I'm having one of those days... and by the title you've been warned. I'm feeling bitter today. I have so many wonderful things in my life, don't get me wrong. But really... why can't it be my turn? Why do people get things they don't deserve? Why do the good people have to suffer? I know that supposedly God doesn't give you more than you can handle... well FUCK THAT. Yep... fuck that. I'm done. I'm done watching people that don't deserve to have kids, have them. I'm done watching people who treat others like crap get rewarded. I'm done with people who take their ability to have children for granted. I'm done with people that are just plain inconsiderate. I'm just done.
I feel like I can't go do things with certain friends of mine because there's someone there that has been horrible to me about my infertility or my miscarriage and I'm afraid I'll confront them and tell them the hell off. I feel trapped and lonely. I just stay at home so I don't have to deal with people who have "wronged" me in one way or another... and the list in Minot just keeps growing and growing. I'm sure some people don't even realize they are hurting my feelings or making me feel like shit... then there are some that I know do. There are so many judgemental people up here that it really and truly boggles my mind. How have these individuals gotten away with treating others so shitty for this long? The sad thing is, most of them have children.
I feel like I've lost almost my friends since the miscarriage. That's the honest truth. I'm sorry if I was a fucking "Debbie Downer." I'm sorry that after over two years of trying to have a baby with my husband and going through all kinds of poking and proding... I was upset, depressed, incredibly hurt, that my baby had to die. I'm sorry that I couldn't pretend to be happy to make you more comfortable. I'm sorry if I don't want to hang out with pregnant people all the time... I'm sorry if I don't want to hear about pregnant people all the time. I'm sorry that I feel I have to quit doing things I once enjoyed because hear about and being around pregnant people constantly (at least right now) makes me upset and makes me want to go the the bathroom and cry and cry and cry. I'm sorry if this blog pisses you off or hurts your feelings, but I'm being honest.
The End
Don't feel this way Mary. I <3 you for who you are and wouldn't have it any other way. I could go on and on and tell you about our journey, but its boring in my opinion. So i will spare you the detail. Me if feel completely different, I feel that now I have kids (toddlers) and my friends who don't have kids and those who have older kids don't want to be my friend because i have to cart my kids around. I love my kids, and i love taking them out, but I can't be someones friend if they are going to be like, i can't hang out with you because you have toddlers. If you ever want to vent and talk feel free to chat me up.
ReplyDeleteYou should still join things... I know people deal with things differently, but maybe getting out will help. I know how you feel... truly I do... accept I don't have to open the door, it was right in my house. My husband felt that because I was so upset about my MC that I did love Brock and Julie... I just wanted help and help was no where to be found. I do know where you are and I do know how you feel... the only thing I can say is if what you're doing isn't helping, then try something else. I really hate seeing you so down and feeling so lost when so many of us have been right where you are now. I may have 2 children, but I've lost 19 and nearly lost my own life during the last MC. Hang in there... you will have your family.
ReplyDeleteDon't give up, girl... I can't say I know what you're feeling but from one stranger to the next: Just don't give up! One way or another, you're gonna have your family. When I thought all hope was lost, just when I was about to give up. Something grand happens! Just please hang in there :)
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