This is a window into my life.... Infertility, Pregnancy Loss, Marriage, Weight Loss Surgery, and finally... a multiple pregnancy.

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Saturday, May 21, 2011

Between a Rock and Hard Place

So right now I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Actually, it's more like I'm scared out of my mind. I know I ovulated this month.... but what I'm scared of is getting pregnant. I know for 2 years now that is the one things I've wanted. I've wanted to get pregnant and have a baby of my own. Now after finally getting pregnant then losing the baby I'm scared to death... PETRIFIED to go there again. I don't know if I could survive losing another baby. I don't think my heart can break into anymore pieces and survive. I know I'm a strong person. I've gone through my share of heartbreak, sorrow, and grief and come out still standing.... but I can't watch another one of my children go down the toilet. I'm so scared to get pregnant again. I'm pretty sure it won't happen as I wasn't on Clomid, but still. I didn't ovulate until late (CD 21). The month I got pregnant I ovulated late too (CD 19). What if I do get pregnant? I think I'll be to scared to even have a moment of joy and that kills me too. Having a baby should be a happy time. A time to celebrate and rejoice. It's difficult to do that when all you can think about is watching toilet paper to check for the first sign of blood. That's what I did when I was pregnant last time. I was scared to miscarry then and was constantly examining my toilet paper... and look what happened.

1 comment:

  1. Mary, do not give up hope yet. I know that I will be just as scared when we are cleaned to try again but you can't give up hope. I am praying for you and your husband and have faith that when the time is right you will have another baby, one you can hold in your arms. Time is like a nasty mistress but take the time to focus on you and your health.


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