"Time doesn't heal all wounds, it just teaches us to deal with the pain."
That's a pretty profound statement... and it is completely true. Time hasn't healed the pain of my infertility... it is renewed every month. Time hasn't healed the pain of my miscarriage. Sure, it's not as fresh. It's not as difficult to bear. My wounds are not healed. I don't think they ever will be, and even if they do heal in time the scars will always be mine.
It's now after midnight... but yesterday I would have been 27 weeks. It is so difficult to watch people at work and their growing bellies. I almost want to cry every time I see them. Especially the one that isn't taking care of herself or the baby the way she should be. It makes me so upset. Why my baby and not hers? I made the mistake of asking one the parents of the kids I take care of when she was due because she has really "popped." Yeah... not a good idea. She is due exactly one week before I would have been.
People keep telling me I need to quit dwelling on my miscarriage... that I need to let it go and forget about the week marks and how my baby would be developing. Maybe I should... but I can't. Not yet. I'm not sure when I'll be ready to let my baby go, but that time is not right now.
My life will be changing so much in the next month. Either to Clomid works AND Thayer's little swimmers find the spot.. or I have surgery and we can't even try get pregnant for 12-18 months.
I can't help but think about what might have beens. What if I would have started getting things ready for surgery back in November of last year when the RE told me I should think about it? What if I had just gone through with it then? We would be able to start trying in a few more months... instead I'm just starting this journey. I can't seem to do anything right. I can't even manage to get pregnant. Isn't that what I was put on the earth for? "Be fruitful and multiply." Yeah... that's obviously not happening.
*sigh* I hate feeling like a failure. I mean, I've done everything right. I went to college, then got married. We waited a little while... got financially secure.. then started trying to start a family. I DID EVERYTHING RIGHT! I was responsible. I was careful. I was SMART... and what did that get me? Sitting every week watching "16 and Pregnant" while crying because those dumb little children can get pregnant and have a child and I can't.
I hate it when people expect that you should just "get over it." It is hard to see a pregnant woman and not think about how far along you would be by know and all those what if's. It really is just cruel and unfair when people get rude because you are still grieving. We all have good days and bad days and people shouldn't judge us on our bad days till they have been in our shoes.
ReplyDeleteI understand how you feel. I also feel like I did everything "right" in life, like being married and financially secure. Then you see some bitch walk in that didn't follow the "path" get knocked up like nothing.
ReplyDeleteI lost my twins in 2006, and lost another baby this past Jan. I am not over either of those loss's and I dont think I ever will be. People say when I hold my child in my arms that I will forget the pain of what I went through, I dont believe that at all. Our family should be complete (well Sept 25th). Its hard, and it always will be. HUGS girl!
ReplyDeleteHey I am your newest follower :) would be so happy if you could follow me back as well thanks so much, have a great day!!
ReplyDeleteTara
http://taracl2011.blogspot.com/