So most days I'm doing pretty good. Today I cried for the first time in a few days. I was cleaning the bathroom and I found my pregnancy test. I kept it... I don't know why. I broke down and had a good cry. I just want this to be over. The bleeding is just a reminder... other things are a reminder. Am I still angry? Yes. Do I feel bitter? Yeah, sometimes. Life isn't fair. I said to someone the other day that God was an "indian giver." I still feel this way. He gave me a baby and took it away. Even if their was something "wrong" with the baby... Why even let me get pregnant? Why let me have hope only to rob me of it? Why does karma have to bite me in the ass so hard? Generally I lead a good and giving existance.
I went to the doctor on Friday to see about having an elective surgery. I go for a consult with the surgeon soon. I call Monday to make my evaluation appointment. My PCM recommended that we try to get pregnant again before going through with the surgery. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Part of me wants to... but then there is the other part of me that realizes that I need to get the surgery done while it is still covered by insurance. Plus, I know that it will make getting pregnant easier and make my pregnancies easier. I hate being torn. I wish my life could be easy, but it never is.