Doctors, Late, and Goodbye

So I finally went to the doctor the other day and got everything straightened out in order to be able to send my medical records to the surgeon. There is absolutely no reason I will not qualify for the surgery. I'm glad it's taken care of, kinda. When I went to request my medical records from the base to have them sent to the surgeon they informed me that there is approximately a 45 day wait for copies of records. I think this is utter bullshit. I will be calling or going up to the base clinic first thing Tuesday morning to get it straightened out. I don't have that much in my file. I've probably been the the clinic on base less than 15 times so it really shouldn't take that long to copy. 45 days is a ridculous wait. I mean, I know it's PCS season but the base up here needs some serious quality control.

One to a different subject. My period is now 3 days late from the 28 day cycle stand point. This doesn't really mean anything. I ovulated almost a week later than normal, so from that standpoint I'm not late yet. Also, because of the PCOS and the miscarriage, my body could still be all out of whack. Who knows? I'll wait until I'm truly late then go to the base hospital and have my blood drawn. Once pregnancy is ruled out, which I'm 99% sure will be the case, I will go on Provera and wait for Aunt Flo to rear her ugly head. In some ways I can't help but get my hopes up. I'm still in that mind set. Adversely, I'm also scared to death to get pregnant again. I mean, I know the chance of me ovulating a quality egg all on my own is very slim... but what if I did... and what if Thayer's sperm found it... and what if I'm pregnant?... I'm so sick of living my life through "What Ifs." I hate feeling like I'm never in controls of my body and consequently, my life. It's so frustrating.

Sunday will mark two months since Thayer and I said goodbye to our little baby. I think I've come a long way in the last 2 months. I cry less often; I feel sad less often. Believe me, things still aren't a cake walk by any stretch of the imagination. Someone at work told me that from how I've been the last couple of months, she didn't even know I miscarried until someone told her the other day. I guess I must be a pretty good actress and have figured out how to keep a lot of my emotions hidden. Life is just easier that way.

I'm so glad I decided to start a blog about infertility. It helps me and I hope that in some little way, it helps someone else too. Infertility and pregnancy loss are NOTHING to be ashamed of and hide.

Lastly, I would like to sure with you some pictures of 2 items I bought in memory of Thayer and I's baby. I bought them from Bugaboo Jewelry.

Above: Glass Ornament she personalized for me.   

Below: Sterling Silver Necklace she made with what I wanted it to say. On the back of the middle circle is our baby's "birth" day. 3.29.11 and the crystal is Hope's birthstone.