Kim who were born in October, emerald green for my Grandma who was born in May, and Aquamarine-ish for my angel baby Hope who was born in March.) I got it done at Next Generation Tattoo by Bryan. :)

Thinking about my tattoo makes me miss them all the more. I know they'll always be with me and be in my heart, but I wish I could hug them and see them. I wish we could take little trips to heaven.

I miss my angel baby so much. I would be just over 23 weeks pregnant if I could have held onto her for just a little bit longer.

Last night Thayer and I got into a fight (yeah, we've been doing that a lot as of late). I'm still down here on vacation so it wasn't as bad a most. I told him it was going to be hard going back to work and working with two women in my room that are both pregnant, and later when we were fighting he used this as ammo against me. He said (or typed because we were chatting online) that I bitch all the time and that I even bitch about pregnant people at work and I should just get used to it because there are preggie people everywhere. Then I proceeded to yell at him (type in all caps) that "YOUR BABY DIDN'T DIE." I really said that before I thought because what he said hurt me so much. He then opened up to me a little. He had told most of his shop that I was pregnant right after we found out because he was so happy (I didn't know this because he never acted that happy about it at home). So some of the guys come up and ask him when I'm due. He said that it "takes everything in him to not break down when I have to tell them you miscarried." He doesn't open up about his emotions easy. That's just how he was raised. His family is.... odd to say the least.

I just wish things between him and me could change but they only seem to be getting worse and worse. I'm not sure what I'm going to do at this point. I want things to change, but I don't see that I'm doing anything wrong. I don't think it is wrong of me to ask for help around the house when half the time he works less hours in a week than I do and I go to school on top of working. I think he should pitch in but he never does. I think he should respect me more than he does. There are a more than a couple of things that need to start changing if our marriage has any hopes of surviving. Things weren't too bad until after the miscarriage, but after I lost the baby I just didn't care to watch what I said to him. Especially after I was screaming and crying and all he could say is "What's wrong with you?" and "Are you okay?"  *sigh* Ok... vent about the husband is over.

1 comment:

  1. Hugs!!! I'm sorry you two are fighting, I know it'll get better. Even when you're fighting your marriage is still stronger than half the people out there.

    Your tattoo is very pretty & I love the stars. I've been wanting to get a tattoo remembering my friend who passed. Maybe one day.


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